My guy and I were high school sweethearts that have reunited after our divorces. His ex was repeatedly unfaithful. We've been engaged since June of this year, and now I'm seeing lots of trust issues.. He had a "freak out" (his phrase) last night over a social networking site glitch (his cell phone said I had blocked him from viewing my page --I hadn't and wouldn't). I knew (know) that trust will be an issue and I have no problem working to make our life together work, but I have no idea where to even start....

hey hurtgurl - I posted this response in your original thread in OT - reposting here so you can see it:

Does your fianc�e know about Marriage Builders? It is a great program that when practiced fully creates a lifestyle that makes your relationship affair-proof.

Having gone through the pain of adultery, it is understandable that he is skittish. The MB program can also help him with his own personal recovery so he can move past the horrible crimes that have been committed against him.

Often the victims of adultery have described their ordeal as worse than having been raped or losing a child (this isn't hyperbole, this is from people who have experienced both.)

In this sense, you can think of your fianc�e as the victim of an emotional rape. If your best friend were a rape victim you would be compassionate and loving as they dealt with the trauma inflicted upon them. I'd say your fianc�e needs the same thing. He is triggering and emotionally reliving the feelings that his wife's infidelities caused in him.

I'd encourage you to look at the MB program together, as it provides valuable resources to ensure the success of your marriage. Your fianc�e could also post here where others who have been where he is can provide him advice and support.

There are ways to deal with and eliminate triggers. There is a lifestyle you could lead that would reassure him of his security with you, and prevent 'freak outs'.

I'd suggest you start with the book I Promise You. Then look at getting His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters eventually.

How often does your fianc�e contact his ex? Are there children involved?

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post!


My fianc�e and his ex have a 6 yr old, so there is face-to-face contact at drop off/pick up plus daily "update" phone calls.

He says these brief conversations are child-centered (and I completely believe him) and that he doesn't see that as a factor. But he also doesn't think that the issue is "trust". In truth, I don't think he knows what he's thinking/feeling. When I suggested that instead of putting energy into planning a wedding next year and get the basics (ie trust) down first, he did lots of backpedaling saying "it's not a big thing - let's just forget it. I'm sorry I worried you." I made it clear that I wasn't meaning that I wanted out - just that I want us to have a strong healthy TRUSTING marriage.

It seems like he has 'head in the sand' syndrome. Rather than try to actually WORK through what he has been through, he wants to just push it behind him.

The problem is that you can't just sweep over this. His 'freak outs' occur BECAUSE he is trying to sweep over this. Honestly, it sounds like he is triggering.

He upset and accused you. That IS a big thing - because he hurt you. And rather than address WHY he hurt you, so he can avoid doing it again, he tells you to forget it. That is not a good sign going into this marriage.

I would read up on MB. It really does guarantee that your marriage will be successful. Not only will it provide tools to navigate his recovery from the affair and deal with triggers, it will provide a framework with which to discuss difficult issues without saying 'forget it'.

I'd look into the books I mentioned, and sit down and tell your fianc�e that you felt disrespected when he told you to 'forget it'. That you are interested in a healthy, strong, passionate marriage like the one MB can provide, and invite him to explore MB with you.

There�s going to be some residual anxiety from his previous marriage that comes into yours. I think it is good that he acknowledges that he over-reacted.

How long have you been together? Does it bother you that he interacts with his ex regarding his kid?
How old are you?

Are you prepared for the fact that you will have to deal with his ex and his child for as long as that child lives?

That�s a very tall order. I�m lucky I found a woman that accepted that in my current marriage. She knows I have to deal with my ex regularly because of my kids. She also knows that they are going to take a significant time from our marriage. She was on board with all of it before we got married.

These are all things you need to confront and get an understanding on before heading down the aisle.

I'm crazy about my future SD! I'd naturally love it if we could have SD all the time and I never had to deal with his ex, but I know that's not gonna happen. We're civil to each other, and it doesn't bother me at all when they talk or see each other. I have no concerns about any type of unfaithfulness between them (or on his part with anyone at all). I know that there will be challenges being a SM, but I also feel that with a whole lotta help from up above, I'll be able to be a positive influence on SD's life. (I'm 29 BTW).

My fianc�e has always been willing to do whatever it takes so that we do have a good relationship. This is the 1st time that we're really not seeing eye-to-eye on an issue. We have plans to talk more tomorrow night (we're taking a breather) and I've already printed half of the MB web site to take with me!

What exactly are you not agreeing about?

My current wife had some flashback moments with me where she brought some of her baggage from her ex into our marriage. Those issues have largely passed, so far, but it takes open discussion about them to deal with them.

I wouldn't accuse him of anything, but I would mention to him that you got the impression that he's worried about you and about infidelity.

Tell him you believe in total openness and feel there is nothing to hide between married couples and are willing to work with him in easing his anxieties.

Don't get too wrapped around the axle, though, that this is going to be some massive problem.

Finally, just as a side bit of advice: remember that the marriage is a day for both of you. It isn't about who shows up and where they sit and that all be perfect. It's about your union into marriage.

My W and I took that approach to our wedding and we had a very relaxed, low stress wedding.

Take that simply as general advice and nothing more.

Finally, get premarital counseling, where such thigns will be brought up for you guys to discuss.

The biggest thing is that he wants to focus on "the one time" he "freaked out." I want to find out the cause so we can work on it and not have "freak outs" on a regular basis.

We agree on almost everything else (we want the small, very kid friendly wedding and are planning on premarital counseling) so the fact that this is a "big" issue for me and we're not seeing eye to eye really bugs me. Am I being too sensitive?

No - there really isn't a TOO sensitive when you're using MB.

If something is important to you then it is important to the marriage/relationship.

Now - it could be this is a one time freak out. It is understandable to be a bit jittery. I would simply state that you wanna discuss it because it has made you uncomfortable. Ask him to explain what he was feeling and thinking so you can understand his actions.

You don't have to make it a big thing but if you need to work through it then you need to let him know that and request that he do so with you. Do everything you can to make the conversation pleasant and safe.

The policy of Radical Honesty will be really helpful for you in navigating future potential 'freak outs'

This may be part of the problem. From the little I have read, it sounds like you made him feel bad for questioning you or made him feel you wanted him to "trust you more".

Instead of making him feel that he needs to work on a "trust issue", maybe you chould tell him that you want him to feel your life is an open book and that he is free to question you on anything he wants and to examine anything that he wants. (This is a MB principle by the way).

I will tell you as someone who has been betrayed that I if I was to D and re-marry I would be terribly triggered by someone saying the things you said to your F about needing to work on trust. Dr Harley doesn't advocate learning to trust. He advocates snooping and being completely transparent.

Is there anything else that your F has indicated concerns him or makes him nervous?

The reason that I ask is that you pointed out several times that he has trust issues... But if there was only one incident in which he freaked out?

Has he questioned you about things like who you talk to during the day? About something he has seen on FB?

If so this is NORMAL and HEALTHY. You SHOULD be telling him as many details as you can about your day, what you did and who you talked to.

Do you plan to share your passwords/phone records with each other?

Do you have any male friends/coworkers or exes that you interact with by text/FB etc? Because there is something that you are doing that is making him nervous...rather than that HE has a trust issue. My 2cents...

We talked (again) and I feel that we're in agreement on a way to resolve this issue. Thank you so much for your input!

SusieQ - I never even thought of looking at how my reactions had made the situation worse!

what is the agreement?

also the questions I asked you were not rhetorical....

SusieQ - I didn't see your second post!

The reason that I ask is that you pointed out several times that he has trust issues... But if there was only one incident in which he freaked out?

--He's only focusing one (1) time, but there have been several. This has been the biggest and in fact the first fight we've ever had.


Has he questioned you about things like who you talk to during the day? About something he has seen on FB?

--I'm naturally an open person and I want to share everything with him (and I usually do). He's very attentive, but doesn't go overboard with the "where-have-you-been-what-have-you-done-who-did-you-see" type of questions.

Do you plan to share your passwords/phone records with each other?

--A few weeks into us dating, I used his phone to show him something on fb, and ended up giving him the password, telling him it's the password to all my accounts. I gave it to him again the other night (this time in txt form, giving him "permission" to check 'em all anytime).

Do you have any male friends/coworkers or exes that you interact with by text/FB etc? Because there is something that you are doing that is making him nervous...rather than that HE has a trust issue. My 2cents...

--I work with my family so work is a non-issue. I was set up on one introduction date w/ "C" by one of my good friends last year. That was the one and only "date". The decision to leave it at one "date" was mutual. As "C" is close with my friends, I do see him on occasion, but if I know in advance that "C" will be there, I let fiancee know. (He is of course invited to attend as well, but he is with everything I do). He has no problems with "C" (in fact they play fantasy football together).

I've been trying to figure out what the "trigger" was and when we talked, he finally admitted that earlier in the week he found out about another one of his ex's PA's. Their entire marriage was "fine"-- even when she was having PA's. We want to get married in my church and pre-marital counseling is required. We've decided to do this sooner, rather than later. I've also printed lots from the MB website that we are doing together.