My son�s fianc� is an BxW. Her WxH was cheating on her when she was pregnant with their second child,DS, and OW stalked her during pregnancy. She had a difficult pregnancy and complications with delivery and did not know her xwh was unfaithful as they were intimate during her pregnancy and all was normal. (If you want to call it that) Her WxH also abused her physically and verbally during the M.

WxH left her when son was 12 weeks old for OW. Did not contact children for 4 months and then sporadically.

Fast-forward to divorce, Wxh marries OW and now they have gone after the kids, that was dropped and they keep threatening to take them, saying she is an unfit mother.

Son�s fianc� finally got a TRO on OW after showing police some texts and filed.

The biggest problem is my son�s fianc� has, at times, responded in anger and texted some nasty things in response to OW�s abusive texts and words. Like calling OW a !#0re and that she hoped OW got hit by a bus. She hates OW and WxH as he is still verbally abusive.

They meet at a halfway spot every other week and exchange kids as WxH see kids 2x a month for 4 days total. The children have been witness to this abuse from OW and Wxh, and son�s fianc� has not been able to control her temper at times. My son has been a great stabilizer for her, as her family is not supportive of her, and her xwh and OW have influenced her family against her.

When she went to court today the OW had a lawyer, and since the abuse was not documented except for texts and judge said it was not about the kids and they need to modify their parenting plan. The TRO against OW was dropped.

These people are provoking her and she is swallowing all of it hook, line and sinker. I told her today that their relationship thrives on keeping it stirred up and making her the villain in this, that she needs to step back from this and stop reacting.

I told her to get a spiral notebook and start journaling every transfer of the kids, documenting their behavior after visits (there has been trouble and her DD has said she hates her, wants to live with daddy, etc. for a couple of days after each visit). He DS has not been so much affected, but he needs more attention cause his mommy is caught up in this grief.

Okay, besides being infuriated that this is happening and the kids are being caught in the cross fire I am trying to help.

To sum it up, I told her:

Do not respond in any way to abuse, not name-calling, threats, etc.
Document everything in a spiral notebook
Email me all of their text exchanges so she has proof
Take someone with her for drop-offs/pick-ups as a witness in case there is verbal abuse towards her. They don�t cause trouble if my son with her, so this seems to help.
Oh, and did I miss document, document document?!!!

Besides the above, does anyone else know what she might do legally? She has been very na�ve. She is very wounded and I am trying to help her in the MB spirit.
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Please, if you have any ideas on how she can deal with this 'bunny boiler' and get some peace in her life, post please. She is 25, and is going to college to make a better life for her and children.

Thanks!
Love in Christ,
Miss M

She should essentially "Plan B" the guy out of her life.

NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.

Exchanges done through an intermediary or day care facility or relative.

Intermediary in place (because they are in court right now she may just want to insist on all communication being in writing by email and then such emails are screened by a secret intermediary such that xwh can't use the "no contact" as further evidence against her in court...i.e. - a secret intermediary). Once court is over....switch to a open and notorious intermediary as wxh has no right to contact with her directly.

With NO CONTACT she'll eventually detach (perhaps after a withdrawal period with a slight depression) and start healing. Whereupon she can begin to focus on the rest of her life with your son (who will hopefully take his time marrying her).

A selling point for you to use MAY BE that this is modelling appropriate behavior for her children....demonstrating how THEY should respond to people that may abuse them in the future. Putting up with it..."for the kids" is really a horrible lesson. Hopefully wxh and OW will split up and wxh will repent one day...but allow/hope for that to happen one day but from a very safe distance.

Mr. Wondering

exchanges can also be done at police stations or courthouses...

They are used to that sort of thing.

At the very least they should be done out in the open in a parking lot with security cameras (such as a Target parking lot).

Mr. W

MissM, she needs to go into a pitch black Plan B before she loses her mind. Every time she is exposed to these monsters she will be triggered. It is in the best interest of her children and her mental health that she never see her XH or that skank again. Someone else should be doing these exchanges.

my heart goes out to this poor woman. She has endured the worst kind of abuse at the hands of these monsters.

Can you help her with a dark Plan B?

Mr Wondering,

Thank you so much for your reply.

Let me clarify the court situation. BxW secured a TRO against OW for herself and her children.

When it went before the court, the judge dropped the order because OW lawyer claimed BxW had been verbally abuse to OW and sent abusive texts to OW as well. Judge said this wasn't about the children because BxW had no proof that OW had verbally abused her and slandered her to children.

So...no more legal issues at this time. As far as visitation the judge said that as the custodial parent it was BxW's responsibility to get the children to their father for visitation. WxH lives 60 miles away and they meet at a half-way point. BxW was held in violation of the visitations because WxH left her with nothing. No transportation and BxW lives with her mother in a rural area, and WxH refused to come and get the kids. She now finds a way to get her kids to drop off point, my son has helped a lot in this area.

Melodylane and Mr. Wondering, I agree on a dark Plan B, NO CONTACT, but my son's fiance is worried that if she is not the person to drop the kids off she will seem like an unfit parent. This has been going on for awhile now, about 3 years and my son has been with her for about 9 months now. I don't know the legalities of all of this, but it makes sense that she needs an intermediary that all communication can go through.

Is this legal? Will the court see her as an unfit parent if someone else takes her children to the drop-off/pick-up point? BxW is terrified they will fight her for custody again. There is not much between here and where WxH lives that would have a video camera in the parking lot. I need to find out the facts.

I would be happy to be the IM for her, and will talk to her about it. They do not email to communicate, it is all texting and face to face as far as I know. Probably need to change that.

Thanks for your ideas and help, and yes, ML, she is going to lose her mind if this doesn't stop. It is a horrible situation.
She is a very sweet and naive young lady, very introverted, and a good mom. This OW took her H and now wants her very life, which are her children.

It is very important to my son and fiance, as my son is not able to have children due to his extensive chemo and radiation. I will tell you that this young lady has given my son a reason to live and he is much better. He still has cancer, it has moved to his lungs, but he is healthy and looking good!

Thanks so much and keep it coming!

Oh no, they won't see her as an unfit parent if someone else drops them off and picks them up. Any trusted adult can do that.

Many psychologists, including Dr Harley recommend no contact because continued contact is so harmful to the mental health of the BS.

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr:

Quote: "The problem with a coninuation of contact is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the [wayward spouse] eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their wayward spouse back to them."



Dr. Deena Stacer, Ph.D, Founder and Director of the San Diego County High Conflict Intervention Program, recommends ceasing contact for a minimum of two years in order to protect the children:

Quote:In a breakup or divorce, with children, there may be high emotion and tension between the parents. This tension creates anxiety for the children as well as the parents. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, body language and in their parents behavior. To significantly reduce the amount of tension for all the family, the parents should follow two simple rules for the first two years, in order to control the communication and contact between the parents.

Number One: Eliminate all face-to-face communication between the parents, {including telephone contact} for a minimum of two years.

Number Two: all communication should be done in writing, using a memo format.

Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children.

Coparenting often fails, because it assumes that the parents can eventually get along. Our program assumes that with every interaction between the parents more anixety results creating less ability to agree of child sharing issues. If parents couldn't coparent while together, the gap now is wider between them since separatation and their anxiety level is increasing due to the ongoing court conflit.
Our program focuses the parents away from their feelings of failure to communicate and redirects their anger at each other to bonding more closely with their children instead.


http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/stacer.pdf

Why not use the sheriff's station as a drop off point. My friend did that when her exH was abusive toward her.

Plan B, texts and emails only, drop off at police/sheriff's station, voice activated recorder and document; if possible have intermediary handle drop off and pick up, even if fiance has to go, she remains in vehicle.

Thank you ML, for the link, I will print that off and give this to her. She is starting to get how this is all effecting the kids in a negative way.

Good ideas ff and sl! I will certainly suggest sheriff station as I do believe there is one they can use that is around the half-way point for drop-off/pick-up.

Once again, thank you all for the great suggestions!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Miss M, the Court will definitely NOT see her as an unfit mother, quite the opposite. They will see that she is trying everything to avoid confrontations with the other parties. In fact, the Judge in my daughter's case ordered that her ExBF's parent's pick up and drop off my grandchildren so that my daughter would not be exposed to ExBF who is abusive and violent.

Thank you PM, we have to get her ducks lined up about this issue, right now the court has ordered her to be responsible to get the children to their father for visitation. Now that I know she can have another person do this and not look like an unfit mother we can help her with NC with WxH and OW.

Love in Christ,
Miss M