I've been reading a lot of threads on refusing the "Fantasy Divorce" lately, trying to get some sense of whether or not what I did was the right thing. My husband of 10 years suddenly moved out to "find himself". After 3 months of this, I began to suspect an affair and cut all ties with him. Up til then he was coming and going as he pleased, being a family when he wanted, sharing a bed on occasion, etc., then running off back to a separate zip code to (without my knowledge) have his affair in private.

I had never heard of MB prior to the marriage ending, so I didn't know about any of these concepts. But a book I was reading, "Co-Dependent No More" instructed the need to cut ties with the Wayward spouse so he could truly see what he was missing, so I did.

When I did, instant relief on his part. He IMMEDIATELY moved in with the OW and they began to play house with my kids during visitation. This was the first time I knew of OW's existence. I tried to play nice with them for a bit, but as he continued to walk all over me without a care or concern for his kids or his wife, I yanked visitation from 3 weekends a month to every other weekend, and cut all ties with him.

From that point on, the relationship between us was destructive. He went out of his way to hurt me, often in front of the kids, tried to take them from me, cut me off financially, etc. All the while I am avoiding all contact with him as much as possible.

Now, he has moved to another state with OW, barely has any relationship with his kids except for the occasional phone call, and is not supporting us like he is supposed to.

I guess I just needed a little reassurance that I did the right thing. The kids miss their dad and we are struggling financially. Could I have made a mistake here?

Hey FPM, I've been keeping up with your thread and think you're doing a wonderful job. Your situtation was much different than mine, so I can't comment from experience. But, I do know enough that the following is clear.

Two things: You've done nothing wrong and none of this is your fault.

If you had continued plan "C" (compromise), it may have put off your WH moving in with the OW for a little while so that he could cake-eat, but it would have just prolonged the inevitable. Meanwhile, it would have ripped you apart.

The way your WH reacted so irrationally leading up to the divorce is entirely on him. His actions were guided by extreme selfishness, while he tried his best to put aside the guilt and shame of what he's done to you and his family. Not mixture conducive to good decision making.

Of course the kids miss their dad, but I'm sure you saw their confusion when they "played" family with him and the OW.

Here's a story I heard just the other day of a colleague who went through divorce. Both her and her husband were well educated (phd's) and he had just made tenure at the local university. They had beautiful twin daughters at 8-9 years old. Well, you know the story, he started messing around with the department secretary and it eventually lead to their divorce. The divorce was fairly quick and easy, they ended up with 50/50 split custody and the wife stayed in the house.

Well, a couple months later one of the girls starts acting out and having trouble in school. It ends up that when they were with the father (he moved in with the secretary and her kids), a clear preference was shown to the stepchildren and the twins were treated as second class citizens. With this dynamic they began staying less and less with the father while he played house with his step children. His work started to suffer and ended up taking a job elsewhere and custody was changed to primary for the wife, with holiday and summer visitation.

Things got worse as the father would make arrangements to get them for a holiday, but would find an excuse to back out. Same thing for summer visits. Now the woman is back in court seeking full custody with no visitation.

Moral of the story, affairs can change people into someone totally unrecognizable from what they started out as. Once they first compromise their values by cheating, it becomes easier and easier to compromise any other morals they used to live by.

I heard this story and it reminded me of yours. All you can do is make a clean break and do your best to raise guide the children with the values you would like to instill. Imagine the mess you'd be cleaning up if things unfolded like the story I told you.

Hi fellspoint,

Even if you played his game and remained nicey nice there is a good chance it would have gone to this same situation.

Waywards are nuts and feed into drama. How would YOU have handled still putting up with your WH crumbs?

We all question ourselves and decisions we made. "What if" runs through our brains.

My cousin had an A on her husband and broke up years ago. They actually get together for holidays with her daughter from 1st M, DD they share together and whatever new man/woman that each is dating.

I could not handle that situation. I loved my XH but know that as long as he is with PP he is unreachable. It would be too painful to be his "friend".

Don't doubt yourself but it is a great question.

If he is going to continue to live in his affair, then the best possible thing for you and your kids is to never see him again. You did the right thing.

It would have been terribly destructive to your kids for you to make sacrifices just to try to keep this loser around.

Obviously it would have been better if he would have reformed and come home and cut off contact with the other woman and built a spectacular marriage with you. But nothing you do can make him do that. You could have set the bar lower and maybe kept him around, but that would not have helped anything; he would have been unhealthy for you and your children, and it never would have resulted in a good marriage.

You and your kids are incredibly LUCKY that he has disappeared. Many people are not so lucky and the wayward spouse/parent wreaks havoc on their lives for years and years and years.

I had a wayward parent and I am incredibly thankful that I got to live with the other parent and was not court-ordered to participate in visitation. I got to have the most normal high school years I could, given the circumstances.

Plan B is sometimes called "Plan Boundary". That's because your #1 responsibility while in Plan B - and the reason for going there in the first place - is to prevent any more damage to the BS or the children from waywards and OP and their selfish, delusional behaviour.

As I think you've already read - please, please do NOT allow a WS or XWS to have in divorce what they tried to have in marriage - the freedom to swing back and forth between family and OP. It is a terrible lesson for your children and makes them into second-class citizens (as you have described above), and makes a family into little more than pets that the WS/XWS drops in to visit when he/she feels like enjoying a little family time.

Families deserve full-time spouses and full-time parents. Being a part-time spouse or a part-time parent should NEVER be an option.

Let the WS visit with the children as allowed by the legal system, but NOT EVER with the ex-betrayed spouse present pretending to be a part-time family. Children should never, ever be used this way (providing WS/XWS with the enjoyment of a little family time when convenient).

Anyone who wants Family Time should earn it through the committment of full-time marriage and full-time parenting. Children should learn from day one that that's the ONLY way anyone gets the privilege of having a family and the enjoyment of Family Time.

But the WS/XWS wants the single life? Fine. Single people don't have families. Have a nice day.

Thanks. I keep feeling there is something I could have or should have done to facilitate a less destructive divorce. Which is final today, by the way. I guess I needed assurance. I knew when I didn't just roll over and accept the situation and the terms he dolled out that it would be war. And it was.

And he doesn't want to be single. He wants a family with OW replacing me.

{{{{hugs}}}} Divorce day is not a relief just an infliction of the pain.

We all did the woulda, shoulda, coulda. We can only change ourselves.

Do not feel guilty because of your kids. Would not have changed the outcome.

There is no such thing as the "fantasy divorce". The war would have happened anyway. He's an out of control wayward. By removing yourself and your kids when you did, you avoided a whole lot of extra damage.

Then let me add: Families are NOT interchangeable and replaceable. The most he will get is time with the kids and *just* the kids, for as long as they are willing. No doubt his fantasy is that the kids will accept OW as their new mom and everything will be rainbows and chocolates and they won't even notice you're gone. This has to be shot down immediately and it looks like you did that - good.

Of course there isn't - but waywards often try and sometimes seriously delude themselves into thinking such things can happen. It's good for a BS or STBXBS to be prepared for their ex to try this.