So after what seemed lengthy to me, but not to some others I am sure (3 months) have tried unsuccessfully to put my marriage back together. I didnt get info on the MB thing until late in the game, but my wife wouldnt have anything to do with it anyway. The process I went through was pretty close to Plan A and Plan B anyway, even though I didnt know it.

Anyway, I know in my heart, I tried, for my 4 kids sake to save this. Unrepentant heart, and it takes 2 to fix things though, so rather than ride the roller coaster (wife stopped me 2 times in mediation, saying she wanted to work on it) I decided to just file. Meet my lawyer Saturday. Scarey proposition, going to fight for full custody and know its a somewhat uphill battle. More and more single fathers out there though, so only the Lord knows.

I hate that I went through this affair, but you know, I learned alot about life as a result. I finally found my way back to faith I had been missing for years. I realized how my military career had became a focus of my life, and my 4 boys were not the part they needed to play in my show. I have new found relationships with my boys, and am working on some faith building for them as well, a role I have been negligent in, in the past. I learned that I loved my wife enough to be forgiving of something so painful as an affair, I think helping me realize what a good man I am. I always thought, if this happened, I would be, get the heck out you explative. I have a forgiving heart, and have also found emotions that I have released through this process, something huge for someone that lived as internally as I did.

I am young (39) and though I have no desire for another relationship, I know I deserve better than I got. I have learned valuable lessons on how to treat a woman, and recongnize her needs through the multitude of self help books I read since D day. Some day, Lord willing, I will be able to put those tools to work, and make someone very happy.

Divorce is not a quick process. Papers should be served within a week though, so I guess its going to be a rough time ahead. I feel the most positive about my decision I have yet felt, though part of me will grieve what I wish could have happened. I am 2 years from the ability to retire from the military, and we always had dreams of RV travel to see our kids as they scatter across the country. All these years raising kids, we didnt allow ourselves the time for each other, and we were just approaching that ability. Why she chose 17 years to stray, thats the toughest pill to swallow.

Oh well, focus on the positive. Hopefully now I can start feeling healthy, focus at work, and actually focus on my children, instead of all my attention on how to put this darn puzzle back together.

So no, I cant add the I am officially divorced statement, but I can say mentally I am there now, and firm in my decision.

I am sure many of us know the ups and downs in dealing with infadelity. Since this post, I filed, and went dark. I know its not exactly text book MB, but well, it worked, somewhat. While I went dark, the wife went panic. She finally cought me off guard calling late in the evening and I answered the phone thinking it was a work call. Anyway, that was my first Dark break in only 4 days. She said she does love me and wanted to work on the marriage. She did everything I could expect in coming clean, open and honest. Everything she chose. Closing email accounts, changing cell numbers, activating phone tracking, etc.... Well, she returned from her parents, and for about a week, it was going very well. Suddenly that same wall was up. When I pressed her on what was really the issue, did she contact OM or what, she said basically she was fighting, but she was not in love with me, and everything I do, makes her think of OM. She then proceeded to admit she was not even attracted to me any more. My one stipulation when she canceled the divorce, was, she was doing this for me, not the kids or financial reasons. She assured me then it was for her love for me.

Anyway, hearing this, I let my first love buster, and again pulled out the divorce weapon. She is fine with divorce now, and we are proceeding. The surreal aspect, is we had a long talk yesterday, and it almost seems silly we are still divorcing. I think I know deep down, she just either truely does not love me (of course her claim its been for at least 10 years) or she is still in the fog and cant honestly answer herself if she loves me or not.

Anyway, spelling out finances, and our debts, etc... its pretty obvious that the only way to adaquately provide for my 4 children, was for me to get full custody. She is aggreeable to most of my terms, and claims she wont contest the divorce petition that she is served. Fantasy divorce is in play though. I love my kids, and I read the posts on the devistating consequences of mommy still being such a large presence in my home. My wife is a great mother, and I know she loves my boys. I also know, that this 3 weeks of her recovery she is not free and clear, and I can not trust that she wont return to her "Highschool" ways once she is in the appartment her self (moves out Monday) My aggreement was basically to let her come to my house in the morning when I go to work and help the boys get to school. She asked about family dinners. Again, I read the posts on the confusion this puts kids in. I know they need their mom as well though, and have no intention of taking them from her, once I know that she is truely a god seeking woman she had always been, and not the self pleasure seeker she became. She claims those days are over.

I guess the advice I seek, is what do I do? Seeing most posts, going dark is essential at this point. I think there is still love here, she is just, even if not seeing the man, emotionally still connected and unable to truely know if she loves me while still "In Fog Love". I want that option for remarriage if she truely wakes up. I want the kids to have that important part of their lives, my wife. I dont want to confuse them though either. Is there a middle ground? Am military, so its important we maintain some relationship, as she claims, and even told the kids, if I transfer, she will move to the new location with us (living in a seperate home of course). 2 homes support is going to be tough. I will be barely making ends meet. She on her vocation, will be even worse off. So many ties still in place even after divorce. I need to face that she may not truely love me, and moving on is impossible with all the hooks. At the same time, moving on, and leaving the option open for God to work a meriacle on my wifes heart is what I hope to achieve, though not sure how. Uggg....

Hi, Jim. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sounds like you have done a lot of soul searching, identifying what is best for the kids, for you, and even for WW. How old are your children? How they respond to divorce really depends on their age.

Sorry,

me, 39
Wife, 39
4 Boys, 8, 12, 15, 16
D Day, 31 May 2010
Actual Affair Began, Feb 2010
Mix and match hodge pog of MB principals, as I found this half way through. Lots of the things I was doing, were basically MB but alot was wrong of course initially. Did the entire, its all my fault thing, from the get go. Went through multiple, "I am in this" when ever I pushed divorce. This final one, I am confident is the real deal. We told the kids its the real deal.