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I've been perusing the forums here for a while now, and finally decided to ask for advice.

My wife of 2 years got a new job in April, and immediately started spending more and more time away from home. She would leave instantly to hang out with her new coworker (who lives in our apartment complex). She would do this even if we had plans.

I discovered that she was telling bizarre stories about me to her new coworker, and telling her very personal things about me...after only knowing her for a few weeks. She mentioned to me that her friend was constantly unfaithful to her husband, and that at her new job, "everyone is married but cheats."

I noticed that she spent more and more time at work and with her friend. She would chat on Facebook 4 hours a day. I didn't mind this at first, because my wife has always had problems making friends, and I tried to support her. But I eventually told her that I didn't like her to be gone every day, and asked her nicely not to reveal personal details about me or us to someone whom she had not known for very long. She got angry, and started spending more time away, including canceling our Labor Day weekend plans and going off with her friend.

This made me suspicious, and when I looked at her computer I saw it was suddenly password protected. I found her password and took a look. She had been going out with someone she had gone out with before we met, and was telling people she was in love with him. She also was saying that "there are a couple of other guys, but something always gets in the way." She had been trying to have sex with a coworker who was married, and bragged about how close she was to "breaking him down."

There were also many more weird untrue stories about how horrible I am, including events that never took place. It was beyond weird to read. She was talking to her coworkers about how she was, as she calls it, "flirting" with multiple men, and how they wanted her. She had been going "out for drinks" regularly with at least two different men whom she wanted.

She came home (from a party apparently) as I was leaving that holiday weekend. She yelled at me incessantly. It was the day before our 2nd anniversary. She said she wanted a divorce, and that she wanted me to leave now. She said she never wanted to see me again.

I checked her computer again, and saw that this had been going on for months. She was telling people that "we both have completely checked out of this relationship." When I confronted her about seeing other men behind my back, she denied it for weeks. When I showed her evidence, she said "That's true, but that's all that happened." She would say this every time I showed her something new.

Now she states that she never loved me, she got married because she didn't want to be alone, and she never actually had sex with anyone. She has still continued to treat me the same way as was usual, she always is all over me, still wants sex, constantly touching me, etc.

Should I even bother with trying to sort this out? She claims she has done nothing wrong, and that it was inexcusable for me to look through her things.

Thanks for any advice you can give, apologies for the length- I tried to summarize as best I could.

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RT74 - one big question before anything else. Do you have any children?


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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RT74 Offline OP
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No children. We both do not want them, and we mutually agreed on a vasectomy for me last year.

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How old are you?
She?

Short M.

Before you can do anything, you need to put a key logger on her computer and snoop.
You can't even really begin to do any MB strategies until you have the truth.
Read Surviving an Affair. It will give you great insight.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
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Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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RT74 Offline OP
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Im 35, she is 25. We have been together for 5 years.

Now that she knows I have looked at it, she never uses her computer at home anymore. She makes her phone calls and uses her computer at work now. I managed to see most of her chat logs already, thanks to her not knowing how to clear her history. She did initially make the claim that she "made sure to leave no traces online" for me to find.

She claims that now she hasn't "been talking to anyone," and that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, except that she doesn't want to be with me. She is spending most of her time at home, spending time with me like we used to, but she refuses to talk about any of this.

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Originally Posted By: RT74
Im 35, she is 25. We have been together for 5 years.

Now that she knows I have looked at it, she never uses her computer at home anymore. She makes her phone calls and uses her computer at work now. I managed to see most of her chat logs already, thanks to her not knowing how to clear her history. She did initially make the claim that she "made sure to leave no traces online" for me to find.

She claims that now she hasn't "been talking to anyone," and that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, except that she doesn't want to be with me. She is spending most of her time at home, spending time with me like we used to, but she refuses to talk about any of this.


She needs to quit that job. Today.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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She will not quit the job. She says she loves it, and has room to get promoted.

The problem is that she gets advice from people who she has been telling these radical stories about me. She refuses to admit that she has done anything wrong.

I do admit that prior to this I hadn't been meeting her emotional needs, and I did start to withdraw when I saw she wasn't spending any time with me.

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Originally Posted By: RT74
She will not quit the job. She says she loves it, and has room to get promoted.

The problem is that she gets advice from people who she has been telling these radical stories about me. She refuses to admit that she has done anything wrong.

I do admit that prior to this I hadn't been meeting her emotional needs, and I did start to withdraw when I saw she wasn't spending any time with me.


Have you talked to any of these people yourself?


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Ok, you have several things on your plate, but the next steps you take are important and they should be taken regardless of whether or not you wish to save your marriage.

1. Expose. You need to expose her behavior to her family and co-workers and very importantly to her facebook friends. Let them know that your wife has been cheating, that you wish to save your marriage (if you do) and that you would appreciate their help and support. Do not warn her at all about this and just do it. Warning her will allow her to paint you as crazy and will blunt your efforts.
2. Get a lawyer.
3. I hope you didnt get a vasectomy. Whatever you do, dont have children with her right now, if ever.
4. Protect your finances. Move all joint account funds into an account only you control. This is to protect you from getting cleaned out, something she will try to do.

Finally, others will disagree with me on this point but I offer this advice: You married a clearly immature woman. You havent been married long. She has no respect for marital vows and shows some very deep psychological problems by her behavior (insecurity, a need for male attention, poor boundaries). My guess is that she suffered from sexual abuse at some point in her life.

Now, having not been married long, being married to an immature woman that is cheating on you, and given that you have no kids my advice is to divorce her, work on you, and then only date women in their 30s who have more maturity, are closer to your age, and can respect the institution of marriage.

Regardless of what you do, best of luck.

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Yes, she had a falling out with her "new friend," and I spoke to her. She told me some of the ridiculous things she had been saying about me. Very embarrassing.

Apparently she almost lost her job because she would make up stories about me and just tell anyone who would listen, including men she was "flirting" with...which apparently was a lot. She did it to the point where all she was doing at work was complaining about me- about things that never happened.

Her friend told me that she doesn't know of her having sex with anyone, but there were men she didn't know about as well.

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Honestly RT, she is way too young and immature for you. If she's running around cheating on your now after 2 years, just imagine how much you would have to put up with after 20 years (not that you would last that long). She probably wants you to foot the bill while she runs off and fools around with whoever she wants. She is using you. You have no children. You've only been married for 2 years. Your WW is extremely immature and hasn't grown up yet. It's time to say to yourself, "whoops, I made a mistake choosing the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with," and use that experience to choose more wisely in the future. Your WW has a character flaw that you probably conveniently overlooked.

What I would do is expose her affair to her friends and family, file for divorce, and kick her out of the apartment. If you can't kick her out, break your lease and find somewhere else. She needs to start footing her own bill, and you need to stop letting her use you. This marriage is not worth saving.

Now, there is the very small possibility that by kicking her out, cutting her off, and filing, she'll come crying back to you. The ONLY way that I would let her back is if she agrees to your conditions including counseling, marital boundaries, accounting for time, complete transparency, etc. If you wanted to save your marriage, my advice would probably be the best bet. She doesn't seem the type to leave a man until she has the next guy lined up, so if you dump her first, she'll probably come running back, not that you should take her back. I think she's clearly flawed. Why would you want to be with someone trying to run around on you and making up stuff about you?

Last edited by jmwc95; 09/23/10 09:31 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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RT74 Offline OP
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I actually have told her father about what she was doing (the married man she was going after is a friend of his), and he was not phased. She has apparently been telling her family that I am making all of it up. Some of her friends, as well.

Others she actually brags about this to, which is bizarre to me.

I really want this to work, when she wasn't doing this, she was very good to me. It seems as if I'm the only one at this point, though.

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In total agreement with Jim and HTLD. You haven't been married long, have no kids together, and it doesn't look like you are going to get any support from her family.

Expose - not just to her friends and family, but to the wives of the men she's been flirting with and trying to 'break down'. A polite letter to the HR department where she works might also be in order. Kick her out, cut her off, and file for divorce.


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Originally Posted By: bitbucket
In total agreement with Jim and HTLD. You haven't been married long, have no kids together, and it doesn't look like you are going to get any support from her family.

Expose - not just to her friends and family, but to the wives of the men she's been flirting with and trying to 'break down'. A polite letter to the HR department where she works might also be in order. Kick her out, cut her off, and file for divorce.


I agree, I was thinking the same thing, you need to expose all the OM's wife's and g/f's that your wife has been flirting with him and trying to sleep with them.

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Originally Posted By: RT74
I actually have told her father about what she was doing (the married man she was going after is a friend of his), and he was not phased. She has apparently been telling her family that I am making all of it up. Some of her friends, as well.

Others she actually brags about this to, which is bizarre to me.

I really want this to work, when she wasn't doing this, she was very good to me. It seems as if I'm the only one at this point, though.


I know I'm going to totally shock HTLD, but I agree with him. I would file for divorce at this point. I'll even go so far as to say that she sounds mentally unstable.


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You say shes been good to you, yet she has cheated on you repeatedly, spreads lies about you, etc.

Your situation reminds me of me several years ago. I dated a very hot woman who was a bit crazy. Her hotness blinded me to her crazyness. I put up with the crazy because when things were good they were awesome and she was very attractive.

Life with her would have been a nightmare.

I too thought, Gosh, when things are good theyre awesome. Shes hot, exciting, fun, and the sex is great.

So I put up with flirting with other men, excessive drinking, cheating, and back and forth games she liked to play.

She was 19 and I was 25 and things didnt improve much with her getting older. You met your WW when she was 20. She is still very immature. I wouldnt date a 25 year old right now at all if I was in the market. (No offense to those ladies in their 20s).

Im in my 30s and find that women in their 30s have their heads on straighter, have a greater sense for who they are, and arent out exploring and experimenting with dating. They tend to know what they want.

I recommend that if you end up divorced, which from the looks of it will happen either now or later, but a woman like this is really messed up. I recommend you heal and stick to dating women in their 30s.

Come on, man! Dont you deserve better than this?

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Thanks for the advice, gang. I guess I was looking for anything salvageable at this point, even though in the back of my head I was thinking there isn't.

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You are a 35 year old man. You are going to do what you really want anyway...
but you seem terribly young to be putting up with this type of behavior.

No kids
Compulsive liar.
You know, some compulsive liars get others to believe them.
2 year M.
It is really hard to give you advice on fixing this, when you really don't seem that angy that you are being used.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

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DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted By: barbiecat
You are a 35 year old man. You are going to do what you really want anyway...
but you seem terribly young to be putting up with this type of behavior.

No kids
Compulsive liar.
You know, some compulsive liars get others to believe them.
2 year M.
It is really hard to give you advice on fixing this, when you really don't seem that angy that you are being used.


I would typically want to help a spouse, even in a 'young' marriage. But this wayward appears to have some mental issues that I don't think can be handled in a typical MB way. The compulsive lying sounds almost psychotic. IMO. Sorry, RT.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 09/23/10 10:45 AM.

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Originally Posted By: RT74
I really want this to work, when she wasn't doing this, she was very good to me.


I want to win the powerball, but I'm going to keep my job because it's probably not going to happen. Anyone can sustain a relationship and put on a good for for a short while. Your WW is finally showing her true stipes that were there all along. She was just able to hide them long enough to get you on the hook for supporting her.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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