I CAUGHT MY WIFE HAVING AN AFFAIR, THEN FOUND OUT IT WAS HER SECOND IN A YEAR AS WELL AS TWO ONE NIGHT STANDS
I KNOW 3 OF THE MEN AND FOUND OUT MANY DETAILS OF WHERE AND WHEN
SHE IS 45 AND LIKE A TEENAGER HAD SEX IN THE BACK SEAT OF OUR CAR NUMEROUS TIMES AS WELL AS ORAL SEX IN THE FRONT
MY MOST PAINFUL IS THAT SHE TOOK HER BIRTHDAY OFF WORK AND RENTED A HOTEL TO MAKE LOVE TO HIM ALL DAY
THEN RETURNED HOME TO OUR SON THE ME TO CELEBRATE. SHE BEHAVED AS IF ALL WAS NORMAL. SHE HAS CLAIMED SHE LOVES ME AND NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME. HER ONLY EXPLANATION IS SHE WAS IN A FOG AND BURIED IT ALL. I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN WITH THE FIRST DISCOVERY AND SHE NEVER SHOWED COMPASSION OR GUILT TILL CAUGHT THEN SHOWED REMORSE. SHE IS TRYING VERY HARD TO SHOW ME SHE LOVES ME AND ONLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME. THIS IS THE FIRST ATTEMPT BY HER IN 10 YEARS OF ME BEING INVISIBLE
IT IS SO SAD BECAUSE AS PATHETIC AS IT IS I STILL LOVE HER WITH MOST OF MY HEART. HER FATHER HAD MANY AFFAIRS WHILE SHE WAS GROWING UP AND HER MOM COMMITTED SUICIDE WHEN SHE WAS 11
SHORTLY AFTER BECAUSE SHE RECEIVED NO LOVE OR CARING SHE DISCOVERED SEX MADE HER FEEL LOVED AGAIN AND THAT SHE WAS WANTED. I WILL ADD MORE LATER AS MY ANXIETY IS TOO MUCH NOW. **edit**

clown, calm down hon. I know you're in shock. Please remember to breathe! You can make it through this.

This place CAN help you. As a service to us, could you please edit your post so it isn't all in caps? It is really hard to read.

Now as to your situation. You're wife has some major issues, but this website has a plan that can help you.

First - you know 3 of the men. Who are they? How did she meet them? Are they married? Is she still in contact with them?

Next - how long have you been married? You mention a son, how old is he? Is he from this marriage?

Finally - has her behavior been exposed? Who knows about it?

The mind movies will fade with time as you work through recovery. It can get better! But you have a lot of work ahead of you. Hard work. You will have to do some difficult and painful things. But you CAN come out the other side of this.

Please, contact your physician and see if you can get a prescription for the roller coaster of emotions you're experiencing. You're gonna need your head on straight to deal with what is coming.

Please come back and post when you can.

Let�s see if I can do this in the correct and acceptable manner �

Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. My wife did pretty much the same stuff for ten straight years (half our marriage at the time) and with multiple Discovery Days (D-Days). There is strong evidence her adulteries were even going on prior to the start of her ten-year Very Long Term Adultery (VLTA.)

Your post leads me to believe your wife is basically who she is. I am quite certain you do not even know the half of it yet. She will say pretty much anything right now. She will appear to be willing to do pretty much anything right now. Do not believe her in the slightest.

Can you do anything to get her to change? Probably not. Meeting Emotional Needs does not directly help being married to fundamentally damaged people. Shoot, she might even be a sex addict. And if addictions are present she needs to address those addictions (and be successful at it) before you can apply marriage therapy of any kind.

The only thing I agree with in the previous reply to you is to calm down. You need a clear head to decide if you even want to remain married to this person before you do anything else. Take your time, gather information, put you and your son first .

There is no silver bullet for this.


PS: You are not a clown. I know exactly how you feel. You have been fooled, but you are not a fool. Repeat as needed. Maybe change your user name to something more positive.

And for the record, it has been over five years since my most recent D-Day, and my mind movies have not faded in the least.

Hi Aphelion !

Hope you are doing well personally.

Of course some folks are fundamentally broken, and so normal psychological tools and techniques are not effective. This group included addicts and folks with mental or emotional disorders and you know well.

I'd argue that its not a high percentage of WS or OP that fall in this category so until it has been determined for sure that the WS is not likely to be receptive to MB I still think its the best plan.

Also Aph, as I told the original poster having a happy marriage is the best way to minimise the hurt of "movies" in any or most folks. I'm not sure you have achieved such a marriage Aph,so it could be why your movies are still so vivid and hurtful.

Grim isn't it ? {{{aph}}}

Hey BP,

I am fine, actually. Better than fine. Powdery.

Well, you know what they say � everyone is crazy but you and me, and lately I have been wondering about you.

Attachment tends to blind BSs. IMO, and from personal experience, deciding degree of brokenness is the very first order of business. Allows for an immediate plan with definite closure. Reduces residual pain.

I think significant brokenness is a much higher percentage of adulterers than you might think. Way higher. But I am not a psychiatrist. I just have to live with them.

Call the counseling center, Clown. They are the nearest experts. Change that username too.

my wife new them all from school
two were married
the other is now
the other is not
we have been married for 18 years
my son is 23 and from a previous marriage and lives with us
he thinks of her as his real mom
her family knows and i contacted the men and confronted them
i am on medication
i have worked so hard for 9 years and it is only now
after i really catch her and she has a few breakdowns that she says has awakened her and she finally can feel life and me

The other men's wife's needs to know that their husband slept with your wife.

You need to expose this to everyone you know.

She needs to write NC (no contact) letter to all of the men she slept with or had a emotional affair.

Read "Surviving an affair" and "His Needs Her Needs" together

She needs to give you all access to her email, FB, text, etc

She also needs to tell you where she is at every second of the day

You need to take an STD test

And she needs to take a poly test so you can get ALL of the truth

Sorry you are here, but this is the best place for you right now.

clown, I am sorry you are here. Welcome to Marriage Builders. I would suggest you get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there.

I don't know if your marriage will make it, but I do know that if your wife does not dramatically change the environment that made her affairs possible that there is no chance. Has she made her life completely transparent and accounted for all her time to you? If she conducted her affairs over the internet, that is where I would start: get her agreement to never be on the internet alone. Changes like that are what it will take to save your marriage.

Additionally, I would contact all the wives of her OM and tell them about the affair. That will help ensure there is no resumption.

clown was the most positive name i came up with
gullible dreamer, pathetic, fool, married moron were other choices. i appreciate your suggestion but when clown no longer applies it will be changed. i have had many new discoveries
since i caught her 1 year ago. i at times can't let go of the need to find the truth to stories she had told me over the years and didn't make sense but my love never considered anything
inappropriate was happening. i had always told her she was the classiest lady and she was the only woman i had ever given everything i had to her, no walls, no protection, because she said a relationship can't have walls in the way

my kingdom for a wall

Then what is your next step?

What is your plan?

Have you thought about anything we have said?

i talked to all the women, one refused to believe me
the others were shocked and i know one broke up
she canceled her fb
i have access to the one email account that i will ever know about
her work email is not possible and she has an iphone
she knows now how to get away with it if she chooses
i'm tired of trying to catch her anyway
it was 9 years of "is she" and looking for things
it is draining
i have asked her to get tested and to be there for the results

i try everyday to think of nothing. i am drinking too much hoping to numb life
i don't remember being happy and dread waking up and doing
it all over again

sometimes i know if i didn't have my son i would not be here

Clown,

I get the clown name, it is almost like wearing clown makeup that others can see but you can't, then one day you look into the mirror and it is as plain as day.

I know other people at my wifes workplace knew what was going on, but said nothing to me, so for years after saw me as a chump.

God Bless
Gamma

You need to get evidence.

who have you told? These are the people who needs to know NOW

Family
Friends
Boss
Co-workers
etc. Show them the evidence.

Drinking will not help but worsen your situation

You need to read up on Plan A and start working on it now.

trying to communicate and have her be completely truthful
and open. regardless of the topic

we are working with some videos and books
i'm just trying to increase the amount we talk
disclosing more and more about each other, not about the affairs just each other as people
why does she want or love me now?

i will try whatever i can and she has committed to whatever it takes for us to make it

even then what can you believe as real or deceit

If you hope to recover your marriage this line of thinking will have to end. There absolutely should be walls in a marriage. But they shouldn't be built between a husband and wife. They have to be built around the husband and wife, as a measure of protection for the marriage.

Your sitch is happening in part because the two of you built a wall between each other - a wall of secrecy, of dishonesty, of deception. That wall will have to come down. And you'll tear it down by being completely transparent with each other about what you're thinking and doing at all times. It'll come down by both of you being completely honest with each other about your needs.

She played YOU for a fool and you feel like a clown but honestly, she is the clown not you.