I'm new here and I don't know all the acronyms, so please bear with me.

I am a liar - a big one.

I am a cheater too.

I have betrayed and lied my whole life. I lie to others, but more than that, I lie to myself. I lie and tell myself I'm not the lowest of the low. I admit to doing such and such, but I say (and think) well, I never did this other thing (which in my sick mind somehow is worse but is really of the same order of magnitude as what I do - it produces the same bad results).

I lie to myself that the reason why I hide things is to protect someone else. But, I lie because I think it protects me, or at least I think it does, or will, at the time.

In some aspects of my life I'm hugely successful and I don't really know how I have been. And in one of those areas at least (work), I'm known for understanding the big picture and being really analytical to avoid problems and issues.

But in the rest of my life, I don't do that. I don't see how my actions will affect things. I don't think long-term.

I am selfish and don't even realize it a lot of the time.

In most of life, I think if only I work hard enough, I can do anything. I don't ask for help ever because "I can do it all" (or so my mind says).

I have previously had two physical affairs when I was married. I recently betrayed someone I love with an emotional affair. Throughout my life and in this most recent relationship, I have told numerous lies about other that and other things.

Over the last week since my betrayals and lies were discovered, I started reading things on this site, and everything seems to make so much sense. I believed that I could follow the policies here and live my life according to what is described, especially that of radical honesty. I truly believed it...and then when it came right down to it (and given every possible way to do it), I failed at it. I wasn't honest fully. I couldn't do it. And I told myself in my head of all the things I HAD been honest about and brought out in the open, instead of the things I HADN'T. Again, I go back to the same way of behaving.

Why am I like this? Why do I have some boundaries in affairs and not others? And why do I not have any boundaries in lying?

I really don't want to live my life like this, but if I am being truly honest, I don't believe I can stop...and I'm not sure I ever really believed I could. I just lied to myself and convinced myself I could.

I know that I cannot save my relationship. He will never trust me, nor should he. But, how do I save myself? And how do I save my kids from me?

Hi welcome to MB,

im afraid the weekends are very slow on here so dont be put off if you dont recieve many responses today. Also bare in mind that the vast majority of posters here are in the US and so dont post until the afternoon (Im assuming your from UK due to post time?? am I wrong??)

If you look at my thread you'll see I have a huge issue of justifying and rationalizing just about EVERYTHING that I do or that happens to me. Its always something/one elses fault never my own.

This leads to misplaced resentment and the excuse to justify MORE.

I've always believed im a good person at heart who just got a little lost and made a momumental mistake. The fact is im not a nice person although I would like to be, but its not that simple. I have been aruging with the vets on this board as they say so just stop saying 'but' in every sentance. I didnt get it as to me not saying it doesnt mean the thought goes away. But im practicing what they are saying and over the last week when faced loosing my family I have made a breakthrough. Do I always put other people first/ do I always think about the consequences of my actions, no, but im definately moving in the right direction.

I didnt believe for one second that I could change as I felt it was so natural and almost inbuilt in me to justify as a way of life and it feels like you believe your here too. It wont be pretty when the vets come along and expect to get challenged and 2x4'd but try to look beyond the anger and look for the truth in the comments.


Also maybe read a thread by cantgetitright who has big issues with lying/justifying (own admission not be judging). He too has been advised and appears to be mking some progress.

Hope you find help here that you can take something from but it wont be easy, hope your in for the long haul to save yourself and whatever might be left of your family.

Drop down the blog and read peachyisback. Then decide where you want to end up. You can see your future. One or the other.

You are like this because you don't have any boundaries and are in the habit of lying. Boundaries are not something that just happens to someone magically. They are a habit that is formed after making a choice. You can change your habit of lying if you make a choice to do that TODAY.

It is a CHOICE.

It takes about 3 weeks to make a new habit. You might mess up a few times in the beginning, but the solution is to immediately correct the lie by telling the truth.

Your lying is the reason WHY your self esteem is low. Lying is not esteemable at all.

Dr Harley:

The born liar is different than the avoid trouble liar in that he doesn't seem to know the difference between truth and fiction, and makes things up for no apparent reason or purpose. An avoid trouble liar, on the other hand, is very much aware of the truth and only lies to avoid getting into trouble.

The "avoid trouble" liar is used to getting their way. They usually have a long history of agreeing to anything and then doing what they please. When confronted with their lie, they promise they will never do it again, another lie, of course. They are usually very cheerful people because they are living a life that suits them just fine. If people would just stop telling them what to do, they think there would be no need for dishonesty. What they think makes them dishonest, is people trying to change them. They don't think it's right, so they tell people whatever they want to hear just to get them off their backs. here

VTMom,

I've had problems with lying for a long time. I've said to myself that I am lying to protect my wife from further harm, but in reality I'm protecting myself from further arguements, embarassing discussions and rehashing my mistakes.

It's only recently, as I'm getting close to throwing everything away, that I have come to understand that the truth may hurt, but it is better than allowing someone to think they were at fault, doubt themselves and think badly about themselves.

Read other posts, open up to the people on the site. Let them know what you've done and what you want to achieve. Most have been there/done that or have had it done to them. They can give you an idea of what they have been through and what the impact was on them.

You may get slapped around a little, but if you are honest with yourself, you'll see that it is well deserved.

Stay with the site/concepts, it will help.

Thank you all for all of your responses. I really appreciate what you all have to say and your honesty in sharing your experiences.

It has been an overwhelming week for me since "DDay" as it seems you all refer to it.

I have done a lot of things to figure this out since then. Definitely haven't done it all right. My boyfriend, who is a truly amazing man, has been the most selfless and kind person through all of it. He forgave me after initially finding out what I'd done (lots of lies and an emotional affair). We went through the PHQ together on Tuesday of last week and I shared a whole lot about my life...stuff I hadn't shared with many people, and noone who knew the totality of what I'd done over my life.

BUT...big BUT...even though my intention was to have total honesty and "let it all hang out", I still held back info. Still kept stuff from him. Still lied by withholding info. And a couple days later, he learned of that stuff too.

Bad day. Very bad day. That, I think (I hope), is what they call rock bottom. But, nevertheless, even after a second "DDay", he has the compassion and the selflessness and the love for me to want me to be well and to help me do it. How I deserve that from him, I do not know. But I am so thankful.

He asked (ok, maybe forced) me to call my parents to tell them what I'd done...not just now, but over my life. I'd withheld telling them of an abortion I had when I was 19 and the two affairs I'd had during my marriage, and a big financial disaster involving my ex-boyfriend and his new wife, and all that had happened with my new bf. Lots of stuff I had lied about and withheld from them. Hardest thing I ever did to call them and confess. But I did. And they were amazing and supportive and wonderful.

I also have 'fessed up to one of my dearest friends here in town and am talking to my best friend on the phone later. I also filled in my ex-husband (my 3 kids' dad) on what I'd done since the affairs I had on him. He knew already of the affairs I'd had while with him, which were the cause of our divorce. He too has been very kind to have forgiven me (which he did almost immediately after the affairs were revealed) for what I did to him.

I've also sent no-contact emails to two ex-bfs (one was the guy who I'd had the emotional affair with; the other was a guy who I'd dated and who I still kept in contact with and with whom I have "been" with a few times since we stopped dating.

I still have others to notify of no-contact. And I've still got lots of people I need to reveal myself to and apologize to.

I've called around to find a counselor who will work with my bf and me and have begun to get some callbacks on that.

I'm still revealing more of the "dirty details" of my life to my bf, who has been so amazing to allow me to do this, even though I know it must be exceptionally hard for him to hear when he is hurting so badly.

I've changed my email and phone numbers and only given the new info to my family and a few close friends.

I have given my bf all my passwords to everything.

I've done lots of thinking about lots of things. Still have LOTS more to do.

I've been reading this site and all your posts.

I want to do this right - not to save my relationship, but to save me.

Please help me do it. Please be brutally honest in your insights to what I write or do. Please tell me the pitfalls to watch out for. I don't want to revert to the lies again. It is a horrible way to live and I've lived it too long. The little lies turned into big ones and then spiraled from there.

Thank you all for being here and for any help you can offer.

The recent EAs that you had, were those OM married? If so, have the EAs been exposed to their BWs??

No, the person with whom I had an EA was not married.

The two As I had were with married men. I have not talked to their spouses, but plan on doing that if it is the right thing to do. I just need to read up more on how that should be handled. Just as background on that, the one A I had when I was married was 4 years ago; the other was a little over 10 years ago.

If anyone has advice on that, I would definitely appreciate it. That is probably the scariest thing for me to contemplate doing(aside from telling my parents what I did, which I have now done and they were wonderful.)

Thank you everyone.

Do you believe that there is an expiration date on when those poor women have the right to know what you and their husbands did to them behind their back?

This is an important step in cleaning up your act. And they have the right to know the kind of person they are married to.

Why do you think the thought of doing this scares you?

The As need to be exposed to these BWs, vt. They are VICTIMS in all of this and deserve to know the truth.



Also this:
The emails HH found between you and "exlovers", you know, the ones that he broke up with you over, were those men married? What was the nature and frequency of the communications there? Please be specific.

You're right, there is no expiration date on that. Perhaps I was hoping in my head that there was.

Why does it scare me? I guess it is mostly the fear of the unknown and the thought of bringing hurt to someone. (Yeah, I know...should have thought of that at the time.) I am not sure what to say and I'm afraid of the reaction (either option actually). If they lay into me, I know it will be well-deserved; if they forgive me, I won't feel worthy of it.

I am looking for your experiences, if you'd be willing to share. I know it will be hard, yet I also know it is the right thing to do.

Perhaps it is not appropriate to ask for this, but I could use some encouragement too. I really want to make changes in my life so I can be a better person.

There were two main things that caused the breakup, and additional lies along with those:

An ex-bf IM'd me a few times about two months ago and was interested in getting together with me. We had stopped seeing each other about a month or so before my current bf. I flirted with him very inappropriately in those IMs. I also emailed him about a month or so ago and was flirtatious with him then. That man was not married or in a relationship. After my bf discovered this, I did send him a no-contact email and have not had any other communication with him.

Also, another ex-bf and his now new wife scammed me out of a large sum of money. I hate these people and have become obsessed with getting justice for that, to the exclusion of almost all else. The case is with the police now and has been for about 2 months. My attorney had advised me not to be in further contact with them and so did my bf. For a short while, I followed that advice, but it didn't last long. When I felt the police weren't doing anything, and when the ex-bf and his wife continued to email me and call me (and they emailed me constantly, each turning on each other as the reason why I'd been scammed), I responded to those emails. The emails were all angry and asking them for repayment or to do the right thing. I also egged them on to get them to turn on each other (which seems to have at least partially happened). I did not let the police do their work and stay out of it. I did not follow my lawyer's advice. I continued to monitor them in facebook, etc. to discover anything I could to help my case. I lied to my boyfriend and said I had sent the emails to the trash, hadn't gotten any, and hadn't responded to any, all of which wasn't true.

The reference that my bf made of continuing to contact ex-lovers referred to the continued contact with my ex-bf on the money scam. After he discovered the EA and the original lies on the scam, we met and talked. At that time, I didn't tell him of additional contact, since his discovery, that I had with my ex-bf on the money scam, asking him to do the right thing and talk to the police (and also his emails to me - to which I didn't respond - of his love for me, blah, blah).

I did not and have not contacted any other ex-lover since then other than sending two no-contact emails, which I had bcc'd to my bf also.

But, I had also not sent any more no-contact emails to anyone else, and hadn't admitted my faults totally to him or to anyone else. Since then, I am working on doing all that. (See another of my posts above for what I have been doing.)

VT

How you doing? First step is being honest with yourself and looks like you have done one of the hardest things already. Easy to stick your head in the sand, be a coward and not face upto YOURSELF.

I am a FWW wife and 7 months after D-Day things are just starting to turn a corner with my H. Still lots of work for me to do. Have a look on my thread, I spent the first few months focusing on myself rather than my H making myself a better person, only then was I able to start to rebuild my M. I spent a lot of time being coached on setting myself boundaries, you might find it an interesting read. Just Learning one of the vets round here, was great at this, if your lucky he may even pick up on your thread.

Also, I have never felt better about myself since I have started being honest, respectful and loyal to others and myself. I am telling you, it is a wonderful feeling liking yourself for what you stand for.

Good luck, it will be a long process, bit one very worthwhile.

Hitch

Vtmomof3,

I'm not sure I understand who conned who and what happened for real and what not, but FWIW - if there are families involved, especially OWs, you need to be honest with them and tell them everything and apologize. There is a BW here who is in her 50s and she found out that her H had been unfaithful to her practically their whole married life. There is no words to describe her feelings, the damage is so horrible. You owe these wives the truth, they will then have a good chance not to live their whole lives in a lie. Wouldn't you want to know if you were them? Be brave!

I really mean to say your not going to be able to sort out your relationship until you sort out yourself, I use to lie a lot too, to make my life easier for myself.

Hitch -

Thanks. I've been reading your thread. Lots of good stuff in there. Right now, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all the stuff to do. I need to sit down and make a to-do list and prioritize it or I'll drive myself crazy worrying about how to get through this and do all the right things.

Niitse -

You are right. They do have a right to know. I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot, I would as well. Thanks for giving me the dose of reality.

Reading from all of you is really helpful.

I also have an amazing family and group of friends who are being so amazing and supportive. And no words can describe how amazing my bf has been through all of this. Although he has every right to walk away, he has instead chosen to help me and has taught me a lot about this process. I feel really grateful to have this place and these people in my life.

TO DO LIST:

1.) Tell OMS that their husband cheated on them with me.

DONE

Agreed.

We want to encourage you but the problem is that by putting off exposing to the BWs shows a lack of understanding the crime that you have committed against them...and a lack of remorse...

You have to recognize you have passive aggressive traits, which includes a tendency to drag your feet on things and not follow through. So please just work on getting this done before anything else...