Scotland, I have to say......you're not giving me much hope here. Idk why I should hesitate on the divorce if he's either A. never gonna come back or B. come back and continue to be a selfish pr*ck justifying his affair.
I really don't see any hope so I'm wondering why MB suggests to do plan B for so long if it's not really gonna work anyway. I mean, if my WH cared about me and the boys then he would be here. I think I will just go ahead and divorce him. I don't see the point in waiting around just to get sh#tted on again. I really don't.

As far as the kids go, I've been stressed. I live with my parents and things are hard. I've been doing fun things with them to try to de-stress. They started pre school and i'm in school as well. going for my RN. That's pretty much it.

and i know you were trying to re focus me, but i really can't focus on much be3cause i am reminded daily that my pr*ck of a husband left me, abandoned me and my children and is getting away with it! where is JUSTICE?

My WH left me. My WH left our children. He lives WITH OW. He brings OW with him when he drops our children off(at least that's what my DSx2 tell me). He has a "free-life" while I am a single parent. He felt bad for OW because she was a single parent. He is NOT the man I married. He became someone I would probably not even be friends with, but you know what? I love him. That's it. Plain and simple. I get angry at him because I love him. If I had NO feelings for him anymore, I wouldn't get angry. I wouldn't care. I would be indifferent.

MB suggests that you do Plan B for so long because MOST affairs end within 2 years. Also, in those 2 years, if your WH doesn't come home, you should be ready to move on.

Stick to the plans and be as dark as possible. Don't focus on your WH. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time that you think about your WH, snap the band. See how long it takes for you to stop thinking about your WH. You will find days where you are actually HAPPY. They WILL come. Stick to the plans.

Also,
in the book Surviving An Affair, it points out that often waywards do not show remorse when coming back and it does not need to be a condition of recovery of love and marriage.

You rebuild from the mess if you choose at that juncture.

You might choose not to.

Once you have done plan B.....whatever the situation in the future, you have not closed doors to possibilities OR shot yourself in the foot.

I liken it to simply learning to release the need to know what will happen and laying groundwork that will only be in the betrayed spouse's best interest in the present and the future.

YK?

Who cares what he thinks, honestly? Even if he tries this, do you think anyone will see thru it? I don't...

I am sorry to ask (and if I'm wrong, then please don't be insulted) but are you sure you are staying dark? Are you checking his FB page or getting info on what's going on with him through his friends, family, etc?

While I don't have a ton of experience with Plan B, it seems typically the BS tends to start to shift focus away from the WS. Since that doesn't seem to be happening for you, I can't help but to wonder...

BTW, how's the baby doing? A few months old now, right? Gosh, I loved that stage ((Tink))

thanks everyone, your advice and input is helpful.

reading-yes i remember the part about most waywards coming back without remorse and that not needing to be a condition in order to recover the marriage and love. I just don't see how someone who has done something so heinous could NOT feel guilt or remorse. when i, (after being told i was a no good wife and that he should've never married me and wanted to divorce me), went out and got drunk and started to have sex with another man, i was SICK with guilt and was VERY remorseful. I told him he could leave me if he wanted and that i would deserve it. he CHOSE to stay and to make babies with me. I just can't wrap my head around how people can justify something like this. I admitted my sins and failures and never went down that path again. But he is willing to ruin his entire family. it boggles my mind.

susie Q- the baby is good. he's 5 months on monday. he is beautiful and a very good baby. i am staying dark except for that text i posted about. i deleted him from fb and blocked him from my emails. i need to change my phone nyumber but when i do that i will have to pay the bill right now he is paying for my cell.
the reason i am still focused on him is bc i am remembering at random times of the day all the awful things he said and then i wonder what he does for vampira and i wonder if he'll bring that witch around my kids. i worry about divorce and evverything that comes with it. i wonder if according to the Bible and my faith if i can even get married again.because of what i did early in the marriage is thrown in my face. if i committed that sin then he can leave me and it is justified. and i cannot remarry bc i'm the one who committed the sin. and you know the verse where it talks about the wife leaving the husband and if she does leave then she is to remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. dk. i might be losing faith because i wonder if God is a misogynist. seems that men get away with eVERYTHING. no consequences. i just want to see consequences for my WH's actions. he's been a victim his entire life and blames everyone but himself for everything that happens to him. he did a number on my mind and now i'm messed up. i doubt myself and i doubt that i'd ever get him back or ever find someone. i might be alone the rest of my life.and sometimes i don't even care. but then i think about him and his new woman and think that they wil have a wonderful life like my wayward uncle and his new wife who was the OW and they've been married 10 years with kids. i'm just not doing well.

Tink, it is completely NORMAL for you to have these thoughts and feelings. It is a part of the grieving process for you to question things and for you to be ANGRY. That IS what is happening here. You are grieving the life you thought you would have. The life for your children.

It is good that you are examining yourself. What you need to do is make changes to yourself and make yourself better. You don't only have to survive your WH's affair, you can thrive after it.

I know it is hard, but don't focus on what your WH is or isn't doing with Vampira. Understand this, although he may seem happy, true happiness does not come from doing horrible things to your wife and family. I too have seen affairages and affairs last much longer than the 2 year mark. I can tell you one absolute truth though, these people were NOT happy.

Focus on yourself and your children and make a better life. You can do this. Keep staying dark. Great work.

SL- Thank you! I don't want to be stuck like this FOREVER!!! ugh,thatd be a nightmare! It is good to know that it WILL get better. You've been there and others on here have and you all are telling me that it WILL get better and I trust you, although many times throughout my days I do wonder how that will happen, but I am just going to trust that it will.

I am still struggling with what to do if this ends in divorce. I really don't want to go down that road, even though I've said that I'd rather just D and get it over with, I just feel that way when I'm having really bad days. But all in all, I do NOT want to D my WH. BUT, if I end up having to do so if he never comes back or changes, then what can I do as far as remarriage? I'm a Christian. So if any Christians on here can tell me what the word teaches about divorce and remarriage I would love your input.

The way that I read it and what I'm seeing is that women cannot remarry no matter what. It SEEMS that the word is saying that men are allowed to divorce their wife for one cause only-marital unfaithfulness. But it is silent as whether or not women can D their WH for marital unfaithfulness.

Also, the verse that says if a man puts away his wife and marries another then he commits adultery against her and if a man marry the wife that was put away, then he commits adultery. Soooo.....I really don't know what to think.

Like I said in my last post, I'm wondering if God is against women in this way. I don't know. It's very confusing to me. My WH has contributed to my messed up thinking regarding what the Bible says about marriage. He used to tell me that I had to submit to him no matter what and that I needed to do what he said and not question him. Of course he also said that he would NEVER take advantage of his authority, and that I needed to trust him. He told me this is what God intended, for the woman to be in subjection to her husband. He also did not believe wholeheartedly that if a married man slept with a single woman that it would be considered adultery. He also thought it okay for him to flirt with other women and talk to them through emails, fb, myspace, and texting. As long as he knew them from work or from one of his shows, then it was "okay". But if I did it, it wasn't okay.

He had many double standards and used the Bible to prove his point. I know that he was just manipulating me. But when I read about divorce and remarriage in the Bible it really does seem like women can be treated any kind of way and are not allowed to divorce their husbands and if their husbands divorce them, they still aren't allowed to remarry. I need some help!

Your husband was using the Bible in a way that certainly was not intended. In his use, he violated the Commandment, "Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord in vain."

This commandment not only commands people not to curse using God's name, it means much more than that.

This means that people are not to attach the name of the Lord to, or, in the original language, "CARRY" the name of the Lord along with, something the Lord would not support.


Do you honestly - honestly - believe that God's commandment somehow reads:

"Do not commit adultery, unless it is the husband and if he commits adultery with an unmarried woman. Then, that's cool. Go ahead, husband, because, that kind of adultery the Lord can get behind."

GET REAL. You knew your husband was lying then, and you know it now.

You are NOT confused.

You are NOT "messed up".

You are at the stage where you are wishing this didn't happen, and you are looking at what DID happen, and trying to go over what he said, and you are saying to yourself, "WHY DID I EVER GO ALONG WITH THIS???". And you are realizing now that there were many of your own contributions to the state of the marriage that led up to the situation, and you do not like it. This dos NOT mean you are to blame for the affair. What it means is that the initial shock is pulling back, and you are seeing with some clarity the events in your marriage, and those contributing factors, situations, and interactions that put this whole thing into motion.

This is a GOOD thing - because it is a healthy part of the process for you. You will more fully understand where you went wrong, and you can develop a plan for yourself to set your thinking straight, to prepare your response to him if he starts to say these things again, and to clarify YOUR OWN THOUGHTS on these things.

Because, YOU now understand that there were lies in what he said to you. And, you understand that your response to his lies needed to be different then - only you cannot go back and change it.

But what you CAN DO?

Is focus on YOU - NOW - and formulate who you are, what you think, and what you want in your marriage.

Formulate what was wrong then, what corrections are needed in yourself, and make those changes now.


Because: whether your husband returns or not, you do NOT want a marriage that looked like the one you were in prior to the affair.

And if you remain the same woman, and you respond to him the same way

you will have the same marriage.


Plan B is FOR YOU.

Plan what you want. Make yourself the best you that you can be. Focus on what you want to be, who you want to be, and changing your life into the life that you dream of.


If he returns, he returns ON YOUR TERMS, into the marriage that the MB basic concepts can lead the both of you into. The marriage YOU dream of.

Anything else is not worth it.


SB

Amen to what schoolbus just posted.

Amen

You are right. I did know he was lying to me and using God's word as a way to manipulate me. I knew it, but I was so insecure and wanted his love so badly that I would take all the blame for every fight we ever had. I started to get angry about his views on things and how he'd do what he wanted and tell me to deal with it cuz "im a man and i do what i want".

I was angry and i just wanted his love and affection,but i didnt know how to get it. I fought with him and was sarcastic with him more often than I should've been. I had a bad temper and he set me off a lot with his unloving attitude and passive aggressive ways of dealing with anything in our lives.

He is still blaming me, im sure. I do want him to realize his mistakes and failures as a husband...but what if i can never get over him if he never comes back? I've loved him for 9 yrs. I'm scared that I've lost him forever.

And I am doing my best to work on myself. I have been to see my pastor for counseling and have realized a lot of things about how both my WH and I went wrong in our marriage. I am working part time and in school part time as well. I am going to church every Sunday and becoming closer to my family of believers there. They all have been very supportive and help me in any way they can ever since I moved home. I am very thankful for that.

At the same time I am so incredibly sad that the dreams my WH and I had for ourselves and our kids might never come to pass. I wanted to be with my kids full time until they were 5. I got that with my oldest, but the other two I won't. My middle child is 3 and going to preschool. My baby does not have to go to daycare because my parents watch him for me. That is a blessing. But I never wanted to send my kids to public school. I really wanted to homeschool them (sorry if that sounds crazy to some of you, but it's what i felt was right) and my WH before he was an "alien" wanted to help homeschool them and to get involved with other families that were doing the same thing. We wanted to get a house and a dog, live out in the country somewhere maybe. I just hate thinking about all the things we were going to do but I'm reminded of them when I take my kids to school or see other families having a happy life and then I wonder, why is it MY family and so many others that are being DESTROYED?!

I know many, many people have families that have just been torn apart and are in great pain. That is where our family is right now, in great turmoil and pain. I just feel so let down. I tried to do right. I was desperate for my M to be everything that it was supposed to be, and I was trying to do what my H needed and wanted for the last year before he went crazy with this A. I was doing my best under the circumstances. And I was PRAYING everyday and every night for our M and our children. And then God allowed my H to go nuts. I know God cannot control people. But I just don't know why He answered my prayer for my baby to make it here safely (i had had two miscarriages before I got pregnant with my 3rd son) and then let my H leave me and betray me. It is so unfair.

Would you all think it good for me to be in counseling with my pastor? I trust him and his opinion has been right along with MB. He has given me pretty much the same advice, just not in MB terminology. He wants to send me to his counselor and other people from our church have been to see him as well. What do you think?

If anyone can point me to some good threads on here that deal with the mindset of the waywards, the partners in adultery, or anything that any of you feel is very important to read, I am all for it. I have been searching on here all day, but I'm some of the links are not coming up for me in the notable posts. Thanks!

I don't know who is still following my story or not, but I was going back through my whole thread and I have realized how much I've grown since first posting here in March of this year.

I would like to say to Melody Lane, if she's reading this, that I definitely understand what you were trying to get through my thick skull about HH. I was going round and round trying to justify to all of you , and myself, why I didn't tell my WH the whole truth about my past before I dated him. I see now that you were just trying to help me and to show me that I just needed to accept responsibility for the dishonesty and ask for his forgiveness. I did that when I first told him and I did it again when I wrote him the plan B letter. I know that if he truly loved me and wanted to do what is right then he will end this A and try to work things out in our M. But anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for all the help, even if I was being stubborn!

Also, wondering what any of you think about the fact that my WH has been told he can contact the boys at any time through my parents house number, (my mom said she would answer, but not talk to him and immediately put Isaiah, my 5 yr old on the phone) and he can also email my friend who is a lawyer if he needs any information regarding the kids, but he has not called the boys but 3 times since July 10th. It is now almost October. I know he is blaming me for him not having contact with his boys, he made that clear the last few times I talked to him before plan B. He said that I'm the one who CHOSE this and that he never wanted things to be this way. WEll, I know that's just stupid and that HE CHOSE this. But to punish the kids is so sickening. I took my children away from a terrible situation and brought them to a much better environment. WH even admitted that the first week I was back in IA. Now he rarely calls them. What do you think? Is this proof that he does NOT care about the kids? It's obvious he doesn't care about me, but his own CHILDREN?

Tinkerbell, are you still in contact with him? If not I would go into IC. Are you reading the surviving an affair book?

Your WH is clearly in affair fog, making you the villian.

Tink, it is typical Wayward crap. They are all in selfish mode while they are still wayward. It is unbelievable to us, who are not in our own fog, to see what they do to the children. WAYTURDS SUCK AZZ. They seem to share one brain and all go by the same script. Of course he is going to blame you. He is going to say that you are the evil one in all of this and things would be different if he was still around. Yea, you would be a basket case. Your children would suffer even more than they do now. All you can do is leave the mode of communication open and know that you are doing the best thing you can for your children.

Tinker,

He is blaming you because you are easy to blame.

He is looking for the easy way to everything. That is why he is having an affair. That is why he sold you a bill of goods on "being the man", because it was an excuse in his mind to do whatever he wanted.

He wants what he wants, when he wants it.

He is a child, in an adult body. He is a liar, a cheater, and he is ruining his OWN LIFE.

You are working on yourself, raising your children the best you can, and moving yourself toward being the best person you can.

With or without him.

He is not under your control.
Control the one and only thing you can: YOURSELF.


Let everything else be controlled by God.


You have no other choice.


Your WH will blame you now. He knows exactly who is to blame, however - and no amount of yelling, whining, crying, acting proud, claiming he is "the man", finger-pointing, blameshifting, gaslighting, or double-dealing is going to change that fact.


One day your WH will admit this. Ultimately this will come to pass.


It may very well be too late for him. That would be a shame - for him, and for your family. However, by that time, YOU will have grown into the most fabulous and strong woman, and you will be able to look back and say:


I gave him the best chance to fix this. I worked hard to fix it, and to fix me. HE LOST HIS CHANCE, THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN.


SB

RL- Yeah I'm reading the book and no I'm not in contact with WH. Last time we had any communication was through a text about money and the boys. I was already in plan B when that happened so I made a mistake but I've been dark as night ever since. I had just heard what he wrote to a friend of ours through an email, basically blaming me and saying that he'd most likely eventually "come back". That was what got me thinking about him again.

SL- Yes waywards do seem to have one mind and go by the same script. I've been learning that on MB, reading all the garbage that waywards spew while in the fog. I am most shocked by how waywards treat the children and will say that THEY are the better parent. It is absurd. I guess I thought that since I told him thru my plan B letter how he could stay in contact with the boys that he would do so. How stupid of me. AND he didn't get real mad about the plan B thing, he tried to break me thru texts but he never called or anything like that. And I had already blocked him from fb and email so he couldn't get thru to me on there either. The only thing he did was text and try to ask about the boys and said I was the one who did this and it's my fault. So dumb. I figure since he wasn't that mad about plan B, or he didn't show it to me, that he doesn't really care and there is not much hope. or maybe he was just used to it since i've been gone since march and we were at the point of not talking when i had sent the letter.