I hope I don't make this too long and I hope I can explain it good enough to get my point across. I am a BS. My WH had an affair. I was in the shower this morning and it just hit me!! I was almost the WW! Back in Jan. 1994, my husband, sister, and sisters' BF went to a bar. I was 24, my WH 23, and our DD was only 22mos. at the time. My sis and I were in one part of the bar while my WH and friend were in another part.

I noticed a guy looking at me, and the more I drank the more I noticed him. We started to talk and after a couple hours exchanged phone numbers!! The guy gave me a kiss on the cheek and left.( We were at the bar to watch the Super Bowl, at it was EXTREMELY crowded!) I remember now, being so excited to call this guy the next day, I did and we talked( Of course this is before internet, cell phones, text messaging, FB, even before caller ID and *69!) We talked on the phone everyday for a few days while my WH was at work and I was home with my DD. We (me and the 'guy') made plans to see each other and meet at the bar. My sis and I, (yes my sis was in on it too!)went to the bar while my WH and DD were at home. Thank goodness the guy never showed up! I was bummed and tried to call him several times in the following days. He never called me again and I never called him back after that. It took about 2 wks. to get him off my mind and go back to being a wife and mother. I did remember this episode all these years, but in the shower this morning it really just hit me like a ton of bricks!!!

What if it was 2010 when this happened and not 1994? With texting and internet and everything, I feel it probably would have ended alot differently. What if he would have met me at the bar that night? I persued him. I wasn't thinking of my husband and daughter for those 2 wks. It was all about me and the OM. This is my 'ah ha' moment cause I could have been the WW so easily. Dr. Harley is right. Everyone is wired to have an affair, it's just a matter of boundries! This def scared me and put everything in perspective, just a little bit. I can understand now how my WH was drawn in. Thanks for reading. Anyone else with an 'ah ha' moment?

And now you understand about boundaries and Harley's concepts of joint agreement and radical honesty. Further, you can now have a conversation with your H that might help each of you see the other in a new light and really make progress using MB.

JL

Absolutely Sunshine. I chatted with a guy in 2002. I would chat with him day and night. I was a SAHM and my WH was working and we had a young son(18 months). I went on a chat line and talked to this man for a couple of months(I think, I can't even remember). My WH and I even got into arguments about how much time I spent on the computer and how I didn't go to bed before 4 am anymore. I slept on the couch while our son played. I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing. We were "just friends." I had the first 3 steps into adultery that Pep has listed in her thread. I had a dream where the guy was the devil. I decided the next day that I would no longer talk to him. I actually decided that to ensure I never did that again, I would never use a chat program. I don't.

This is ONE of the reasons that I decided that I could move on from my WHs affair, I could have easily been a victim of myself. I am eternally grateful that I didn't slip any further down that slope.

You know Scotland, it was just so strange this morning. The more I thought about what happened back in '94, the more I understand Waywards. I never thought I was doing anything wrong! That is CRAZY! One of the questions I asked my WH after DDay was 'didn't you picture me and the kids in your head? How could you come home and look at all 4 of us in the face again knowing what you were doing with POSOW?' Now I realize, waywards do become an alien. My life before that incident(in'94) was all about my WH and DD, for those 2 wks. they didn't really matter to me. It is scary, but I have to agree that this is one of the reasons that I,too, have decided to work on our marriage. It def is an easier slope to slip into than I could ever imagine. But, I am so grateful I did not slip down any further. The pain of an A is so painful, I would never wish it on anyone, much less my WH.

Thanks, Pep! Back atcha!!