Right on JL.. They need to both get real with each other, they are not sharing each others weaknesses or failures or doing anything to support themselves or each other. What a rip off for both of them.

Thanks guys more good feedback.

I really felt as though we were making progress, he has cooked meals for me, asked me to spend some time with me, then talked about stuff we were going to do to the house in the future.

However, no commitment. Anyway H came home from golf last night about 8pm. I was watching TV and he came in, I asked him how his golf trip went, he seemed pretty miserable, and said it was ok. He said his BF annoyed him a bit, and that it was not much fun. So I said to him I am upset that you couldn't let me know what time you were going to be back, he was just silent. I then said I sent you a response to your text but heard nothing back from you? He then got irritated and said, what is it you want Hitch I sent you a text. I then responded you are away all weekend and all you can do is send me a text saying hi how was your day, and I then respond and get nothing back. I then added I feel a little old to be communicating with my H by text. Again, silence from him. I was pretty tired shortly after that so went to bed.

This morning, we were both up and he said you seem pretty quiet are you ok? I said not really I feel really upset about the whole situation, he just responded ok I understand, then we both just walked away I said I really didn't want to get into it just before work so I said bye and left.

Is this a good start? Tonight I am going to tell him that his independant behaviour is upsetting me, and the fact that he is planning a solo skiing trip has upset me too. I will then say he needs to decide what he wants, do you want to be single or do you want to be married? Does this seem a good approach?

Thanks guys, I am embarrassed I am so useless at this, I just love him so much I am scared of losing him and that he does not want me. However, I need to sort this mess out for the good of both of us, whatever happens.

If someone can tell me what is going with him that would be good, is this normal, can this be recovered?

OK I wimped out but its a start.

I phoned him on the way to work to talk to him, and he was busy and called me back and I was busy at work so couldn't speak. I told him I couldn't speak as I was at work. So sent him a message saying

Cant talk I am at work. I am really struggling. I missed you this weekend and all I got was a lousy text, then I see your planning a ski trip. Your indepedant behaviour is really upsetting me. I am not angry I am just sharing how I feel.

I'm shaking, his response

Wow thats possibly the most honest you've ever been! I know I can't turn back time but I've been so hurt by you and in turn don't know how to fix things. So many things have happened and I can't get my head around a future. I know I love you but you still snoop which I understand but it proves there is no trust on either side x.

My response to H:

I only snoop because I have had no reassurance from you that you are no longer in contact with the other women. There have been texts on your phone and you have been swapping fb messages only last week. I can trust you again, I just need to know all contact has been cut off. I know you hate me snooping but I need to know if you are still contacting them. I love you very much more than anything. Anything worth having is worth fighting for x.

H response

are you reciting one of cheryl coles songs x

my response

Ha Ha, i thought you would find that funny. I had an affair and frankly that was beyond contempt (JLS line). Just taking responsibility for the affair is not fighting for the marriage, but communication with complete honesty is. We can build the most amazing marriage, I know how to. I love you always x.

I need to tell him all of this. I am fighting for him I am not going to let him go.

Ok got home and H asked me out to dinner....confused?

Hitch2007, this is a process, you will be confused, but all you can be is honest about how you feel, be gentle in your approach and make sure he knows you understand his point of view and make sure he knows he has choices as well if that is what he choses.
Enjoy your supper, try to laugh at little while you discuss your relationship, keep in light and tell him this is a slow process in figuring what both of you want and need in this relationship........
one step in front of the other, slowly, he needs to feel safe with you again, he needs to understand that you will be there for him as well, it's not just about you...it's about both your needs......
good luck, keep us posted...

It maens you go out like to a restaurant and eat. Most of the time it is a sign of affection for someone you care about or want to spend time with.

There, that should clear up any confusion...

Ha ha glad that amused you Constant! I got myself in such a stew I thought he was going to take me out and DUMP me!

Who said I was negative thinker? Not true!

Had lovely evening, got so brave when we left the restaurant I even slipped my arm through his. Woo hoo. Whatever next? So happy right now.

happy for you hitch, baby steps, feels great doesn't it..........enjoy every minute....

Lol, great Hitch!

I was picking on you of course. Yeah that negative thinking and fortune telling tendicy.


Have you picked a time when you can table your marrige and it future? I know you didn't talk relationship on your date but its time to dream together on recovery soon and what you both can do to make it so.

JL maybe can help in what he thinks on this. As long as H isn't out paryting without you things are obviously going in the right direction. Don't let personal pain and real issues slide into limbo IMO it they will fester and pop up as an infection later. Plus wouldn't it be great to trust each other again and to know that there are no secrets between you?

Glad you had a good time, you both needed it.

Hitch,

You said Hitch it seems he is trying a little but you need to tell him what is in your heart. Have you considered talking the points I and others have mentioned and putting it in a letter for him to read? Perhaps it will be easier for you if you do this.

The man needs to know what is in your heart, but more importantly YOU NEED to tell him what is in your heart. It is really getting to you to hold all of this in, that is evident from your posts.

What you need to tell him is not nearly as painful as him finding out about your affair, or you finding about his. It is time Hitch. Speak up for your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Hi guys

Firstly just like to thank you all for your continued supper to get me to this point. Reading others posts who have just joined the discussion forum, makes me realise how far I have moved on. I read one post from a WW, I think her name is VT. The post was saying how her head was throbbing and spinning with all the advice and she didn't know where to start. Boy do I remember that feeling. Then you read other stories such as hopeful person, and that really does make you realise what strong, dedicated people there are out there.

Before I came here I always wonderedif people can change their bad ways and now I know they can IF they want to.

Sometimes I do wonder if I am capable of doing what I did again? I don't want this to come across the wrong way, jeez, but I know I sunk that low before, when I was really depressed, what happens if I get that way again? Please don't take this the wrong way, I am just so traumatised by what I have done everything crosses my mind. I am very concious of men looking at me or talking to me in a sexual way, it actually makes me cringe now. Also my boss told me the other day that he left his first wife and child for his second wife, o have really lost respect for him! Anyway I am rambling.

Yes it is really time to bare my soul to my husband. No rest for the wicked! Actually not dreading that at all, really looking forward to that. I think this may open the flood gates and I do hope my poor H ears don't bleed!!

JL do you mindme asking why do you think this is a good idea? Do you think that this will being him back to me? I do think it is a good idea and will mainly live the fact that my H will know me better.

I am feeling so much more at peace lately, it's lovely. Last night when I went out with my H I felt huge surges of love for him. After all I put him through he is still here, talking to me, sitting beside me....i did have a moment of pure romance whenwe walked across the field and the big bright moon was out, it felt so tranquil.

forgot to say a BIG hello to Saddest, I really hope that things are going well for you. Thank you so much for caring that you came back to post on my thread. You sure dish out some 2x4, but you
can take them too!!

I think the letter sounds like a really good idea.

Good night, Hitch x

Hi Hitch,

This is an easy one.

It is a good idea because it is clear from your posts that you are feeling things for him again and no matter how this marriage turns out you will always regret not telling him of your love, of your deep sorrow, and of your hopes for the future. You will never regret telling him these things as well as the things you need from a good marriage. If you don't you will always wonder "what if" and that is not a good way to lead your life.

My bet is that he may pull away at first, just because the emotions that your words will stir up will be INTENSE. He may not talk to you for a few days, typical of us guys as we retreat to our cave and contemplate things. But, I suspect that as your actions match your words and your words sink in, he will start to be drawn to them. this will not happen overnight, just as with hopeful_person, it is a process and it takes time. It took her 4 years to realize what she was doing and what she lost. He took her H years to overcome the trauma of what she did. He did not talk to her, but he still had love for her.

You and your H don't have this history, but I would not be surprised if his response isn't similar. You must remember you want him in conflict and when you tell him your deepest feelings you will put him in conflict. He will be conflicted with the natural desire to protect himself, his image, and then there is the love he has for you and you have for him, can he walk away? He doesn't know.

When you tell him your heart, your fears, your needs, he will be conflicted and that will force him to think about himself and you. If after you tell him, you continue to be kind, be loving, and respect yourself (protect your boundaries), then he may well see that there is hope and that he might actually be safe with you.

Just remember it is a process and it is not a linear one. H_P found this out as have many others on this site, but if you don't do these things you will regret it.

Those are my thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Now I'll handle this easy one.

Think of what the consequences were the last time. How sleazy you felt, how you hurt someone that loved you, but most of all, how you hurt YOU. This is not about marriage at any cost, comparisons are allowed to good relationships but if you sink low enough in the boundaries that protect yourself and do not fight for what is right for you, and for H, believe me you will regret it.

Ok, I will make a scriptural comparison that is easy to understand. Why does Satan love it when people don't beleive he exists? Remember hes a spirit, not a little guy on our shoulder with a pitchfork, thats for little kids.

He appears to us as the angel of light and beautiful, everything he says makes sense to our emotions. He was Gods most perfect angel and even assisted in creating the earth before he fell from grace out of being jealous of us because God said he was going to create a being not perfect and would need grace to exist. He knows the bible and us better than anyone on the earth, and if the garden of eden is any spiritual example, he knows how to get to us through our vanity and emotions.

To answer the question Satan wants us to remain obliviuos to him because then we can be used and destroyed and hurt because he hates us cuz God loves us. He can trick us with dire consequences and make us feel we have no hope. He can seperate us from God and his love and guidance. He figures,(masculine He because it refers to initiation), if we don't know He exists, and call it all silly superstition for old people and children, of course as grown ups we won't seek a relationship with God.

Satan hides and says I am not and God says I am.

I think you know God is all about relationship. Whether you believe in Him or not, you now realize how dropping your boudaries and self respect can devestate you. Next time you get angry about your life and are tempted to drop that low I pray you will have the guts to deny yourself such a poisonous answer and instead deal with the relationship instead. Your fear of what it would do to you should enforce that boundary. Yes, some things need to be feared. Sometimes it is with pain we learn that, but we either learn or repeat the behavior. Will you humble yourself that you need to learn and that you make mistakes? I think so.

So don't beat yourself up forever Hitch, but don't forget the consquences that came from the A. Its that simple and believe me, there are lots of roads that look good untill you take them. You know that in this case anyway. Imagine what could be if you let God rule your marriage? zact opposite, believe it.

Right on as usual JL, You have stated and I have felt too that Hitch is afraid of conflict and this is one of her main misunderstandings don't you think?

Conflict is nessesary to growth Hitch, welcome it as you grow together within it in your marriage. Healthy dissagreements that are handled with maturity and with fairness are the norm in a strong relationship,any relationship,but esspecially with someone you share your life with.



Now I'll handle this easy one.

Think of what the consequences were the last time. How sleazy you felt, how you hurt someone that loved you, but most of all, how you hurt YOU. This is not about marriage at any cost, comparisons are allowed to good relationships but if you sink low enough in the boundaries that protect yourself and do not fight for what is right for you, and for H, believe me you will regret it.

Ok, I will make a scriptural comparison that is easy to understand. Why does Satan love it when people don't beleive he exists? Remember hes a spirit, not a little guy on our shoulder with a pitchfork, thats for little kids.

He appears to us as the angel of light and beautiful, everything he says makes sense to our emotions. He was Gods most perfect angel and even assisted in creating the earth before he fell from grace out of being jealous of us because God said he was going to create a being not perfect and would need grace to exist. He knows the bible and us better than anyone on the earth, and if the garden of eden is any spiritual example, he knows how to get to us through our vanity and emotions.

To answer the question Satan wants us to remain obliviuos to him because then we can be used and destroyed and hurt because he hates us cuz God loves us. He can trick us with dire consequences and make us feel we have no hope. He can seperate us from God and his love and guidance. He figures,(masculine He because it refers to initiation), if we don't know He exists, and call it all silly superstition for old people and children, of course as grown ups we won't seek a relationship with God.

Satan hides and says I am not and God says I am.

I think you know God is all about relationship. Whether you believe in Him or not, you now realize how dropping your boudaries and self respect can devestate you. Next time you get angry about your life and are tempted to drop that low I pray you will have the guts to deny yourself such a poisonous answer and instead deal with the relationship instead. Your fear of what it would do to you should enforce that boundary. Yes, some things need to be feared. Sometimes it is with pain we learn that, but we either learn or repeat the behavior. Will you humble yourself that you need to learn and that you make mistakes? I think so.

So don't beat yourself up forever Hitch, but don't forget the consquences that came from the A. Its that simple and believe me, there are lots of roads that look good untill you take them. You know that in this case anyway. Imagine what could be if you let God rule your marriage? zact opposite, believe it

Constant - That really does help you know, I am just so frightened that I got in that dark place before how do I know how I will behave if I go there again. I would like to think that it would never happen again as I have boundaries in place now and also I will always make sure I communicate with my H A LOT, if he agrees to recover our marriage, so that resentment does not build. I know I would not do it, I just want to make sure I cover every angle. I really don't like conflict you know and will go to great lengths to avoid it, but am starting to see it not as conflict but as growing together. My only challenge is to get my H to see it not as 'nagging' but as communicating honestly and openly.

JL - I am already constructing the letter in my head and will write it this weekend whilst he is away. I do love him so, and its getting stronger by the day, not sure why this is, but the love I have for him is so strong right now. Is this because I am communicating more? Is this because I realise what a good, kind man he is? It feels nice though. Sometimes I am on edge when I spend time with him, its because it is a reminder of the pain I caused him. I am worried that he just won't be able to get past how much I hurt him and don't know what to do to help him. Everything suggested thus far, has seemed to work though, as my H seems to be giving 'a little'. Do you think the signs are good? Do you think he is likely to pull the plug any day? I think he loves me too much, but my challenge now is getting him to commit to both of us recovering and building a great M.

When I read HP posts about why she had the affair, she described it like a breakdown. I can relate to this in someway. More and more as I have come out of the fog and time passes I wonder why I did it. For me it felt like self healing, like a cry for help, like an escape. I think hard about this a lot, mainly because I think it is important for my H to know. My H did understand how I described to him, that when I realised I made a mistake I dug a hole deeper and deeper into the ground, and I was a coward trying to run away from myself. The part he doesn't understand is, why did I do it in the first place? I remember waking up with OM the first morning after our A began and receiving a text from my H, asking me to book some time off work to go away for the weekend. My first gut reaction to the text was, its too bloody late now. Anger, I think, was why I did it, anger and resentment that I had let build up over years.

I am frightened, as my H said in his text, that he can't get his head around a future with me. Is this normal and would appreciate some guidance on how I help him?

Thanks again.

Hitch.

Just had a session on my own with Steve Harley. I always feel worse after these sessions not sure why but he always brings something up that my H has mentioned that I don't like.

I explained to him that one minute my H seems warm and then goes cold and he feels that there maybe some outside influences. I have explained that I don't think its his friends as I have seen quite a few of them but it is more likely to be his family. That when he speaks to them they are against it and this has too much of an influence over him. SH agreed and said he asked my H about it in the session and he told him that they were very against a reconciliation. It makes me so mad, really angry. They never liked me even before they had the A. SH said this is secondary at the moment and I should not get upset about it. He also agreed that it was a bad idea for me to confront his mother alone, and said what is that going to do? She has already said she is against it she will just take pleasure from telling you you made your bed and if you do it you should do it as a united front.

He seems to think that progress is good but need to start addressing barriers for example SF. He said I need to make more attempts at this in line with what HP did! That I might get rejection as attempts such as these will be focusing on fixing the wounds of the affair which are going to hurt H.

So much more work to do, I have not nearly run out of energy as the thought if the rest of my life happily married to my H keeps me going. Although sometimes I do get very down about it.

I can't help it but if we do reconcile, after some time I have decided that we should move away from his family. H has suggested this before......