Thanks Holyheart for the bump.

Hey HopeE-

I just wanted to let you know that your DD14's course grades are not uncommon for a kid who is going through what she is going through. I teach in an alternative high school program for kids who are behind in credits for various reasons. When we see a transcript where the grades all drop significantly, we know that "something" happened in that student's life that caused them to have difficulty. Usually it is a D, or a huge medical issue within the family. Most kids survive and are able to overcome a bad semester.

My own YS failed several of his classes his first year of high school because of what was going in our lives (his dad left due to his A and I was dealing with cancer treatment-also his older sister got married and his older brother left for college. It was just him and me-and chemo). He had to work really hard to make up those classes during the other three years of high school, but he did it. He did zero period (waaaay before most high school kids want to get out of bed) and even had to do an on-line class to make up a science credit.

The best thing you can do for your DD is go talk to her counselor and let her know what is going on. Then, either talk to or email her teachers and let them know as well. Sometimes the counselor will do this. If they are like my YS's counselor, you may have to do this yourself at conference time.

One of the reasons I teach alternative students (instead of Advanced Placement and College like I used to) is because I think it is unrealistic to expect kids who have suffered huge negative life changes to be able to perform at a "normal" level and be able to be successful without having any thought to these kids' stress level...especially when we (adults) are so willing to be understanding of adults who are not "cutting it" because they are struggling with the same thing.

Why do we expect kids to be able to "perform" when there is huge stress in their lives when we know how hard it is for us "grown ups" to cope under similar circumstances????

Here's a positive: most colleges are more interested in the student's application essay than just the gpa. Lots of colleges allow students to add an addition essay that explains any irregularities in their school history. Students who can explain their journey, determination and resilience in dealing with life events will have a good chance of getting "grace" for a semester or so of "bad" grades.

Thanks Johnstwin,

I'm so thankful for that. Is it ok to give the punishment? I admit that I was angry and fussed at her. I later apologized for my anger and told her I knew she had so much more in her. This is her first year of high school, so I know all of these things have compounded the situation. She was up late last night doing homework...I told her I was proud of her and that I loved her.

I did tell her that after another week, that I'll look at her assignments and see how she's doing and then decide whether to lift the grounding. I have contacted her teachers, so I'm hoping that it helps. I talked with counselor and she said, "I will tell you that Hannah says she has trouble concentrating in class which is a symptom of depression." She also added, "You may want to speak with her teachers about having some quiet place to work or working one on one with someone."

Hannah mentioned to me that she was doing better in algebra because they are allowing her to go to content mastery for help. She really likes the teacher in there.

I do seem to expect a lot from her because she is the only girl and I want her to do well.

My oldest daughter had trouble her first year of high school. No particular reason for it, just had trouble.

Then, the summer before her senior year, she had a very serious illness and nearly died. She was quite ill the first semester, and to tell you the truth, I think half of the teachers gave her passing grades based on what she gave them - because I know she didn't attend very much school, and she did not complete much of what was expected. She graduated, and managed to pull all of her grades up by the end of the high school experience.....enough to graduate in top 10 percent.

So where is she now?

This almost-failed freshman?

Working on her Ph.D. in a field that is so difficult to explain that it makes my head hurt.

And, she actually is looking at jobs in her future in "policy making" for our government in areas that involve research ethics, environmental impact, and industrial-government interaction and policy.

So, that freshman flop may seem like a complete disaster now, but they can make it through.

Call the counselor, talk to the teachers.

But your number one thing?

Stand there as the mom, and let her know that school is her focus - that you see her future and know that her foundation is in those books. She knows it too. She wants to hear you love her through this

that you are still mom

no matter what

that the basics of her life have not changed

even though dad is being a [censored]

mom is still there, loving her through it


even if you have to say: "Mom is still here, loving you through this. Dad is being a [censored], but the things that are important haven't changed. School is still important. Our love is still important. Getting new shoes is still

wait

well, yeah, that's still important, too.


And I will love you through this.

We can worry together about dad. Let's schedule a time to pray for him. Right after you focus on school, we will pray for him. And for us. And for good grades.

Then, we will schedule our worry time. But let's remember that the adults will handle the marriage, the kids will handle the school work


and we will love each other through this. No matter what."


See where she goes with that.



Because she needs to know what she needs to focus on.

She needs to have that direction, and right now, my bet is that she thinks nobody understands her.

Tell her that you do.

And......................spend lots of time listening in that conversation.

Give space in there for her to talk.


LOTS of space.


SB

HopeE-

When we were in the storm, my YS's IC said something that was very encouraging. He said "Your YS knows that he is deeply loved. You can survive a lot when you are deeply loved."

Hang in there!

Thanks Johnstwin and SB,

I hope she knows she is deeply loved....I tell her all the time. Her grades look good for now, but I'm sticking to the punishment until next Friday.

She came home today and announced that she made a 100 on a math quiz....I told her how great that was and I wanted to hear those scores.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and a Saturday full of football...it will be fun.

(((((HopeE)))))

Stay strong. You are a wonderful mother and your children are lucky to have you.

ditto that!!! even though at times it may not seem like your doing great... you really are... your kids know you love them. Your DD got 100 on a quiz not only because she could but also to make you proud. SHe knows she loves you but wants that attention.

Ok, an update on the game weekend.

First of all....WH texted my IM and asked that I either take DS7 to his game if in the morning or he would just have to miss. Well of course I don't want him to miss so I keep DS7 and take him to his game. WH had some class to go to and was finished by 12:30. Well, instead of trying to hurry and get there on time...which was 1:00, he hung around the house until 1:30 and then left....DS10 showed up about 2min before kick-off. Well, DS10 had to sit on the sidelines for pretty much the whole game...they had to put him in for 4 plays because of the rules, but that was it. DS10 told me it was because he was late...he didn't get to play as much. I was just furious.

Then, to top it all off, at the end of the game, my mom was hugging DS10 and telling how well he did and suddenly WH shouted, "DS10!! Get over there, you should be up there with your team members."

REally? WH is worried about DS10 going through the congratulation line, but he doesn't care that he's not with his team members for the game? Believe me, all those coaches were thinking the same thing.

Finally, WH came and dropped all 4 children off at a park down from my house while he went to get his hair cut. What's with that?

HopeE, is this WH's weekend?

Okay, you seem to be letting yourself get dragged in here a bit. I know that you don't want to have your children miss any of their games. It is up to WH now to take care of your children's needs when they are with him. He needs to find a way for DS's to get to where they need to be. You used to take care of that need, now you need to let it go. Your children may suffer by it but they will let WH have it. They will complain to him about how he let them miss a game, etc.

Also, how close were you to be able to hear WH yell out to DS? I am worried that you may be letting your Plan B slide a bit. It would do you no good. Remember, part of Plan B is that you need to stay OUT of the drama. Can you strengthen that Plan B back up again?

I don't know. I was standing on the sideline and he walked up to me and stood shoulder to shoulder and then spouted that information. My parents were with me, so I didn't look at him that much, but I could hear him.

I'm having a hard time with this because he does NOTHING with them. He doesn't care if they go to their games or if they play or not. I'm the one who paid the $500 for them to play and now I have to let it all go to pot because of him? My children have to suffer because of his neglect.

I don't know...I think I'm growing tired....not sad.

This is why you need to try to get into a dark Plan B. The LB account that your WH has with you is having massive withdrawals and no deposits. This will drain whatever remaining love you have for him and may make recovery impossible. It also makes your personal recovery get set back as you are constantly reminded about him again and again.

Have you looked into if your WH had to pay for 1/2 of whatever activities your children take part in. Maybe if he had something to lose, he would look at it differently. Also, you could have it set up that when it is his weekend with them, someone else goes and gets them from him and takes him to the games. Maybe he wouldn't even need to know where the games are anymore. He could refuse to let them go when it is his weekend. It is something that is out of your hands now though. The relationship that your children have with their father is no longer your concern.

I want my children to have a GREAT relationship with my WH but the best way for them to have that would be for him to return home and have a great marriage with me. Then it would be a daily relationship with his children. If he doesn't do that, I want them to have a father that is more involved. I can't MAKE him though and in the end, my children will know who it was that was there for them. We all learned who are parents really were(good or bad) when we grew up. It may take that long for your children to see the truth, give them examples to remember you by as a contrast for the memories they have of their father.

Please remember why you are in Plan B in the first place. There is a lot of good that comes from Plan B.

I could ask if someone else could bring him to the games. I asked DS10 if he told his dad that he didn't get to play because of being late and he said, "yes." WH said, "Well that's their loss".

Well, it's not their loss since the team won and it's actually DS10's loss since he was miserable throughout the whole game.

I know Scotty that my plan B goes to crap about every 2 weeks. Otherwise, it's good. I really don't see much hope for this marriage anyway..he's gone. I will say that the messages are better...not alot of sending me messages from WH.

I'll try and be better next time.

I wouldn't say that it actually goes to crap, I am just trying to help you not fall into a hole.

Let me ask you a question, and I want you to answer it honestly. You don't need to answer it for us here, it is meant only for you. If your WH came knocking on your door right now and said, "HopeE, I am willing to work on us. I have given up on OW. I saw the error in my ways. Can I come home?" What would you say? If the answer is that you would think about it, then I would say that Plan B will still do wonders for you. Shore up your Plan B and you will see wonders.

I know that the more time we spend in Plan B, the less the chance that we will recovery our marriage. It isn't just because the wayward is too far gone, it is also be because WE as a BS decide that we don't want the WS anymore. When that truly happens, we will know. For now, you just need to let Plan B do its thing and heal you. You can worry about if you want or dont want the marriage after you have taken the time to heal yourself.

I know that any little interaction with the wayward can send you into a tail spin. Just last night, my children spent the first night sleeping over at the shack. I called DS10 and talked to him. I heard WH talking in the background. I wanted to hang up because I knew what that would do to me. I had dreams about WH and all I can do is think about and talk about him. And that is from hearing his voice, and I can't even remember what he said. It's doing me no good to think about him. How am I supposed to get over someone if I am always reminded about him? I can't. And neither can you.

You are doing a great Plan B with exception of the football games. Just want to ensure that you get the most you can from your Plan B.

Thanks Scotty, I appreciate all your help. I still would take him back and work on our marriage. The things he does now that make me mad are some of the very things he did when we were together.

I'll tighten things up more. WH asked DD14 for my password to see her grades online. Should I send this to him through IM?

Did he send the message through IMs? NOPE. So you IGNORE. You don't even acknowledge it and when DD14 asks about it you say, "Your Dad can send me messages through Uncle Jay, how was your day?" As long as your kids know the rules, they will stop passing on messages from your WH.

As I tell my friends IRL, most WSs, such as our WHs, don't know about MB. They don't know about Plan B. When they find out that we are not talking to them except through an IM, they most likely think we are just being difficult and stubborn. Your WH most likely figures that you will "come around" soon. He tries to poke holes. He also doesn't like that YOU are calling the shots here, when it used to be him. In his wayturd pea brain, he is trying to get control back. You were a constant for him. You met needs for him. When you removed yourself, you created a void that he wants filled again. He knows what he needs to do to come home, he just isn't willing to do it. He may never be. In the meantime, you just need to focus on your healing and taking care of your children.

Again, you ARE doing a superb job, there is still room for improvement for YOU.

Your WH like mine has minimal contact with us. They probably think we are being difficult but also seem to have found they needs met elsewhere. They would love to be "friends" because they would feel less guilty. But they do not seem to concerned about us for now.
The way I see it, HopeE, is that they are really sick and lost themselves, they are caught in their bad choices and can't get out of the spiral they find themselves into.
They are too proud to admitt they did things wrong...or they are truly enjoying they "freedom" away from the responsibility of family life. They felt trapped in a M because they are NOT M material.
SO now they left their M and they know that even if it is initially hard they really prefer to be "un-married" and un-responsible.
blessing

HopeE,

At this point, your WH is working on being as self-centered as possible.

He wants what he wants when he wants it.
He works on getting what he wants, and does not bother with things that get in the way.
His focus is himself. His own pleasures are priority one, and the minor issue of your son's tardiness to a football game or anything else are of no concern to him.

In fact, anything that has to do with anything or anyone else but himself are of no concern to him.

It would be of absolutely no surprise for a wayward to shirk caring for a child, an elderly parent, going to a wedding or a funeral, going to a hospital bed to see a dying relative, helping a sick friend or family member, or anything else - if it meant that it would interfere with anything that wayward might "want" to do more.

After all, being wayward means: "My happiness is the most important thing in the world."


There is nothing more important.

NOTHING.


Their behavior shows this to be true.


Don't think for a moment that anything else is true.

When that starts to change, is when the fog starts to lift.

SB

HopeE-

If he wants the family access password to check HIS daughter's grades online, then HE can call the school to find out what that password is. They won't keep it from him. But, they won't send it to him unless he asks.

They only send that information to the parent on record at the school. If a "non-custodial" parent wants the information, they just have to ask.

Thanks for the replies,

I know that what everyone says is true and I definitely have room for improvement....wishing I could be more. Those messages from my children are hard to keep away. I could have told my daughter to have WH call IM, but I didn't even think that...my first thought was, "no way".

I've been doing so well, but I'm sure these football encounters have made things difficult for me as of late. I still sometimes don't feel like I'm really in this horrid situation.