My Best friend just miscarried. In the past 7 years she has had 4 miscarriages 1 stillbirth at 34 weeks and one healthy baby who is now three. I feel so bad for her as all she has ever wanted was a big family. She is a sweet wonderful person who as endured so much. She has no support from her H. He is a very bitter depressed person. He was this way long before she married him and even though many tried to open her eyes to this she did not see it.
When it doesn't snow in the winter he will go for days without talking because God is punishing him and not making it snow so he can snowmobile. When they lost the baby he blamed her and told her she must have done something wrong. The list goes on and on.

She has tried to get him to deal with his depression. He took prozac for awhile and it really helped but then he quit taking it and he is worse now then he was before. The man has it all, a nice home, a beautiful wife, a beautiful, son ,a great job money in the bank but he continues this God is punishing him all of the time. She is so distraught over this. I think she walks on pins and needles everyday. When she called me to tell me she lost the baby she told me that H is away on a snowmobiling trip and she didn't want to tell him until he got back because why ruin his trip. I asked her if she felt it was fair for her to have to deal with this burden alone. She said it was better then the alternative. What do I tell her? I don't want her living in misery and fear for the rest of her life. I mean her H used to say he might as well just shoot himself ect if the car broke down. He would never physically hurt her and he is a good dad to the little boy. It is this morbid feeling sorry forhimself that has totally gotten out of hand. I know I am rambling here but I am just at a loss. How can I help her? How do I make her see that she can't make him better.

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: jillybean36 ]</small>

jilly,

How horrid this must be for her! Just be there for her because there is really nothing you can do to "make" her "see". Is she involved with her church? The pastor/priest would be a good resource for her to cultivate and find some help or intervention for her husband. But listening to this story....leads me to believe that many many people have tried to help her see the destructiveness of this relationship and she hasn't listened to anyone. That begs the question.....why does she do it? It takes courage to effect change...a willingness to take risks and the self esteem to know you deserve more. If she isn't in individual counseling...she belongs there!!!! She can't change her spouse...but she can certainly fight her own demons. I will keep her in my prayers.

Your friend is being abused. Could be why her body, under such stress from the husband, miscarried.

She needs to be confronted directly again and again until she actually sees what he is doing to her mentally and emotionally and what stress he is putting her under.

She is in denial about his behavior. If I were her, I would NOT try for any more children until they have their marriage problems worked out. Unfortunatly as her friend, you will have to be the one to confront her on this or she will continue on in her same old way.

She is in la la land right now. Dreamworld.

She is used to his abuse and puts up with it. Now she is afraid of him on top of everything. You don't know, there could be physical abuse too in this situation that she will not tell you about.

jilly,

Just remember that your friend cannot change anyone except herself. And you cannot change your friend. You can be there to offer support and to attempt to guide your friend to the information that she will need to assist in changing herself, such as this web site. Teach your friend about Love Busters so she does not use them. Help your friend find information about depression.

Jilly,

I'm so sorry your friend is struggling through this--I know how painful it is to go through a miscarriage--and the loss that is felt--

I'm saddened that her H is blaming God--and not turning to Him--for comfort and peace--(as I know it is in Him we find these things)

I'm not at all sure where your faith is at this point--but if she's a christian--let her know God has not abandoned her--that He loves her--and that He is not punishing her for anything--and that even when her husband isn't there for her (as we think he should be) God want's to be--

Encourage her to read Isaiah Chapter 54--yes, it might make her cry--as it did me when I first read it--but the tears brought comfort and peace to my heart as I read those verses--

My prayers are with them both--