You know what I say when people ask me how long I have been with my husband? I say...


"I have been with my best friend for 7 years now."

Because wheels is truly my best friend, we even had a discussion the other day how excited we are when he retires so we can spend time together, we have soo much fun together! We NEVER get bored! IDK I see other couples who are retired and they don't do ANYTHING together, it's weird, but wheels and I are EXCITED! And its not even going to happen for another 30 years!



I would definitely get prepared for plan B, being prepared is the best thing to do right now.

I have told him that I want to be his best friend and have even tried to be his friend.

Did you talk to him about NC? What did he say?

What is your UA time like? Are you regularly hitting your 15 hours together weekly? What do you do during this time? Are you meeting the 4 intimate ENs: Recreational Companionship, Sexual Fulfillment, Affection and Conversation?

Does he consider you a friend? Does he confide in you? What does he look for in a friend? Will he let you do those things for him?

I guess where I'm going with this is - somehow, this woman friend of his is providing something to him that he feels he needs - she's a confidant, or they have a history, or he feels he can really relax with her. There is something she is providing that he doesn't want to give up. How can you make it so that YOU provide this for him instead of her?

He will be reluctant to lose her for two reasons: she provides something he needs, and he provides something for her that he thinks she needs (similarly, he doesn't want to 'hurt' her by ending the friendship).

If you can provide him with what she is providing him now - that eliminates one of the roadblocks in removing this relationship. For the second - he has to realize that he wants to hurt you less than he wants to hurt her. Your honesty about how this relationship hurts you can go a long way to this.

Now a couple of thoughts:


Things have changed in the course of your marriage. He has demonstrated he is a man who doesn't understand appropriate boundaries in marriage - or he wouldn't have had his first affair. Thus - his judgement as to what is an appropriate level of friendship with a member of the opposite sex is forfeit. Anyone with an appropriate understanding of how to make a marriage successful would recognize that a friend of 20 years poses a SIGNIFICANT threat for someone who has demonstrated poor boundaries.

She is MORE dangerous because he REFUSES to see the danger. He can tell himself "It's ok to tell OW I love you - because I love her like a sister" "It's ok to text and see how her day is going because I care about her" "It's ok to tell her my wife and I are having problems, she cares about me and gives good advice."

And before you know it you're in love with someone not your wife.

It's like the drunk who has gotten busted driving too many times and needs a breathalizer to start his car. He has proven he can't protect his marriage - like a drunk doesn't get to determine how 'drunk' is too 'drunk' to drive - and he doesn't get to be the one to determine which relationships with women are ok or not. The fact that he's worried about the breathalizer (removing all threats to his marriage including OW) as opposed to the damage he can cause by 'driving drunk' (the destruction of his marriage through another affair) makes him dangerous.


It is not for him to determine if you feel disrespected or not. If you feel disrespected that is enough. I sincerely doubt she isn't intending to be disrespectful on purpose - she has TOLD you that your feelings aren't important enough for her to stop hurting you and your marriage.

Your husband says she is a good friend. Ask him if she were such a good friend to him, and cared for him so much would she want to help his marriage or hurt his marriage?

Because she has already stated she wont stop hurting your marriage. She is going to do what is best for HER at the expense of your marriage. Is that the behavior of a true friend?

We didn't get a chance to talk again last night. He came home with his back killing him last night. It has been my experience that it is best not to talk to him when he is hurting because he has a hard time controllling his temper.

I have family in for the next few days so it may be this weekend before we can talk again.

Wounded, if she cared about him, she would stop interfering with his marriage. She does not care about him.

The plan B letter should be given AFTER you have separated. The PBL states you will not have contact with him until he ends all contact for life. If you hand him the letter BEFORE you separate then you can't very well uphold Plan B becuase you will still be together.

We are spending at the least 2 hours a day UA and then on one of his off days we take day trips together. This week I have slipped on the SF EN which will be corrected asap.


He has started calling me his best friend and her, his friend. He started doing that after I told him that it hurt my feeling when he called her his best friend. As far as what he wants in a friend he just says that a friend is someone you can call anytime you need them and they are there. His example is that if he was stuck on the side of the road at 3am, a friend is someone you could call and they would come get you. I would do that.


If I knew what it is she provides I would do whatever it was. I think it is just because they have a history together. Her kids even call him Uncle. Is this a question I should ask him? I have been telling him that their relationship hurts me. I have told him that I feel like she has priority over me. I gave him the example of me being home, running a fever and sick as a dog. I asked him stop and get me some Gatorade on his way home because there was nothing here to drink. He said he would. Well, on his way home he stopped by her house and stayed for 3 hours. I called him twice and he kept saying he was leaving. Her kids were home so they weren�t alone. I have told him that actions like this really hurt my feelings. I told him before I requested NC that it hurt my feeling not being included in their friendship.



This is exactly what I have been trying to explain to him. The problem here is that he doesn�t see where the affair has anything to do with his friend. According to him �You put her in the middle of all of this.� I am really at my wits end trying to explain to him that his A has affected all aspects of our life.


Again this is something that I have told him but he keeps telling me that the only reason I feel that way is because I don�t know her like he does.

This is exactly what I have told him. I told him that she is not only disrespecting me but she is disrespecting him as well.



Thanks for sitting me straight. So after I go Plan B then I mail him the Plan B Letter, right?

Yes. Mail the letter after you have separated so you are in a position to go dark. You got it!

So do I let him know I am moving out or him come home one day to find I have moved out?

I have friends whose kids call me "Aunt JT". They also call my FXH "Uncle". I've had these friends since before I met my FXH and they are also are part of HIS life as well. There is no separation.

BTW-my high school best friend was a guy. My kids call him "Uncle E." They call his partner "Uncle S" and...my FXH is part of my friendship with both of them too.

I have a male friend who has a male partner too. We have know each other since 5th grade. I include FWH in our friendship and I do not spend time alone with my male friend (even thought he is no threat). FWH and his best friend have not included me in their friendship. If they would have then we wouldn't be having this problem.

Finished our talk this afternoon. He got pretty upset but has agreed to never contact her again. I am still working on getting him to send her a NC letter.

In our discussion tonight he kept saying that he doesn't understand because she isn't the one he had the A with and she has been his friend for 20 years. Oh, and "this is all because she is female if she was male there wouldn't be a problem with us being friends."

I told him that it hurts my feeling when he defends her contacting him by saying she is doing it because she cares about him. I told him that when he says things like that, it makes me feel like he is protecting her not his wife.

Couple of questions:

How do I handle his anger from agreeing to NC with her?

Do I continue preparing for Plan B until he sends the NC Letter?

If he does not write a NC letter by a certain date (pick on) then go to plan B

Thank you Sapphire.

You know, it's astounding the number of WH who insist there is no difference between a male and a female. They just have NO idea what you're talking about if you try to say there is.

This is a 100% wayward attitude and he's still copping it. I agree with Sapphire - NC letter by a certain date, or Plan B for you. Don't play his games. He'll only drive you crazy with them.

Actually if she was a male there would be a whole new set of problems here.

With everything else that has been going on I dont' even want to think about that set of problems. lol

When he agreed to go NC for life with his friend, he told me he never wanted to hear her name again. How do I approach him writting the NC Letter without causing more anger?

He has been acting depressed. What other behaviors can I expect?

You can mention the NC letter without saying her name.

The reason why he is depressed is because you took his drug away from him.

Just remember to have your plan B letter out when he does not write the NC letter.