It has been 3 years since I found out about the affair and divorced. Was married for 14 years w 2 children. Our wedding anniversary was 9/11. He cheated on me the entire time he was deployed in Iraq and I found out when he returned. I have worked hard to move on and I was doing really well. I have a boyfriend of 2 years. My x's affair fell apart during the divorce. He is with a new girl now and he has moved on.

Today I took a major step back - crying feeling the pain of 9/11 and a loss of my marriage. My children are with him this weekend with his new girlfriend. I can't believe I still feel like I am being replaced again. I feel really stupid for feeling this way. After the divorce, I picked myself up and really was proud of how I not only recovered but was happy with who I was becoming.

My boyfriend is also divorced (18 yr marriage) and is scared to commit. I think this may be why I am crying today. I feel like I am not moving forward in life of what it should be. But what is "should be"? Marriage? Living together? What is the new normal? Am I dating someone that will never commit and does that matter?

I'm going to take a shot at this one from what you wrote. Your words in black, my thoughts in red.



It has been 3 years since I found out about the affair and divorced. It takes about two years, on average, to recover from the pain of an affair. This includes whether you stay in the marriage or divorce. That's an average - so being three years out, your pain isn't a huge surprise that it lingers.

Was married for 14 years w 2 children. Our wedding anniversary was 9/11. The fact that you are feeling these special pains on a wedding anniversary also is not a big surprise, in fact, it would be more of a surprise if you felt "blank". Add to this, the 9/11 factor. I cried yesterday, too. Most Americans likely did, those of us who remember...who gave consideration to that day, those moments. It was a rough day for us then, and now. For you - add in the affair, the wedding anniversary, the divorce, the trauma of all of this, and the lingering sense of loss. You of course cried.

He cheated on me the entire time he was deployed in Iraq and I found out when he returned. Dr. Harley explains that the greater the betrayal, the longer it may take the betrayed spouse to recover from the affair.

I have worked hard to move on and I was doing really well.

I have a boyfriend of 2 years. My personal thoughts are that you "moved on" far too quickly. You gave yourself a year, and went back into the dating scene. While the guy might be nice, I wonder if you did any work whatsoever on the real issues stemming from your marital disaster? What I am asking is a huge question, and I want you to consider it as such. When the affair happened, you were in shock, despair, and likely also had plenty of anger. After the initial mess died down, did you evaluate your marriage - in a structured manner - to understand the state of the marriage before the affair took place, what contributions you and he both made to that situation that led to the affair, and how you could make changes to yourself so that in the next relationship you would:

-choose a different type of man, one suited to the "new you"
-structure your idea of relationships differently to protect them against affairs
-approach the relationship concept differently to build better emotional bonds
-clearly design your idea of what your "ideal" marriage would look like?

I ask because these things are needed BEFORE you begin to consider dating again. You need to do lots of work after an affair. My thoughts are that you didn't have time to do this - instead, you got back on the dating wagon long before you were ready. Now, you have this boyfriend...

My x's affair fell apart during the divorce. Predictable. Once you separated from your husband, the OW was faced with having to meet all of your husband's emotional needs. She never was capable of doing that. Unfortunately, the two of you had already driven far down the divorce road and figured you could not turn around.

He is with a new girl now and he has moved on. This may or may not be true. The idea of "moving on" is an interesting concept. There are many instances where the WS hasn't really moved on, but believes the BS has, so they give up the idea of repairing the marriage. If you believe you still love the man, and you think he still may love you, there is a possibility that you could recover this marriage.

Today I took a major step back - crying feeling the pain of 9/11 and a loss of my marriage. My children are with him this weekend with his new girlfriend. I can't believe I still feel like I am being replaced again. I feel really stupid for feeling this way. see above

After the divorce, I picked myself up and really was proud of how I not only recovered but was happy with who I was becoming. A temporary setback - don't be confused that the rollercoaster ride you are on is anything other than normal. You will go up and down, but ultimately, you will level out.

My boyfriend is also divorced (18 yr marriage) and is scared to commit. This is something that screams out to me. Why? Because this one sentence tells so much about


YOU.

This is the man YOU chose. Consider that you chose this man just one year after the affair. You chose a man unwilling to commit. Why? Because at the time, YOU DID NOT WANT TO COMMIT. Likely because the inner thoughts were that somewhere, somehow, the marriage you were in might resurrect? Or, that maybe you were so sick of the idea of marriage that you wanted nothing to do with it at all? Either way, YOU CHOSE this man who did not want to commit.

Now, you look at him and complain about this very issue, when at first it was an attractive feature.

He. Is. Not. The. Man. For. You.

I say that because:

1. You were not even remotely ready to begin dating again when you chose him.
2. Your Basic Concepts of marriage are certainly not yet in place. Read this site and start yourself on a course of enlightenment about what happened in your marriage, the affair, and the aftermath. Figure out where you are now, and how to really "move forward" from here.
3. The man you have before you might very well recognize the issues that you are carrying with you from the other marriage. You see, the one common denominator you have from your previous relationship with your cheating husband, and the new relationship with this man - is YOU. It may be that the BF's lack of commitment towards you has something to do with a consistent weakness that he sees - and the Marriage Builders program may help you figure out what that is. Look at the Emotional Needs Questionnaires, the Basic Concepts, and read this website.


Like I said, once you figure out what went wrong in the first relationship, your clarity with this new one will happen.

And I think you will be single again.

It sounds negative right now, but I believe you will find this to be a positive - for YOU.



I think this may be why I am crying today. I feel like I am not moving forward in life of what it should be. But what is "should be"? Marriage? Living together? What is the new normal? Am I dating someone that will never commit and does that matter?

WOW! Schoolbus. I am glad I came back to Marriage Builders to ask these questions. The Forum is the group that first alerted me that my x was cheating on me. I will never forget the "Rooster in the Hen House" quote. I searched and found out he was and here we are today.

So I come back after 3 years and now you tell me things that I have been feeling and that I knew in the back of my head but could not define. WOW!

I believed that you marry forever, good catholic girl. I never really dated - my narcissist x spouse (child custody divorce court appointed pysch evaluation told me that) asked me to marry him after 12 dates and I said yes at 22 yrs old. BIG MISTAKE! Oh well, I have 2 beautiful children that I would not ever trade for anything out of that marriage. I have learned that I was mentally abused during the relationship and didn't even know it. Since the divorce, we have communicated back and forth that we were not there for each other. He never was there for me and I never communicated my needs. Looking back - it was a real mess and I ignored the situation.

When I found out that he was cheating on me - I quickly tried to find someone to help me with my pain and make me feel beautiful. I did. He is wonderful to me - which I have never had before. He was divorced for 5 years and has been working on himself. He and I talk about everything. Yes, I have a lot of work to do on me. I know nothing about building a solid relationship and the work it takes. I go into a shell and don't communicate well. Working on that. I need to put that special person first in my life. Working on that. I know I have a lot to work on and I plan on taking your advice and going through the info here to learn.

So boy do I have a lot of work ahead. I sooo appreciate your kindness, understanding and hitting me between the eyes approach.

One question - am I supposed to be totally alone and don't date or get involved with anyone during the process?

My current boyfriend tells me that he will be there for me emotionally forever because he loves me but doesn't want to move in because he is afraid. Bet your right, he recognizes the flags on my side. Should we call it quits till I work on me and figure out what I want and what I need so I can make that other person happy too?

I broke free from "Fun Guy" to heal myself.

Why am I in so much pain when I know I have to do this? How do I ease the pain?

JH

I am a very junior poster at this site but I am going to take a stab at answering your question.

Maybe the reason you are in so much pain is because you still love your WH?

I am considered a very strong woman and I discovered my WH's 5 year affair, everyone has been telling me how shocked they are at the fact that I have not kicked him out the house, they have even gone so far as to say they would have put their heads on the chopping block that my immediate reaction would have been to put him out.

And yet, here I am, we are still living in the same house. The reason? because at the end of the day, not because someone has hurt you means you automatically stop loving them. Sometimes I wish that was the way it worked because it would make life a lot simpler, there would be no decisions to make now would there?
But apparently what is to make the end result more appreciable is the work that must be put in to the relationship so as to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
If we could choose the people we fall in love with, many of us would probably make different choices but, alas, we have no control over our emotions.

Just a thought.