When I found out about my GF's infidelity I didn't want nothing to do with her anymore and told her to leave. After some hours I was thinking that we could make up.

Her parents say it makes me unstable person and potentially violent. But as I read stories about discovery of infidelity that emotional rollercoaster is something normal what happens to every betrayed partner. We also have a child together and parents think I am so cruel to throw them both out. But child was all the time at their place since I found out about her infidelities at their place and she drove to pick her things up from my apartment.

How did you manage to overcome hurt and anger and not tell your WS to leave? Does it make you a weak person if you react like that, in the heat of the moment?

butchannon, let me make sure I've got the players right - are you saying you're not married? Because if that's the case she did not commit adultery against you. Granted, I'm sure you're hurt by her deception. And I understand you've got a child together. But she isn't married to you, therefore no infidelity.

Having said that: it's common for a betrayed spouse to have mood swings, and that's probably what you are experiencing as a betrayed boyfriend, because you thought she would be true to you. You're not being unstable in the strict sense of the word.

Butchannon,

Her parents say it makes me unstable person and potentially violent.

My cousins father in law couldn�t understand why his son hitting my cousin, his wife, was a problem, the father in law hit his wife all the time.

My mother in laws mother in-law told her she should put up with my father in-laws cheating, because she herself had to watch her husband bring home prostitutes.

The moral of the story is that people justify behaviors in others they engage in themselves, but you do not have to participate in their lunacy. I don't know your in-laws but your GF may have picked up some of her morals from them.

God Bless
Gamma

Her father has cheated on her mother with neighbour. She packed her bags and she would have left if he didn't call her right then and told her it was over.

Yes it is not adultery, but the trust was gone. I don't know who could marry a person like that? I think that if she was married to me it wouldn't stop her from cheating.

There was also a question about paternity. I had to take paternity test.

No - marriage won't stop her from cheating. A Marriage Builder type marriage will though. Extraordinary Precautions will. Good Boundaries and a Radically Honest lifestyle will.

You can create a relationship that makes infidelity virtually impossible.

Are you two living together now?

If so, I would recommend you get the book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. I would ask your girlfriend if she'd be willing to counsel with the Harleys to get better relationship skills. You may want to look at getting Surviving an Affair.

It will probably take time to overcome the pain of the cheating. For a marriage in an affair it takes 2 years.

What actions is your GF taking to show you she is trustworthy? Who was the OM? Does she still contact him?

She lives at her parents' place now. I suggested her to move back in with me but she said she would like to graduate first. She also opened secret facebook account and flirt with some past friend and it is obvious they are in a relationship. At the same time she says she want to work things out with me. I really don't understand that.

She cheated on me in the beginning of the relationship with multiple guys and has one steady relationship for at least 6 months. She gave me Chlamydia (can cause infertility) and HPV (I got genital warts). She has webcam sex, she sent her nude pictures and had a dirty talk on Messenger. I have saved that dirty talk. I try to reconcile so our child could have family... But I am really desperate... She shows no remorse.

She told everyone how cruel I was for throwing her out but she didn't tell anyone why I did that because she says it is not their business. All of her friends can see our child anytime they want, I can only see our child on visitations at their place. She takes our child with her on drinks whenever one of her friends wants to see her. When I wanted to see her more it just isn't possible. But I am her father I can't understand why she behaves like that. Her parents enable her and ignore me when I am at their place on child's visitation.

Butch -

She sounds like a serial cheater. What Legal steps have you taken to protect your rights as a father? My advice would be to break it off with her.

aBetterMe

butchannnon,
Your girlfriend is a:
Liar
Cheater
Promiscuous
Child-endangerer (going out for drinks with a child in tow?? )
Immature
Irresponsible
And unremorseful.

There's my list. Let's see yours: why would you want to stay with her? Second question: What legal steps have you taken to protect yourself and your child?

From the way you describe her - trying to maintain a relationship with this woman would be toxic to both you AND the child. She seems to show no remorse nor desire to improve her behavior (in fact doesn't seem to acknowledge there is anything WRONG with her behavior).

In light of that, I would say you should file for custody of your child and move on.

She wanted to sleep two nights a week at some other place when we moved in. She said she has slept with her sister. I don't think I could believe it since her boyfriend with who she cheated on me lived in the same town.

I talked to a lawyer about custody. He said we couldn't do much since there is a lot of distance between us so I should just keep visiting my daughter at their place. I drive 5 hours in one direction after week at work and I could be there with her for 8 hours. In the beginning for first three months I didn't get anything to drink or eat I was afraid to use toilet. My GF told me if I wanted to eat I should go to restaurant.

In our country it would be difficult to get custody for father and if I won't reconcile with her i will probably have to be at their place every week for the next 25 years which scares me to death.

I am also mad at her she didn't tell me what she has done before we moved in and had a child so I could decide if I wanted to continue with her or not.

I supported her for 1,5 years, drove to work every day for more than 3 hours in each direction that she would have an apartment in the city she studied and now she and her parents treat me like crap. Her parents didn't give any money for her and paid all of our costs (rent, mobile phone, food...) I even paid for service for her car and insurance even I didn't use it. I know, it was my decision but I think they should take that in consideration now.

When I am at their place, they ignore me. I apologized to them, wrote them a letter but they just don't give a [censored] about me and our relationship with daughter. They were talking about I wouldn't sue her for custody since they think I love her to much, but why then her father said next time I would beat her?

What country are you in? Here in America you could file for custody and stand a chance of getting it as a man if you�re prepared. You stand a good chance of 50/50 if you present a good case.

Find a new lawyer, get 50/50 custody with your child.

Slovenia (it is between Italy, Austria, Hungary and Croatia).

Her parents think it doesn't matter since she cheated on me before we had a child... I can't agree with that, how could she cheat on me in the very beginning when all the things shold have been alright?

Why she couldn't show me some remorse? Why she keep continuing to cheat?

But, butchannon, she is basically a free agent and is free to play the field. You're not married.

She's not showing you remorse because she isn't remorseful. Don't get me wrong - I know the raw emotions you're feeling. But the two of you never made a real commitment to each other. You procreated.

Why she has a child with me than? Child needs a commited relationship I think. We were engaged and I think even if you are not married it is considered to be commited relationship? So anyone who isn't married could go out with other people? I think if you love someone it doesn't matter you are married or not, you just stay faithful to him. And who cheats before marriage I think marriage won't change that.

What about STDs? You can't get one if you are not married or what? I got Chlamydia which causes possible infertility and HPV which causes genital warts and possible cancer.

What about paternity? So everyone who is not married should take paternity test since it is considered that partner have more partners if he/she is not married?

What about trust? Would I be able to trust her if we will get married? I don't think so.

I think it is infidelity. And with that she shows to me she has no respect, she doesn't care about my health, about my feeling and she is one big liar. Married or not!

Why she has a child with me than? Child needs a commited relationship I think.
You could ask yourself the same question. Why did YOU have a child out of wedlock, with no commitment?

We were engaged and I think even if you are not married it is considered to be commited relationship? No. It is not a committed relationship. When you are engaged you are pledged to be committed. See how easy it is for that to change? You were engaged, but you never got married. You never made the commitment to 'forsake all others.'

So anyone who isn't married could go out with other people? Absolutely.

I think if you love someone it doesn't matter you are married or not, you just stay faithful to him.
Many have made the same mistake in thinking. Living together and marriage are not the same things.

What about STDs? You can't get one if you are not married or what? I got Chlamydia which causes possible infertility and HPV which causes genital warts and possible cancer.
Sadly, we've had posters on here whose unfaithful spouses have given them an STD. Marriage is no protection against those. Only faithfulness is.

What about paternity? So everyone who is not married should take paternity test since it is considered that partner have more partners if he/she is not married?
Yes, I think they should definitely consider paternity testing, since they aren't married and their significant other is a free agent who is permitted to 'play the field.'Unfortunately, we've had betrayed spouses on here who were sadly surprised to find out that 'their' child wasn't their's. Again, only faithfulness is a barrier to that sort of surprise.

What about trust? Would I be able to trust her if we will get married? I don't think so. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could toss her. She's already proved to you, in spades, that she is completely untrustworthy.

I think it is infidelity.
I'm not interested in quibbling further about the definition of infidelity, and you have made your decision regarding that.

And with that she shows to me she has no respect, she doesn't care about my health, about my feeling and she is one big liar. Married or not!
Sir, on this one you will get no argument from me.

Get solid legal advice about your rights to your child. Then escort her to the curb with the rest of your trash. I don't want to sound mean, but consider raising your standards on potential mates in the future.

You have every right to be angry, but I have a question for you, it might seem a little awkward in your situation right now, but think about it - why haven't you married?

This site is about marriage building, as the name says. Dr Harley has written about the marital commitment in many articles. I suggest you read this:

Preparing for Marriage

Read all of this and perhaps you realise why people here talk about free agents and stuff like this.

I also suggest that you order yourself a book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". It explains what marital commitment is and what other types of "commitments" are out there.

Yes, children need committed relationship, but yours isn't committed. Have you heard that actions speak louder that words? Your words are that your relationship is committed, yet your actions are - you haven't married her, and she has other relationships.

Butchannon - you are operating and living your life under two lies:

1. That sex is a right.
2. That marriage is a piece of paper.

You believe that it is a right for you to have sex. Sex isn't a right, it is a privileged and a responsibility. Sex is more than putting your junk inside a woman - it has much further reaching repercussions than an orgasm. You have the ability to create life, as such you are obligated to use that ability responsibly.

You have no business having sex with someone when you have not taken reasonable measures to ensure that any life you create will have the best possible life you can give them.

This includes having sex with someone who would make a good mother. Having a strong relationship as a foundation for any life that could possibly result. Securing that relationship through a commitment and vow.

You believe that somehow birth control permits you to have sex without having to worry about the responsibility. Well you've learned the hard way that that isn't the case. And now, you are stuck with a daughter who does NOT have the best life you could have given her. She does not have the best mother you could have provided for her, instead she has a lying cheater who drags her to meet scummy men. You don't have a strong relationship you have next to no relationship as the woman sees other men. You don't have any protections as you figured marriage wasn't important.

And this leads me to the second lie.

Marriage IS important. Its first purpose serves as a sieve, through which those who aren't marriage material are sifted out. Most people realize that marriage is an important commitment. If they won't marry you that tells you they are unwilling to make that commitment. Now - you may say - she made the commitment to me by agreeing to live with me.

Sorry but living together is not marriage. Living together is a TRIAL for marriage and a poor one at that (living together actually reduces your chances of a successful marriage). Living together you are still 'trying' each other out to see if you are capable of making the commitment. It's a test run that can be aborted whenever it doesn't work out.

When someone stands, before God, their family, and their intended mate and COMMITS to share their life with them, they are not just making the commitment to the person, they are making the commitment to society and will thus be held accountable for that commitment.

When someone refuses to marry - it is typically because they don't want to make that commitment or don't want it to be enforced by society. They want to be able to walk away.

So you didn't try to marry this girl. If you had she probably would have refused. Saving you from the pain you are in and preventing your poor daughter from being born into a life of pain and insecurity.

But - sometimes people who AREN'T marriage material DO get married! you say. Yes, they do. And because they got married they are provided some protections. They are entitled to certain assets, they are entitled to certain visitation and custody rights of their children. Their children are protected.

Because when you stood up and got married, the state and community also vowed to provide protections for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.

So - you believed a couple of lies and now you are complaining that your girlfriend was unfaithful and you can't see your daughter and your life is a mess - but you did VERY little to actually protect you, your life, or your daughter's.

I'm sorry - you really don't get to complain.

Yes you are undergoing pain. Yes I know it hurts tremendously. I know the pain it feels to know your child is suffering, and I can imagine the pain of knowing that YOU had a hand in creating that suffering.

A child DOES need commitment between their parents. Unfortunately you thought that having sex, shacking up and playing house = commitment.

It doesn't.

Commitment is standing before your loved ones, God, and the world and vowing to share your life with someone. If you don't you will be held to account for it.

You didn't bother to get that kind of commitment.

You are not entitled to sex. You want sex - use your hand. Until you can ensure that any possible children that result will have a stable, loving home to come to, you have no business having sex. Because birth control isn't 100%.

You know how I know this? Because I had a pretty bad pregnancy scare while I was casually sleeping with a good friend. Yeah - woke me right up. I cleaned up my act, and eventually met my husband - who I did NOT sleep with until we were married. You don't need to sleep with someone before you're married. You really don't. Sexual compatibility can be CREATED, but a child conceived out of wedlock cannot be UNCREATED (unless you're willing to deal with the messiness that is abortion).

And no - marriage is not just a piece of paper. Living together is not a substitute for the commitment that is marriage. It is a poor substitute.

You need to man up - take responsibility for your poor choices. Realize that this woman is not marriage material and there is nothing you can do to make her so. Complaining about it won't get you anywhere. You need to seek legal counsel that is aware of the laws in your country, document your wife's inappropriate behavior, and do all you can to get custody of your daughter. If possible, contact your country's equivalent of Child Protective Services (if such an entity exists) and report your wife. Your daughter needs to be removed from this toxic situation.