You need to remove your family from the situation. On the forum, we compare A to addictions, because in all reality it is an addiction to the fantasy.

The only way to get an addict sober is to remove the cause of the addiction. In this case the OW.

The first two things you need to do to start this process is:

Tell OWH
Tell Everyone Else.

Affairs survive on secrecy. You have to remove that veil and expose it to the bright light of reality.

Then move. Get away from OW and OWH.

Yes, A are like addictions. Even when they lose their excitement the WH still clings to them because it is just like the drug addict which needs the drug just to get by, to survive. At the beginning it makes them feel good, then it becomes a necessity just to remove the pain of the guilt, loss of integrity and loss of the connection with god or your inner spirit.
It is really h@ll but at the beginning they all start in bliss and soulmate fantasy puppy love.
Does you WH act like teenager? I am asking out of curiosity, I just want to see if there is a pattern there.
blessing

Opt - present and accounted for. I didn't find MB until the neighborly EA was quite entrenched and I had secured my role as doormat. Exposure definitely helped kill the A which at that point was about maybe 5 months old. Moving immediately would have been the final blow as continued "incidental" contact helped keep her wayward for months after the exposure. Sure he'll give you a thousand reasons to Sunday why moving isn't "necessary" or whatever, but right now he has a better view of his colon than your face. He's most likely not on board with MB or any other M__, and, as has been stated, he has no respect for you, so putting your foot down now is not going to be easy. The first step in gaining any sort of respect and taking charge of your marriage is to stand up and fight the enemy: the affair. And the first step in that is to quickly but accurately and thoroughly come up with an exposure plan and execute it ASAP.

The rest of my story gets worse as it goes along. But for now, come up with an exposure plan, complete with targets (influential people in WH's life), a script ("I need you to help my husband end his affair...."), and phone numbers in list form so you can do this ALL AT ONCE leaving your WH no chance to spin it ("she's crazy - it was over last week!")

opt

Thats right, Opt, I forgot about you. Now that I think about it, every couple I know of [spanning 9 years] who did't move, ended up divorced.

One thing is for sure, every couple I can think of DID have to move. But the ones who moved FAST saved their marriages. The ones who didn't, had to move because of a divorce.

No, no, and no.
Even if your husband has the best of intentions (a point on which you should not take his word, but rather should insist upon proof in the form of action), the constant contact will undermine any chance of recovery. It will prevent him from killing his emotional infatuation with her and will perpetuate the affair.

You must expose the affair. You must expose it to the other woman's husband, who is the person whose knowldege will be MOST helpful in killing the affair for good. Your husband's "friendship" with this guy is of no consequence, because your husband is no friend to this man at all. Friends don't boink their friends' wives.

Furthermore, you can't remain long in proximity to the other couple. One of you must move.

I'm sorry, this isn't what you want to hear. But it's what you need to hear. If you don't expose the affair to the other woman's husband, and if you stand for your husband & the other woman remaining in such close proximity, then you would be best off saving time and hiring a lawyer. Unless you want to share your husband with her.

I am not trying to be harsh. I have no standing to speak to you harshly. I am a man who got into an affair with a married woman. I loved my wife, I was mostly happy in my marriage, but I got into an affair anyway. And the thing that ended it was when the other woman got found out by her husband's private investigator. Not my occasional guilt, not my good intentions of ending it someday (later) by mutual agreement with the other woman who was even more infatuated with me than I was with her, but only the light of day was what ended my affair. It's what backed me into a corner & gave me the minimal backbone to face my wife & confess to her & try to save my marriage.

Have you told OWH, Mabel?

And another one (M) bites the dust...

Bingo.

The reason he is being so nice to you and OWH is b/c he doesn't want anyone tipping over his cake eating cart.

It should not matter that he "enjoys" a friendship w/ OWH. How sick is THAT, BTW? He's not a friend to that man. In any sense of the word.

Please take our advice and tell OWH today.

This is the only thing he is being honest about. He still has feelings for her b/c the A is still on going.



Bull chit. He doesn't want to feel the consequences of his actions when OWH gets angry....very very angry.

But more importantly, he doesn't want OWH to interfer in his ongoing affair w/ his wife.

Tell him today.

Marshmallow, if I didn't feel so sorry for Mabel, I'd actually find this phrase hilarious.

In fact, the thickness of the fog is such that he probably said it with a straight face!
And it's obviously contagious because Mabel repeated it back to us with an equally straight face.

I don't think MAbel has been on MB for a while, has she answered anybody?
blessing

I went back to lurking around the forum. I was too scared to take your advice to tell OWH, even though I knew it to be good advice. On DDay I had promised not to say anything, thinking that he was sure to find out. I mean, I found out, right? So surely he would, too.

On July 31st, I discovered that WH and OW had been texting each other up to 300 times a day. I didn't have the actual messages, just the cell phone records. I told WH that I had proof of the texting and he claimed that the texts were not romantic in any way. That they were in contact about how WH and I were ~recovering~ and other inconsequential things. 300 times a day. I was so angry and jealous. How could he have so much to say to her and so little to say to me? I told him that this was as much a betrayal as any other aspect of the affair and he promised to quit. As far as I can tell from the records there have been no calls or texts since (and no secret phone). Until today, as I will explain in bit.

I have been avoiding any contact of my own with OW, although I know my WH has continued to wave and ask a friendly "How are you?" whenever he feels like it. Even with me right next to him. (BTW, how inconsiderate is that?!?) He has also continued socializing with OWH as if nothing has happened. The only time I specifically addressed the affair with OW was on my birthday. She approached me in my driveway, in front of WH and a neighbor to give me a birthday gift. Awkward. After WH and the neighbor were gone, I went to her home - she was sitting outside. (Have I mentioned how having her present and visible in my daily life is SUCH a PITA?) I gave her gift back to her and told her "I don't want this. I don't want anything. Stay away from me. Stay away from my husband. Stay off of my driveway, off of my lawn and away from my door." Have I mentioned she still feels comfortable "borrowing" a cup of sugar, or whatever, when I'm not home? WH has no problem with this. Kind of like how she "borrowed" my husband. Sorry, just needed to vent for a minute.

The reason I wanted to post was to say that OWH knows, now. Not from me, although reading this forum and the frustration of watching time pass had me much closer to doing the deed. OW talked too much to too many people. She told a friend from her church who told someone else and so OW was approached by two couples from her church who live in our neighborhood (and thus, know us as well). They gave her 24 hours to tell her H or they would do it for her. All under the guise of saving her soul. Personally, I think they did the wrong thing for the wrong reasons. But the result is that she told him herself, this morning. I know all of this because she advised my WH so he would be prepared for the fallout. WH has been showing me all texts from OW and to OW as things developed. OWH is visibly upset. I saw him outside today. He has not yet spoken to me or to WH.

I am hoping that what happened today will give WH a kick in the pants. He loves me, I know he does. We don't talk as much as I would like, but when we do he says he is done with lying, that he is trying to be the man he wants to be for me, that he wants me and our marriage. But he is still foggy (thinking "just neighborly" contact with OW is OK and I'm the one who needs to get over it). I have been doing what is, I guess, a modified Plan A. Being loving and supportive and trying not to commit any LBs. Not talking too much about my pain. I have been losing weight and we go to his gym together often. We are having more and better SF. I read SAA and so much of the information on this forum. So far, though, I have been unable to get him to read any books. We are not getting 15-20 hours UA, but the time we do have is well spent, IMO. I have told him, only when he asks, that I am NOT happy with our situation, that our home is no longer a safe place for me and that I want to move.

Now, our neighbors delivered the stick and OWH is aware of the affair. WH is upset at their interference (big surprise). My thought is that maybe WH will also become uncomfortable here and think seriously about moving. Once we are somewhere else, NC can really be established in a way that living next door to OW makes impossible. I am ready for WH to focus on me and my recovery and our marriage. My needs take a back seat again today due to the drama and trauma of OWH becoming aware of the affair. But I am being patient and seeing what comes from it.

Thanks for listening.

I am so sorry that you choose to be an enabler and refuse to fight for your marriage. What a sick, sad lesson to show your children. The plan you are in is called "Plan C" for "compromise" by Dr Harley and he states it is the most likely to lead to divorce.

It is very hard to save a marriage when you choose to be an enabler. Dr Harley addresses you enablers on his radio show here: click here

You seriously have the nerve to stand in judgement of them for doing what you should have done a long time ago? At least someone in this scenario had the BASIC HUMAN DECENCY to warn the OWH what your sleazy husband and the OW were doing to him behind his back. Thank God there are some human beings in your town that care about their fellow man.

I'm sorry this is not a plan A. You don't modify plan A. Plan A has TWO parts. Not one, and maybe if you feel like it the second. Not one and a half.

TWO PARTS:
A demonstration that you can be a good wife.
Destruction of the affair.

You've done plan Mabel - or Plan C for "compromise".

You are guaranteeing the failure of your marriage.

Your husband will not come to his senses and I GUARANTEE you that your marriage will fail if you continue being neighbors.

I will also say that you are absolutely the worst kind of friend to the OMH. You wanted this to just blow over and so you have become an ACCOMPLICE in the crime your husband and the OW committed.

You HELPED to destroy this man. You have COMPOUNDED the pain he is feeling by prolonging his ignorance.

All for your own cowardice.


The did the right thing for ALL the right reasons. They are people that actually CARE about this poor, betrayed man and his marriage.

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

They have it.

What do you have?

A wayward husband who has born little consequences for his actions as you seem determined to let him walk all over you.


Actually, once the dust settles, I'm sure he's more upset over the AFFAIR and being made to look like the town fool - where everyone knew what his wife was doing but him. INCLUDING his 'friends'.


Patience won't save you - it just tells your husband that your needs aren't that important.

You must demand active measures to ensure NC. You must demand a move - and you gotta start looking TOMORROW for a new place to live.

I'm sure you're not going to like this post. But I'm trying to help you save your marriage. It's hard to watch someone barreling towards a cliff at 90mph with a grin on their face.

Please, Mable, stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Even though I don't agree with their handling of the situation (it just seems like blackmail to me), I am grateful for the result and for the fact that OWH has been told. I have felt from the first that it was his right to know (and regretted my promise almost immediately). Until I started reading here, I thought it was her responsibility to tell him. As it turns out, while I worked up my courage (with the words of so many of you ringing in my ears) others stepped in and did what I should have done.

Making a bad promise is no excuse to do the wrong thing. The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. You made a decision instead to aide and abet this affair behind this poor mans' back all this time. That is about as bad as it gets.

Saying you were "waiting for courage" is NO EXCUSE, MADAM. Courage is a CHOICE that you refused to make. There is no excuse for the fact that you have HELPED your husband conduct his affair with this mans' wife. You drove the getaway car.

When this poor man finds out you helped them carry on this affair he will not think kindly of you. Nor should he.

Actually - these friends probably did the best they could in the situation. They acted from a desire to save this marriage because they understood that knowledge and exposure was the only way to go. But they also cared enough for the OW that they wanted to provide her an opportunity to maintain some integrity and come clean herself.

Now, whether it was the BEST way, who knows - but they acted out of love for this woman, her husband and in support of their marriage.

I can't imagine why you would have a problem with this.

Mabel,

You are waiting for recovery of your M through your WH, your neighbors, the OWH, anyone but yourself.

I know you are scared and it is ok. It is much scarier later when you will go through with a D that you do not want.

I know you say you don't have money to move. Well when you get D it will be much more financially devastating and if your H is a stay at home husband good chance you will be financing their A after the divorce.

I know this is harsh but open your eyes, realize you did nothing wrong and stand for your M.

Mabel,

Actually, you have still a chance to do the right thing.

I am pretty sure that OW didn't give full information to OWH about the affair and tried to minimize it as much as she could.

Contact OWH yourself immediately and give him all the information you have about the affair. Apologize for not doing this earlier and DO NOT warn your WH.

I'm sorry that you were too scared to follow the advice. Your situation was predictable and continues to do so.

Expose the affair and move away. There is no other way to save your marriage.

I exposed and it was the best thing I could do for me and for my wife.