Moving from Surviving Affair forum to here. If I should move my post - let me know how to do that - Titled "Replacement"

Background:
- Married 14 years - 2 kids - found out x was cheating on me entire 1 yr he was deployed in Iraq (and probably longer).
- Divorced and to ease the pain and get my self esteem back - went on internet to meet new people. I never really dated and got married right out of college. So new world to me.
- Met a wonderful - also scarred divorcee - that was fun and we enjoy every minute w each other. But he will not discuss future he enjoys where we are now (having fun) and can not predict what will happen.
- I know I have to work on me and I am now seeing why my marriage failed (mostly communication issues).
- Although in complete pain - I just asked boyfriend of 2 years to take a break to figure out where I go from here.
- Now I am going through the Marriage Builders topics to learn what I can to have a wonderful marriage. It is what I want but I don't know how to get there for find the right person.

Appreciate input, advice, etc. Thanks!

My advice would be to not get serious with anyone who does not also believe in having an MB marriage. I'm not sure at what point you could bring it up. Certainly after two years of dating, but I think you know that this guy isn't interested in discussing a future.

I am very, very wary of 'live in the present'-type people. They're the ones who will cheat on you just because you weren't present. lol. Give me a roomful of 'I live this way today because of who I want to be tomorrow' people instead.

I think it's good to be alone for a while to figure out your boundaries. And if you want marriage in your future, it's not a bad idea at all to weed out the wishy-washy types.

Mr. Fun Guy isn't interested in marriage at this point and possibly never. If you want marriage, start by taking a break from dating and work on making yourself all you can be and being happy with yourself...that takes time, esp. if you've always been married. When the time is right, you'll know it.

My son is a good example of this. He's 26 and hasn't met the right girl yet, but in the meanwhile, he's just going about life enjoying activities and going to school, and not worrying about if/when he meets the right person. I'm confident that when the time is right, he WILL meet the right one. He's buying his first home and has had so many great experiences that lend to his being a well-rounded, well-adjusted person, while the other guys his age have blindly gotten married (and some of them already divorced). In my estimation he's miles ahead of the rest of us, I wish I'd started my life out like him!

I think the most important thing is to pick the right person. For that you need to learn who you really are. What are your values? Where do you put your money (which usually shows you where your values lie)? What are your deal-breakers? Where do you want your life to go? These will help you find someone who is compatible with you long-term.

A lot of the information in MB is great for analysizing a romantic relationship. What needs of mine does he meet naturally? Which ones are not getting filled? What does he do without thinking that really hurts me? How easy is it for me to meet his needs? How willing am I to change to meet his needs or avoid hurting his love for me?

In general, I'm willing to talk about LoveBusters, things he does that I don't like. However, if someone weren't meeting my emotional needs, I would just break it off. If you have to work at getting needs met while dating, how much worse will it be when you're married?

Plus, if there were real incompatibilities with our lifestyles or values or how we saw the world, I'd break it off because difficulty of practicing POJA corrolates to how different you are. For example, imagine your idea of Saturaday night is to go out dancing at a club and his idea is to stay home and read. POJA says neither of you should feel as if you are sacrificing. How much easier is it if you both want to have dinner out and come home and watch COPS on TV? Then all you have to POJA is the restaurant.

Thank you to all of you that have responded. Please keep responding - it is so helpful.

I have been 24 hours of cutting off relations with "Fun Guy" and I feel as if I am missing my "Blankee." He was my communicator, lover, friend. I asked him to cut relations with me till Thanksgiving - then we would talk. It is really hard but I know it is what I need to heal. He knows that I have not addressed some "divorce" issues and he wants me to figure it out too.

I have never met someone that listen to me, loved me, made me laugh as much as he did. We were so compatable and enjoyed everything we did together. But I have gotten really upset lately with realizing that this is as good as it gets. He is afraid to get totally involved again coming out of a 18 yr marriage. And yes, I think that the part time relationship was good for me too as I didn't want to get involved right after my divorce so it was safe.

I am going to a seminar on learning how to heal my aloneness and to feel good about it so I can be happy with myself first before I am happy with another.

Coming out of a 14+ year marriage, I guess I have never really been physically alone - although - I said yesterday - that I have been emotionally alone all of my life and it wasn't till my relationship with "Fun Guy" that I found out how fulfilling it can be to have someone to understand me and share life.

I feel as if I am blowing up everything - but I think I have to figure out what I want. What if I never find that person that wants a MB Marriage too?

JustHope,
You are doing the right thing. And this separation will tell you both a lot. It will be revealing and help clarify how the two of you actually feel.
Good luck with your seminar, sounds good!

PS...when you're alone, you can enjoy Doritos all to yourself! And you can hang out in those comfortable pjs. And pick chick flicks to watch. And have control over the remote! And get a dog if you want, without checking with anyone else. You can stay up all night and sleep in if you want. Being alone isn't ALL bad!

Thanks! It is so painful at night. But you are right. It is what is needed and I will grow from it. Just wish it was not so hard.

Any advice from friends on how to ease the pain...I know you all have been there.