Opt-You don't have to be a total story of what not to do. You could be a "I did it wrong at first and then LOOK OUT WORLD." You could still use the Plans even if it isn't to get to R of M anymore. Although, as long as you are not D, there is still a chance. Who knows? Not me that's for sure.

TB and Limbo,

TB's got it right. I know I said something in the letter about 'recovering the M,' perhaps that was a little hyperbolic. I suppose it would be possible, just like it would be possible to pass a camel through the eye of a needle.

I'm ready to start over. I don't have faith in my wife anymore. Without presenting extensive historical evidence, I'm not sure I ever loved this woman the way a husband is supposed to love a wife. Maybe I didn't know how, maybe I had poor example, whatever. But, I believe I can, with considerable diligence which has started with this tragedy, become someone who would be a good husband (which I really wasn't for her). However, I don't believe she is ready to make the changes she needs to to be a good wife [**not trying to confess other's sins here, just saying how I feel].

All this is very sad. But true.


Bottom line, TB is right. I just don't want to be walked on anymore if I can avoid it. As we all know far too well, It's embarrassing, humiliating, and painful to have your wife hanging around with single men. Guess what- it still sucks even during separation, heading for D. I want some consideration, and I'm finding that I don't get what I don't ask for (very specifically).

TB is also right: she wants a fairy tale D. I'm not sure what kind of a D it's going to be. For now, one step at a time; she treats me with respect, she gets my respect.

Thanks again guys for checking in and sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it you know I do.

opt

Not,
I know 2, I know. I do think she'll let it drop for a couple of months waiting for the divorce. After that, I couldn't care less what she does.

She'll have to answer to them on this, and I am strongly confident they won't let her off the hook.

I have some questions, but I need to get back to you as D8 is swinging the Wii controller in front of my face right now, wanting to play tennis.
Evidently your dishwasher was installed safe and sound...?

Suffice it to say, I hope to be serving some humble pie when this all comes to a close. I'll have some with you. With whipped cream (home made, not the canned stuff).

opt

Hi Opt,

Well guess who. *s*

I read your most recent part of your string over the last week or so.

I've got to say that I don't think your last effot is just letting yourself be "walked upon". I think it is much the way I would and have felt a couple of months ago feel now, and that is you don't want to go final with something as important as this unless you give it that last possible effort. I have to confess to you, that last December when Char was still incommunicato and when I found out she was in a what I label an obscene affair at her age that I was ready to pull the plug. It would have been hard obviously because she was in a nursing home, but still I felt tempted to try to find a way. There was the one thing that swayed me and that is she is and always has been an honest person. Her reaction about our being in no communication and her relationship was honest. Even tho she gave me reasons and excuses for doing these things I know she was honest in them. Opt I have to say from how you describe your wife acting the way she is I would have to judge her as not honest or believable.

I do not agree with people here who simply advise to cut and run, and fortunately there aren't very many of them here. I do agree with much of the advice you are getting now to firmly evaluate Your goals, and your hopes for your kids, and decide from those standpoints. I think the only admonishment I would have of what you are doing Opt is that since you have decided for a firm Plan B, or D, please give yourself a break. The ball is in her court not and she has to 'beyond reasonable doubt' prove herself to you And her family.

Just simply Opt good wishes and prayers.

Tom

Opt
I'm glad you sent the Plan B letter. Sounds like she got a reaction from it. Hoping she proves herself true this time.

SG

Tom, thanks for checking in and your words. I appreciate your perspective. It means a lot to me, and thanks as always for your prayers.

opt

Okay, Two, 8 days and I'm sure you'll be happy to know that WW has kept her promise. I remain on guard.
I totally appreciate your concern for me, Not. I really do. I hope if things go south you won't drop me like a bad habit. I'll be ready to take responsibility and accept the consequences for not following MB/Plan B, etc.

I have to ask: Do you feel I'm sending the wrong message to the children by not slamming the door on ww? I agree that the whole mumbo-jumbo of co-parenting and "all families are different, even when they live separately, blah, blah, blah" is psych-bab for "feel good no matter what." I DON'T want my kids to think D is an easy way out, or even an option. I HATE that she cheated on me, deceived me, etc. But I can't hate the person that did it. How do I portray that sentiment to innocent kids caught in the middle of the culmination of a history of half-truths?

Get back to me when you have a minute Not2fun, I know you have a lot going on. Just interested in your thoughts on some of this. I admire your opinion, you know I do.


I've been really keeping in mind what you have said. Guarding myself emotionally and trying to walk a line between a cooperative parent and an ex-spouse.
Point: I want you to know I am protecting myself. I've come to terms with the fact that I could not ever be happy with this woman; she is unable to meet my needs. I new this deep down the day I married her; and did it anyway hoping she would change. The $LB is shut down, essentially; she has a bank, yes, but it's not a $LB.

opt

This is great for you, Opt. It must take some of the pressure off. At lease she's finally showing a little respect.

Hang in there my friend.

I need some suggestions.
We filed for D on Feb 22 with mediator. I'm not in a dark Plan B, but stbxw and I don't chat about the weather much. I've removed myself as much as I can but have a very good separation agreement and don't want to provoke ww too much until the court proceeding as she could do a 180 at any time. It's a fine line I walk.

Something she said last week concerned me and I'm not sure how to address it or if I should. I asked "how are you doing?" and she said "I waver between being okay and thinking this was the worst decision we've made in our lives."

ummmm, huh? who's "we?" This was not OUR decision, it was a choice forced on me because she adamantly refused to stop her practice of developing 'friendships' with other men.

My first concern was that she was feeding the kids this BS. I addressed that with S13 over the weekend and reminded him in no uncertain terms that I did NOT want this divorce. I pointed out that I, personally, would be be better off when I found someone to be with who appreciates me, but that my first choice was for that to be WW. I will most certainly have that conversation with both kids more than once as we move on.

Now, I'm doing my best to use guilt to keep WW off balance. It's working. She doesn't like that I'm hurt. She wants a fantasy divorce. She didn't go for my jugular. She wants me to come to family dinners in 5 years. She knows if she pi$$es me off, she won't get a Stepford XH.

But it DOES bug me that she has this as OUR decision. Should it? Is this another ingredient in my guilt stew that I'm brewing or should I just leave this one out?

Funny thing: she asked if I wanted her to pick up my Mother from the airport this week. Unbelievable. I'm not sure, but I think after following me through this whole ordeal I think Mom would rather drag ww behind a car for a few blocks than be in one with her.

opt

Pay no attention to it, Opt. It's just more self-justification and wayward babble coming through. My WXH said the exact same thing any time anybody asked what happened. I set everyone straight when I could and even corrected him, though our separatation agreement was already signed, sealed and delivered. If you want, you can politely remind her that this was her decision, not yours. Though I can tell you that nothing p*$$ed WXH off more than that particular reminder.

Just when I think my ww is UNIQUE, lol.

Thanks Tab, that's helpful. I'll let her live in fogfantasyland. She's delusional. I'll just make sure to make sure people that matter have the facts. Like my kids.

opt

Opt,

Real quick,.....

STOP worrying she's gonna go after your jugular......she WONT......it would NOT be in her best interest to do that, and even though she is in the entitled wayward state of mind, she won't do it......

Not2fun

Opt,

Hang in there. And, do not get sucked into the fairy tale divorce.

Right now that's the only thing keeping my WW from pulling the trigger. A month or more ago we had the talk of "what do you want, how do you see our future." When the talk of divorce as a solution came up, she had this fairy tale vision of an easy an amicable divorce, me moving to an apartment close by, helping take and pick up the kids from school everyday, basically being her personal nanny, and of course remaining friends.

When I gave her my version, she actually broke down and cried for the first time.

FWIF, Pinky tells others that "WE are divorcing" and never "I" have decided.... Whatever. I think they just try to minimize their responsibility for being the ones driving the train.

right limb. amazing. and it's someone with that sense of responsibility who is now raising my children 50% of the time. that's what fills me with a renewed sense of responsibility to be the best dad I can be. better than ever.

opt.

ps I did say MY kids. in some ways I now secretly consider ww simply someone who was present during their birth....
[no offense to all the good Mothers out there]

I think you're saying that she would be reluctant to do anything to destroy her own fantasy of divorce where everyone holds hands and sings the old Coca-cola theme song. Actually makes sense. I never thought of it like that. Theory actually proven when she responded favorably to my Pseudo Plan B regarding the continued contact with POM#2 (which she continues to uphold except for one instance not worth elaborating on).

Am I reading your statement correctly, not2fun?

~opt

Hey Opt - I'd like to add my .02 to this. When Mrs. Linus and I were at our lowest point and separation/divorce were part of the conversation, she also had the fantasyland version of divorce in mind. How we would always remain 'friends', and I would go to all family functions, etc. Her parents divorced when she was younger, and that's how it was for them. They actually got along better after divorcing, and did a lot of family things together. So, she figured that's how it would be with us. Well, I popped that balloon one day when I told her that I doubted if I would ever even speak with her or any of her family again once the papers were filed. I told her I would be civil, I would talk to her only when needed, and that there was NO WAY we would be anything near 'friends'. That really upset her. I think that may have played a part in getting her turned around - she realized she wouldn't be able to have the best of both worlds.

Waywards sure do have a strange view of life.

For the record, my WXH had the same ideas for his fantasy divorce, but it also included him continuing to lie and steal from me. I conducted a similar pseudo-plan B where I only communicated with him over essential stuff (we had DS's wedding and graduation during that time). For the most part, we could be civilized but we were definitely NOT friends. His idea of friendship involved me going shopping and hanging out with OW (gag). Anyway, things fell apart when he stole my income tax refund. I had to take him to small claims court to get it back and, though we were extremely civil during that entire process, he was so furious about losing that he has since "plan B'd" me.

Officially "closing down" this thread. Divorce was final on September 16th, three days ago.

I'm compelled at this point to look back at the last 18 months of my life and think about how horrific, yet valuable it's been. I certainly didn't ever want to get to the position I'm in, with divorce. Never wanted my kids to grow up in two different homes. Never wanted to be coming home to an empty house at 41 and have my financial future on shaky ground.

But MB has helped me recognize the role I played in the M getting to the state it did. It's helped me take responsibility for the things I did wrong, and the things I didn't do at all. It's also helped me understand the areas that I wasn't responsible for and accept that people have free will; even God can't make them stop if they have a mind to act on their compulsions.

Mostly I wanted to post on this old thread with a huge "THANK YOU" to all of those who have helped me through my struggle. If I started trying to name individuals I'd be here all night. So many here have put it to me straight and although a lot of it was very difficult to hear, they were words that needed to be said. Following the tough advice has been very valuable for me and definitely helped me right my moral compass. I already know my next 40 years will be better because of folks who have offered their input.

So, to those of you still struggling with spousal infidelity, I can say there is light on the other side of this nightmare. It may not be the light you're expecting or even hoping for. However, Following the guidelines here and gaining a true understanding of the principles will get you to a better place. I wish everyone on this board the utmost of success. I wish everyone who comes here could find a way to save their marriage, I really do. I know that's not possible. What is possible is that you can find the positive in the nightmare of infidelity if you work hard to find it.

Sincerely,

~Optimism

I am sorry about the D opt. You did your best. Thank you too. (((((OPT))))))