First off I want to thank all of you on this forum. It along with the marriage builders website have been a great help to me over the past couple of months. If you would allow me I would like to share our story over the past year. I believe the problems started when I was laid off in Feb. of '09. My wife had also been let go from her job not long before. At first it was fun being together most of the time. But as the months went by and money got tighter and stress built this time together began to push us apart. Then in Nov. I started a really good job and I was feeling like our lives were getting back on track. That was.. until my wife informed me of her A. Aparently it started as an online friendship that grew from there. We had both drifted apart and I was consumed with new job stuff and getting our life back on track. Little did I know the single most important thing to me was slipping away. I see now all of the signs that something was very wrong. I had discounted these signs because I believed she could never do anything like that to me. I now realize how much a part of the problem that attitude was. We had not taken the time to protect our M from something like this. I had not taken the time to show her how much she meant to me.
She went to see him twice for two weeks each time. First in Jan and again in April. She told me the first time was to be with an old friend who was getting married. It turns out that the person she was supposed to be getting married to was the OM and her old friend was never a part of it. The second time she had told me that she and her friend hadn't been able to spend much time together because of the wedding and she wanted to go back. Thinking back it kills me that I was the one who drove her to the airport. Literally drove her to another man.
She tells me that she never loved him or had any deep feeling for him. That she just needed to fill the void that I had left by not communicating and giving her attention. That all she really wanted was someone to listen and then before she knew it it had gone further than she ever wanted it to.She says that I never lost her heart that she never stopped loving me.
All of this to say that I desperately love my wife and I know that she just got sucked into something she felt she needed and it got way out of hand before she knew what was happening.
She even ended it and came to me with the truth in the end. Though it was the most painful thing I've ever had to hear I appreciate that she respected me enough to tell me. That fact and the past couple of months she has shown me how much she wants to work on us. Even through my anger and hurt she has been strong for me. My struggle now is how do I learn to love her again? She was my best most trusted friend. She was my precious wife. Now when I look at her I see the woman who betrayed me. I don't want to be angry and bitter at my wife. I want to love and be close to her again. I know we need each other now more than ever but how can I be there for her when it hurts so much to even be close to her. When all I can do when we are close is picture her with him. I know with time I can forgive her and get past my anger, but when I look at her she doesn't even seem like she is mine anymore. She gave herself to someone else and I am lost and confused without her.
She says she is here for me now and I know she is but I don't know how to accept her back when I feel so betrayed. The anger and hurt are already starting to fade a little and I know with time I can forgive her but this feeling of her not being mine seems to be getting stronger. I feel like she replaced me with someone else and I lost her. I know she does not "belong" to me but she was my wife and my angel. I am just having a hard time feeling that way about her anymore.

BS,

Thinking back it kills me that I was the one who drove her to the airport. Literally drove her to another man.

It almost seems like a way of making the affair legitimate, I took my W and OM out to lunch and paid for the meal, a small version of the Madoff scam but I still feel fleeced.

But realize that you were not at fault for trusting your wife, your wife was at fault for betraying that trust.

God Bless
Gamma

Yeah, that is pretty harsh. Thankfully I never had the misfortune of meeting the OM.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to better communicate about the affair with my wife? There are alot of things I want to talk with her about the Affair but at the same time I don't want to "punish her" with it. I want to work through it without making her feel horrible over and over. She regrets all of it and wants to put it all behind her and move on and work on us. I don't know if I am to that point yet though. I need to hear that she is sorry and regrets it. I need to hear that I am the only one she wants now. Is this wrong? Am I just wanting her to feed my ego? She says she is willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust and my heart back but at the same time I feel like if I tell her the things I need her to say or do they don't mean as much. How do I know when to just forget about it all and just concentrate on working on now. Where is the line between resolving and dwelling? I don't want to dwell on the details of the affair but alot of it still bothers me and makes me want to withdraw from her. I know this is the last thing I should do but I'm sure everyone who has been in this situation knows how much stronger your feelings are than your sense of reason. I know I still have alot of anger and hurt to work through, but I am willing to do that work for her as I know she is willing to do that work for me.

Broken -

I'm so sorry you are here. Hopefully the vets will be along soon to give you more information. To address a couple of things in your last post:

> If there is information you feel you need to know about her affair, she MUST tell you in order for you to heal.
> She needs to apologize for the destruction she's wrought on your marriage.
> She needs to tell you that she want you and only you and is willing to work on your marriage.
> She has to show through ACTION she is willing to fix what she has broken.

Another point: Talking about the affair with her is not punishment. It is MANDATORY if you both are going to recover. And she SHOULD feel horrible. This does not mean you should use the information you get to maliciously attack her or manipulate her with it. But your feeling are VALID and they deserve to be addressed.

Please purchase the book "Surviving An Affair" from this website and READ READ READ. There is also a ton of free information on this site for newly betrayed posters. And continue to post here so we can help support you and guide you through this time.

aBetterMe

Is OM married? If so, you'll need to contact his W and tell her about the A. She needs to know in order to protect herself from your WW and her WH. She'll also be a second set of eyes - you'll need her help to make sure there is no resumption of the A.

Has your WW sent a no contact letter to the OM?

BrokenShadow
I am having the same issues. Our stories are almost the same. It will be 2 years in October since I found out and it is very difficult for me. There are more days that I feel distant then there are where I feel close and "In Love". I am just trying to give it more time and working on the positive things.

Broken/NXS -

Have either of you read the material on here that gives you step by step instructions for creating transparency and romantic love in your relationship? "Giving it more time" is not a plan or an action. That is simply waiting for change. Change will not happen on its own.

aBetterMe

aBetterMe -

Thank you I will work on talking with her about everything I feel without using it against her. I know I have already been guilty of that.
We just finished the book Torn Asunder which was very helpful.
We plan on reading through Surviving An Affair and are currently working through The Love Dare Devotional.
Now we just have to work on applying the things we are learning to making our marriage better and learning to communicate and meet each others needs.

maritalbliss -

As far as I know the OM is not married. My wife wrote him a no contact letter before she told me. The only other contact she has had was when he tried to contact me on Facebook to tell me what a horrible person my wife is. I was angry at him about this. My wife and I both agree that she made a horrible mistake, but she is not a horrbile person. other than this she has been a wonderful wife and I am still proud to have her by my side. I won't let this mistake define who she is and I am trying with all of my heart to not let it tear our marriage apart. I am in no way defending what she has done but I know that there is more to her than that. That is why I have hope. that is why I know I can love her again. We fell in love once. I want to fall in love with her all over again. Even if it is hard right now.

Broken

do you know what you need your wife to do to help you to deal with the pain and earn your forgiveness ?

Hitch

BrokenShadow,

Welcome to MB. Your feelings are not unusual so hang in there. I have a few thoughts for you though. One of the MAJOR concepts on this site is the concept of radical honesty. It applies to you and your W. You will not recover your marriage nor will she be able to really help you until you are radically honest with her. This does not mean �brutally� honest, but radically honest.

Permit me to address a few things you said and offer some thoughts. Hopefully they will start you thinking of ways to address the issues you now have.

First you said One of the reasons you are having problems is because she is blaming you for her affair and lying to you as well. You KNOW this deep down. She could have come to you to talk, she could have chosen NOT to have the affair, I mean really spending a week at a time with OM is NOT an accident, she did not just get sucked in. She even went back for a second week. She will do anything to help you, but she won�t be honest with you or herself, this needs to change. How does it change. You express to her your refusal to take any blame for her affair. The state of the marriage yes, the affair, no.

You also said Broken, she needs to hear this word for word. She needs to know what you are struggling with and how it makes you feel. She cannot help if she doesn�t know about the images, and the feelings. I will tell you that anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: fear, pain, frustration, anxiety. My guess is that your anger is based on your fear. She did this to you without much of a thought and she never considered what it would do to you. Your fear is based on the fact that you don�t feel safe. How am I doing?

Finally you said What actions has she taken to reassure you that this affair and any others is really over? What actions has she taken to reassure you that somehow magically the conditions that led to her last affair don�t exist now or in the future? You were replaced and you know it, but do you really know why? What has changed that would convince you that you are not the default choice rather than her real choice? She needs to address and think about this.

Finally, Broken what is your plan? What is her plan? To rebuild this marriage and protect this marriage in the future? I believe you need to read the articles on this site and so does she. I would recommend the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs both by Harley. It will give you information so that you to can develop a plan to rebuild this marriage. You both need a plan, words alone will not rebuild and improve this marriage.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

I'm not totally sure. I guess I need to know she is committed to me now and loves me and only me now. I need to know that our marriage and our vows (though broken) still mean something to her.


To be fair to her she has taken full blame for her affair and we both take blame for allowing our marriage to get to the place where an affair could happen. We were both not communicating like we needed to and were both not meeting each others needs. This is no excuse for what she did but it is what we need to work on. I agree that what happened was no accident. There were too many lies and deceptions for that to be true. but I do believe that she never intended it to go as far as it did.
Don't get me wrong.. She and I both agree that no matter how far it went it was all wrong. She should have never went to someone else for the things she needed from me. She did come to me originally and tell me her needs. Granted she should have tried harder and should have never given up on me but I should have tried alot harder too. We have both learned from these mistakes.


I think you are exactly right. I am afraid to trust her again. I am afraid to open my heart to her again. I have put up alot of walls and gone into defensive mode. I need to work on sharing how I feel with her and being more open with her but without attacking her with angry emotion.


The fact that she ended it and came to me with the truth before I really knew anything about it says alot to me. That and her willingness to go through the hell that this has been. We just finished reading Torn Asunder and in that book it talks about the different classes of affairs. We agreed that hers was an Add-on affair. Where I was meeting most of her needs but not all. I don't think I was so much "replaced" as added to. Not that this is any less painfull, but I do believe her when she says that she never stopped loving me and that she never intended it to turn into what it did. She needed that void filled and in so doing put herself in a position where everything got out of control. She even said the second time she flew out to be with him she was miserable and didn't spend much time with him at all. She wanted to call me and come home but was afraid to tell me. Thus feeling trapped in her deceptions. I think this is why she ended it soon after and came to me with the truth. She knew he was not what she needed or even really wanted.


We are now reading through Surviving and Affair and are realizing more every day that while we both need time to heal we also need to be proactive in preventing anything like this from happening again and rebuilding trust and love in our relationship.

Thank you for your time and concern. I ask that you pray for My wife and I through this difficult time and I will do the same for all of you.