We talked a little bit tonight. He still refuses to send that letter to the OW to end all contact. I saw on his phone that he had a missed call from her. He said he didn't call her back, and also said they haven't talked in a couple of days. Right.

He was telling me his "spark" has never been there since we've been married. (I know this is a lie, and he's just trying to hurt me.)

He said he's read so much poetry over the years that he knows he isn't in love with me and doesn't feel that "want" to be with me.

I asked him if we could get help online (our insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling and it's too expensive) and he agreed.

My heart is breaking. I wasn't expecting another huge bomb like that.

His cousin from across the country tried calling him (he was one of the people I sent the letter to). My husband listened to the voicemail and said "Oh, so you wrote him too?" I said "Yes I did." and then changed the subject to football.

Can this just be over already? I want my husband back.

I just wrote this to the OW.

"Please delete Matt's phone number from your address book.

Please do not call or text him anymore. If he texts you, please ignore it.

I'm trying to get my marriage back, and he agreed he wanted to try as well. I don't know what he's told you, but I doubt he's said anything about that.

I know you and I are not friends anymore. I'm asking you as a married woman to the mistress. Please leave my family alone.

I love Matt, and I will do anything to make this marriage work. You guys continuing to talk is not helping.

I WILL leave your family alone if you do this for me.


Just think, (OW). You don't want to be a person to ruin a family."


I doubt she'll write back. She won't work with me on this because I told her ex boyfriend of her infidelity in their past. Hey, you hurt me- I hurt you.

What do you guys think?

Racho,

Forget trying to persuade the OW to stop contacting your H. It's a waste of time and your H and she just end up with more to talk about (them against the world). She has no reason to stop (not married) and is likely as foggy as he is about their "friendship" and "romantic email/phone calls".

Listen to what the vets are telling you. They know what they are talking about and their advice is entirely in-line with Marriagebuilder's principles.

Your H's reluctance to write/send a no contact letter is very telling. I wholly underestimated this when my husband refused (gave me all kinds of excuses that I almost bought into for about a month) to write one.

Be prepared to ask him to leave. Agreeing with what was posted above- he should be the one to leave the home, not you.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Have you found the book, "Surviving an Affair" yet? Read it as soon as possible.

AM

Ditto. This book is extremely helpful.
Your WH is addicted to the affair. Your ex-friend is also addicted. It's going to be very difficult to break them of this addiction. Be prepared to go to plan B soon.

You actually WANT to let him know that the AFFAIR (use this word) has been exposed everywhere! Next you want to let him know that A is extremely painful and disrespectful to you and that the contact needs to stop he wants the M to work.

Tell him if he wants to have contact with OW that he needs to do it outside of the house. THat you won't tolerate it being flaunted in your face anymore. You need to have some confidence while you are doing this, OK? He knows OW is not just a "friend".

Continue your Plan A (make your house pleasant & focus on being a good mom) while you get your PLan B ready. Do you know who your IM would be? Have you started thinking about writing your Plan B letter?

Hang in there.

I am continuing plan A for the time being. I am aware that it might move to plan B soon. I know some of you have gone through it, and it's hard. I couldn't ever imagine kicking him out. But if it's going to save my marriage (hopefully) I will do anything.

I've been doing nice things for him and staying calm.

He was mad today because of the letter I wrote to his family. I guess one of them sent it to him. He started bringing up MY past (I slacked in the homemaker department for a while) and said "Well maybe I should write them and tell them what a bad housewife you were." I replied with "If you feel the need to do that, then go ahead. You know I've changed, though."

This site has helped me so much with knowing exactly what he's going to say and how to deal with it.

I talked to my best friend last night (who is also friends with OW) and she was texting with her. OW admitted they had talked about wanting to be together. Then my friend kind of laid into her and was telling her it needed to stop and she was ruining a family. OW gave her word she would stop talking to my husband. She said she was doing it for HIM, and not me. She also said she was "sad about losing a friend." Yeah.

We'll see how it goes.

Good job on the Plan A work

Can your friend send you this exchange so that you can have it for evidence.

Next what do you think about a FB exposure to all of OW's friends and family? IF it doesn't stop (which I doubt it will) I have a feeling it will be effective.... These POS OW + OM usually can't deal with the spotlight on their shady behavior. Let me know and I will find the FB exposure letter.

She has it in her texts, but doesn't have an up-to-date phone with internet or screen.

My husband was upset with me most of the day today because of the exposure. We talked this evening and things went really well. I promised him I would stay this way (excellent homemaker and wife) if he promised to let go of our past and give us another shot. He actually seemed true to his words for once. He even started to cry a little. I told him he couldn't go running to other people when things go wrong. I also told him if things didn't change, I was going to kick him out. I really think I got through the fog and to my REAL husband.

I really think he's being honest this time. *Crosses fingers*

I'll keep you updated if anything changes.

Is he willing to send the NC letter? Is he willing to change his cell phone number? These are the things you would be looking for to show you he is serious...

Last night he showed me a text he sent to her saying he didn't want to speak anymore and he wanted to work on his family. According to him, she didn't respond. The suspicious part of me thinks he told her before hand to ignore the text or whatever. We'll see how it goes.

We got into another fight yesterday because right after he made love to me, I caught him deleting texts from her. It was such a horrible feeling. We talked for hours and last night he said he was willing to go to counseling and get help. I made him read the articles on this site about getting past the "withdrawal" and how to work things out after an affair.

Today was drama free. Thank goodness. I'll keep you guys updated if anything happens. Thank you again for all of your help and support. It got me through everything.

Your past housekeeping is not a threat to your marriage...his current affair is. Not a fair comparison.

I wouldn't put any stock by anything unless/until he starts showing actions to support a change. I would require he stay off FB, not have texting capability on his phone, give me all passwords, anything else you can think of that would help you regain trust. Hell, I'd even take his damn phone away! If he wants to keep his marriage, he needs to start showing it.

How are you? Any updates?

We wrote a letter together.

He called her and left a voicemail saying everything. He didn�t want to continue their relationship. He hurt his family, and most of all me. He didn�t want to ever have contact with her again. Asked her to respect his decision and not try to contact him ever again. He put her phone number on his blackmail list so she can�t call or text him.

I sat with him while he did it.

It�s OVER, guys. It�s over. He actually did it. For me.

I know he�s going to be going through emotions the next few days because when you end an affair, it�s losing a loved on. I�ll be here for him through that.

He WANTS to make this work. This is such a huge step. I�m so proud of him. Of us. This marriage counselor has already done such great work in the 2 sessions we�ve seen her.

The trust will regain. We will continue to make this marriage more beautiful than it has ever been.

Life is looking up.

Since the call, we've been trying to go through the recovery stage. I find it to be harder than expected. I'm still extremely insecure and suspicious.

Any advice on (finally) moving on from it all?

What is your idea of a recovery stage? R will take years and is even a lifetime thing in many ways.

You have a right to be suspicious. He has a duty to assuage your suspicions.

Today I called my husband from work on our home phone...no caller ID. He asked why I used that phone. I did it to not waste cell phone minutes as I was calling from a landline. He was concerned because I carried on my affair during the work day and spoke to him as well.

Although he didn't ask me to, I called him back on his cell phone so he could see the number from which I was calling. I didn't mind. He has a right to his questions. As do you.

Good luck.

Racho,

Because you are your NC letter was just sent very recently, you basically have to stay in Plan A mode, avoid lovebusters, try to meet needs and SNOOP while your H goes through WD.

Recovery is really difficult but it helps tremendously if you follow the plans here.

Are you two spending plenty of UA time together? Is your H answering your Qs about the affair? Is he being transparent, allowing you access to your phone and accounting for all of his time?

Mr W recommended to me early in R to get the audio version of HNHN and to take a road trip with my H to listen to it together and discuss while in the car. If you can do this, it would be great for you two.

Hang in there.

I'm glad he did that but it's just the beginning. You still can't trust him, that's something that has to be earned back and like was said already, takes the rest of your life to work on. The only way you can know he is doing what he is saying is to check up on him and for him to give you answers...honest ones. Whether or not he is willing to do that for the long haul remains to be seen. Good luck!

This is a good step Racho that your husband has taken but expect some fall backs, it's a tough thing, recovery, your trust in him is broken and what you believed to be true isn't.
make sure he is totally transparent with all his correspondence with anyone, his whereabouts at all time......
Make sure you communicate all your needs and try to fill all of his as well, put your marriage in a place where an affair can't happen.....
Keep your eyes and ears open for a long while.......he has to earn your trust again..........

Hi friends,

Well, it's been about a week since he made the phone call. Things are going as well as expected. As far as I've seen/read/heard- they have had no contact. She DID text him the next morning and said:

"You are truly an amazing person, ****. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Take care."

He didn't respond. I had him keep that text open for a while so I could check in and see he wasn't texting back. So far so good.

He's been loving. Stressed (job, kids) too. We've been spending time together. Even if it's just watching shows and cuddling up. We've been bonding a lot more now than we were months ago. I'm still staying on track with being a better wife/mom. I told him that he needed to cut down on his phone time because it wasn't making him look good. He agreed and isn't on his phone as much anymore. (He plays Scrabble a lot on there)

I look at his phone when I want and he doesn't get mad. I go into his email once in a while, but doubt I'll ever see anything in there.

SO... I actually think it's going to work out.

Our next appointment together is next Tuesday. She's going to do a split session to see how we are doing individually. I really do love our therapist.

By the way- I DID eventually see a few emails he sent to her when the EA first began. They just about killed me. To see my husband say words like that to another woman. Wow.

Anyway... just an update. If any of you have anymore advice, I'd still love to hear it.