My first time posting here. I am 40, wife is 37. Married 13 years. 3 children-12,8,8. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. 52 days ago while still in active addiction I found out my wife had cheated on me with another man. My wife confessed-emotional part had been going on for a month, physical part for 3 days. When I discovered, I was whacked out of my mind on alcohol and drugs. Went to a treatment center to detox the day I found out. Have not touched a drink or drug since.

Was in detox for a week, came back home, started back to work, and participated in intensive outpatient therapy. After returning home, I gave it a week before discussing the infidelity with my wife. When I confronted her, she would not tell me who OM was; she also stated that emotional affair was still ongoing. I became very angry at this point, cursing. She would not come clean. Very painful interaction, she said she was leaving at that point. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed. I asked her to put a halt to it. She said "I think I'm going to put a halt to it."

I tried to put the situation out of my mind for a couple of weeks. My sobriety comes first, and I am treating it as such. Our relationship became better each day. We started kissing again and sleeping in same bed (we haven't slept in same bed for years-long story for another post perhaps). One day around 3 weeks ago, curiosity got the better of me, and I checked her cell phone. I found nothing incriminating. She caught me, however, and threatened to leave again. She assured me it was over with OM.

Relationship still seems to get better. We text and call each other all the time, talk like we've never talked, and make love like we've never made love. I have checked her cell phone several times in the past two weeks (haven't got caught) and found nothing suspicious.

After a quickie at home this afternoon, I asked her if she has seen or communicated with OM. She said she has seen him. She is an attorney and I believe OM is attorney (I still don't know who he is though). She said she hasn't communicated with him, but she has seen him around town. We live in a relatively small town and she says it is hard not to see him. She doesn't work with him. She said he has respected her boundaries and has not attempted communication after she put a halt to it.

I explained that she could neither see nor communicate with OM ever again if we are to continue working on our relationship. She said she would not communicate, but it may be hard not to see him around town.

Although relationship seems to be improving, this still hurts like a [censored]. I think and obsess about it everyday. I want to know who OM is. I don't know if this knowledge would do me any good, but its really bugging me. Where do you folks suggest I go from here?

stillhurting - I'm so sorry you're here, but you have come to the best place to recover your marriage.

Yes, you should find out who the OM is and you should expose this to his wife as well as your family and friends. This will ensure no contact between your wife and OM in the future.

Read, read and read EVERYTHING on this site. Start with Dr. Harley's basic concepts and other threads on here as well.

I'm not a veteran, but a long time lurker and an eager student of MB principles. The vets will be along shortly to get you off on the right foot. Do yourself a favor and do EVERYTHING they say. You cannot pick and choose aspects of MB and expect to get the results you want.

Good luck!

aBetterMe

As long as your WW doesn't tell you who the OM is, you can safely assume that either the A is (1) still ongoing, but futher underground, or (2) waiting to start up again at a moment's notice.

The facts are very simple: your WW is not being open and honest with you. She values the secrecy of her relationship with the OM over your peace of mind.

Snoop, snoop, snoop. You're likely to find that the OM is probably someone who works close with her at the office (one possible reason for the her continuing to keep the OM's name secret is possible consequences if it got out, e.g. job loss, or even legal ramifications.

Can you check her cell/text records? Do you have passwords for email and FB?

Waywards get VERY addicted to contact and usually sloppy as well, so there is a good chance you can find some evidence of who OM is.

Have you checked pockets, under the car seat, in the purse etc? Maybe you can find something...

Next step is installing a keylogger, VAR and GPS devices in the car.

You've got to get the goods so that we can help you with the next step to busting up the A. She will not be able to stop it on her own and PLEASE do not try to "talk" her out of it. That never works and just will push her to take things further underground.

In the meantime, Plan A your butt off ~ learn about meeting ENs and avoiding lovebusters. Make yourself the more attractive choice and the home a pleasant place to be. I'll be back with a link for you...

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Reminder: DO NOT share this site and these plans with your WW.

VAR = voice activated digital recording device.

Buy one and hide it in her car...

you'll likely catch her having a conversation with OM...

or...

at least a conversation with one of her girlfriends that is in her loop.

[he's likely married and she's protecting him]

The easiest way to get his identity is by snooping.

Mr. Wondering

Absolutely you have to know who the OM is. This is information about your life to which you have a right to know. You will never be able to trust her if you don't know. She owes you this information.

I suspect the affair is still going on or she wouldn't be hiding him. I bet he is also married and she is protecting him.

I would try and get the name from her first and then come here. We will help you with next steps.

AGREE. The affair is still on.

OM is married. Wife told me this when she confessed. Don't have e-mail or FB passwords. May be able to covertly check cell text records. Any vendor recommendations for VAR, keylogging devices? Once I purchase these, should I have them delivered to my office rather than home? Thanks.

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A good keylogger is eblaster because it will email you the reports so you only have to touch her computer once. It is pricy but it is a good program. You can get it at spectorpro.com

I dont' know about VAR brands. Check out the Spying 102 thread for that, but I think you can get them at Radio Shack. Get a digital recorder. here

Another thing I would do is put a GPS on her car. Some are recommended on that thread.

Check her phone bill to see if you can find a phone # and also look into putting flexispy on her phone. You can get the cheap version of flexispy for $130 and it will forward you her texts. flexispy.com

I would also try and follow her when it seems likely she is going to meet the OM. Bring a camera and catch them together.

http://www.spectorsoft.com/ for the keylogger.

Expect to spend about $40-50 for the VAR. Don't waste your money on less. I started with a $20 one from WalMart. It was worthless. Try Radio Shack.

Check for an extra cell phone. She may be using a 'pay as you go phone' to hide her tracks.

As far as delivery - if you can get your WW's computer for a short period of time, you can download the keylogger straight from the website. It's fast - maybe 5 minutes. It runs in stealth mode, so she'll never know it's there.

You say you live in a small town? This snoop may work for you: try googling 'attorneys in your town and state name here' That should bring up a slew of attorneys. You'll have to weed some of them out - just the word 'attorney' is tagged to a lot of sites. Hopefully your town name will help thin the herd. You may be able to compile a list of suspects to research.

OK. Giving this a go. Just purchased e-blaster and installed on home computer.

SH, did you set up another email account to send the reports to? I would be sure and make up a new web based email acct that she doesn';t know about. You don't want her to come across the reports.

I hope you get what you need so you can move forward. Knowing what you are up against is an important step.

Excellent. Now comes a tough part - you need to collect and save this intel until you have enough to confront her. Don't read one email and blow your stack, kwim? Be cool and get enough. Then come here and let us know what you've got. We'll help you with the next step.

And keep this in mind for when you DO confront her: don't tell her how you know! Just that you do, and you have proof. You don't want her to know what your snooping methods are, or she'll find a way to skirt them.

Checked ww cell phone this morning. Found following records from 9/9/10:

Possible OM to WW
9/9-10:40 am
Where are you hiding? I am hanging out in your office.

Possible OM to WW
9/9-10:45 am
U not talking to me anymore?:(

WW to possible OM
9/9-10:55 am
In ofc near you@bki in a mtg.

Possible OM to WW
9/9-11:03 am
Booo. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of you-who is *****(WW coworker) and what does he want with my wonderful self?

WW to possible OM
9/9-11:28 am
In my office.

9/9/-11:31am
Possible OM to WW
Awesome

Do you folks think this is OM? Where should I go from here?

Frankly this exchange does not mean much to me...usually they use a lot more romantic...or sexy or what have you. This conversation is pretty bland..but what do I know?
YOu need more evidence than this.
blessing

I'm going to have to go back and read your thread to refresh myself on where you are at this point. You're still collecting intel, right? Did you forward these emails to your own phone? You need to save them. You can email them to yourself as well, but you'll lose the chain of phone numbers. See if you can forward them to your email. Be sure to erase the forwarding record on the 'sent' stuff on your WW's phone.

Call me suspicious, but who else would a grown woman have such constant contact with over a one hour period??? Is there an accompanying number? Can you find out who owns the number?