Fast story - H and I are doing fine, M-wise. He is an assistant soccer coach for a high school boys soccer team.

The head coach is a texter. If he has his druthers, he'd text rather than speak. He's one of those guys who texts 2000+ a month.

Background: H sees this guy every night at practice, from 5 - 7 pm, Mon-Fri. He also sees him at games on Saturdays.

When the season started last month, he started texting my H, all about soccer stuff (innocent, I see all the texts.) It became intrusive, IMO, when he started sending H texts at 10:00 at night.

I told H that we need to have our UA time, uninterrupted by nonessential texts from the guy. We decided a POJA that he could receive texts from the guy between 9 am and 9 pm. He could not text H before or after that. H made sure the coach understood that. (I must add the this coach eats, sleeps & breathes high school soccer. His son told H that he wished his dad would spend a little time with them as opposed to immersing himself in soccer. It is very obvious that he is using soccer to avoid some issues in his M, but that's another story.)

Anyhoo. About a week ago, H told the coach our parameters for texting. Not before 9 am, not after 9 pm. All seemed well. Until tonight, when I checked H's cell phone use from yesterday. And there it was: eight texts between them, starting at 8:12 am and ending at 8:25 am (not coincidentally, I leave for work around 8:10 every morning.)

I feel totally disrespected right now. We had a POJA! I feel like both of them are totally selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings. It is a line in the sand for me. I told H that ANY texts to him trigger me because of the texting he and OW did. He totally agreed with the hours that were acceptable and I listened to him dictate these to the coach.

Here's what I plan to tell him when he gets home from coaching tonight:
1. He has to quit coaching, or
2. He has to change his cell phone # and not tell the coach (who can call him at his office) or
3. Leave this marriage.

His texting yesterday tells me that he is willing to risk pushing my boundaries for weaknesses. That's a huge concern to me - if he feels he can do that with something as innocent as this, is he now behaving with wayward tendencies??

I would say that you have a giant taker moment brewing right now, and WHY NOT? You are going to need to talk to your H about this for sure. I think that this comes more under a POJA again. He was obviously NOT okay with the set up that you had thought you POJA'd and I think that you need to express your feelings in that. Is his texting a huge trigger for you? Is it something that should have been put on the EP and JC list? I am just throwing this out there.

I know that I myself have not had a chance to recovery, so I don't know the ins and outs. Take my advice as it is being offered. I am a bystander with limited and "young" information.

I hope you can get through this intact.

This is tough - how do you POJA someone else's behavior (the other coach's)? How about your husband doesn't answer any texts except between the hours of 9am and 9pm (heck, I'd make it 7 or 8 pm, so it doesn't cut into family time). So if the other guy texts, he'll be ignored. Your husband can't control the other guy's behavior, only his own.

I know you're (rightfully) upset about this, but are you up for reworking the POJA?

Martes

bliss, you are such a straightforward and insightful poster, I feel like the following question is probably going to be a "duh, yes, I did that" - but speaking from my own experience, where (hopefully all in the past now) I'm not always the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to thinking of others (especially my DH, especially in light of my wanting to please people and avoid social awkwardness), I thought I would ask:

Does your H need a reminder about why texting is such a big thing? His willingness to break the texting rules when you're not around suggest he doesn't give this as much weight as you do. How on board with MB is he? Could you remind him (in a non-educating, non-lovebusting way, of course! ) about not being the source of your spouse's unhappiness?

Sorry if this is unhelpful - you have a right to feel affronted, and I hope your H realizes his mistake in violating the POJA to which you both agreed.

MaritalBliss, your H can only negotiate that which he has control over. He has no control over what the coach does. What he can control, though, is turning his phone off during those times.

Since he can't control the coach, why not POJA something he has control over? And that is NOY reading the texts during your time.

I am more concerned with this? Where do you get in 15 hours of UA time with a schedule like this?

MY BAD! I confronted H when he got home tonight and he was furious - NO WAY would he disrepect my parameters! And he didn't. I forgot that our cell phone bill posts an hour behind what actually happened. (don't know why.) So all the calls were within my parameters.

Guess we'll have to 'make up' tonight.

MB???? I am confused. How can he control when the coach texts him? All he can do is ask the coach not to text him at certain times. If the coach breaks that rule, he cannot control that. POJA has to apply to things he CAN control.

Glad to hear it was a misunderstanding, bliss! Enjoy making up!

Good point about not being able to POJA something that isn't within the spouses total control. Hopefully it wasn't too much of an LB for him when you confronted. Take care.

To answer another post: DH's father is elderly and is terminally ill, so he won't turn off his cell. We have no land line, so that's the best way nurses & family can reach him.

Actually, he asked the coach not to call or text during 'our' time and the coach has honored that.

I think another thing that annoys/concerns me is that the coach thinks DH should eat, sleep & breathe soccer like he does. The coach spends no time with his family. When he IS at home he is on the phone with people about soccer. When he has free time he refs soccer to earn extra money. He does not understand why DH doesn't have soccer at the same priority level he does.

I don't want DH to slide into a culture of neglect from this steady diet of marital neglect he's seeing in the other coach. I don't see that happening, but I will weed that out vigorously and let the whole world know I'm doing it. I'm just a real mama bear about my M since the A.

Hence my hypersensitivity, in addition to the trigger that texting can bring.

Oh, sister, you know I'll never let UA slide! Yep, our schedules are as hectic as the next couple - maybe more than some. We're a pretty good reference for posters who whine that they're too busy to fit in 15+. (And remember - their soccer season is Sept. & Oct. After that he's home every night.)

The first thing we did was look at what our most important ENs are. We both have SF, recreational companionship and conversation high on our lists. We make it a point to cover those needs first when we're together.

Here's how we typically do it:
We have lunch together 2-3 times a week, Mon-Fri.

DH gets home at 7:30 and we have family time til 9:30. (This is the point where we would be talking as a family, making a snack together, etc, and suddenly his cell phone would sound off with a text from the guy he'd just spent two hours coaching with! See how it could become annoying after awhile?)

DS spends the rest of the evening in his room studying or watching TV. We go to our room and have time together from 9:30 til lights out at 11:30.

Sat-Sun, you'd have to crowbar us apart. We spend the mornings with DS before he goes to his part-time weekend job. Then we spend the afternoon golfing together in good weather, shopping, cooking and puttering around the house if the weather is bad. We are alone together enjoying a common interest or activity for at least 15 hours on weekends alone. During soccer season our Saturdays get screwed up because of games. But it's every other Saturday, Sept. & Oct. So we've got to schedule around the game.

In addition to this we talk and email each other frequently during the day. (5 or 6 calls a day is not uncommon when we're not physically together.)

The other thing I noticed - we spent a lot of time together before the A (which was why I was additionally stunned to learn about it - I thought, where'd he find the time???)I've seen other betrayeds say the same thing.

Here's the difference, now - the quality of our time together is different. Before, we'd kind of 'parallel play' KWIM? Physically together but doing separate activities, which had us mentally apart.

Now we are aware of pursuing activities that will keep our focus directed toward each other - golf is the perfect example. When he's hitting the ball, I'm looking at nothing but him and advising/encouraging/applauding/commiserating. And vice versa.

That's something I'd advise newly recoverings: being physically together doesn't necessarily count as UA time. There is a difference. With all the time H and I spent together during the A, we weren't addressing our needs. We were just physically together.

Hi MB .... you weighed in for me & now all I can do is ((( hug )) you !

I am having some of the same issues. My H had the same prob with OW / he has now changed that habit from her to a male friend which is great ! But it does become intrusive when he is at home at night. But I am willing to deal with my feelings & put those aside for now until we get furthur along with healing on both sides.

But we will have to address this if it becomes a bigger issue.

Enough about me & my drama.

I agree with changing phone# if this guy is so obessive & will not abide by what you & your H has requested.

Our time is our time with our H's if we do not put our foot down who will ?

I find it makes a big difference with my comfort level ( which at the moment is a very huge issue right now ) if my UA time is constantly being interrupted.

So just want to send a hug & watch & see how a pro handles this! I know you will come up with something great !

Sorry ! Should of read the whole thread b4 responding.

Still wanted to give you a ((( hug ))) thou.

Good job on UA time! I'm going to show my H your thread & give us some ideas on scheduling our time together.

MsBliss, I see that this was favorably resolved.

But it raises a good point, that 24/7 access to mobile devices tempts some folks into the habit of neglecting their boundaries (in this case, the boundary around time & attention that should be devoted elsewhere to higher priorities).

No one gets a text unless they choose to receive it. Unless someone's a physician on-call, 24/7 access isn't necessary. I remember back in the 70s when I was a kid, people actually used to live without cellphones, Crackberries, pagers, etc. They used to die of eating bacon & eggs too much, and using dark-tanning oil, and bad polyester suits, and driving Ford Pintos, or rooting for Minnesota in the Super Bowl, but never died from not having 24/7 access to mobile devices.

It's been well-said: You can't control the other coach's behavior, but if the i-touch or cellphone or whatever is switched "off" and stowed in a drawer after a certain time of evening, problem solved.

You know, it was okay that our phones remained on, since I got rid of the land line a few years ago and he does need to be ready to get to his dad if there is a crisis. (I won't get into more detail because it's really unnecessary, but he does at times need to drop everything and get to his father.)

Then I remembered that everyone's got MY cell phone number, too. Doh. So his phone is off, my phone is on. Good to go.

MB:

Just set DH's cell phone to ring or "ding" differently when the coach texts him. Therefore, you know just by the sound that it isn't something more important.

LG