We were very very happily married for over 33 years He knew the night he met me that i was the woman he was going to marry. We loved and were soul mates and best friends. Now having just said that, this is going to make no sense at all but I left him when going through the worst mental illness of my life. He didnt understand, nor did I. I only knew that i had to get away from my life, yet not him, i kept in touch with him throughout, visiting home, cooking, sharing holidays, birthdays everything bed everything but i had moved out of our family home and into my own flat which i bought with money he had to take out a mortgage on our home to buy me out. It hurt him so much but i couldn't see that at the time.
I felt free and even flirted a little with other guys aaaaaaaaargh i didn't want them in my bed, i didn't actually want them at all but they made me feel good because i felt so bad about myself. I hated myself so much. I hated my life. I hated something that i didn't even know i had. He slept with a lady who had been flirting with him for years. He told me about her after sleeping with her 3 times and i was heartbroken. He came back to me after he saw just how upset i was and we were on honeymoon, that is until he said 'the door is still open you can move back in any time but you just have to stop with the cleaning cos i've got used to not living like that now' I froze, i knew i couldn't go back. We carried on as we were neither here nor there and not talking about it and eventually he went off with her again, telling her it was with no strings. I read a text which to this day he still doesn't know i did. I suspected and questioned him if he was seeing her and he denied it, then he came to me and asked for a divorce. I knew i just knew he was back with her and my pride wouldn't let me admit it, so i just said yes and then when he left, i shut myself away in my flat and just gave up on life.
I ended up in a mental hospital with a mental breakdown and it was at this point that i was diagnosed with severe depression and ocd which i had been living with all my life but had never known. Had never even heard of it nor had my husband. Yes we knew i was clean and quirky but we didnt know it had a name. I couldnt cope with what i didnt know i had any longer as i kept so much of it secret and that didnt make me feel good about myself. So how we used to laugh and joke about it eventually started hurting me more and more and i got angry inside in fact i became a volcano about to spew but tried to keep it in. He couldn't believe that i hadn;t known i had ocd and he honestly thoguht that when i floundered around saying maybe i dont love you any more, maybe i should have married my first boyfriend, maybe i married the wrong guy, maybe i dont want sex any more, maybe i'd be better off on my own, maybe, maybe, maybe. I was blaming it on all kinds of red herrings and none of them were the real reason but back then i hadn;t known the real reason and he had already come back to me once and then i had pushed him away again and so this time he was not going to give in easily and i eventually threw him out of the mental hospital whilst he was visiting me and telling me he was taking her on holiday to see what his feelings were for her aaaaaaaaargh We had a long time of not speaking and another 3 years before he set the divorce in motion. We went from taking the grandchildren out every saturday which ow hated and being friendly with me wanting him back and him seeing her to him putting the divorce in motion and me telling him i would speak to him through a solicitor from now on!!!
We've been divorced for 2 years and often been in contact through texts. He sends me one and i reply and then i send him one and he replies, it's like his turn, my turn and so it goes on. Aways polite and friendly texts defo no kisses. I know he sold our house and bought his own bungalow and later on she sold her house and moved into his place with him. He told our daughter he won't get married again and she was just for fun but has now been with her for 5 years!! Just recently he started to give me a kiss goodbye whenever we met up at our daughters. For a long time, i just stayed clear of when i knew he would be there so no contact and if we did meet up then a wave goodbye into the air would be it. The kiss is on the lips. Then just last week, he came back from his holiday with her and brought me back a box of turkish delight from his holiday - a replica of what he did when he took her on holiday to find out his feelings for her 5 years ago when he brought me back turkish delight then too and the year after that but then not again until this year!!!!
I still love him, never didn't love him and he knows i've had no other boyfriends and that i always wanted him back and never wanted the divorce. I've been so strong. I got myself back to the working place after the breakdown which meant going back to college and have been to counselling and worked on myself tirelessly without the support of a man and have even spoken out publicly about my own undiagnosed and unrecognised ocd to help others and hopefully prevent others from going through what i went through.
I don't blame my husband at all. He didn't know, no more than i knew what was going on. We both hurt one another and then reacted without knowing what was at the bottom of it all.
If anyone is still reading lol, what are your thoughts on why he may be doing the kisses and buying the gift from his hol when i am now the ex and he has moved on with a new partner? Red Poppy
