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my wife had an affair three years ago and finished it eight month's later so why do i get that horrible feeling in my stomach when i dont know where she is during time away from me ?
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Joined: Apr 2001
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my wife had an affair three years ago and finished it eight month's later so why do i get that horrible feeling in my stomach when i dont know where she is during time away from me ? The solution to that problem is to always know where she is. You have already learned she can't be trusted, so the solution is to arrange your lives in a way that she takes extraordinary precautions against a repeat affair. Have you told her about this terrible feeling so she can stop doing the things that cause it?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi there,
Listen to MelodyLane, explain to your wife this is happening and come up with a plan together so this problem is easier for you.....
It's just a little bump in the road, when that trust is broken you always wonder, I check up on my husband all the time......I have complete access to everything and I know his whereabouts all the time......He doesn't have any problem being transparent now, he knows if he wants the marriage to work he has to do his part..........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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my wife had an affair three years ago and finished it eight month's later so why do i get that horrible feeling in my stomach when i dont know where she is during time away from me ? gdw, tell us what the two of you have done since the A in order to prevent another one, and to be completely transparent with each other. I fear that you just went back to 'business as usual'. Have you read the articles on this site on recovering from an A? Saying "I promise I'll never do it again" is woefully inadequate and won't help you, the betrayed spouse, heal. Do you have access to her personal/work email accounts? Her cell phone? Do you randomly drive by where she says she's going to be? I'm not asking you to become a rabid, insane stalker of your wife. But it sounds like you need reassurance. Checking her out is not invading her privacy, and she should welcome anything you need to do in order to feel secure in your M. I've copied a post I just posted to another person, so you can see the things I do. Again, I don't do all of them every day. For example, it's been a few weeks since I checked his work voice mails, but I checked his work email yesterday. I do what I feel I need to do to be comfortable that my H is being open & honest and is transparent. It helps me in my healing: You think you're a snoop, PJ? Here's some of what I reserve the right to do on a random basis:
I've got my H's password to his work email as well as personal email and jump on there at random times to check his emails. I also have his password to his cell phone and work phone and check them periodically for any messages or calls.
I have a voice-activated tape recorder that I have been known to place in various spots at various times.
I rifle his drawers. I go through his wallet. I check all his pockets.
I examine his clothing periodically for scents and stains.
I review our cell phone bill - if there is a number on there I don't recognize, I *67 and call it to see who answers. If they have an automated voice answering system, I come right out and ask my H whose number it is.
If my H has a night meeting, I will occasionally ask him to take a picture of the meeting area on his cell phone and immediately forward it to me.
I have unannounced 'shake-downs' when I go through his car to see if I can find anything that doesn't belong there.
I go through his address book, his work planner, his expense account.
There are a few other things in my arsenal, but I'll leave them out so I don't tip my whole hand. Vets know what they are.
Do I do this every day? No. I don't feel the need to as much as I did right after D-Day. And it actually takes very little time.
My H knows this. He welcomes the scrutiny. He no longer has anything to hide. I welcome his scrutiny of me and I've shared all my passwords with him, although I'm not a wayward and he seldom checks. We are both transparent.
My FWH has earned his 'F', but I'll never blindly trust him 100% again. How naive of me that I trusted him so completely in the first place.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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If you are having a "gut feeling", I would encourage you to snoop snoop snoop. It is NORMAL and HEALTHY when your spouse has had an affair to check up to(hopefully) put those feelings to rest.
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GDW,
Some fundamental questions
-do you know everything about the affair, who OM was etc?
-did you ever really recover?
-does your wife carry on a pattern of dishonesty, even about seemingly unimportant matters?
-does your wife continue to flirt with people?
-did you expose OM or in any other way render him a non-threat to your marriage?
God Bless
Gamma
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dont know if i know everthing (who doe's) yes i know other man(my anger bubbled over and i gave him a severe beating). am i recovered ? dont know do we ever recover ? the affair was exposed to my family ,children and also her side of family and also om family. he live's three miles down the road and is a local taxi driver so i have to endure his ugly smug face on a regular occurance which doe's not help me.we have been married almost twenty years with three children all grown up age's 22,19 and 18.this has been tough on everyone and i feel like i aged 10 year's.
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i forgot to add he is a serial adulterer and his wife tolerates it and takes him back every time, this had made it easy for him as he know's he can get away with it every time, he also has children to his wife.
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Gdw,
Well has your wife taken measures to make you feel safe with her like showing remorse and understanding of the pain she caused you? Or has she just moved on never addressing what happened hoping you will just forget?
God Bless
Gamma
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if i ring her she always answers the phone to tell me where she is (her job is driving around the manchester area in england) and she let's me have a look at her phone and i go online and check her phone detail's but worry if i have driven the affair underground and they have got good at hiding/meeting. but the sus
picions dont go away for long as i seem to return to the "are they at it again " in my mind.
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Hello, gdw. MB is the best place to get help for situation like yours. dont know if i know everthing (who doe's) yes i know other man(my anger bubbled over and i gave him a severe beating). Is there questions in your head that are just spinning around and won't go away? Have you asked these from your W? Did you get an answer? The point is that if there are some questionable areas about affair then your brain won't let it go away and tends to overimaginate. The solution is to get answers. And in many times, WS-s will question the same thing many times to get an assurance (that answers are consistent). It is completely normal and very necessary to recover. am i recovered ? dont know do we ever recover ? Recovery takes 2-5 years. Your regular contact (just seeing him is contact!) with OM is definitely stalling the recovery. the affair was exposed to my family ,children and also her side of family and also om family. The fact that the affair was exposed is very good! Did you exposed yourself? Are you absolutely sure that OMW knows? he live's three miles down the road and is a local taxi driver so i have to endure his ugly smug face on a regular occurance which doe's not help me. Does your wife know how do you feel? I think moving away is the only option. The regular contact (and I guess your wife sees him too occasionally?) is bad for you and even worse to you W. It means that the real No Contact (non-negotiable PRErequisitive for recovery) has not yet achieved.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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A quote from dr Harley's (founder of this website) article How Should Affairs End? Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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then your brain won't let it go away and tends to overimaginate. Hey, recon, is this actually a word? Because if it isn't, it should be!  Recon is right, gdw. You may need to start considering a move out of the area. But before that - tell us everything the two of you have done to repair the damage to your M and rebuild it.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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then your brain won't let it go away and tends to overimaginate. Hey, recon, is this actually a word? Because if it isn't, it should be! Oops, English is not my first language, sorry  - my brain must be imaginating that it is 
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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i forgot to add he is a serial adulterer and his wife tolerates it and takes him back every time, this had made it easy for him as he know's he can get away with it every time, he also has children to his wife. gdw, did you tell his wife yourself?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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yes i told his wife and we actually helped each other along whilst they carried on, the om thought we were getting it on this is when my wife realised what he was about. i have recently installed software on her phone that she know's nothing about.
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dont know if i know everthing (who doe's) yes i know other man(my anger bubbled over and i gave him a severe beating). am i recovered ? dont know do we ever recover ? the affair was exposed to my family ,children and also her side of family and also om family. he live's three miles down the road and is a local taxi driver so i have to endure his ugly smug face on a regular occurance which doe's not help me.we have been married almost twenty years with three children all grown up age's 22,19 and 18.this has been tough on everyone and i feel like i aged 10 year's. You may be shocked to hear this but it is HIGHLY recommended that you and your wife MOVE. Both you and your W will be forever triggered by this, it's not worth your sanity. We moved out of state to avoid the OW and she did not even live anywhere near us ~ but we wanted to take no chances that we would ever run into her. It's done us a world of good.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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that would mean upping for everyone and i am in the way of thinking that om is hated by wife so it is something i will have to deal with when i see him
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why is contact with om worse for my wife ? it's bad for me i cant imagine it is worse for my wife.
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Because it leaves her susceptible to relapsing into the affair. As long as she still sees him she will be in danger and your marriage cannot recover.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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