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Not sure how to do this but, I'm here. W had a screaming session today which resulted in her hitting herself numerous times. She's at her wit's end and I don't know how to keep her here mentally. I'm to doer and need to hear of others who have been in same or similar situations.
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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Maybe it's just me and I'm somewhat dense but.....
We're going to need a little more information about your situation and what you want here.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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It would help if we actually knew what your situation is. This is an incident, not a situation.
Please elaborate.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Yes. The situation is that my W found out on 5th May that I was having an affair which had been going on for 5 years. She also found out that I had had inappropriate relationships with other women over the past 10 years or so. Needless to say, she's devastated and it's cruel to see the pain this is causing her. She hardly eats and barely sleeps due to constant visions. Today in her breakdown episode, she stated that she feels that she shouldn't even be in this universe. This she has said before or something similar. I'm not sure what to do or suggest that will keep those thoughts at bay. Advice anyone??
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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Did you end your affair and end all contact with your skanky OW?
And I would suggest calling a doctor or the suicide hotline to see what you should do. You have committed a horrendous crime against your wife and this won't be easy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Needless to say, she's devastated and it's cruel to see the pain this is causing her. that I have caused her this pain. There - fixed that for you. She hardly eats and barely sleeps due to constant visions. Today in her breakdown episode, she stated that she feels that she shouldn't even be in this universe. This she has said before or something similar. I'm not sure what to do or suggest that will keep those thoughts at bay. Advice anyone?? The thoughts are a direct consequence of your horrible actions. You have DEEPLY and INTIMATELY violated your wife. In fact, emotional rape would be an appropriate term I believe. It would help your wife if she got on anti-depressants to help her get through this. Apart from that, you ask HER what it is she needs from you. If it is to hold her, to love her, to let her rant and rave for a bit - you do it. She is in shock as the entire fabric of her life is unraveling beneath her. You can't keep the thoughts at bay - they are going to come. And it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. A lot of help and experience is available to you here. In order to access that help, the people here need some vital information: How old are you two? How long married? Children? Who was the affair with? How was it conducted? Have you gone completely No Contact with the OW? Was the OW married? If so does her husband know? Do your families know? Would your wife be willing to come here and post. There are many here who have been in her shoes that can provide comfort and guidance. Welcome to Marriage Builders.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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She has been posting for some time. Today is my first. She posts as teaser_8. I have also added more information about us, with my W's help, such as a signature.
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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Not sure how to do this but, I'm here. W had a screaming session today which resulted in her hitting herself numerous times. She's at her wit's end and I don't know how to keep her here mentally. I'm to doer and need to hear of others who have been in same or similar situations. gwill, what has triggered your wife today?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ok, i see what the problem is now. You have been playing trickle truth head games with your wife, haven't you, gwill? That is like stabbing someone and then kicking them for fun while you watch them bleed to death. It is a sadists game. No wonder she is falling apart.
Are you a mean guy?
See, when you withhold the truth, you make it impossible for you wife to ever trust you again. This is one of the dumbest mistakes that waywards make. They tell themselves they don't tell the truth becuase they don't want to "hurt" their spouse. But the truth is that the spouse KNOWS something is wrong and the lying hurts her.
Your wife KNOWS there are holes in your story so every little bit she drags out of you, puts her back to day 1 of recovery. You start ALL OVER AGAIN. It is a death of a thousand cuts for you both.
She has a nose like a blood hound and will sniff out every little bit if it takes 50 years. But...your marriage won't last that long. Because she will grow to hate you after a few more times of digging out some unrevealed truth.
So, the best solution for you both is to set the stage for a SAFE document dump. One where you calmly, but completely and fully tell her every thing. Answer every question she puts to you. Follow this the next day with a POLYGRAPH TEST.
I would offer to do this and make arrangements for the polygraph test.
Doing this will put her mind to rest so you can move onto recovery. But that day will never come as long as you continue to screw wtih her head with trickle truth games. That is cruel and unusual punishment. You are lucky she hit herself, if you were my H I would have knocked the hell out of you.
I would also sign up for the online program at Marriage builders. The assign you a coach and your case is supervised by Dr Harley. I don't think you guys are going to be able to wing it on your own. And they will tell her to NEVER BRING UP THE AFFAIR AGAIN, once the truth is out. They will guide you week by week through recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree...I need a guide to get me through this because there are so many issues to address. The most important one though is addressing her Needs. The one with the highest priority for her is SF and that's the one that's hardest to address. Hard to address because that requires a certain state of mind which is difficult to achieve with our strong conflicts.
How have others overcome this?
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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I agree...I need a guide to get me through this because there are so many issues to address. The most important one though is addressing her Needs. The one with the highest priority for her is SF and that's the one that's hardest to address. Hard to address because that requires a certain state of mind which is difficult to achieve with our strong conflicts. What the program does is teach you how to avoid conflicts so you do feel like meeting each others needs. It teaches you how to fall in love again by a) eliminating the lovebusters [and this does mean ceasing all talk of the affair once she has all the truth] b) spending 20+ hours together giving each other undivided attention meeting these top 4 needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Here is an overview of how it works: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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gwill, your wife said you saw a post where someone said the online program is a "waste of time." That person also said in his post: "The materials are good if both people are on board, are willing to put in the time and effort needed, and really want to make the relationship work. " Yes, this is a odd issue with the Marriage Builders program. You have to actually work it in order for it to WORK. If you are not willing to put in your time and effort IT WON'T WORK by magic osmosis as this fella will attest.  On the other hand, many of us that have actually used the program have fully recovered, romantic marriages. And we don't just SAY that; they give you a TEST to see if it is actually working. The online program is the same as the weekend seminar except now you don't go listen to DrHarley in a hotel ballroom, you listen to him online. Many of us have gone through the course here and our marriages are fully recovered now. It is an awesome program that really does work.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not sure how to do this but, I'm here. W had a screaming session today which resulted in her hitting herself numerous times. She's at her wit's end and I don't know how to keep her here mentally. I'm to doer and need to hear of others who have been in same or similar situations. I used to think those schticky old movies were funny - you know,the ones where the wife finds out her H is unfaithful and she throws the good china at him, while he ducks and weaves? I don't think they're funny anymore. In the months following D-Day I threw things at my H, hit him, kicked him, hit myself...it was a terrible time. Looking back on it, I should have filled the anti-depressant prescription my ob/gyn gave me. I suggest you get her to a doctor for medication. She's going to be all over the board emotionally. Your wife has sustained enormous damage from the person she trusted the most in this world. Not only that, you played with her reality for FIVE YEARS. Sit for a minute and think about that. Pick five years of your life. Let's say, age 30-35. Think about things that happened during that time. Now pretend they never happened. That is your wife's reality. Now she's got to go back and put together five years worth of what really happened, and fit your adultery in there to make a cohesive whole of her reality. This is going to be a huge task for her.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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gwill24,
First of all I'm glad you came to the board and are asking for help from the vets here......listen to them, do what you should do for your wife, you have devastated her like nothing else has in her life.........
Her life and belief system is destroyed...........nothing makes sense to her and she is feeling like she has hit rock bottom and that there is no point in enduring anymore pain......she is looking for the easier out.
Please get her to a doctor for some meds to help with the stress she is feeling.....some therapy......
You need to be totally honest, don't give her any reason what so ever to question anything else that comes out of your mouth......
Never treat her with anything but understand and compassion......any kind of meanness will throw her over the edge......
Why you would treat the woman you have spent you life with such disrespect is something she just cannot understand, who you are as a person is unbelieveable to her.......
She is thinking her whole life has been a big lie......
Ask her friends, her family to help her......do what you can,
She is the only thing that matters right now.........
Then when things calm down the two of you can decide where you can go from here.........
good luck, listen to the vets, read all the information on this site and for God's sake dont' do anything else to hurt your wife......show her the man she wants you to be..............
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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I didn't respond to Vibrissa's suggestion regarding anti-depressants but my W was prescribed and she did take them for a while but now says she will no longer take any meds. I also noticed today that in her post, she states that she's now bordering on hatred and doesn't see much possibility of R. It was suggested that she tries R for a year and then make a decision. I'm now at a lost as to a plan. How does she and I deal with the Hatred?
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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I'm rudderless. Just had a discussion where I was told that I have done favors for everyone, especially my "whores" and I have done nothing for her. I have been having fun satisfying my needs at her expense. I'm, as she says, despicable and a low life and couple that with the "bordering on hatred" statement, I'm at a loss as to the next step in my attempt at R. Is it a useless expectation or is there always hope??
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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I'm rudderless. Just had a discussion where I was told that I have done favors for everyone, especially my "whores" and I have done nothing for her. I have been having fun satisfying my needs at her expense. I'm, as she says, despicable and a low life and couple that with the "bordering on hatred" statement, I'm at a loss as to the next step in my attempt at R. Is it a useless expectation or is there always hope?? Ah, yes, it's a sometimes lonely and thankless job, that of a remorseful WS. Suck it up, gwill, and I'm not being mean, here - I see potential for the two of you. If teaser is putting that much energy into excoriating you (sweet-I've always wanted to use that word )there's hope. I will disagree with her on one thing: you're not a despicable low-life. You're a recovering despicable low life. You're going to have to earn your wings to get out of that category. How? Stay the course. Continue to meet her needs. Remain patient and be ready to comfort her when she has her moments - and there will be more. She's a hurting human. She's going through an emotional blood-letting right now, to heal. I think you have still failed to grasp the seriousness of what you have done to teaser. I get the impression in your posts that you want to "move on" and that this business is behind you and should be for her. But, gwill, you don't get to pick the time frame for healing - teaser does. I believe you referenced 'one year' in another post. I'm 18 months out and things are finally starting to settle down. There is no specific time for healing. I've read that it can take up to 5 years. So settle in for the long haul - you've earned that. Stop concentrating on getting past this and concentrate on working through it with teaser. Patience, Iago.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Maritalbliss, thanks for your words of wisdom and hope. I didn't have any but perhaps there is a light, very very dim but a light nonetheless.
As a correction, the reference to one year was a suggestion from another person who said to teaser, that she should try to stay the course for one year and then make up her mind. I didn't know if anyone can do that while their emotions are "bordering on hatred", so that was a question I asked.
One thing I'm happy to see is that she is functioning better in her demanding job. This is not due to me in anyway but from DDay and the next couple months, this was not happening. I'm sure it's not easy but she's doing better.
Had to say that here because I'm not confiding with anyone anywhere else.
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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I'm rudderless. Just had a discussion where I was told that I have done favors for everyone, especially my "whores" and I have done nothing for her. I have been having fun satisfying my needs at her expense. I'm, as she says, despicable and a low life and couple that with the "bordering on hatred" statement, I'm at a loss as to the next step in my attempt at R. Is it a useless expectation or is there always hope?? Did you agree with her about all those adjectives? Because they are the truth, aren't they? Didn't you do favors for whores? And weren't you a despicable low life? What is your issue with those true statements? Is she supposed to pretend that this is not true in order to make you feel better about being bad? How would that possibly help you? You should feel bad about being bad. You are rudderless? C'mon, gwill, can you imagine how she feels? She didn't sign up for this, YOU DID. You did this to her. What can you do to make her feel better about the abuse you inflicted upon her? Isn't it true that you did favors for your skanky whores? If this is the truth, I don't understand what the problem is. Is it a problem that she makes truthful statements and if so, WHY? Why fight the truth? It only makes a bad situation worse. Why not say "I am so sorry that did favors for some useless whores and not for you. I am intend on making this up to you in every way I can." "I am sorry I behaved like a despicable low life and have lost your respect. I will do every thing in my power to earn your respect again." Don't fight with the truth, gwill, you will always lose. If you don't want to be called a "despicable low man" then don't behave like one. And when someone states a true fact about you, then at least be man enough to admit the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for the slap in the face Melody. It's not unlike what I've gotten from my W and well deserved, considering my past actions. I am extremely sorry and working at making things right but I recognize that it will all take time and patience is a must. Things have gotten a little better but .....there's lots of issues to address, which will happen. I too am saying that if this M ends in us going our separate ways, it won't be because we didn't try.
Me WH 59
BS 55
Married 34 years
D Day 5/52010
DD 25 years
NC sent 5/12/2010
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