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Had an affair and child by affair. Confessed all 5 weeks ago.
Want to save marriage and am looking at marriage builders and other advice sites. I'm taking all the anger, hurt & abuse as there are no excuses for my actions. I am trying not to fight with him and blame him for my actions as I need to be responsible for them. He has been to one therapy session (2nd this week) to talk about his feelings but at the moment he said he is not interested in marriage therapy (although he does want to stay with me - mostly - emotional rollercoaster) until he feels better again and that he does not accept that he had any part in driving me to the affair. He won't look at this site or others.
I'm not sure if I should just keep tiptoeing around him or what to do really. Selfishly I'm worried that he will eventually "feel better" and we will continue our relationship but none of the issues I have will ever be resolved.
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until he feels better again and that he does not accept that he had any part in driving me to the affair. He won't look at this site or others. Hi deepsigh, welcome to Marriage Builders. Will your husband come here and speak to us? It sounds like he has a healthy understanding that he is not responsible for your affair in any way so that is a good start. It will take a lot of work on your part to earn his forgiveness. Doing so will help ensure that your marriage recovers. What about your OM? Does he know you have his child and has all contact ended with him? I would refer you to some key articles/videos and books to get you off on a good start. How to Survive Infidelity Cant We Just Forgive and Forget? Surviving an Affair Selfishly I'm worried that he will eventually "feel better" and we will continue our relationship but none of the issues I have will ever be resolved. I would hope that your top "issue" right now is rendering aide to your victim. Your husbnad has just been delivered the cruelest blow a husband can recieve. You will have to help him recover from the cruel thing you have done to him. I take it he was tricked into believing this child was his for some time? How did that all play out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks I am reading all the articles and trying to get an understanding of the best way to move forward.
The child involved is 8mths old, the OM knows about the child but is not interested in being in her life as he as is own issues re building his marriage and dealing with his pregnant wife. There is no contact with him by me.
My H is hell bent on revenge and sends him texts re "can't believe you've cast aside your child", "thanks for ruining my marriage" etc. He wants to get the guy (who was his good friend) to suffer financially from this as well.
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You say: I'm taking all the anger, hurt & abuse as there are no excuses for my actions. and he does not accept that he had any part in driving me to the affair. Which are inconsistent. If you are interested in really saving your marriage, and earning back your husband's trust, stick with the first quoted statement, and eliminate anything from your life that looks like the second. They are mutually exclusive. You cannot say there are no excuses for your actions then say he drove you to the affair. If you are trying to win back his love and trust, the second cannot even be part of your vocabulary. It cannot be part of your thought processes. If you want to win back your husband, then you cannot even remotely blame him for your choices. I'm not saying you were not fulfilled, happy, whatever you want to describe your pre-affair state. You were not likely happy. However, that is NO EXCUSE, as you suggest for having an affair. Trying to tell us he drove you to an affair contradicts your acceptance of blame and responsibility. You have to win back his trust before you even have the standing to negotiate for him to better meet your needs. Your needs are legitimate, but you've taken a very illegitimate step in trying to get them met. You've abused your husband and that must be healed before you can even think about negotiating for him to better meet your needs. Read the plans here, and work them. He may or may not want to join in. Certainly he will not want to join in something that has any appearance of blaming him for your abusive behavior. If you want him to join, then it has to look like a good deal for him. Accepting blame for your choice to have an affair is unlikely to look like a good deal and will kill any chance of him engaging in MB'ing with you.
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I am glad you have come to some level of repentance, but you have to be 100 percent honest about everything. He (your bh) did NOT drive you to cheat, you made the conscious decision to commit adultery.
Nobody grabs you, twists your arm until you say "uncle" until you agree to cheat. You obviously had a relationship with this guy, and for some reason, the desire was greater to risk your marriage rather than address any possible situation you and your husband face daily, like millions upon millions of married couples do each day.
He is angry right now. He is in disbelief. Most likely suffering from grief and despair too. He does need to see that counselor and needs to decide himself how he will forge ahead from this situation.
You need to show him a totally repentant spirit. First you must get real about what you did, how it now impacts a precious little loving child, unaware of the chaos that little life is in. You have to show humility, willingness to let him have that anger and be supportive and maybe even get a MB counselor to help you.
It is an uphill road you are travelling, but with real healing for all of you, and you taking responsibility for your affair, maybe there could be a chance.
But I have to say cheating with his friend is a horrible mental image. He is definitely traumatized beyond belief. I personally would have visited my "friend" face to face and given her a meal of "handburger" or done all within my power not to, had a friend slept with my husband. He is justifiably angry.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Thanks I am reading all the articles and trying to get an understanding of the best way to move forward.
The child involved is 8mths old, the OM knows about the child but is not interested in being in her life as he as is own issues re building his marriage and dealing with his pregnant wife. There is no contact with him by me. Has his wife been told about your affair and the child? It is really important that she know the truth so she can protect herself and her child from you and the OM. The more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable. That is fortunate for you all that the OM wants nothing to do with the child. Here is what Dr Harley advises in these situations: writer1:
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr. My H is hell bent on revenge and sends him texts re "can't believe you've cast aside your child", "thanks for ruining my marriage" etc. He wants to get the guy (who was his good friend) to suffer financially from this as well. I agree the OM should suffer for his crimes, but not in this way. The last thing your H needs is to have this scumbum OM involved in his life. Please show your H Dr Harleys post about the OM and the OC.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've thought about this a bit more. Indulge me here, as I'm speculating. I reserve the right to be wrong.
I can image it may have gone down like this. DeepSigh says to her husband, "I had an affair with your friend, and had a child, and I know about this program where we can get help with the things you did wrong that drove me to the affair."
Now you may not have said those exact words, but if you said anything remotely like you said here in your first post in this thread, it probably looked very similar to how I wrote it above.
Now tell me, what betrayed husband in his right mind would want to sign up for that?
I would hope none, and I'm glad your husband wasn't suckered in by such a proposal.
How about presenting the program this way:
"My affair was wrong, and Dr Harley has a program that will not only protect you from any future abusive affairs on my part, but will also address other complaints you have about the marriage. I'm working with him to learn how to protect my marriage from me perpetrating any additional abuse on you, how to eliminate my behaviors that destroy your love for me, and learning new behaviors that will help me not only protect our marriage, but love you in such a way, that our marriage will be better than it was before I committed such an unspeakable act.
Will you help me learn how to be a better wife by providing the feedback I need to successfully complete this program?"
That's how you get him on board, if he's going to get on board. You show him that you are not trying to fix him. Rather you want to use this program to fix you. So that you put extra ordinary protections in place so you don't have additional affairs. So that you eliminate your love busting behavior, so you don't further destroy the love he may have left for you. Finally, so you meet his top emotional needs so his love for you grows.
What you wrote in the first post sounds like you want to take him to MB for a tune up so he's a better husband and you won't be tempted to have another affair if he's a better husband.
Congrats to your husband, he saw right through that, and you should be grateful he's smarter than that.
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There should be light of day for all involved. I agree w/Mel! Affair and oc needs to be revealed, if not already.
If not, how can real healing ever happen? Please get mb counseling. I wish you well! All of you (well except the om).
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Consider putting up OC for adoption. There are plenty of folks who want to have a child who cannot.
If you want to save your marriage, then if there is any way not to hold on to the child, then find a stable couple who cannot have children and allow them and your child a chance to have a stable family.
There is no shame in offering your child for adoption given the messy situation you have in your marriage.
It's not for everyone, but it's a possible solution that solves a great deal of problems for the parties involved.
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What you wrote in the first post sounds like you want to take him to MB for a tune up so he's a better husband and you won't be tempted to have another affair if he's a better husband. Bingo! deepsigh, please listen to EnlightenedEx and take his advice in how you present this. I can only add that some sincere humility and remorse will go a long way in repairing the damage you have done. Most men would not take you back, so you are extremely fortunate if your H will accept you after what you have done.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The only way to survive a fire, is to walk out of the way of danger.
There is no easy way out. Just a way to stop the fire (the lies, the deceit of the affair and now the truth of the aftermath) and save what is left of the foundation of the house burning down. That house burning down is your marriage.
I don't advocate ever causing pain or hurt to an innocent child. I even love the oc, my son's half sister now (six years down the road). That took time. And I had to take it to God.
You need total honesty to all parties involved and show your H that you are willing to walk now thru that fire, fight the fire as best as you can, fully aware he is in no shape now to fight that fire with you and save what you can now.
I would get yourself asap into counseling too, and find a mb counselor if you could.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Thanks for all your advice.
I think I am still harboring some resentment from how I feel I've been treated over the last few years which is why I had the conflicting sentiments that everyone has commented on. But agree that I need to take 100% responsibility and am endeavouring to do so.
Being honest with myself, I think deep down that I was hoping that the outcome of all this would be to force new & improved behaviour from my husband but of course that is completely wrong and an immature & selfish way to deal with a bad marriage.
I do however disagree with comments & thoughts on the child involved. She is an innocent in this and deserves to have her father in her life in some form. To put a marriage, be it OM or mine, above that I believe is an inherently selfish to do as adults. As an adopted child myself, whilst I love my adopted parents to bits, I've already felt strange about my identify and my connection/link to the world. I want to ensure that my child doesn't feel that and instead grows up knowing that she hasn't been abandoned and is loved and cherish by all adults in her life.
Obviously I'm new to all of this and probably have a great deal to learn so apologies if I'm all over the place in thoughts. Just appreciate each and every comment and hope to take on board some great advice.
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I do however disagree with comments & thoughts on the child involved. She is an innocent in this and deserves to have her father in her life in some form. To put a marriage, be it OM or mine, above that I believe is an inherently selfish to do as adults But, it is not in your child's best interest to come from a broken home, is it? It is bad enough you had her in an affair with his best friend, it would be 10x worse to have to raise her with no family, no husband, wouldn't it? Because your marriage won't EVER recover unless contact ends with the scumbag OM. So somehow you have to do this in a way that makes your H SAFE even if it means the child never seeing the OM. What does your H say about this? It doesn't sound like the OM has any interest anyway from what you say so i suspect you are using this "she must see her father" crap in an attempt to see this loser again. Here is how Dr Harley recommends visitations take place if your husband agrees to this: . If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.[/qoute]
[quote]Being honest with myself, I think deep down that I was hoping that the outcome of all this would be to force new & improved behaviour from my husband but of course that is completely wrong and an immature & selfish way to deal with a bad marriage. Especially since you just took the "bad" marriage and made it horrible. It will be a miracle if you save this marriage after the cruelty you have inflicted on your husband. Most men wouldn't bother with this. Consider yourself very lucky if you can abuse a man in this manner and keep him around. What you have done to him is as bad as rape or physical assault. He would be much better off just leaving. So if he chooses to stay, you should be grateful.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do however disagree with comments & thoughts on the child involved. She is an innocent in this and deserves to have her father in her life in some form. To put a marriage, be it OM or mine, above that I believe is an inherently selfish to do as adults. As an adopted child myself, whilst I love my adopted parents to bits, I've already felt strange about my identify and my connection/link to the world. I want to ensure that my child doesn't feel that and instead grows up knowing that she hasn't been abandoned and is loved and cherish by all adults in her life. You've got it backwards. Your child should NOT be a priority over the health of your M. Your M needs to be healthy first, then that health will spill over on your child. I disagree with EE, especially since your child is 8 months old. Adoption may sound good on paper, but the reality is that she has been in your life for 8 months and you have bonded with her. Has your H completely accepted her? I urge counselling with the Harleys to help him completely accept her and recover your M. WARNING: Please plan to tell your child the circumstances of her birth when she's a little older, using age-appropriate language. Do not try to pass her off as your H's child. The danger of the truth coming out to her via a third party is just too great to do otherwise. I have always known that I was my 'sister's' daughter. But until I was fourteen, I always also assumed I was her husband's daughter as well, and I assumed they gave me to my grandparents to raise because they married so young and couldn't afford to care for me. My world was completely rocked when my sister/mother explained to me at the age of fourteen that I was another man's child. It took a lot of work for me to make that adjustment to my reality. I tracked down my siblings on my father's side just a few years ago, and have met my father. My sibs were not aware of my existence, and my father's wife wasn't, either. It was very difficult for her to accept me (imagine how rocked HER world was, to have a 50 year old woman show up to her H and say "Hi, I'm your daughter!"), although she is very nice to me. They're great people. But I don't think I would have wanted the whole business of having to grow up with that family. It wouldn't have been a stable situation for me.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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So an update ...
8 weeks since D day
Hubby is going to counselling once a fortnight which seems to be helping him.
No contact with OM
I'm doing everything I can do to rebuild the love units. Hubby is great with OC and I believe loves her (she's a gorgeous 8mths old).
We've just spent a long weekend away on a holiday and things went well - no fighting. Although we never fight anyway - in the 10years we've been married and the 17years we've been together.
However, here comes the however ...
I feel like we're back to a certain degree to our old "flatmate" relationship - which I think he is happy with but I wasn't - sex 2-3 times a year on my instigation, him playing computer games all night, me doing all the housework despite earning more than him etc etc. Yes I know I'm whinging.
And his contract at work isn't being renewed so he has to look for a new job - this brought up all my frustration from the past - he didn't work for 4 years just before I had my 1st child and I supported him.
And I'm also still desperately missing the OM - he was my best friend - I know cliche. We used to meet up once a week and go to the beach, cafe etc (he runs his own business from home) and yes we were affectionate but for the most part things were platonic. I know that I need to move on but I still cry at least once a day.
Oh and counseller has asked him (about two sessions ago) to get to the root cause of the affair - which he mentioned to me that she asked but we haven't discussed it as I don't think he wants to and I'm reluctant to bring up as I don't want to rock the boat.
I was thinking about what MelodyLane & Enlightened Ex wrote and you know what .... yes I think I do want to "take him for a tune up" in a way as I honestly don't know if I'll be happy 5 years down the track if things keep going on like this. Hmmm realised I sounded selfish again but I'm just confused.
Anyways any feedback is welcome.
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DS
Before your affair there was an opportunity for you and your H to take each other for a tune up. Coaching with the Harleys, A MB weekend, the home study program etc.
The MB tools would have given each of you a vocabulary to explain to the other how LOVE is best expressed in YOUR perceptions, and how UNloving certain actions were.
You could have deconstructed then rebuilt your marriage together in love and respect and BOTH have gotten the spouse you really want and need.
Could have.Because you chose to have an affair in response to your perceptions of your marriage instead. Hows THAT workin' out for ya ?
Very few wayward spouses truly understand the evisceration that the A delivered to their BS. You are not one of them it seems.
It is analogous to your having a disagreement with another person, but instead of discussing your way out of it you pulled out a grenade and dropped it in your protagonists pants. You only want to negotiate now he is splattered all over the walls of the emergency room, barely breathing.
You have removed you husbands CAPACITY to love you, for a while. You have removed his dignity. His hope. His self worth. And yet you DARE to whine about his LAUNDRY contributions ? Jesus woman, get a grip on yourself!
You have to try to load your BHs internal organs back in his chest cavity and sew them up before you can even THINK about having your marriage issues addressed.
If you are not willing to work to repair the damage you caused for as long as it takes before you start rebuilding your marriage, then I strongly suggest you divorce and get yourself out of your BHs life right now. It will be kinder for all concerned.
Also can you add detail as to you Hs view of OC ? I feel that she was born with your H thinking she is his own child, is that correct ?
all blessings.
MB Alumni
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I was thinking about what MelodyLane & Enlightened Ex wrote and you know what .... yes I think I do want to "take him for a tune up" in a way as I honestly don't know if I'll be happy 5 years down the track if things keep going on like this. Hmmm realised I sounded selfish again but I'm just confused.
Anyways any feedback is welcome. You do sound selfish. Since any feedback is welcome, consider your wish granted. If the topic of what caused the affair comes up, the answer is you and your boundaries. You husband has ZERO responsibility for your choice to have an affair. If he blames himself, one of your jobs is to tell him he is NOT responsible for your choices. Your husband may need a tune up from your perspective, and I'm certain you have valid complaints about the marriage. However, at this point, you are beyond the needing a tune-up, you need a full blown overhaul. You are still missing the OM and still trying to figure out how to pin this on your husband. Instead of worrying about if YOU will be happy in five years, where is your concern about if your husband will heal from the damage YOU'VE done to him with your affair. Until you overhaul your way of thinking, your marriage doesn't have a good prognosis 5 years out. But don't blame him, blame your own thinking and actions if that outcome is the result. You've done the most destructive thing one can do to a marriage, and instead of thinking about how you can help your husband heal, you are writing how you wonder if YOU can be happy. Consider that the road to your happiness includes helping your husband heal so that once he's healed and observes that you are a safe, loving spouse applying MB principles, that MB is the route he should take as well to maintain the marriage. But until you overhaul your thinking and help him heal, you cannot tune-up the marriage. Stop thinking about what you think he should or shouldn't do right now. Focus your energy and efforts on your personal overhaul.
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deepsigh, welcome back. If you really want to recover your marriage and make amends for your affair, here is where I would start. Start with the suggestions in this article: Can't We just Forgive and Forget <-----this will explain how to earn his forgiveness. And the article below gives an outline of how you can recover the marriage: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This may or may not make alot of scents to you but your mememememememmemem mindset will only cause devistion on levels that you cant understand .If you were able to understand on a deeply emotional level this would have never happened. You need to except that some of the things that have made up your core as a human being are flawed . Look at your upbringing,for several generations and you will see that pattering of behaviors buy the adults you were around as a child are so very wrong . that includes looking at dad,mom,grandmother, grandfather, aunt,uncles,brothers ,sisters, any caregiver that you may have had and that you are repeating a patern that is mabey 100 years plus old and its Not your husband that has led to to the choices you have made, it is you repeating what you saw as a child that has lead you down this path. Now is the time to take full responceability for the choices you have made and drawl a line that says I will no longer repeat the paterens of my past. If you have no sutch patterens in your past then the Blame falls 100% on you yes you. Its time to grow up like right now ,today, and claim a new life of personal responcability for what has happened by not shifting blame but by doing whatever it takes on your part,yes your part not some inocent scapegoat Just you Naked before god excepting the past in your life for what it truly is and stopping it forever . I hope this makes scents , may god grant you wisdom beyond what you have seen so far
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...To put a marriage, be it OM or mine, above that I believe is an inherently selfish to do as adults. Where did you learn this hokum? From Oprah? From Hollywood? Or did you just make it up? Look, I'm sorry if that came across as harsh - it isn't meant to be. In our culture, we're all practically steeped in this idea that "Children always come first." It sounds so nice, of course. Our politicians are full of it -- listen to how many times they invoke "our children" as the raison d'etre for any policy. DON'T let it keep you from actual thought. And the THOUGHT I want to leave you with is this: When parents put their children above the marriage -- in terms of the parents' time & attention, and in terms of allowing the children to dictate choices, such as which adults to have in their lives & when, the marriage suffers and the end result is almost always that the children suffer, too. On the other hand, when parents build a strong marriage, this is good for the child. Don't just take it from me. There are boatloads of sociological evidence correlating marital health, intact families and children's well-being. If you're going to "believe" things, better to choose to believe things that are actually true. You may not be able to legally avoid having the OM in the child's life if he chooses to contest. But if you care a puddle of cold spit's worth about your marriage, then you will do everything you can to keep OM out of your child's life. (Unless you believe, against all evidence, that your child will be better off growing up in a broken home.)
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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