not sure where to even begin. Ours started off built on real unconditional and true love. (1992)

And somewhere along the way I messed up first (1997-98)...he forgave me and life went on. then he messed up (1999-2000)

Then he messed up again (2003) and then i did (2006) and then for the last 4 years we've had three separations to figure things out and each time we've come back. We had just gotten back last April 2009 and just around Christmas 2009 I lost my mind and walked away with an old high school boyfriend. I moved out and had an emotional relationship with this person that was wrong on all levels from the beginning...it was emotional and not physical since he lives 8 hours away. i think i saw him 6 times in 8 months. Regardless I refused to listen to my inner voice, my husband, my family...i hurt and caused so much damage and left devastation and destruction everywhere...
when I first moved out in February 2010, he tried several times to get me to come back, but i doubted his true intentions and ignored his pleads (i had found his online dating profile in Feb 2010 and asked how serious he really wanted me back if he already had begun to want to meet people) he never did remove his profile until he met the OW.
I have to add that I kept telling him to get over it and move on...never once giving him hope that our marriage could ever be reconciled. Well things with my LD/OM were from the beginning not great. But I was infatuated with him regardless. I finally had enough and cut contact off with him at the end of August. I moved back home and asked my H to stay due to finances (our oldest started college this year) well its only been a few weeks. He told me there can't be any chance for reconciliation for us and that the "separation" still stands. He would continue to see OW and do whatever he wanted. I of course threw a fit about it and probably pushed him out the door with my antics. But since then, (2 weeks) I've been working on myself, praying, crying in private, treating him with patience, kindness and love, trying to forget OW exists. up until today...i made a comment on my nephews picture which she had "liked" telling her to take her comments off my family's and husband's pictures, this set him off and made all the steps I've made (we are at least sleeping in the same bed now) now seem like I am back to forcing my love on him.

Now that i'm going through this he tells me he understands but can't take me back and hopes that i can understand his reasons why. My only problem is WHY didn't he really try as i sit here and read your stories and lives i see the pain but you still kept trying regardless of what your spouse says to you...you don't give up hope....so today i called him the Quitter...he says that me telling him that hurts him.

I can't even explain this to him....I spoke in negatives during my absence and he basically listened to what i said vs ignoring my insanity and now that i am back it justifies him for now wanting to continue down the road to D. I'm sick to my stomach and don't know what to do to control my anger and hurt and frustration.

We usually tell betrayed spouses on this board to divorce their WSs if they are multiple offenders. What is this, your 4th affair now. He shouldn't try to save the marriage because you'll just do this again in another couple years. Sure, this does not excuse his behavior. He's in the wrong as well. Both of you are screwed up, dysfunctional people. Both of you should probably divorce and spend some time ALONE to fix yourselves, because until you do, you will just continue your dysfunctional behavior with someone else. I feel sorry for your kids.

However, you can't be pissed that your husband is no longer fighting for you after multiple affairs. Where do you get off? You made your bed. Now you need to lie in it.

Gee, that was harsh...but we both did this and stayed together.

However, I can honestly say that now I have to pick up the pieces of MY MESS and work on myself. Whether in the end we can somehow miraculously both be on the same page. That's all I can do.

I think more than anything I'm feeling emotional because he's still here, sleeping in the same bed, we do things as a family, call each other throughout the day.

NY, have you read the How TO Survive Infidelity articles? If he's still seeing this OW, then he's as unreachable as you were not so long ago. I hear you asking why isn't he trying harder, it's because he has a girl, "insanity" as you call it, right? Please take a look at the articles, and let me know what you think. If you want help fighting for your marriage, I suggest hit Notify and ask the mods to move your post to Surviving an Affair forum.

Best wishes to you and your family. Folks come back from this stuff all the time, how about giving it a shot?

mygirl, yes that was a little harsh. There have been others here that have had multiple A and were able to successfully recover their M.

It will not be easy but start by reading all of the articles on this website.

Hit the notify key and have your thread moved over to Surviving an Affair

You may want to change the title of your thread then.

Because I read this thread yesterday and needed to put myself in time out so that I wouldn't tell you what I thought right then.

You can only control your own behavior, and give him a reason to change his. But you don't get to choose his behavior.

The real question you should be asking yourself is why didn't you try harder - or figure out if this cheating back and forth you guys do to each other is an indication of how much/little you regard each other.

Read up on the principles here. Especially learn about Plan A and Plan B and pay a visit to the Newsletter section of the General Discussion Forums. There are three newsletters there that are particularly pertinent to you: When To Call It Quits Parts 1-3.

You'll find a plan there that you can use to find out if your marriage has any life left to it, and how to revive it if there is, and how to exit if there isn't.

Either way, you have work to do on yourself, as you say.

Good luck!

Couldn't the title easily be, "Why didn't I try harder?"

I can see why he "gave up."

Multiple affairs, and when he finally has enough of it, he quits and you blame him for quitting.

I'm in no way saying his affairs are acceptable. What I'm saying it is seems each of you will be better off without the other.

But why didn't he try? Let's see what you write.

"just around Christmas 2009 I lost my mind and walked away with an old high school boyfriend. I moved out"

"when I first moved out in February 2010, he tried several times to get me to come back, but i doubted his true intentions and ignored his pleads"

"I kept telling him to get over it and move on...never once giving him hope that our marriage could ever be reconciled"

So basically, you told him the marriage was over in your words and deeds and now you wonder why he's dating another woman and refuses to consider reconciliation?

Because you said in both word and deed that it was over and that you should just move on.

He did exactly what you suggested and now it's his fault that he has no hope?

There is no pleasing you.

He is wise to be rid of you.

You both have been incredibly selfish. Neither of you is marriage material. Both of you are serial adulterers.

Those are just the facts.

It's a bit offensive that despite all YOUR faults and all YOU'VE contributed to the destruction of your marriage, your post is all about HIM and HIS failures and a desire to change HIM.

That is your selfishness speaking.

You are sitting in the mess you created, and there is nothing you can do to MAKE your husband want to pick it up.

If you were serious about this, you'd have titled this thread "Why didn't I try harder".

It's time to pull on the big girl britches and work on YOURSELF and focus on YOUR failings as a wife.

This marriage MAY be salvageable, but only if you can get your husband on board. You will have to accept, however, that that may not happen and accept YOUR part of the blame for that (not that the blame is all yours, but you went halfway to destroying this marriage).

I would suggest that rather than focus on him and changing him, which is impossible, you learn and study and focus on changing YOU.

I'd first start with this idea.

Unconditional love is dangerous to marriage. Unconditional love is what CREATED this mess. Unconditional love enabled your mutual selfishness.

Unconditional love has no place in marriage. Love IS and SHOULD BE conditional, or else it invites the abuses you BOTH have perpetrated here.

Then I would consider WHY it is you find it justified to step out of your marriage and HURT the one person you have vowed to protect above all others. WHY is it and WHAT did you tell yourself it was ok to do these things? Then work to CHANGE those thoughts and behaviors, because they are self-destructive.

You CAN save your marriage, but you're gonna have to focus on YOU in order to do so.

Oh, and lose this idea that you 'messed up' and he 'messed up'. These weren't accidents. These weren't one time slip ups with unforeseen and unexpected consequences.

You BOTH made the decisions and the CHOICE to go outside your marriage to get your own needs met. It wasn't an accident, it was an active CHOICE. And once - could even be understandable as sometimes you can't see the consequences of a friendly relationship - but multiple times... You knew what you were doing, you CHOSE to do it.

Own up to that and accept the consequences of your choice.

This wasn't a 'mess up' this was ADULTERY. You are an ADULTERESS, your husband an ADULTERER. Admitting and accepting that truth will be the first step in overcoming who you have become to become someone better.

I have no choice left but to agree with each and everyone of you.
I did what I did, I made this mess in this marriage by being and adultress. I HAVE to have hope that it can only be restored if I do some serious work not on my husband but on myself.

After talking to pastoral counselor, praying and finally coming to the realization that I destroyed my marriage and the only way to ever restore it is by facing my consequences that I could very well have lost it.

It's True, I have been extremely selfish, and I can only blame myself. What's done is done and part of who I am and I need to make it part of who i WAS. I do need to work on this big time, it will be a long process that will take time. My mentality of Instant gratification needs to change it's what got me to this point in the first place. I am ready to roll up my sleeves up and do some serious work on myself whether it gets my marriage back or not something good has to come from all this.

I'm not sure how to "EDIT" the title of the post. I really should because I do see that now it should be "Why did't I try harder"

Nygirl - there are a TON of resources here for you that can help you become a better wife. Please read all you can get your hands on.

First I would encourage you to look into Extraordinary Precautions. You can do a search to pull up info. I'll see if I can find you some links.

nygirl - I think you'll need to ask the moderators to change it for you.

Please order/buy the book "Surviving An Affair" and read EVERYTHING on this site and read other threads. If you want to change your marriage, you're going to have to drive it. Regardless of the mistakes your WH has made, he's not on board with saving this relationship (yet) and that leaves you and only you to start the process. I know you "know" this will "take time". Be prepared for YEARS of work, especially with how many incidents you've had throughout your marriage.

And PLEASE, LISTEN to the vets here. The MB plan CAN work if you follow the steps. No picking and choosing what you like and don't like. And drop your defenses. If something hit you upside the head with a 2x4, pay attention to what they're saying and don't make excuses.

aBetterMe

Steps to Recover from an Affair

4 Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

Some reading to get you started.