I don't want to be manipulative. I have actually threatened to do extreme things before and it's made things worse. He doesn't want to be threatened to come come back to me. Nor do I want to threaten him to come back to me. I want him to choose to do so on his own.

I asked him to call me when he got a moment. He was still at work and was going to help a friend after work. So he may be busy right now.

I wrote down what I want to say so I don't forget. I'm going to tell him that I am hurt and that I was hoping to spend some time with him and that we hadn't been able to spend anytime together. But that I didn't want to force him or manipulate him into coming home to be with me.

Snooping and exposure is not manipulative. It is telling the truth. It is honesty.

Very few waywards have the strength to end their affairs on their own. Usually, when it does happen, the fear of destroying a family is what sparks the confession.

Your husband has a great life right now - a single, bachelor's life with a wife for whenever he feels like 'playing' family. He will not chose to end that. Instead he will keep you on a line, feeding you just enough slack to keep you from leaving.

He will probably NOT do the right thing and chose you.

Snooping and Exposure give you a chance to recover this marriage. But a slim chance at best.

I can tell you that the recovered Former Wayward spouses here who were exposed are GLAD they were exposed though they were pissed at the time.

Really - the more and more I come to this thread, the more and more I think you just need to end this.

You don't threaten. You say and you do.

Frankly, I think you should go ahead and file. No kids, short marriage, H who won't put you on his priority list or even come home (!!!)...you don't threaten to divorce him if he doesn't pay attention...you divorce him.

What you are doing right now is going to get you more of the same. He comes home and stays home or the locks get changed and you go back to Ms Maiden Name. No threat. Just say. Then do.

You are worth more than this. I wish you believed this.

Yes.

If you wont do the 'extreme measures' to save this marriage, then you must act to end this limbo.

And this - this isn't manipulation. This is growing a spine.

Okay. So I didn't want to say this before because I knew everyone would jump to conclusions but here it goes. Background first.

This is not the problem in our marriage but it's what brought everything to head. I totally and completely trust my husband and always have. But about six months ago we made a new friend in our circle. A woman. She was nice and I kinda liked her and she got along really well with my husband. They have similar personalities. Itbothered me and my husband knew it did and even offered to not be friends with her but I said it was okay because I thought I could deal with it. Bad idea bc I couldn't. And by the time I decided I didn't want him to hang out with her things had gotten really bad between us. It has nothing to do with her but it exaggerated things.

The problem is and always has been that I was trying to make him something he is not. Or rather someone he was not ready for yet maybe. I have assured him I don't want him to change who he is. I married him knowing who he was. But somewhere along the way we stopped meeting each others emotional needs and things just went downhill. Then when she came around and he seemed to enjoy spending time with her it made me jealous which made me be more controlling and clingy which he didn't like and it wasn't who I was or wanted to be either.

So then he stops being home and sometimes was not home at night. I know he was staying at another friends house. But I also know that he on occasion stayed at this womans house. Slept on the couch. I know thus for sure. Well as things got worse and the distance between us got greater and my thoughts started to move toward affair I began to look at the facts. And from an outsider and I'm sure you all think this he is sleeping with her.

Well I wasn't the smartest and without knowing for sure kinda hinted to him that I thought maybe there was something going on. I didn't ask straight up but he knew what I was hinting and denied.

A few days and thing were getting worse. He said he was going to find another place to live. He didn't want to stay at the house and he was tired of living out of his car and sleeping on couches. I somewhat agreed. I wasn't happy about it but I've done a lot of reading and sometimes a separation can be beneficial to repairing a marriage. So I said we needed to talk about logistics of the separation. He agreed to meeting me for lunch. We talked about financial and that we would continue to communicate and spend some time together and he agreed to do these things. Not that i was happy but the idea of the separation as a way to repair our marriage was growing on me. And I saw some positives in it.

Then we were sitting in the car after lunch and he gave me the tickets to the game we were supposed to go to. He said I could use them if I wanted. I was stupidly holding out hope he would go with me and asked him to. He said no. He was still going but he would find other tickets and would transfer the hotel reservation to my name if I so wished. I declined and said I didn't want to go without him and he should just use the tickets instead of wasting more money on more hotels and tickets. He knows I wanted to go and I didn't want to give up my chance to go but I really only wanted to go with him. I asked him what his plans were he said he was going alone but he was going to meet up with some friends and then maybe... Her of course. I knew this was a possibility but hadn't really thought about it. He agreed to meet for lunch again after this weekend.

Later I was thinking about our conversation and sent him an email. I asked if he would reflect and write down what he wants in the separation. I read that it is important to set these things up if you are hoping to use the separation as a rebuilding tool. And I asked straight up if he was spending the weekend with her. He was mad. He said our issues have nothing to do with her and I should trust him. And that the weekend is not going to be spent with her. I said okay I just needed the truth. And I believe him. He basically said because I asked him that there was no hope and he wasn't going to answer my other question and we might as well sell the house and find permanent living situations apart. We left it at that and I asked to talk to him later he agreed.

Later he called and asked if I had sent a couple friend of ours to confront him. I hadn't sent her and I told him so. I don't think he totally believed me but he said he did. Apparantly she confronted him in front of other people who have no idea there is anything going on with us. And we have pretty much kept it to ourselves haven't told many people. I think she was kinda nasty to him. When he called he had left and was driving aimlessly. I told him he could come home and I promised I would not speak to him If he wished. I said I wasn't happy about it either. I want happy with her confronting him in public like that and I know my husband will likely be mad at her husband who is a very good friend of his. He wouldn't tell me exactly what she said and hasn't come home but I don't know what to think or where to go from here.

Any adivce on separation? And dint tell me he's having an affair. I know it's a possibility I don't need to hear it again. I trust him and It is not the problem.

Sorry for the long post.

Would you please go read some stories on SAA?


YES.

I'll go take a look at SAA.

Do people really make their marriage better with a separation? Can it happen or will it just drive us apart.

No, not really.

Separation is divorce practice.

Too little time together has CREATED this problem, more time apart will make it WORSE.

I would advise you to NOT separate.

I would advise you to snoop because he is in an affair:


Sorry, but this has GUILTY written all over it. He is your husband, he doesn't get to keep secrets from you.

Seriously - go post in the Surviving an Affair forum if you want the slightest chance of saving this marriage. Going it on your own is making this WORSE.

Marriages are made WORSE by a separation. You can't fix the marriage if you are not there. Separation only increases the risk of divorce.

The problem is that your husband is having an affair, Whattodo, and until you face it, this ship is going nowhere. You can't save your marriage until you address that first. I can see you don't want to believe that so I would suggest that you hire a PI and get the proof.

But I assure you that your husband is having an affair and your "trust" is misplaced.

Until you accept this and take steps to KILL the affair, your marriage situation is hopeless. Sweeping this under the rug and pretending it is not happening only serves to ENABLE the affair. Every day you allow this to go on, his affair gets more and more entrenched.

p.s. I would click on "notify" and ask the mods to move this to Surviving an Affair.

Do you really want to save your marriage, whattodo? There are no guarantees, but we can tell you the best way to make that happen.

Kill the affair. Unless the affair is ended, your marriage is done. The most effective way to kill the affair is to a) get evidence and b) expose the hell out of the affair to everyone. And I do mean everyone.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing will be ruinous to the affair.

Keeping the affair a secret only serves to FUEL it at the expense of your marriage. While no guarantee, exposure has ruined many affairs. Here is a thread with a radio link where Dr Harley discusses the value of exposure here

Problem is if this isn't an affair, and I have reason to believe it is not, I will ruin everything. He told me he is trying to decide if he wants to change for me. He is convinced that I want him to be someone he is not. Which is not the case. Yes I someday hope for him to be a father but I'm not asking him that now. I made that clear to him. He said he needed time to think about it.

I guess I need to find out for sure if it is an affair but I am out of options. I have considered going to her and asking her. There is no evidence that it is an affair. He's not texting or calling her excessively or hardly at all.

I Do want to save this marriage. And I agree if it is an affair it needs to be exposed. But I don't know if it is.

Yes - you DO want him to be someone he is not.

You want him to be and act like a husband.

That requires certain things: a willingness to live interdependently, a willingness to meet your needs, a willingness to share his life with you, a willingness to COME HOME AT NIGHT for crying out loud.

You are so terrified of actually expecting him to act like what he has committed to be (your husband) that you have enabled him to be nothing more than a glorified boyfriend.

Right now - he isn't acting like a husband. He may have been in the past, when things were good - but look: things got a little bad and he's acting like a single kid.

Who he is right now is NOT someone you should be married to or planning a family with.

You DO need to find out if there is an affair (I am certain there is) and you need to end it. You're wasting your time asking her. Why on EARTH would she tell you the truth?

You keep expecting people who are acting suspicious to be trustworthy.

Trust is earned, it is fragile and easily destroyed. You don't give trust out of love, you give it because someone is proven trustworthy and you remove it when someone is not trustworthy. Your husband is entitled to your love and care, but not your trust.

Hire a PI. Find out for SURE.

What, no you won't ruin anything if this isn't an affair. Because you wont' confront unless you have evidence. That has to be your first step. Get the goods and then we will help you with next steps.

He is having an affair. I am not guessing; I am telling you. So please get the goods and do not let onto him or his lover that you suspect. Get the goods and we can help you save this marriage.


This is just wayward fogbabble designed to keep you distracted from the real problem. This means nothing.

Your husband is already acting in an untrustworthy manner. Nothing YOU do can make that any worse than it already is.

What you can do is let him know you will not tolerate a marriage where he carries on or insists on having an environment where he could carry on.

Either way, you will make things better for you, not worse. Follow the advice these folks are giving you. They will give you your best possible shot to turn this situation around.

Ok any advice on snooping. My husband is very smart. It won't be hard for him to find out if I am snooping. I don't have access to his email or anything. Only phone records. I know where she lives.

I have already confronted him about it. This morning he asked me why I was so hung up on "things that are not the issue" I just replied I didn't know than said I needed to know the truth.

I think he is confused.

Should I talk to his friends? He says none of them know we are having issues. Well except the woman go confronted him last night. Her husband found out somehow and my husband had told me he thought I had said something to them. I haven't. He doesn't know how they found out. I was thinking of talking to her if he found out without anyone telling her maybe she has some insight.

A little lost here I don't like snooping one bit.

I'd talk to the friend and her husband. Also get a Voice Activated Recorder and hide it in his car. Hire a PI to follow him when he goes out.

I printed a wedding picture of us. I've been carrying it around in my car with plans to leave it taped to her door. I know I shouldn't but it might make her remember he is married.

You don't understand how a wayward thinks, which explains your confusion. See, what a wayward wants is BOTH the spouse and the lover. That is exactly what he is doing. The perfect set up for him is to have his needs met in both places and keep you hanging on by throwing you the occasional crumb. And yes, they all put on a good show.

We aer quick to jump to affairs only when there IS ONE. And we are almost always right. Keep in mind you are the least objective person on this thread. We can objectively see that this is an affair.

Anyway, there is a real easy way to find out: hire a PI!

Snooping is a good thing in that it can help you save your marriage when your spouse is withholding the truth. Snooping is a VIRTUE.