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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
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Hey All.
Have a fairly new, very talented (artist) friend. Divorced/seperated abour 1.5 years. moved in new BF (yeah I know) about 12 mos ago.

New BF addict she can not get out of her house. She also talks to her XH multiple times daily.
Wonders (at the ripe ole age of 39!) if there will ever be another, more "normal" guy for her.

Says she "loves" her relationship with her X, would never give up that friendship/relationship. Does not want to hurt BF- would love to have him dissapear from her house.

BF "left" her/her house last week... he then O.D.ed. She and his sister picked him up from hospital 3 days later.... 3 days after a "nonresponsive" diagnosis
and depositied him back at HER PLACE!

AAnnnnnd. she wonders why Mr. Right won't knock at her door!

How do you even begin to tell this person how to disengage?







Last edited by barbiecat; 09/22/10 11:52 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
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She tells me she is done trying to "fix" men. Her new attitude is "See that bird with the broken wing in the road?"
Don't pick it up! RUN IT OVER!

Coming from her, it sounds way more resolute..

I guess I don't know as much about life as I thought I did.
I would love to help her.
I love her for her artistic abilities, and I love her perspective on a lot of things.

BUT I HATE WATCHING HER SCREW HER LIFE UP!


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 532
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Until she loves HERSELF enough... she will be willing to deal with the scraps from crappy relationships. This is what I learned most of all from my marriage. I was willing to take crumbs of love and interest because I didn't really understand that I had a baseline of feeling 'good' more from GIVING than understanding that I, as a good man, deserved also to be getting. Having someone who was willing to take everything I was willing to give, allowed me to 'feel' good by being a doormat for her. However, it never really worked and I fought to change the situation throughout our marriage. SHE, unfortunately, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by our Marriage Counselor.

That is like loving a rock... you can love it all you want, but can't get what you need back from it. I was the same way, thinking I had so much to give, that I could find someone 'needy' and they would love me for who I was and what I could provide to help them in their lives. However, what those people tend to actually be, is narcisisstic and willing to take from you, without giving.

It seems as though your friend doesn't love herself enough to say 'ENOUGH, this isn't what I want nor is it enough.'

Until she cares about herself, she will continue these 'bandage' type of relationships.

Last edited by JustFigureditout; 09/22/10 12:00 PM.
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I know. Re reading this post I felt so dumb about even writing it. It is obvious, -- to everyone out of the scenario.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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BC, I know you like your friend, but please be careful not to get sucked into rescuing her. It doesn't sound like you are, but drama has a way of creeping into other people's lives.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 176
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Originally Posted By: JustFigureditout
Until she loves HERSELF enough... she will be willing to deal with the scraps from crappy relationships. This is what I learned most of all from my marriage. I was willing to take crumbs of love and interest because I didn't really understand that I had a baseline of feeling 'good' more from GIVING than understanding that I, as a good man, deserved also to be getting. Having someone who was willing to take everything I was willing to give, allowed me to 'feel' good by being a doormat for her. However, it never really worked and I fought to change the situation throughout our marriage. SHE, unfortunately, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by our Marriage Counselor.

That is like loving a rock... you can love it all you want, but can't get what you need back from it. I was the same way, thinking I had so much to give, that I could find someone 'needy' and they would love me for who I was and what I could provide to help them in their lives. However, what those people tend to actually be, is narcisisstic and willing to take from you, without giving.

It seems as though your friend doesn't love herself enough to say 'ENOUGH, this isn't what I want nor is it enough.'

Until she cares about herself, she will continue these 'bandage' type of relationships.


Sounds like we have similar lives. I've been giving, albeit in the wrong way sometimes, for years now. It has only been spat back in my face with lies, manipulation, and what I would consider complete disdain. But, I have finally gotten to a point where I am FORCING myself to stop fixing.

OP, sounds like your friend needs to learn that some people just don't want to change. For whatever reason; fear, ignorance, self esteem; they just have to hit the lowest of the bottom before they realize it. And then, they may not even have the proper motivation to make it back up.

In short: she needs a backbone. It's hard to do, cause I'm doing it right now. Wish her luck from me...


BH (me): 31WXW: 31 (Still in the house!)
Married: Jan 2005DS: 6 years old
DDay #1: 12 Mar 2008Failed Recovery #1: Jun 2008 - Jun 2010
DDay #2: 28 Jun 2010Failed Recovery #2: Aug 2010 - Sep 2010
Plan A/Limbo: Sep 2010 - 24 Jan 2011
DDay #3: 29 Jan 2011
On OM#4, that I know of...
D Filed: 11 Feb 2011
D Final: 10 Jun 2011 (still waiting on prop division & custody)

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
Joined: Mar 2008
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CROSS your fingers!!!!
Mr. OD told her off and moved out yesterday. I told her it was an early x-mas gift.
He told her her paintings were stupid, her choice to rescue a poodle was "a stupid foo foo dog". She ownes her house, pays her bills, pays his bills (1.5 years) and does ALL (including mowing/shoveling and such) house work.

I am trying really hard not to tell her how to live (bad past habit of mine)... but I did give her the "sniff test" analogy.

You know when you meet someone new and you "fish" for info.
(Is this person in the "normal" range? ect.)
Well I talked to her about this. She would really like a man who is self supporting, does not drink like a sailor and does at least a share of housework.... you know the usual..

Well, I told her that (even though beautiful, gainfully employed and talented as she is) if she keeps people like "jon" hanging around her SHE will fail the "sniff test" of any decent guy who is looking at dating HER!

That gave her a moment, I think. I hope. I was over there, he texted and called her all night.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.

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