Please don't do that. She knows he is married. She doesn't care. And don't confront your H anymore. Get evidence of the affair FIRST and then come back here.

This is some of that manipulative behavior you said you detested so much.

This wont help you.

Snooping will.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to confront him anymore either. I will try and talk to the friend though.

What, the very most important thing you can do to save your marriage is to hire a PI. You MUST get evidence of the affair in order to move forward.

I have just skimmed through your thread.

100% agreed this is an A.

You know that Dr Harley has said in his professional experience EVERY single time one spouse wants "space" or to move out, it has been because of an A. I think he has said only one time in 30+yrs it was not due to an A.

You are in a BS fog. WAKE UP!

I am not saying to be mean but because you have a shot of turning this around if you focus on the AFFAIR instead of all the other stuff you have been writing about. But you need to get busy and get the proof. THe more time you waste, the more entrenched he gets in the A.

STOP WASTING TIME!

My sister came to me with a similar story to yours. She would not believe me that it was an A. I implored her to post here. She did. Because every single poster told her it was an A and to snoop, she finally did. She got her proof w/n about a week or so.

Do you have access to his email/FB account/credit records? Do you have the $$ for a PI?? If not, can you plant a GPS & VAR in his car? Get moving...

Facebook yes
Phone records yes
Email no
Credit cards yes, I pretty much know where he goes except he has gotten cash a few times lately

Don't really want to spend money on pi

I know where she lives. She is a friend of his. I can't prove it's an affair just because he shows up at her house or calls and texts her.

In fact there's no real way for me to prove. They aren't going to act like more than friends in public. A PI wouldn't be able to help. I've thought of knocking on her neighbors doors. It wouldn't be prove but ask what they think the relationship is. He sleeps on her couch so they would say he's her bf probably. The one friend of hers that I know hates me and of o ask her she would just turn around and tell my husband I asked.

I can ask the other friends of ours. It's really my only option but I don't think they actually know anything concrete they just suspected something was wrong. And when I asked my husband what she said to him he said he didn't want to talkl about it because he was mad about it because she came and talked to him in front of a bunch of people. But I don't know if she accused him of an affair or if what she said to him. I wasn't there obviously.

Ok in the meantime. I should do plan A right. Regardless of if it's an affair this would be good I would think.

I also asked if it would be possible to plant a VAR/GPS in his car which you did not answer.

You can establish that he is spending nights with OW or you could capture a conversation in which he admits the A. I have seen many people get their proof via VAR here.

BTW have you checked his cell records? Whose name is the phone in and what service do you have? I believe for instance if the phone is in your name under Sprint, you can fill out a form and get access to TMs.

What - for someone who is willing to do 'whatever it takes' to save her marriage, you don't really seem willing to do much.

Divorce is expensive. The expense is nothing compared to a PI.

Recovering your marriage is TOUGH WORK. It's gonna put you through the wringer. There's nothing nice and easy about this. You are going to have to do some very DIFFICULT things, things that will seem like they will destroy your marriage (they wont, the affair will).

If you can't even muster up the ability to do what it takes to snoop are you going to be willing to expose? Are you going to have what it takes to do a GOOD plan A (both carrot AND stick). Will you be capable of a Plan B?

What you gotta roll up your sleeves here. This isn't for the light hearted.

This is gonna be a war.

Do you have what it takes?

I predict you aren't going to make it with this attitude. Asking people will avail you nothing other than alerting your H to the fact that you suspect. A PI can probably get evidence of the affair in one day.


That is silly. He does not sleep on the couch. I am sure you know better.

Whattodo, you have been given all the tools necessary to save your marriage. If you refuse to use them you only have yourself to blame.

moving on......

I already know he has slept at her house on the couch. I don't need a gps to tell me where he is going.

Phone records show nothing.

I guess I could do VAR but might be tricky.

I realize divorce is expensive. But what is a PI going to tell me that i don't already know? That's why i don't want to get one. I know who she is what she does where she works where she lives. I know when he sleeps there. Sometimes he sleeps at home too. I don't know specifically the places he goes out all the time but I do know some of them and it wouldn't be that hard to find him if I wanted.

I do have what it takes.

I've already confronted him remember. Based on what I know. But bc she was a friend he has that to fall on. And without putting a video camera in her house how could I know? I'm sure if they go out to eat they are making sure it looks just like friends incase they run into someone they know.

I could just say I want him to go NC regardless.

I DO want our marriage to work and I do want to do what it takes.

Plan A involves uncovering the affair, so yes, you should do Plan A by uncovering the affair.

Yes a PI can give you the intel you need by taking pictures of them together. However, you already have the evidence of the affair since they are sleeping together. You don't need more than that.

You have the evidence of an affair to be able to expose it right now.

You already know that your H spends the night at OW's house? Huh?

I am wondering why it took five pages for this to come out...and why you have been trying to convince us this wasn't an A.

We can't help you if you can't face what is happening...

Except sleeping at someones house and sleeping with them are two different things. He may be having an affair with her but he could also just be sleeping on her couch.

He is really confused. We were able to talk today. It was good, there was no crying or angry or anything just talk. Both let our feelings be known. He's not sure what he wants. Yes it could be because he is having an affair.

He packed a bag and left but said he may come back. He then emailed me later and asked what I was doing. He seems to want to come home but doesn't. I basically told him the basic concepts and how I felt we had let our marriage get in the state it was in and how we could fix it. He is not sure about it but he listened to what I had to say and really thought about it I think.

I know I need to be checking for signs of an affair still but the way he was acting today was not what I would have expected if he was having an affair.

It is a lie that he is sleeping on her couch, What. You have plenty of evidence right now of an affair. There isn't much we can do to help you if you deny reality.

Yes but I have already confronted him. And I have no more evidence. It is possible he is simply sleeping on her couch. You can say I'm denying reality but it is a possibility.

I know everyone thinks it is an affair but I dont have any solid proof yet and hiring a PI would just be a waste of money.

One last shot...

Do you agree that you can use reasoning & circumstantial evidence to determine things?

If you go outside and the sky is cloudy, the ground looks wet, people are carrying umbrellas or wearing raincoats, you can conclude that it had rained without actually having seen the rain, can't you?

Any ONE of these things that you have described that are flaming red flags of an affair:

~ moving out, wanting "space", sleeping in another room
~ looking back you can identify a threat, someone who "clicked" with your spouse or popped up on your radar screen
~ WS acts cold, distant, confused or avoids communicating with you
~ WS identifies numerous "issues" in the M but when the BS tries to work on WS's complaints, nothing improves.

Not only do you have all of these things, but your H is sleeping at the suspected OW home!!!

The only thing I can see that has convinced you this is not an A is that your H denied it. Guess what? Most of them do deny it! I wouldn't be surprised if your H also gaslighted you and made you feel if you kept pushing him about OW/an A, then it would really be over.

If you do ask him about this again, I would suggest bluffing him and telling him you already have proof of the A, but I think he knows that he can manipulate you so I dunno if that's going to work.

Good luck!

I agree all the evidence leads to an affair.

He is very confused. He doesn't know what he wants. The simplest decisions are hard for him to make. This may be a sign of the affair also. As I read more on the SAA I learn more about it. I agree he is not going to admit to an affair. I would like to expose but I feel we have made some positive steps these last two days.

I made the choice to stop confronting him or accusing him. I have been hinting at it quite a but. I also made the choice to stop getting upset. I calmly told him that I was very hurt and did not want to separate but I didn't want to push him either and if a separation was what he needed I would agree. I said we would need to sit down and decide what we wanted out of the separation and set ground rules and decide how long we want it to last. I said none of it needs to be set in stone but we need to make decisions and then we could change them if we wanted.

It looks like we will be separating. Forcing him to stay will make things worse. I will be continuing to look into the possibility of an affair. And once we do separate it may be worth it to hire a PI. If he is still spending the night or she is spending the night with him it is obviously more than a couch to sleep on and I will have my answer.

And in the meantime I will go on saving the marriage the best I can.

I know you don't believe in separation but I can't force him to stay either.

He asked me today about a family member who separated for years from her husband. He asked why they separated. The situation was different there was a child involved and they were too young when they married. I told him. He said that everyone he knows who has divorced or separated it was because there was infidelity or abuse involved. He was trying to say that because the problem is that he is unhappy he doesn't understand. I told him I think people who are unhappy try to figure out why they are unhappy and fix it rather than just separate. But that I was sure there were people who simply weren't happy. I wanted to say unhappiness leads to infedelity but I kept my mouth shut. I will bring that up at another time when he is ready to hear it.

I am going to say one of my conditions of the separation is no dating. If he can't agree to that than that will be a very telling sign. I have a good reason too. If he is truly unhappy and he thinks that he should date to find someone he can be happy with I will say. You will be happy with someone else. I'll say you were happy with me for all these years so happy that we got married. It's easy to be happy in the beginning.

I want to fix this. Trust me. But accusing him of an affair if I am not positive is not the right way. But believe me I am still looking for the signs.