You do not have to leave your house for a plan B. I would make him leave though. If he is so callous as to refuse based simply on the fact that you are upset, well, I feel sorry for him. You derserve to be separated from the pain and disrespect he is causing from his childish IB.

I don't want to pump you up into doing something that will hurt you. So don't think I am saying, "Give up, your wasting your time, go party till ya puke you derserve it" This is about doing what is right and a reasonable expectation of your H doing so too. Its lost if you let what he does affect you till you fall.

Don't react to his crap, act on what is fair and you know is right. If he wants to act like a child what good does it YOU if you respond like one?

Let the opinions of others who might be buying his disrespectful critsizm of you,(which is soooo crappy that he is out there making fun of your efforts BTW) roll off your back hitch. We already know how his family is about everything.

Don't go down without a good fight. We are on your side.

Hi Constant

Thanks for your kind words. I won't react, i was calm both last night and this morning.

Completely worn out, everyone is telling me to Plan B, phoned my sister and was crying down the phone, she told me to pack his stuff change the locks and put his stuff in our other house. She couldn't believe that I had cooked him a meal before he went away and just sat in the pub drinking. She said Hitch this has gone on too long, you've cried to many tears over him and no one deserves to be treated this way. Spoke to my best friend she said the same, she said that its the only thing that will make him snap out of the fog.

H has gone away now not sure when he is back, probably Sunday. I suppose this would be a good time for Plan B, as I can sort things out whilst he is away. Another part of me feels like waiting to see how he is when he gets back from his weekend, and write the letter that JL said telling him about my feelings, hopes, fears and dreams for the future. Big decision. I know Plan B would have more impact with him leaving the house. I will think on it. It feels drastic Plan B with things had started to improve lately. Makes me feel that I haven't been doing enough communicating with him.

I'm sorry you are feeling down at the moment. I cannot summerise well enough to say what made Ivetz's H to commit, I guess it was the result of progress Ivetz made by "manning up" and setting boundaries. And I think she didn't have PB, but I maybe wrong, I was quite overwhelmed with the boundary setting process, because this was the time in my M where we talked a lot about boundaries.
But, I assume you don't have much time to read her story, because you have your own sitch to handle.
It seems to me and worries me that your H acts like he has something to hide, and even writes you a long text about it. That may be the reason why he is lashing out, because he sees you as a threat to his As to be revealed, and to his IBs to be addressed.
It also worries me that you don't all of a sudden seem remorseful towards him because your own choice to have an A at the first place. You don't focus much on communicating your feelings, but his own actions back to him. You have great support here, if you are feeling low, don't lash it on your H, lash it out here instead.
Even if he has the A... Me and my H both had affairs during our marriage, but it doesn't mean that the surface is flat now, that my A is the same as his A and we should be even and move on. He still processes my poor choices, and he does it his own way and time.

I have calmed down a lot since this morning and worried that I handled last night badly. Looking back I shoud have waited until this morning when he was sober and communicated my feelings to him rather than follow him to the pub. I just needed to know where he was.

Its just that things start to improve, like dinner on Monday, then things like last night happen.

I get so down with it all, can't believe how much hard work this is. All of my friends and family are surely thats enough now.

I don't think I did enough Plan A to show him I loved him. I have done things like listen to him talk about his business, look after him when sick, do small gestures like sort his jumper out, but I haven't done anything romantic like buy him flowers or send random messages telling him I love him. When I told him I loved him on Monday he asked me out for diner.

I just think I have been so hurt by his IB and A's that when we move forward and he regresses it just sends major triggers for me.

I would apprecate any thoughts... Hitch x

The same thoughts. If you love him, then love him. No excuses. If you don't, then let him go.

Think of it from his side.

You meet his needs. He makes a mistake or does something you don't like. So you are "triggered" and stop meeting his needs. How is that helping him feel loved?

If he does something that bothers you, then tell him, respectfully, but keep doing the things that you do that demonstrate love to him. Keep doing the things that meet his needs.

Do this as long as you are hoping to save the relationship.

I see you as this emotional yo-yo. If things are good, you are willing to meet needs. If he does one thing, you pull back. How is that safe for EITHER of you guys?

If you are there, then be there. If you are out, then be out.

Don't be a yo-yo. It's not fair to him and it does you no good.

Yes i think you are right Enlightened, I am so afraid of him leaving me that when he does something like that I;

1. Worry that he is still in active affair (he has hardly been out so this is not true).
2. Frightened he will go back to his old ways, going out all the time, sleeping with OW.....
3. That he wants to leave me so acts out, so I leave him instead
4. That he does not love me, so whats the point of trying, too painful to stay a get more rejection/hurt

I have been emotionally yo-yoing. How do I put this right Enlightened? He has gone away now for the weekend and I am not flapping.....Maybe I should send him a text.....

Thanks so much for your advice.

You have ZERO control over what he does. You have 100% control over what you do.

If you are going to MB, then MB. If not, then don't. But you do what you are going to do regardless of his behavior because plan A is not about his behavior, it's about showing him your behavior. It's not a plan were you behave only if he's responding. It's a plan where you behave because that's what you've decided to do.

When your time for plan A is up, you then decide to continue or move to plan B.

But you have to plan A for your time, and if you LB, start the clock over again, and plan for your pre-planned period.

I.E. if you plan to plan A for 6 months, but have a serious lapse and love buster fest after a month, you start the clock over again and plan A for the next 6 months.

That way, you can say you did it, and then if he doesn't respond, you decide if you are going to remain in plan A or move to plan B.

So far, you've been in plan YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO. Neither A, nor B.

Ok I get you.

I was thinking of sending him a text in the morning saying

I over reacted, I am sorry. I was upset you did not answer your phone and that you didn't come home when you said you were going to. I will not be packing your stuff this is your home too. Go win some golf and enjoy your weekend.

I have always been told I am an emotional yo yo. I need to look at that.

I would appreciate some thoughts on the text?

Thanks for your support.

Will the text meet a need he has specifically stated? Or is it simply something you like to do.

If he's said he likes it when you text, then text. If he doesn't like it, or ambivalent, then it's not likely going to have the desired impact.

So what specific need of his does your texting him meet?

He does like texts, under normal circumstances!

I suppose the main reason for the text is that he left on bad terms this morning and I want him to relax and enjoy this weekend without worrying about stuff.

I am going to send him a text

I overreacted, I am sorry. Enjoy your weekend and go win some golf x

Would appreciate any thoughts?

Act-----To do something purposly with the intention of a specific expected result.
Re-act--- To emotionally respond to actions of others without thought. To allow them to control you through your emotions or fears. To defend yourself sometimes within a situation that only breeds more pain and frustration because you give others actions to much importance.

Mainly Hitch, what I am trying to say is, If you continue to buy the immpression that H is trying to sell you, that you are not worth his time, you WILL break down and react.

Its up to you to be the big girl and refuse to buy it and I won't let the excuse of how much it hurts fly with me esspecially with all your support.

Hope this helps you recover and maintain you, right now your the one looking for help, he is off being a brat..

sounds great, hes off without you? His loss sweety

Get what I am saying?

Popping in, Hitch. I haven't read through your whole thread, but from the brief skimming over the last few pages, I think Niitse is right on with her assessment.

Early recovery is HARD, for both the BS and the WS. I totally get the emotional yo-yo stuff. The sooner you can find peace and center yourself, the sooner you can start helping recovery (either marital or personal). That's much easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know.

Listen to JL. He is a calm voice of reason, and he gives solid advice.

Also: can you counsel with the Harleys? They are excellent at talking you off the ledge, so to speak, and giving you a plan. And that plan will help ground you when the yo-yo is getting out of control.

I will try giving you the same advice I gave ivetz, saddest, etc.: figure out what you stand for, and start there. For me, for example, this started with a simple commitment to honesty. Honesty with my words, honesty with myself, honesty with my actions.

This not only betters you, it grounds you. When my DH would make negative remarks about my affair, or do what I felt was questioning my character, my integrity, and/or my actions, I knew I was upholding my commitment to honesty - and that, coupled with the understanding that only I can make my own choices, I am in charge of my life, I can choose how to act and not react, I am the source of my own self-esteem... well, it made it easier to stay focused, stay emotionally more stable, more grounded.

Does that make sense? This is all off the top of my head, and I'm writing in bits and pieces, so I hope you find something useful. I will try to catch up and add anything that might be useful.

Hitch, have you read this?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Particularly, Basic Concept #8: The Three States of Mind in Marriage

He said:

He�s moved from withdrawal to conflict! This is a step in the right direction.

I am actively seeking the state of conflict with my H � but not in the way that sounds. I�m checking in, raising the A when I would rather pluck out my eyes with pincers, pressing the issue, trying with all my might to tell him what I'm thinking and feeling.

I still examine every feeling I think about sharing, thinking "how will he treat this? Am I OK with him knowing this about me? Am I OK knowing he will have this in his filing cabinet?" About 95% of the time the answer is "no", and I keep the feeling in my head where it is safe. But 5% is better than 0% and in time that percentage will rise if I teach him how to treat my feelings. Same for him. I have to cherish each thing he tells me, anger and fear included, and tell him I'm grateful that he's giving me his feeling to care for.

Your H handed you some feelings, and I think you retreated into withdrawal. I'm not being critical of you AT ALL -- your circumstance is way different from mine. I just think the model in the article is dead on and may give you a way of identifying where you are, which brings its own comfort.

Did you ever see the movie �Man on a Wire� about the guy who strung a tightrope between the twin towers of the World Trade Center?

I feel a great deal like that � balance, nausea of falling, balance check, move forward, lose balance, step back, balance check, balance, move forward.

I want to dance on that wire like he did. I want moving on that wire with grace and courage to be second nature. But first I have to go through balance, nausea of falling, balance check�

I hope this helps.

Saddest

Hi guys

Thanks for your advice and guidance. I have been doing Plan A well but tiredness, anxiety and despair got the better of me and I reacted to my H behaviour. I am not going to send him a text I will just let him get on with his weekend.

I need to get myself strong again, so here is my plan:

1. Stop obssessive thinking about the situation. So that includes constantly checking MB forum, and stop thinking about it 24x7.
2. Look after myself, that's gone down hill lately. Cut down on wine, stop smoking, start running, eat well and early nights ( stop checking MB in middle of night)!
3. Do not react to H IB behaviour, just communicate feelings appropriately.
4. Start doing more romantic things for H instead of just practical things.
5. As SH advised try to aim for SF with H, building on physical contact hugging ect....
6. Build relaxation into my day such as meditation, massage ect...
7. Stop negative thinking, this has a lot to do with yo yo mentality.

Thank you enlightened, constant, mrs V and sickofthis. Don't know what I would do without this place.

The calmer, more balanced and centred Hitch! X

Thanks Constant, I get ya! Am focused now...

I can always rely on you to make me chuckle saddest! get those pincers out!!! thanks for checking in, hope things are going well for you...

Hitch2007,
Lets take a step backwards here, Monday you told him you loved him and you went out and enjoyed yourselves......he felt safe with you and felt that you truly loved him and wanted him(not the OM).......I'm sure he feels like you gave up already on him........
I think he is hurting and doesn't feel safe with you, I don't think he is setting out to hurt you, in his mind he is protecting himself from being attached to you emotionally so he won't get hurt again.......(by YOU) in his words trying to move on........
He probably can't believe where the two of you are now with everything that has happened, I'm sure he would like to just change all that has happened and all the obstacles that now are between the two of you......
Putting himself out on that limb is hard and he is afraid of being hurt again.....
If he didn't care he wouldn't have sat in his car for an hour, he just doesn't know what to do to fix how he feels, he doesn't know how to trust you, he doesn't know how to get over all the mistrust and devastation he is feeling......
He wants to, just know how to get there yet.
If i were you I would send the text and say you are sorry for over reacting and that you really do love him and you wish the two of you could just love each other again and be happy.......
When he returns you can do a great Plan A and this means committing yourself to this, and this means not worrying about what he does, or how he reacts or what he does.......you worry only about what you do and say, make sure you are totally open about your feelings for him and show him in no uncertain terms that you love him, he doesn't really believe your word right now, but your actions will be clear and send the message you want to send....he will see it and he will slowly feel safe with you.....
If he truly wanted out he would be gone Hitch2007............
He loves you he just doesn't know what and how to get back to you and him.......