My husband and I have had our share of issues. He is on the verge of leaving me and has been sleeping in another room or at a friends house for nearly a month.

We have been married for 2 1/2 years and lived together a little over 6.

I will tell the whole story but my big issue right now is he is unwilling to try and work things out. He will hardly communicate with me and any time I try to communicate he is short and say there is nothing else to say. Yet it seems like everytime we talk I get more information about what is really bothering him. He tends to not like to explain things or talk things over in depth. I know this about him, it is his personality. It is possible that he has told me things before but did not explain it fully and, in the heat of the moment, I was lost in translation, if you will. And once he's said something he is the type that hates repeating it.

So this has been going on nearly a month we have been having problems for maybe 3-4 months and they have continually gotten worse. Now he says he is leaving, which he has said before. I obviously don't want him to leave and I am willing to work on the problems that we have. But he is very insistent that he is not willing to read any books or go to counseling. I know that there is still hope. He has said that he misses me when he is gone and that he would be unhappy without me. But that he is unhappy now and by leaving he believes there is "an end in sight"

Yet he is unwilling to put forth effort. I know he still loves me. I can tell. He is keeping a really good guard up when he is around me but Sometimes he let's it slip.

I can't force him to work things out. I know that won't work. And I have to admit I have tried and I'm not proud of some of the mistakes I have made in trying to win him back.

I know you probably want more info and I will get there it is a fairly long story and a lot to tell but is there anything to get him interested on trying.

What to Do, welcome to MB! I'm sorry to hear about the situation that brings you here. If he is feeling "done," for whatever reason, then it makes sense that he's not interested in books or counseling for the time being. Has he said to you what the "straw that broke the camel's back" was? What do you think it is? Are you making amends, rebuilding that bridge?

There is a great movie called Fireproof, about a spouse's journey to win the other's heart back. Beautiful, and it gives hope, knowing that families come back form this every day.

Do you have folks in your life together with strong decades-long marriages? Would you be willing to call these folks, and ask them to speak with your H? Sometimes talking things through with a friend that can share their experience, strength, and hope will give him the safety and security to really reason things, through, instead of react.

On a gut level, do you think it's another woman?

Have you read the Basic Concepts here on the site yet? They can help you formulate a plan, and we can support you in that.

Is he having an affair?

Are you?

Advice for affair situations are a little different from your everyday withdrawn spouse.

He just told me yesterday that he feels I have pressured him to be someonehe isn't. I am a planner I want to plan out my life. He is not. But he knew this before we got married. And like I said he just told me this yesterday. If it was bothering him why didn't he speak up. He's not ready to have kids and because I have a time in mind that I would like kids even though it is several years from now he doesn't like it. He started to go to the bar after work more and more. Mostly due to stress at work I believe. He often would invite me but then he slowly stopped inviting me as much. And I would get upset and feel left out. I told him straight up I wanted some attention. He still came home but I felt like we never talked. There were so many times that I forgot to tell himnor ask him things because we hardly had anytime together.

Both our parents have stayed together. We have plenty of older couple friends who have as well. I wish he would be open to talking to someone. He will hardly talk to me. He hasn't told his best friend who lives far away but was actualy in town this weekend to see us. The only people who know is the one person who he has stayed with a few times and a couple other people know that he has been staying away from the house but only because they have seen clothes in his car.

No other woman. I am fairly sure about that.

No. I'm not either. And I don't think that's the problem.

Going to the bar without you and spending nights away from home sound pretty suspicious to me. Have you snooped to be certain? Phone records, internet, voice recorder?

Thanks for filling us in, I feel like I understand better. He sounds like he thinks now that maybe he wasn't ready to get married, to merge his life with another. Like maybe he thought being married was going to be more like living together, he'd spend time when he felt like it, but it didn't feel like a commitment.

Do you think your H is marriage material, and worth fighting for? I think you are here because you do think this is a marriage worth fighting for.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? There is a lot you can do, introduce your favorite activities together back in a light, fun way. It sounds like he's feeling work stress, how do you two like to unwind? Maybe a fun, light dinner, and a nice walk? Exercise is great for stress, and you sound young, do you two like to bike or swim together? Then, since you're getting your time in together, you can also take some quiet time, maybe you two like to read or some other thing where you're in the same room, but not interacting so much?

I'm just trowing ideas out there, they may be totally off, to get you thinking, what do you all like to do?

Hiya Whattodo,

How old are you guys? I agree that you should rule out the possibility of an affair.



Both of these are red flags to me.

However, there is a strong possibility that there is no affair. What is more likely, in my mind, is that you married someone who isn't really marriage material, someone who is not ready, willing, or able to actually SHARE their life with someone else.

This mistake was compounded when you decided to live together. Living together, despite common beliefs, actually makes your marriage LESS successful. It makes it LESS likely that you will have a good marriage.


BUYERS, RENTERS AND FREELOADERS:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

Living together is a 'renter' like mentality. The first 6 months a couple lives together tends to establish the pattern by which they negotiate and live their lives for the rest of their lives. A couple who is living together will establish a set of ground rules and behaviors that work for living together but are detrimental to actually sharing a LIFE together. Marriage requires a BUYER'S mentality, rather than a renter's.

It sounds like your husband is a renter, and you were a renter, but now want to become a buyer.

You need to sit him down and let him know that THIS is what you want out of marriage: a buyer's relationship. But realize, that he married you under the RENTER'S agreement. He will be (and is) resistant to becoming a buyer and may decide the buyer's relationship isn't what he wants.

I would suggest you get the book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders from the bookstore here, to identify the mistakes you made at the outset of this relationship.

I would look at the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and identify his ENs and work to fill them. Try to SHOW him the kind of marriage you want through your behavior.

Realize, however, that you cannot MAKE your husband become a buyer. You cannot FORCE it on him, you can only lay out your wants, and respectfully persuade him to join you.

Then you have to decide what you will do if he chooses NOT to join you. If he doesn't I HIGHLY recommend you DON'T bring children into this union. Children will only compound and exponentially exacerbate your problems, and then you will have to endure THEIR pain as well as your own.

I will look into renters buyers. Definitely sounds like the situation we are in. I always believed living together was a good thing for us. But maybe not. If I could get him to read that stuff it would be wonderful.

I actually have done the emotional needs questionaire. I have an idea of his but I kinda want him to verify it for me. I feel like I have met his needs. I am not the perfect wife by any means but I think I do a pretty good job. I mean until all this went down.

No children don't worry I wouldn't think about bringing kids into this. And I am quote glad we don't already have kids. If this does work out and we commit to each other I will make sure we are stable before thinking of kids. I am a long way from that anyway. He was bothered by the fact that I said well I want to have kids at a certain age or by a certain age. But it's not set in stone for me. I think he has noticed as more of our friends have kids I have gotten more into it. But how could I not? I like kids always have and he knew this about me. It doesn't mean I want to take care of one. I have alot to do in my life before I want kids. That's the downfall of a planner. My mom thinks I will never have kids because there will always be something else for me to do before I can have a child. And you're never ready to have children. As much of a planner as I am I know this. Both my siblings had kids young. 18 and 23. I'm 26 and feel it's still a long way off.

I do wonder if he is second guessing marrying me. But I don't know. Maybe he feels like there should be more and because there is not he is just ready to give up??

I am going to look at basic concepts. Is that on this website?

I just wonder if it is too late. How can I get him involved if he has already given up? He's not the type who would come back. I think once he leaves that means he's made up his mind. He's not going to change it.

Nope - not too late.

The Basic Concepts are linked at the top of the page.

Read through them. They will lay out how you can become a better wife.

Become the best possible wife you can and demonstrate you are able and willing to meet his needs. But also let him know that you expect reciprocity.

You get him to be in love with you and then see if you can get him on board with the MB program.

Do the Love Busters Q's, too.

Started reading the basic concepts. I think he has completely given up. It's weird that he hasn't told anyone yet. I haven't told anyone because I believe we can work things out.

And yes I am sure of no affair. It isn't like he all of the sudden started going to the bar or stopped inviting me. It was because we had the issues.

Readin basic concepts now. I will looks into the love busters questionnaire too.

If it's not too late is there anything I can to do to get him to come home I can't show him how good of a wife I can be if he is not here.

So. I am certain that he does not want to work on anything it hurts me pretty badly but I can't sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to leave me. I can't change his mind he has to do it.

He hasn't been home the past two nights and will hardly talk to me. I tried to make small talk with him over email at work yesterday and he responded I can't do this anymore. I didn't get the email bc of email issues and a few hours later he sent another saying we have to talk and I can't ignore him. When I saw it I explained the email issues and responded basically telling him how much I want to work things out and that I see our relationship getting better because we could both figure out what we want and fix the issues we had.

Despite his ignoring statement, he ignored me. Didn't talk to me the rest of the night and didn't return my phone calls. Finally about 9 I tried to text him and he answered I tried to talk but he obviously didn't have anything to say and didn't seem to care that he had ignored me even though he was annoyed that I had ignored him.

So after sleeping on it and mulling over it today I sent him an email. Said that if he is available I would like him to come home tonight. I said I was going to make dinner for us and I would like to talk. In onenof our fights he said that he would like to keep the house and since I have no desire to live in a house we had together I agreed even though he can't afford it on his own. He swears he can but I do the finances and that's his own problem anyway. So in the email I sent I said if you are insistent on separating it may be better that I get an apt if you are wanting to keep the house. I don't like being there without him anyway. It's too big for one person.

All he responded was ok. So I guess that means he's coming.

I really don't want to do this but I can't force him to be with me. And I can't make things better if he doesn't want to be with me.

I still believe we can make it work and I plan to tell him that tonight. And I am going to say that I am willing to work for it but if he is not than it won't work. I can't do all the work and expect everything to be ok. He has to be 100% commited to fixing things too. And right now he's not.

Any advice? I dont want to lose him I feel like this is my only choice.

WTD - I think you're right on target. Be totally open and honest with your husband regarding your feelings. Make a list of what you love and what you'd like to improve about your marriage and share it with him. Ask him for feedback on your feelings and as him to share his own.

The biggest challenge you face is that your husband is unwilling to communicate. Nothing will ever improve if you're the only one putting in the effort. You need to let him know that you're committed to creating a beautiful life together but he has to be willing to learn and listen and contribute to the growth of your marriage as well.

If it were me, and he refused to be an active part in my marriage, I would begin the divorce process. As emotionally challenging this would be, you are still so young and have no children in this relationship. There is no reason whatsoever you cannot move forward with your life and find someone better suited to take the journey with you. Remember all you've learned from this relationship when consider it when entering into new ones.

I'm so sorry for all the stress and unhappiness you are feeling, but this evening with your husband will be YOUR "light at the end of the tunnel" because you will know what direction to start moving in.

Remember we're all here to support you, so keep us updated and let us know how we can help you through this.

Whattodo, sorry I've only got a moment to type but just finished reading your post. I have to ask you something real quick, when y'all were dating and falling in love did you ever tell him "I am willing to work for it but if he is not than it won't work. I can't do all the work and expect everything to be ok. He has to be 100% commited to fixing things too. And right now he's not."? I'm quite sure that you didn't. For the sake of arguement, let's say that he's honest and there is no one else. Darling you are not going to get him back by begging, argueing, demanding, throwing down ultimatims, etc.... You say you're a planner, then make a plan to save your marriage, honestly at this point he doesn't have to be on board. Make a plan to meet his emotional needs. Make a plan to eliminate ALL love busters. Make a plan to become as attractive/safe as possible to your husband. Make those kinds of plans. I know with your personality that this is going to absolutely be difficult because you want answers and structure. Well having those answers and structure have gotten you to this place so it's time for a different plan.....

If he is not willing how can I meet his emotional needs? He doesn't even come home. And when he does he doesn't want to be around me.

His emotional needs are(I think)
Sexual fulfillment, for sure
When I go through the others I think I could eliminate all the others because I've never felt that he really cared but I will leave a couple in because I suspect he does care about them on some level.
Attractive spouse. He would never admit it to me but I think this is important, to some extent. And maybe not only in the physical sense
Financial support. Again he wouldn't admit it but he likes the fact that I have a good job and am able to contribute and that we are able to afford things most couples our age can only dream about and it's because we both work high paying(although stressful) jobs
Domestic support.
Admiration.

I would love the chance to try and meet these needs. In fact the little time we have had I have tried. Its hard though. Because I feel like I'm working hard to meet his needs and I'm getting nothing in return. My biggest is affection. He's not worried about meeting my needs right now.

Doing love busters now. I think maybe we are more at that stage.

I suspect that he is either having an affair or there is a woman that he likes to hang out with at the bar (Emotional Affair).

I really don't think it's an affair. I know everyone is quick to jump on affairs but I really don't think so.
If he was having an affair he would have no reason to stay. He would just leave. If he was having an emotional affair he would come home. He would probably put on a good show.

He's not there, though. He's not staying. He won't even come home. No amount of anything you do will do any good until you 1)find out FOR CERTAIN if there's an affair and 2)kill it.