I married for life but . . . my 37 year marriage is ending. I have been separated since May. I was hoping maybe for a miracle. After all these years and trials and tribulations I wonder as anyone who hears this story would, "why now?" My answer is that marrying very young and stupidly has consequences and sometimes that means an unwanted divorce.

The fact is my health isn't good, and I don't want to live whatever life I have left with a man who cannot tell the truth, continues to take unprescribed drugs, and has a hot temper that has created some nasty physical fights in our years together. Life with him is like walking through a mine field, because he ends up mad at me for one thing or another. He makes rules that he doesn't follow himself. Life with him is confusing and I cannot believe or trust him. I feel useless as his wife.

The early years were filled with arguments that often ended in physical harm. At first I didn't fight back, but after a few times of being roughed up and pushed around, I started fighting back, and of course that made things worse, because a man is stronger. I ended up with more damage to my body and soul and he didn't get through those ugly fights unscathed either. Neither of us ever ended up in a hospital thank God, and now that I have had so much back problems my husband usually doesn't hit me anymore, but I have always a bit of fear when he starts to get mad even if it isn't directed at me.

I was so young when I married, and I felt trapped and confused and helpless as the marriage continued to fall apart. I talked to my pastor at the time seeking some concrete help. I was sitting in his office with a black eye and bruises and his advice to me was to submit. He told me that my Christlike attitude would lead my husband to Christ. I told him that my husband already claimed to be a Christian, but that his temper and abuse of drugs and alcohol were making life with him almost impossible to stay together. He prayed for us and sent me on my way with advice to read the Scriptures on the marriage relationship, and as a faithful Christian woman I stayed.

My husband tried to the best of his ability to be a better man and husband. We have been to counseling, we have attended seminars, and he says all the right stuff, but his hot temper continues and his constant lying makes believing and or trusting him impossible partly because of his pathological lying, and a fling he had with one of his customers. I am not sure how long that lasted. He still hasn't admitted the infidelity, even though he sent her flowers and they rented a hotel room together. I accidently found the receipts or I still might not have known.

My reason for posting this is that I am ready to go to heaven and I wanted somebody to know. I didn't want a divorce legacy, but I am in pain daily from severe spinal problems and my future looks pretty bleak. As I said, I can no longer deal with my husband's addiction, so at 55 years old, I am living with my dad. This is not a good situation, but it works for now. I am trying to get a job, but my lack of a four year degree and the constant pain from my damaged back is making employment out of reach. My life is done as far as usefulness and I haven't found a way to support myself. Being divorced sounds wrong for a christian woman, but staying in this relationship is no longer an option for me. I know my life span is God's decision, but I lost my mom when she was only 54. I miss her and look forward to seeing her again and leaving all this turmoil behind.

My boys are grown men now, but they have terrible memories of their childhood when it comes to the fighting they saw and heard. I feel terribly guilty about that. Kind of wish I had never been born. I know all the wonderful things Scripture says about God knowing me as I was knit together in my mother's womb. That is awesome, but my purpose seems done if it was to birth my sons. They are good men in spite of the parenting they had. So my prayer is please take me home Lord.

I needed to spill my guts a bit, and found this site. I am not expecting any answers because there are none outside of Christ and that is whom I am ready to see face to face. Not to worry for anyone thinking I am suicidal. I'm not. I am just done with life and want to go home.

OkayRenee, I just came across your story. It is usually pretty quiet on the weekends.

Always have hope when all seems hopeless. That is the time that God will pick you up and carry you. Read some of the threads here of people who came here crawling and now are thriving.

Life could beat us down, there are highs and there are lows and we find happiness and we find sorrow. There is God's plan for each of us. we cannot change the past, just accept it and try to do better.

Your husband is an abusive man and it is not surprising that you are feeling depressed and alone.

It is difficult when life does not turn out as we planned. As long as we wake up each morning there is hope.

You will find support on this site. It was a God send to me when i needed it most.

God bless

Renee, there is scripture about infidelity being a valid reason to seek divorce, that there is divorce because of the hardness of man's hearts. Dobson's Love Must be Tough goes through the specific scriptures. I know it's sad when one chapter in your life is ending, but you are a spiritual woman, and it will become obvious what comes next. Hang in there!

Giving up on an abusive marriage is one thing. Giving up on life and just waiting for the end is entirely different. Maybe you have 2 years, maybe 20? You are depressed and for a good reason. Let the pain, guilt and attachment issues involved in separating go thru full cycle before you subscribe to such a dark view of life in general. Life right now is very difficult for sure but you are finally taking on very big step to improve upon it in some way. Why not let the chips fall where they may with that move, let the dust settle a little bit, and then see if there is a second step to improving your life that avails itself to you? What do you have to lose by giving it a try? Many hugs!

I just returned from a trip home with my two kids to see my Mom and Dad. I am 41. They are 63 and 64. They have helped me through the most horrific year and a half of my life and they are 3,000 miles away. Even if they were crippled, blind, and sick, and in pain, they still mean the world to me and I don't know what I would have done without them.

Your children still need you Renee. More than you know.

~optimism

Renee, I am so sorry that you have had to go through all the painful things that have happened. I too have had to deal with serious health issues over the past few years, and will have to have more surgeries in the future.

I understand what you say when you speak of not wanting to live your remaining years as part of an abusive marriage. But I would like to encourage you to know that that is not the limit of what you can expect of your "last years". There is so much more of you than just a wife or mother. As important as these roles are, you are worth far more as yourself, also.

You may find some help to make your marriage work (I have to say that the pastor you spoke to needs to have a size 12 boot up his a$$, and told that the bible tells HIM to turn the other "cheek", too). Or you may find that the best outcome is for you to leave the marriage and keep from having to suffer the emotional ups and downs it brings.

Please see a lawyer as soon as possible. That does not obligate you to have a divorce, but it WILL put safeguards in place so that you are not left homeless and penniless. Your husband has an obligation to provide for your financial and medical needs; he does not get to walk away from his responsibilities just because he behaves as an SOB. Your lawyer will be happy to let you know the options that are open to you. If your can't afford a lawyer, there are some options for legal aid. Contact your local domestic violence hotline for some resources.

If you have worked more than 40 quarters, you probably qualify for Social Security Disability, if your health is so poor (if you live in the US; I don't know about other countries, not sure where you live). If you have not worked outside the home, then see above about contacting the lawyer to get support from your husband.

Please don't feel you carry all the responsibility for a relationship gone awry. Your husband is responsible for his poor choice in allowing his temper to become abusive. It sounds like you have done a good job in raising your sons. Please let them give you the love and emotional support you need. Do not suffer through this alone.

My prayers are with you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Renee, I am so sorry you find yourself here; please take everyone's advice on here and start putting yourself first. Take care of you.
There are many things you can do to help plan a future for yourself; first see a lawyer, EllenG is right you do not have to become homeless and penniless because you choose to not remain in an abusive situation. Second if you do go with disability also check into the Bureau of Vocational Rehab; they will often help pay for training and some college. They are many more opportunities for online courses and you can always start slow and work your way up.
Next, can you give some idea as to a diagnosis regarding your back pain and I can possibly give some advice on some alternative measures or traditional rehab.

Hugs and Prayers

OkayRenee,
God only knows that I am probably the last person in the world to give anyone advice, but your story really touched me.
As a Christian I too struggle with whether or not D is right. Scripture plainly says that an A is a valid reason for D. It also tells you that when Christ died for our sins he died for ALL our sins - he had to have died for every sin we would ever commit or those of us born after his death and resurrection would not be under His grace.

Having said that, you cannot commit a sin that he hasn't already forgiven you for. That doesn't give us license to do whatever we want to do and then say "Oops - sorry", but the God I serve would not want his children to live in the situation you desribed.

You do not deserve what you have endured but, like so many here - including me - you believe there is no life after the end of this R. I believe we are both very wrong.

As someone posted earlier, perhaps you could qualify for disability and job training. I'm right behind you in age and 54 sounds mighty young these days!!! Heck, 50 is the new 30!!

I don't know if anything I've said will be helpful, but there are many folks who post regularly that give wonderful advice. My problem is listening and acting.

Good luck to you. God bless.

Renee:

I am 58 and recently left my emotionally and verbally abusive H of 38 years. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through, including the death of my dad and several close relatives. I don't have any children and stbxh and I will both have to claw our way back to some kind of life.

I rely on daily prayer and my 84 year old Mom, my cousin and a few good friends for solace. Today even my worst day alone is a thousand times better than a day with H.

Yes I wantwed the forever marriage and thought I could do it until I found my health slipping too. That was it - I decided to save myself.

My prayers are with you.

Renee,
54 is very young, you could have another 40 years ahead of you, the best years of your life! The first half hasn't been so good, don't you want to stick around and see what good there might be in store yet? A person should not stay in an abusive situation. The preacher that counseled you to "submit" to an abusive man ought to be locked in a room with someone bigger and angrier than he so he could learn what he's talking about! Grrr!
Have you sought counseling from a trained professional? It would be helpful. There are organizations such as womenspace that can help you get your start in a place to call your own, training for work, counseling, etc. You could also take a trip to a local community college and see what they might have to offer as far as teaching job skills...you could apply for a grant to cover the costs. Life is not over, not by any means. For you it is just beginning! And I reiterate that your kids still need you no matter how old they get. Good luck to you, we're here any time you want to talk.