Wow. I am SO happy to have found these forums! I pray they help me with decisions I make and come with good advice. I do own several books and a few of them are written by Harley. I must say while they have been an AMAZING tool on helping me with alot in my marriage, there are just some things a "book" can't do. That is where I hope these forums help me.

Please forgive me if post is a bit long. I want to give a clear & honest picture.

First off, we are a Christian couple. We have been together 16 years and married for 14 of those. We have 3 beautiful children. Oldest is in 8th grade and youngest in 4th. We met at a church camp 16 years ago and fell in love. We were pregnant at 18 with our first child and married by 19. Problems off & on over the years like any marriage.

I am now 34 year old man and can't believe the things that have happened. I am a good looking guy and was generally VERY out going. Until all of this. Now I am just broken. I am very proud to say that I have only sexually been with 3 people in my life. My wife being the 3rd & last. In todays world I feel that is an accomplishment to be proud of.

Now to the problem, PLEASE BE HONEST. No pain can exceed what I have been through all ready.
5 years ago I discovered my wife having an emotional affair with two men. One was a high school BF and the other a teacher at the school she worked at. We went through alot of pain BUT got through it somehow. We NEVER got any counseling for it. But we used this as a chance to "get everything on the table" and move forward together. She told me she thought I had affairs before which I never did. I was honest with her about the ONE instance that I considered bad on my end. I had a 3 month relationship talking to an old sweetheart on the phone that lived 4 states away. I explained to her I regretted it deeply and that I ended it 3 years earlier. Which I did. I NEVER saw her in person NOT ONCE. She swore she was not sexual with either of them. I believed her then. Not so sure now. Either way we moved past this and had a VERY good relationship for 4 years.

Now fast forward to this last summer. I lost my father to cancer and got very depressed. Lost my job too. During this time we struggled off & on. She was seeing a pain mgmnt DR and ended up on HUGE amounts of pain medicine. Life started spiraling downhill from there. She started running out of her meds faster & faster. Started hunting down the pills any way she could. Even caught her buying some off people. She is a nurse. During this time the State Board was pursuing charges on her about stolen meds at wrk and threatening her license. Still fighting the state on that one. The fighting between us went through the roof. I had surgery and ended up on some pills myself. Noticed me "not being me". Then I started realizing this had to stop. I quit. EVERYTHING. Decided to get back to work and pick my life up.

When I did that, she started accusing me of having affairs which I was NOT. She kept spiralling down. During this time she went to her sisters 250 mile away. I thought it was just to visit. She ended up gone off & on ALL summer. I kept begging her to get off everything and for us to get our lives back together. I sent her $$ so many times. When she was gone she gave me NO indication of us being "seperated" but just that we were having problems. One day toward the end of summer she came back in hysterics and so upset. She looked horribly thin and un healthy. She begged me for us to try hard and work things out. I agreed.

Then I found out she had a sexual affair with her step brother during the summer. I caught her emailing him on facebook and "other" emails after her return. Even though we were "working" on us. I stayed calm, gathered the evidence, and held it together. I decided to confront her with it in a very LOVING manner. I bought her a card, wrote her a letter, and gave her some flowers and sat down. In the letter I told her I forgive her and I understand. That I love her and we could work through this IF she chose to. Lots of things happened that day, too many to list. But bottom line she chose to try, that she would get treatment for the pills, and NEVER contact him.

A week later I cought her emailing him again. This same week she started treatment. She lied about the email at first but then had to admit it when I proved it to her. Then fast forward two weeks, she is still doing her treatment, but I cought another "work" email. He had not responded to her on these. Prior to this one, I contacted him. I told him I forgive him but I would NOT stand aside while they had this "affair". He is in the army and engaged to a woman. I told him I had NOT exposed the truth to anyone YET but would if this didn't stop. Told him i would push the UCMJ as well. Confronted her about this LAST one and told her I would tolerate NO MORE. That she must end this once and for all.

3 weeks have past. She is in the final stages of her treatment. I have been seeing "signs" that my wife is "coming back". Things I have not seen in years. SO MANY GOOD things! But it is still so hard to trust her. I want to, and feel I can with time......but it is just SO hard right now.

I checked her phone records. She contacted him a few weeks ago just once. Never told me about it. She doesn't know that I know this. But I did ask her if she has and she "swears" that since the last email there has been NO CONTACT. This is a lie as the phone record shows different. But it was just once that I have seen. I pray it was to "end it".
I just dont know.

It is so hard to trust her right now even though I am choosing to. I keep having these hurtful images of "them" in my head. I just don't know what to do. Please give me some opinions. PLease.
I am cosidering marriage counseling but I have heard SO many horror stories that can make things worse. I don't know. Sorry for the "book".

Sounds to me you need to expose this to everyone

Family
Friends
OM's wife
etc

Affairs thrive on secrecy the longer you put exposure off the longer you are enabling her affairs.

Welcome, hurtintx, sorry you have to be here, but we can help you.

First of all, understand that your W is in an ongoing A. You will have to expose this to critical people in your lives in order to kill it. Exposure ruins the 'high' of the affair drug.

One thing - you do not threaten to expose the A. This will serve only to drive the affairees underground and will make it harder to detect them.

You need to do some grade-A snooping. Put a keylogger on the computer. Track her cell phone calls. Make copies of all the evidence you can, like FB emails, texts (forward these to your own phone), etc.

First off, Harley's plans do NOT work if she is not in Recovery. It sounds like she is working on it but I just want you to be well aware....

Is she still working as a nurse? As far as I know (from someone I know IRL), you are not supposed to be working in that type of environment (access to medications) when you are an addict. So right off the bat I am concerned about this for you. There are veteran posters here who know more about this and hopefully they will stop by soon.

Secondly, you used the phrase "I am trying to trust her" or something along those lines. THAT would be a mistake. You cannot and should not trust her. It does not sound like she has committed fully to NC so you need to vigilant in your snooping. Has she agree to send a NC letter? Is she willing to change her phone no and email address and be completely transparent? These are the types of ACTIONS you would be looking for from a wayward to show that they are serious about NC and not just playing games with you...

And being that OM is a family member, are you well aware that NC means there can be no more family holidays, parties, weddings, etc where OM will be?

Her addiction to meds has to come before ANY R can begin. Why did she start the meds? Is the condition still present?

You need to expose the A as has been stated. The fiance MUST be informed now.

You should document all of this and keep it in a safe place. I'd keep an eye on your finances. Bank accounts tend to dwindle during A's. Some even cause bankruptcy. Protect you assets.

Most of all your children have to be your top priority. Where were they all summer? With a drugged up WW? YOU need to protect them from her bad behavior. They are not HER priority right now, she is. They must be YOURS. This situation may go the legal route in the future so plan ahead. Write down EVERYTHING.

If you want to R this M:

The A must be exposed to her family and yours. And the fiance.

Drug use must be stopped.

All contact between her and OM must be FOREVER ended. A letter should be written to him stating this. There's more info on the letter on this site. If you have questions, just ask.

She must become accountable to you for her time and whereabouts. Her life must be transparent. No secrets. You should have all passwords, etc.

The list goes on but that's a start. You've got a battle ahead. It's doable, but you have to have a plan. So read up on plan A.

Oh yeah....WS LIE. It's what they do. Addicts LIE. That's two strikes...DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS. Watch her actions and verify everything. You won't get your wife back until the meds are gone and the A fog has lifted...may be awhile.

It has been "exposed" to a select few. I confronted him, he swore it would stop. She chose to tell her mother, and her mother supports our marriage 100%. A few friends and some family know. Heck, one of her sisters actually SUPPORTS their affair! But she has been adulterous to every husband she has had. She even tried to have several with me which I told my wife about.
His fiance does not know, and neither does her father (his step-dad). I have not made any further contact with him because it would cause a huge fight. I told her I would not contact him any more after the one time. I really believe his "fiance" should know though.....one she has a right.....two so she doesn't end up like me with someone who cheated!
So I'm also not sure that "full exposure" to EVERYONE is truly a good answer. I do agree with it, but I dont feel like it's the best avenue.
Other's please chime in on this too.....

By the way, I dont think I was clear about the "recovery" part of things. By that I mean she has been receiving treatment for the pills. She is on a detox program and getting off of everything. Very expensive but effective

I did install a phone snoop program. I hate doing that. Makes me feel so wrong. But it records EVERYTHING done on the phone. There has been NOTHING done on there YET except the one time she contacted him.
I can't put anything on her work cpu or laptop because I don't own them or have access to them. Also that could get me in pretty big trouble I think. Don't know. I guess that is one area I might just have to "accept" I cant see.
My thinking is that if she is contacting him, eventually she will do so on her phone and I will see it.
Wouldn't you think ?

Yeah I realize this.....this is what I think ....and I think it could be awhile..........even just for my own recovery

She "seems" to be very transparent. Checks in with me every hour of every day and even sends me GPS check ups of her without my asking for it. Heck, he lives 250 miles away. And yes she does still nurse, just in a different kind of nursing that has NOTHING to do with any meds or contact with any. I know she is at the point now that she is happy to get off of everything. I do know that much is true.
BUT I DO NOT trust her. As bad as I want to, I just can't. And I am snooping like crazy and the snooping is driving me NUTZ

I have been making copys of everything I come across and keeping them in a VERY safe place. Just in case I need them.
The kids have been with me most of the time.
I do believe a HUGE factor in all of this was the drug abuse.....maybe I'm wrong, but I really feel it has been.
Thank you all with the help so far, please continue to give me feedback because it TRULY does help. I can not thank all of you enough.
If I forgot to address anything just ask me and I will tell.

Hurtintx,

His fiance does not know,

Please tell his fiance, my wifes affair with OM2 began before we were married, but continued for some time after as she kept working with him. I wish someone had come forward for my sake.

God Bless
Gamma