History first-

I "was" the other woman when husband and I got together 13 yrs ago. (I found out married after the fact. Wife contacted me and I ended it with him. Then she divorced him and we got back together)

Seven years ago, husband started using drugs to cope with PTSD.
Oct 2008 - husband tried to kill self and was admitted to hospital.
Husband meant women in hospital and began emotional affair with her. He began Recovery program with other woman. I found out and kicked him out.
Dec 2008 - Two months later he ended affair. We began marriage counseling (lasted a whole two sessions and he quit)
February 2009 - Ex wife(no kids) contacted him and the woman he cheated on me with contacted him. When I confronted him about it he lied and said it was nothing.
March 2009 - After agruments about it he removed ex-wife as a friend and admitted that he was having feelings for her again.
Sept 2009 - He began and emotional affair with my best friedn and his best freind's wife. I discussed my concerns with both of them (hubby and friend). They said it was nothing and told me I was crazy for thinking anything was going on. THey both continued to make jokes about how I was carzy and they needed to sleep iwht one eye open. The best friend knew about the previous affair.
November 2009 - After some stalking and with a computer program I found a very, very,very racy conversation between the two of them. I printed it in front of husband and told him I wanted a divorce. I left. This affair he seemed more remorseful for because ALL of our friends and family found out about it and he was shunned by them all. He lost his best firend and several friends over it.
December 2009 - I suggested "Marriage Builders" He seemed interested at first and read one chaper then it ended up thrown under a pile of other half started things.

Everything ws good for a couple months. He was attentive and concerend with my feelings and what I wanted to do or watch on TV.

September 2010 - He's back at it again. He searched out his ex-wife on Facebook and sent a friend request. She replied back real nasty which I don't blame her. He didn't say a word to me about it. I questioned him about it and he ommitted taht she replied back in my opinion that is just lying because he was ommitting the whole story.

Now I just want to throw my hands up in the air because again he isn't being honest and I can't trust him. It would be different if he had said "Hey I tried to contact so and so and then I realized after the fact it wsn't right. " He didn't now he thinks there was NOTHING wrong with him contacting her. He keeps saying that I have to trust him.

How can I trust him if he keeps bringing up these contacts with OTHER WOMEN?? Now I feel like there is no remorse and it won't ever stop. It only stops long enough for me to begin feeling a little comfortable in releasing the trust striings.

Suggestions anyone???

Welcome to this board.
You WH is a serial cheater and so far you have given him no consequences for his action.
I am not sure if a plan A would work for you at this point as he is so wayward it would really take more than just plan A and I think you went thru enough already.
I would tell him that he either commits to MC with the Harleys or that you will have him move out of the house till he can give up his compulsion to have one A after the other.
You surely cannot trust a man like this!
Read about plan B on this site. You will get support here on how to write the letter and implement the plan.
blessing

This man is clearly a serial cheater, starting with his first marriage (his affair with you). Good for you for breaking it off when you found out way back then. Did his 1st BS divorce him over his affair with you, or was he a serial cheater with her too?

Do you have any children together?

My advice, run as fast as you can.

So you marry a man who cheated with you on his first wife...and then you're surprised when he cheats on you too?

Sorry but you aren't going to get a ton of support here and many people will feel it's a slap in the face for you to come here and ask for support when you were the OW to his BW (Betrayed Wife) in his first marriage and broke that marriage up. Why in the world would you have gotten back together with him "after" his M broke up??? You knew he was a cheater and married him anyways???

The best advice you are going to get is to cut your losses, the sooner the better.

I hope and pray you have apologized to his first wife. She deserves at least that much.

P.S. And thank you for admitting right up front that you were the OW in his first marriage, it will be appreciated by many and I am not being facetious.

This man has been TRYING to tell you VERY important information. I think it is time you sat down and LISTENED.


Translation: I am more important and my NEEDS are more important than the commitment I made to my marriage. Those were just words I'll throw out the window when I want. I do not respect YOU enough to be truthful, instead I will use you to satisfy my needs, and if that requires lying, I will do so.


Translation: As in my first marriage, the vows I made STILL have no meaning. You are not special or important enough to have given those words meaning to me now. I will do what I want to make myself happy.



Translation: I have no desire to undergo the hard work and self-introspection that becoming a good husband requires.


Translation: I am more important than you. I will always ensure there are back doors available for me to get my needs met when you fail to do so. You have no right to expect otherwise and are not worth my discomfort at telling you the truth. Since I am more important than you I am going to lie.


Translation: I will get my needs met no matter WHO I hurt, my wife, my best friend. I am more important than they.


Translation: Well - crap - someone actually gave me consequences to my actions and I LOST something. That kinda hurt. But my wife has never been serious and she knows who I am. She won't really leave me. I'll play good for a while so we can get back to 'normal'. Here, normal is a complacent wife who leaves me free to pursue other women.


Translation: This program requires work. I have no interest in bettering myself. I want to sweep this under the rug and get back to normal. (see above.


Translation: Gotta pretend to be good so we can get back to 'normal'


Translation: I've been good for long enough. Now we should be back to normal. Gotta see who I can get to be my backup when I want my needs met. You aren't important enough for me to really change who I am.


No - you CAN'T trust him. Honestly I'm baffled at why you thought you could. His actions from the FIRST DAY you met him have been deceitful.

When you found out he was married - that should have been your first clue that this guy was not worth being married to. Dating is a trial for marriage. It's a job interview. If someone STEALS from the cash register on a job interview why on earth would you GIVE them the job?

He told you, up front, how it was going to be with his actions. You chose, however, to believe his words. You chose to believe that you were special and different. That you were unique. That you were better than his wife and could REALLY make him happy.

Why did you chose to believe his lying words and not his actions?



Leave him. He won't change.

Atena - Thanks for your civilized response and empathy.

PrincessMeggy - His 1st wife was also cheating on him at the same time he was talking with me. She divorced hubby to marry the other man who she is now divorced from.

We have two children biologically and two from my previous marriage.

MarriedForever - So in your opinion, because I was once the OW and karma has now come back to me. I don't deserve support????

Personal and judgemental attacks on my decisions are not what I came here for. So I will bow out gracefully from this site and program.

Vibrissa - Thanks for the translations.

Sooooo what? This makes it ok? Your husband's ex-wife's actions have little bearing on HIS marital vows. At least, if he were a man of integrity.

He isn't.


Then I feel sorry that their mother decided to have children with someone who is NOT marriage material and thus, not father material. The best father is the one who loves and cherishes his wife.

I also feel sorry that it's taken you two bad marriages to get to this point, as your older children will have to experience a second destruction of their childhood and security, by the people who were supposed to love them the most.

I suggest you buy and read Between two worlds: the untold lives of children and divorce before you even contemplate another relationship.


No, but you've got to admit, if you were a rapist, coming to get advice from rape vitctims probably wouldn't go over too well with the victims. Many people here are recovering from the emotional rape of their lives (as described by the victims of adultery).


Self-righteous anger may make you feel better, but it ain't gonna help you any. However, you probably wont get much useful help here. If you are SERIOUS about trying to save your marriage, I'd call the coaching center. They harbor no compunctions about helping affair partners build a strong marriage. However, you're already starting off on a VERY bad foot, and I doubt your husband will do what it takes to fix this marriage.



No prob.

Try to pick better next time, k? For your kids' sake if not your own.

Your choice Brake... good luck to you.

TJ/Darn! I wanted to ask her if her WH happened to be the OM in her "previous" marriage./TJ

I never mentioned anything about karma, those are YOUR words and I'm sorry you took it that way.

I also didn't say anything about you not DESERVING support ~ only giving you fair warning that many hurting BSs on this forum will probably (and I'm speaking from experience) be offended that you are here asking help considering a OW almost destroyed them and their marriage, seeing as you are an OW yourself.

Just sayin'...