I'm just looking for ideas on things I can do when feeling down. My wife and I are in the recovery process (through the MB online program) and I'm being patient and allowing the process to work (dang, but I want everything better NOW! ). I'm just fishing for ideas on what you do that works to give you a little emotional relief. Useful personal affirmations? Good books? Chocolate? Etc?

Also, it'd be great to hear some of the "whys" of staying together. I think it would nice to compile a list to put into my blackberry to remind me (as one of the things to do to encourage myself when I'm feeling down).

I think something like this would help me to stay on track during days that I'm down (and other days too).

Thanks!

Good question. Here are three things I do to ward off "the black dog" as Winston Churchill called it:


I think you should do all three things. Certainly you need to do one or more. Unless you want to keep feeling blue, that is, which I doubt you do.

God bless,


--------------------------

Me: BH, 39 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

It'll get better Roy...I promise. Just keep dating your wife and allowing the process to work. You are the lighthouse leading her out of the fog. It will take months for things to really click for her and years for BOTH of you to totally get "recovered". Respect the process.

Here's a tidbit I posted a long time ago that you may already have read from Longhorn's Notable posts, but nonetheless:

***KEEP YOUR FORK!***
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There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
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She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
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Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
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There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the Pastor's reply. "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
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The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor. The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
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In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!
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So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?" Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork...the best is yet to come."
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The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death.. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
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At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.
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During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
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He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.
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Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep their fork."
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Cherish the time you have and the memories you share ... being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.
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And from me to you, keep your fork...



A recovered marriage is a beautiful thing and a noble endeavor. It's a second chance at creating once and for all what you had originally intended (but didn't know how) for it to be.

Prayers to you and your wife,

Mr. W

I definitely believe exercise is important but I haven't been motivated at all to do it (I actually ran over 170 miles in May but gradually just stopped running since then, DDay#2 was in May). I have started getting out to run with my DD16. She had been injured but has been easing back into it and is ready to run with me again. I don't really need extra motivation to go out running with her.

I actually just loaded up a Bible app on my blackberry earlier this week. Definitely a good idea there too.

Neat fork story, I'll remember that one!

Hi Roy, I can give you some "whys" of the effect of D versus staying together.

The impact on your family. No more family traditions, your whole family gathered together at holidays, the silly insider jokes that you shared with your wife.

Why stay together? Doesn't matter if your children are 1 or 50 it impacts them for life. It pulls the security blanket right out from under them. Sure they will eventually "get over it" but why do they have to? I saw the confusion and hurt in my DDs and the fog that their father tried to spin around about still being one happy family. It does not happen, that is in films or fiction.

Why stay together? Because divorce sucks. It devastates every aspect of your life. Everything that you worked for with your partner is blown apart. Years that you worked together for a common goal, financial stability and future retirement go up in a puff of smoke.

Marriage is hard, it is h*ll when the WS wounds you to your core. You ask yourself many days why do I want to keep my M alive especially when the WS is in the fog.

Because if you could learn to have a terrific M it will all be worth it in the end. There are so many stories on MB of M that I wouldn't have taken a bet that it would be restored and now the WS did a complete turnaround.

I am one of those MBers that is working on personal recovery because of the D and live with it every day.

Dont' give up.

~Exercise is fantastic for an immediate mood boost ~ cardio, weight lifting, whatever you enjoy that gives you that psychological boost.

~Chocolate is good too ~ extra dark for me, thankyouverymuch.

Here are some "why" reasons:

~Your kids (if you have them)

~because IF you follow the MB plan for recovery, you will have a better marriage one day...I promise because I am living it.[b][/b]

What you could do? Exercise is GREAT. Also, I used to listen to really LOUD music. I would sit in the car, blare the music and sing(or scream depending on what I was listening to) until my voice was gone. You could dance around too. That would be a workout in itself(but not while you are driving). Post here and get a boost when you are down. Read through other people's threads, especially those on the recovery forums and ones of people who have recovered their own marriages. You may find some useful posts that you can relate to.

The reasons why I am attempting to save my marriage(dealing with a current Affair) are of course my children and the love I have for my Dear Husband(the one the wayward one replaced). I truly believe that IF my WH were to get on board with MB, we COULD get through this and realize a BETTER marriage.

I am glad that you are taking the online course, I have heard only great things about it. Understand that this will also take TIME. I don't know where you are in your recovery, but it has been thrown out MANY MANY times that about 6 months in, BS get to a very angry stage. Could this be what is going on with you?

ETA, I FORGOT THEE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Laugh. LAUGH LAUGH. Watch funny movies. Read funny things on the internet. Have you heard about Sleep Talking Man? Here is a link. http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

When my thoughts start into that obsessive circle "how could he? What do I do now? it hurts so much!", and it feels like a whirlpool leading down to despair, I sing one of the hymns from my childhood. Just that couple of minutes is enough usually to break the cycle and let me take a deep breath and move forward. The song? Jesus Loves Me. It reminds me that I am worthy of love.

Jesus loves me! this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

And WHY I stick with the marriage:

Because dang it, I'm not going to let the last 33 years of my life have been wasted! Somewhere beneath all this horse s--t, there's got to be a pony!

I agree with Scotland, I used to drive in my car and scream to release all the pent up emotions, I cried till I couldn't cry anymore.....
Shopping, buying something new helps.....
Laugh till you cry........
Dancing.......
Holding hands helped a lot.......hugs...........
I know it's tough, the vets tell me it gets better over time......I'm counting the days myself.........

Thanks all for the ideas! This isn't really new to me. DDay#1 for me was 5/2/2001, WW was resistant to putting in any work back although she did cut off contact with OM at that time (I did buy HNHN back then, didn't know about SAA). OM found her on facebook in april this year and for 3 weeks they texted, did whatever it is you do on facebook, and did a little bit of talking on the phone before his wife found out (she had his phone and she received my wife's text).

This is the first time I've been going through a real recovery and I do have real hope. I have relived so much of the same pain as from 9 years ago. I guess it's easier this time (well, I haven't been suicidal at all this time) but hurt is still hurt.

We have two girls, 14 and 16. I suppose this 'wake up call' is kind of a good thing as I had been thinking of separating when both kids were out of high school. During the past 9 years I've had lingering thoughts about the A. I wonder if those will lessen or fade away after recovery...

Anyway, I will definitely apply these ideas. Oh, I do have lots of up times too, not just down times.

Thanks!

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)


Also see the managing memories thread linked in my sig line...

Thanks Mark! I actually had the managing memories post bookmarked but haven't been applying what I read. I will read it again now.

Roy,

I stare at the pool and contemplate how the pattern of the waves that are made by the wind on the water are so similar to the pattern made by the wind on the sand at the beach. I consider that the erosion of the rocks in the desert have this same wave pattern, and how the sound of the wind when scientifically graphed has a wave pattern.

How magnificent this world is, how these waves all connect somehow, and how how these waves ebb and flow. How the waves of the ocean rise and fall, the winds rise and fall, and so do my emotions. That I know that while at that moment I feel down, that the rise for "up" shall also come, that I can ride the next wave........

Or I can choose to make a wave of my own........


And share praise in the glory of the connectedness I have with this world, all from the smallness of my own backyard pool and a simple cool breeze.

Therein lies the beauty of the world, I regroup, thank my God, and know that He is in control.


If anything can take me back "up", it is to reconnect to my very smallness in the world, to know that my truly little problems when compared with the vastness of this universe, well, I give myself a true dose of reality and get myself back to work.


SB

Roy, can you tell us your story? It might help us give you direction. When did the A occur? When was D-Day? Has there been NC?

Hiking usually does it for me.