k lets do the pre-exposure checklist:

__Exposure list with contact info
__Notes of what you will say
__Telephone
__Email
__Several hour block of time to do this in uninterrupted.

Now, sit down breathe, and start at the top, and work your way down.

Do not answer any calls from your husband or OW.

When your husband eventually confronts you just say "I know you are having an affair. I will do what it takes to save my marriage because I love you. Would you like some cookies?"

That's it.

You are a broken record.

You can do this!

When they ask you how you know, what are you going to say?

I ended up having a great conversation with some friends and let them all know what's on my mind. These were people on the list who are all with me. I'm not giving up on exposure but I feel all better tonight.

The longer you wait on exposing the longer you are enabling the affair.

Do you want your husband back or not? If you do then finish with the exposing do not trickle exposure that will not be so affective, you have to hit EVERYONE all in ONE day! My husband exposed my affair on FACEBOOK if you have to do that then do so.

Please just remember that you are doing this to save your family.

Exposure was VERY hard for me... It was the BEST thing I could have EVERY done. I wish I had done it sooner and I wish I had done it better even now. I did not finish the exposure to EVERYONE on OW FB page like I should have... But I know now.

NO mater what is said you are doing the right thing. No matter what is said EXPOSE to everyone on their lists, everyone you know dont leave a soul out that has influence and knows them it makes a difference.

This one's not going to make it. Good luck.

The people I talked with are going to be the people who can influence him. I "exposed" to everyone on my list that would actually have some sort of influence on him. He has completely shut down to these people. Despite many attempts to talk to them he has refused to talk to them. I think he is miserable. But he is also the type that is not going to listen to people or even do the opposite if they tell him what to do. But they will be putting pressure on him. Now I need to figure out how to convince him of NC. He is of course going to stick with the were just friends deal. I am beginning to think it might only be an EA but not sure. The big thing that needs to happen is no contact. I realize that maybe I have not done exposure to the fullest but I am not going to go on his facebook and tell every one of his friends. I have no access to her friends or family. I actually was thinkg of contacting her myself or having another friend do so and let her know that everyone knows.

Even if she is 'just a friend' (if he choses to use that excuse) she is not a friend to your marriage. You should not tolerate any friend of his that isn't a friend to your marriage.

If he is willing to destroy his marriage for a friendship, then they are not 'just friends'.

Marriage>friendship.

Any other equation means death for your marriage.

He may rant and rave about it being unfair and them being just friends. Tell him you will not stay in a marriage where someone who is just a friend can threaten it, and you see her as a threat.

Fwiw, I hired a PI and found out everything I needed to know in a matter of about five hours.

Exposure without any concrete proof imho isn't good. Please get some proof. Real proof.

VRE's are good. How about installing a keylogger? You have to do something.

If it smells like a pig, oinks like a pig, it's a pig.
And a ws pig stinks! But you have to remain in charge. That means proof, a plan, and tact.

What plan exactly are you using? Do you know carrot and stick of plan A/B? I mean, if my H were spending the night with some chick "on the couch" I'd be sure he wasn't on the couch. Who do you think this guy is confiding in? The ow that's who. Please wake up.

Yes this is where I am at.

He has one foot out the door though. And I think he has this fear that now I get to choose who he's friends with. And that he's not allowed to have friends that I don't approve of. But I should come first. And he's not putting me first.

I don't want to lose him.

That's right - you do get to chose who he is friends with. He should not have friends you don't approve of.

That is marriage.

He isn't marriage material.

You don't want to keep him at the expense of your marriage, because eventually you will hate him.

Either he becomes marriage material or you have to cut your losses. Staying in a marriage with an adulterer who feels entitled to his Independent Behavior is no way to raise children.

I think he wants to come home and work things out. Some of his actions show me that he does. But he says he is trying to decide if he wants to work things out. It's like he agrees that we were happy in the past.

And he needs to figure out how he feels. And I havent given him enough space to make the decision. And he has to not be at the house because he can't make a decision with me there pressuring him. So leaving the house is his only option. Only I feel like his "friend" is influencing his decision also. Which of course she is. But with him with a foot out the door already i am afraid if I force no contact it will only make things worse.

I just don't know what to do anymore. He is a very difficult person to deal with sometimes but I love him and I want to work through that.

We've told you what to do. Put a VAR in his car, try to get access to his phone, hire a PI. Get hard evidence of his affair. You don't KNOW what the results of snooping will be. You think you're not going to get anything but you wont even bother to try. If you don't try you FOR SURE won't get anywhere, but if you try you have a CHANCE of getting something.

He CAN'T 'figure out how he feels'. He is physically incapable of doing so while he is in his affair.

He can't make decisions WHILE HAVING AN AFFAIR. It has nothing to do with your pressure and everything to do with the fact that he wants 2 women meeting his needs and will do everything he can to string you along.

You got to stop being governed by your fear. Your fear is going to end your marriage.

You force NC and you get 2 possible results:
Your husband goes NC, you have a chance to rebuild.
Your husband doesn't go NC.

Now here you can either stay in the marriage or leave. If you leave, the marriage is over. If you stay without NC, the marriage is ALSO over because a marriage isn't 2 people + your husbands girlfriend.

There is only one option that leads to a CHANCE to have a happy marriage.

You're scared to move because you want a guarantee. Sorry, hon, there are no guarantees. Sometimes you gotta leap and hope. But I can promise you this - what you are doing right now is the BEST way to ensure the end of your marriage. You are enabling a cake-eating adulterer.

You can't work through it if you won't even take the first steps.

He is having an affair. He is incapable of making choices, and you're sitting around hoping he'll do the right thing, afraid to make a move certain that you'll push him over the edge.

If this marriage ends, it won't be because you pushed him over the edge, it will be because he decided to leave it and party with his OW.

What, do you realize that only a few people are posting trying to help you? It's starting to get frustrating trying to help someone who just sits in a puddle bemoaning the fact that they don't know what to do. It's starting to feel like a waste of time.

I want your marriage to succeed, but there's only so many times I can repeat the same advice. YOU are the one that has to act. You know what to do but you let your fear drown out your conviction to act.

Really there's not much else I can tell you.

Snoop.
Do a full exposure with hard evidence.
Plan A.
Demand your husband end his affair.
If he doesn't Plan B.

That is the path, that's what you've been told to do from Day 1. Your circumstance isn't special or different, the advice given to everyone else applies to you.

Your future is in YOUR hands if you'd have the courage to act.

IF he does not go NC with her you will be in a false recover and there is no point for him to come home and work on the marriage.

Sorry its either NC or end the marriage.

The beauty of MB is that it gives YOU, the BS, a plan...so that you don't have to respond/react to the waffling WS's antics...

Have you told him that you exposed his A to everyone? Have you asked him for NC? <-----If not, these are two things that I would do today.

When your H spews fogbabble such as "You need to give me more space to make a decision", you say, "No, I need you to end your A and tell me if you intend to come back home and agree not to see OW anymore. I expect a yes/no answer by the end of the day." And then you leave the room.

This is all part of Plan A. If he refuses to do this, I would move to Plan B. Make OW meet all of his needs and remove yourself from the dynamic.

Are you ready to start putting the MB plans to work for you? If you keep following your cake-eating H's plans, we can't help you.

He was pretty mad when I told him I had told people. Said it was none of their business. Then I asked NC. And he went pretty ballistic. I also told her that everyone knew. He's keeping up the friends thing and that she was the one of two people nice enough to let him stay at their house despite several people told me they had offered him. And now I have ruined his friendship with her. I said you could have never been friends with her and been with me because your "friendship" was getting in the way of our marriage. We talked for a while but most of it he was pissed during. Said he was leaving and had found an apartment. During all this he told me he loved me for the first time in how long. Also said he was trying to make his decision because sometimes love is not enough. Before he had said he didn't love me anymore. Then said he was going to drink his self into oblivion. He didn't come home of course. I have no idea where he's staying. I sent him an email explaining everything calmy how I felt. The talk was pretty emotional. I didn't get angry really just upset. So I sent the calm email and he said it was unfair for me to get upset and irrational and then send a calm logical email. Then he was like where am I supposed to stay now blah blah. I said the house is always here. Yet he didn't come home.

He is very angry and it is probably over but like everyone said it was over anyway.

He tried to tell me he was deciding if he should leave me or be miserable with me. He couldn't see himself ever being happy with me but he was trying to decide if he would stay with me anyway. And he was trying to make a logical decision and not let his emotions get in the way.

I just re read my post from last night. Sorry if it did not make sense. I was a little emotional. Still am but better today.

He asked me this morning. What am I supposed to do now.

I am confused...asked you what?

blessing

Tell him to go NC and get his family back. That is the only thing he can do. Unless he wants to live his life a miserable old man.

Sorry he asked what he is supposed to do now this morning. He is very angry.