A plan for a better marriage will give you hope. You need to establish new patterns in your marriage. Have you read the Basic Concepts?

You and your husbands need to know how to meet each other's needs and how to avoid hurting each other. You need to make a plan to spend 20+ hours a week with each other. You need to subscribe to a policy of Radical Honesty.

This type of life will make a BETTER marriage. ACTION will help. Actively try to find out his needs and meet them. Use the Emotional Needs Questionnaire to help you.

Gotta run but I will have more later....

I can't wait to hear more. 20+ hours a week...that sounds like heaven. Although completely impossible. He drives truck over the road, which triggered this whole nightmare to begin with. Yes....we already know he needs a career change. Welcome to 3 months of unemployment while he looked for a local job, and finally went back to trucking to put a roof over our heads. He's only home on weekends. We get maybe 4 hours a week when the kids aren't up? And at those times the TV is on. I'm panicking just looking at this....it's becoming more and more clear why we're in such a horrible place.

Well, they say the first step in solving a problem is realizing that you have one in the first place. So, at least you've taken that first step.

May I ask if your H has ever been unfaithful to you during your marriage?

Allie, I cannot emphasize the importance of your H finding another job. In order to fully recover, you need to be spending the nights together. Being away like this adds to the detachment and prevents you from creatnig a romantic relationship with him.

And I so agree with writer that the OM's recent contact led to your bad feelings. Good suggestions, writer!

Well at least you recognize the need for a career change. The solution to your problems is to build an AMAZING marriage. That will hinge on 4 pillars:

Meeting Emotional Needs
Avoiding Love Busters
Undivided Attention Time (15+ hours EVERY WEEK eventually, but for now shoot for 20-30 as you're trying to rebuild)
Radical Honesty

The basis of these pillars are discussed in the Basic Concepts and are discussed in depth in the books.

Once NC is established you need to sit down with your husband and fill out the Questionnaires linked at the top of this page and openly talk about your needs and wants without 'discussing' or 'negotiating' them. You need to create an atmosphere that encourages honesty - even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Then you gotta work your schedule to get in the required amount of time.

As you rebuild your marriage, as you take ACTIVE steps towards recovery, eventually the guilt will fade.

Hi there Allie,
I hear lot of hope in this relationship, you are hear communicating your feelings with us, do this with your husband, so you have problems that doesn't mean that your future has to stay like this.......work on changing everything about your marriage, this is your chance to get a happy and wonderful marriage.....
Open up slowly with your husband, make him feel safe so he can let go of what is bothering him and his insecurities......
Make sure the OM is totally out of the picture. Reassure your husband that he did nothing to make you decide to have an affair, tell him that was your decision and a bad one at that and that you regret making it.......
Tell him you loved him all along and just didn't know how to get back to him.....It would be great if he could find another job so the two of you can spend more time together.
You are getting lots of great advice so far, lots of marriages have been turned around for the better with the help from all the vets here.......
You seem to be thinking the right way and admitting your part and you seem willing to do the work, I say I see lots of hope for you and your husband to rebuild a great life........

How can you "survive" the guilt?

STOP focusing on your feelings.
Because, when you are doing that, all that "guilt", you are NOT being a good wife to your husband.

Stop feeling guilty by becoming a GREAT wife to your loving husband.

Self focus is what is killing your marriage today.

Well at least that problem is solved. If only I had realized 5 years ago what the problem was! I am amazed at how you can identify what is killing my marriage, without knowing a fraction of the details. You really should be a professional counselor. I feel SO much better after seeing in writing that I'm a self-absorbed, bad wife. I couldn't have possibly known that on my own.

Allie,

You NEED to get the book "Surviving an Affair". The guilt will dissipate as you make efforts to improve your marriage. Your FIRST step is to meet your husband's top 3 emotional needs. The more he feels the love you know you have for him, the more he will open up to you and follow your lead. YOU have to be the driver to repair your marriage.

This is going to be a long bumpy road. There is no "quick fix". Most of the time folks who come here can expect the first two years after D day to be challenging. But you CAN do this. There are so many success stories here, but recovering a marriage is not for the faint of heart. You will have to become a student and put into practice everything you learn here. And be sure to FOLLOW THE PROGRAM. Marriage Builders is not a "buffett". You cannot pick and choose what parts you want to utilize.

And I know you know this already, but your hubby MUST find a new job. You cannot meet his EN's and recover the marriage if he is not home. No excuses, just get creative and find the time.

I hope you come here often. This is a great place to get guidance and support. Encourage your hubby to post here to. It may make him feel more comfortable opening up to you and we can help give pointers to both parties. You CAN learn to communicate with eachother, it's just going to take practice.

aBetterMe

Try not be be defensive. The advice here is excellent, and while it may seem generalized or harsh at times, if you really look at what the poster is saying and apply it to the behavior they are bringing attention to, you'll better understand why they say the things they do. Pepper is a veteran and knows her stuff.

Please share more of your story so the advice can be geared more to your current status. And read other stories too. They will help you gain perspective.

Okay so there is some awesome stuff in here. THANKS from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have taken the time to reply and give your input. I have so much to think about and process right now. I went on Amazon and ordered Surviving An Affair...now I can't wait to read it.

I've spent so much time today reading different links that you all have left. My mind is spinning.

I don't know how to balance healthy guilt, and moving on. From time to time in the past 5 months I have felt like I was moving forward, but then my husband mentions that he feels like I just did what I did and act like nothing happened. That wasn't at all my intention....I was trying to be a happier person and build our marriage. It feels like the only time he believes that I'm truly sorry, is when he can physically see how torn up I am inside. It makes it very difficult to drop the intense guilt when I feel like he wants me to wear it like the scarlet letter....even though I know that isn't what he means.

Maybe this is a far shot, but are there any of you who have walked this road, that would be willing to email privately? There are details that I'm simply not going to share publicly. I don't want to say anything damaging about my husband but it is impossible to get a clear picture without seeing both sides. Just a thought. If any of you would be interested I'll give you my email address.

You have some awesome insight...thanks a bunch! It's funny that you mentioned ordering the book because I just ordered it a few hours ago!

As for the comment, I do see the value in it and it is entirely true. I'm not denying that one bit. It's just that very simply put, I am a person who is very deeply affected by how words are said. I am an emotional wreck right now and that comment seemed very insensitive and obvious, like something that would be said by someone who is just there to judge and who doesn't know what it's like to be already be beaten to a pulp by your own self. I know sometimes you gotta be kicked in the hiney....it's just today isn't a good day for that, for me.

Allie..I am on your side of the fence and completely understand the intense guilt you are feeling. I have been there and not a day goes by that I don't think about what has happened. I was the guy that was NEVER going to have an affair, and like you, I did. Fortunatley for you (and me) our spouses are standing by us with the same goals as we now have...a stronger marriage than ever before.

First things first..you have kids and a husband that really need you and want you around. So please, remove any suicidal thoughts from your mind and think of your family.

Do not define yourself by the affair. You know that you are a much better person than that and you can and will, once again, be that good and honest person you truly are.

Things will get better Allie, just hang in there and be the best wife and mother that you can be. Your family is depending on you.

Actually, Allie - I think you need to go back and reread Pep's post. You need to let it sink in.

Your focus is wholly on you and your own pain. That is guilt. It is dragging you down. Use that guilt and turn it to remorse - remorse puts the focus on your husband. On your husband's needs and desires. On your husband's safety.

We know you are selfish. You know you are selfish. Making a big stink and getting offended puts the spotlight on you - that isn't helpful.


This is going to take YEARS to overcome - think 2-5. 5 months is NOTHING. 5 months is barely enough time for the shock to wear off. When you act happy - it triggers him and makes him feel that you don't care. It isn't right or wrong - but it is how he feels.

Your focus needs to be less on you and your guilt, and more on him and his needs.

I doubt your husband wants to harm you - or punish you - but he is in A LOT of pain, pain he is only NOW beginning to realize the extent of.

You need to be compassionate and understanding.

Reread Pep's post.

It struck a nerve with you.

Find out why.

That self-introspection will be valuable to your recovery.


There are enough details, I'd say. Really the advice won't change much, with the exception of the case of abuse or drug addiction - if your husband is abusive or an addict you'll need to separate and deal with that. In the absence of those two cases the advice is simple and clear:

No Contact
Extraordinary Precautions
Openness and Honesty
A commitment to meet your husband's Needs and rebuild your marriage using MB

Allie,

It's okay and normal for your emotions to be all over the grid and that's why this site is here, to help you gain control over your feelings, gain perspective and develop a PLAN. Marriage Builders will not only teach you how to create romantic love in your relationship but lays out VERY easy to follow guidelines on how to get there. I can assure you that you cannot get anywhere else what you can get here with regard to support, education and continued guidance.

Neither my spouse or I have been involved in an affair but my coming here brought us back from the brink of no return. Like you, we just couldn't "get on the same communication page". Something drastic had to happen and I'm beyond grateful for everything I've learned here. I'd love to hear your story. I can understand being hesitant to share it here, but I can assure you you'd have nothing to be concerned about. I can send you a Private Message and share my email address with you, but I think you may have Private Messaging de-activated.

aBetterMe

PMs are deactivated site-wide

and


Let me echo what Vibrissa said (again - that seems to happen frequently, Vibrissa!) - if a post angers you so, please examine why. If you spent the day reading on the site, I hope you spent some time on the boards and realized that you just insulted one of the most veteran posters around here. A straight shooter if ever there was one, Pepperband has helped innumerable posters on here - wayward and betrayed alike - recover from infidelity. You would be wise to seek her counsel.

In the larger context, no one is here to coddle you through this. I think that would be enabling of many of the traits that got you where you are. I say none of this with any anger or malicious intent, but it would behoove you to honestly reflect on your feelings (e.g., anger at posts), approach recovery with humility, and learn learn learn.

Allie,

This is true too. Regardless of the circumstances, an affair is not an appropriate choice to make. But we are all capable (if willing) to learn from our mistakes. Lets talk PLAN. After what you've read and discussed today, what is the first step you'd like to take?

aBetterMe

Dangit. Any suggestions on exchanging emails?

T/J - it's just cuz I post quicker....sitting here refreshing the forums list - only evidence of my lack of life