Sorry , I do not have the time right now to update my thread.

But we are facing a issue right now & we need some guidance.

My H is a week into no contact how can I deal with the constant ? is contacting her or is she contacting him.

My H has said when I question him, he hasn't had issues with wanting that contact until I ask him. So in general without trying to I'm triggering his need for contact.

How do we deal with this so I get my reassurance but I'm not triggering him.

My thread & info is stated below for the folks that do not remember my stitch.

How can he PROVE to you there has been no contact? Ask him to come up with a solution that can help you relax. Remember, it is his job to prove to you he is being honest and trustworthy.

What is HE doing to ensure there is no contact again? If his need is "triggered" then what is he doing to prevent contact?

Is this OW married and if so, does her husband know? Has the affair been exposed to everyone?

Has all contact ended? They dont' work together do they?

I would also suggest that you stop asking and start snooping like a blood hound. Slap a key logger on his computer, install a voice activated recorder in his car, whatever is necessary to watch him like a hawk.

No they r not co-workers. She was a FORMER customer thou , so that is part of the issue.




My H has made some great changes :

1) I have possesion of affair phone/sim card
2) He has called or texted me when the thought has occurred of contact.
3) I have all e-mail passwords (work e-mail is webbased so he has installed that on my laptop so I can monitor it) & password to personal cell phone records.

The issue comes in when he drives a company truck with gps installed by head qtrs. A vars may interfere with that.

Company owned laptop that has it's own keylogger installed ( I have no access to )

Company issued Cell phone ( that i have no access to its records )Has stopped deleting call logs ... so that is a plus.

I can see he really is trying to make the effort & he is trying to be patient with me & comfort me as much as he can at the moment.

any other ideas besides nagging him?

Is the OW married?

This comment does not bespeak a sincere person. Not asking him triggers your fears so he needs to deal with this and do more to reassure you.

instead of telling you he feels triggered, he needs to assure you of his plan to avoid acting on those triggers. What is his plan to ensure he remains faithful?

No,she is not married.

He has not come up with a concrete plan for this not to happen again. Except for using each other for support & using MB concepts.

Quitting his job would solve a lot of my concerns but I do know providing for us financially is a major need for him. I can't ask him to take a lower paying job to make me feel better. It would crush him & his self esteem to not provide for us.

He is in sales starting over with new company would drastically cut his current salary.

bump ... needing all of the help I can get

8thgraders, if his job created the environment that led to the affair, then I would discuss getting a new job with him. It would do much more harm to your marriage if his job made an affair possible. If you can affair proof his job, then so be it. But if his job is bad for your marriage, you are better off finding something else.

The most important thing is affair proofing your marriage. This is not about "making you feel better" but about protecting your marriage.

Keeping his job will likely cause your M more problems. Your H needs to put the horse before the cart. His priorities/"needs" are skewed. His first priority needs to be to do whatever it takes to keep your M safe and secure. If it means taking a lower paying job, so be it. Cut your budget accordingly. It is that important.

Like MaritalBliss says, the marriage needs to come first. The career next.

Ok...your the vets & have the t-shirts with the gold stars to prove it

Lets play the what if game ? What can I do in the mean time ?

Except drive myself nuts ? lol

Please do not misunderstand. I appreciate all of your help so not trying to blow you off or your suggestions.

But a new job is not going to happen any time soon with this economy, what can I do in the mean time ?

In the meantime, he needs to come up with creative ways to make you feel safe, such as complete transparency, etc. The safer he makes you feel the less likely you will be triggered.

What is his plan if the OW tries to call him? How will he stop that?

He assures me he will not answer the phone. We both have thought of requesting phone# be changed but all she would have to do is pose as another customer & call the office & they would give her the number since it is a company owned cell phone. So yep this is driving me nuts !

Can he block her # completely?

My H couldn't change his work number either. Here's how we prepared for a possible call from OW to him:

He was to say "I have someone in my office right now. What is your phone number and I'll call you right back."

Of course, OW would have been only too happy to give him her number. He was to immediately call me with it.

I would return her call. OW wouldn't have been too happy to hear from me.

We actually role-played this so he would be prepared.

He uses a older razor phone for work .... haven't figured out how to block her #. Some times she comes in as private or anoynous.

I know he is really trying, but this is fresh & I don't want to drive him away by obsessing. Or him feeling like I will never get over this.

I/me,daughter,him have exposed to close friends & family. We are still trying to keep it out of our work places as much as possible.

The man I married is showing up again & I'm remembering why I fell in love with this man. So I want to do everything I possibly can to help this along

This is not going to end well. Your WH will have to LEAVE HIS JOB.

I trust your opinions ....

In the mean time does anyone know how to block phone on a razor phone from ATT ?

8thgraders, waywards will find a way to contact each other as long as they are both willing. You need to work a plan with your H to cover that base. What is his plan, if she should contact him?