I just found out last friday that my husband of 21 years has been having an affair for two months. He has lied and been dishonest repeatedly. If you had asked me two weeks ago, if I thought he was capable of something like this, i would have gone to be death bed defending him. He says he still loves me and always has, he just loved two people. He wants to stay and work things out. I read the plan A and B, and told him what i needed, in a very loving way. Told him we could restore what we used to have, and make it even better, but she had to be out of his life. No contact at all, all the reminders gone. Then I would throw myself into making our marriage work, and begin to trust him again. I have been supportive, and loving, and tried to be what he neeeded during this time. while the pain is overwhelming. She has his work number, and has called him from a pay phone three times this week. told him, i was here...waiting to work on things...when he was ready and had done all the stuff, like closing the joint checking acct they opened together, canceling the phone he bought her, getting counciling, and breaking it off completely with her. I know by the plan A and B, that as long as he is having contact, he and I cannot reconcile. My question is how long do i stay in play A, before moving to plan B?

About 3 weeks. Is the OW married and if so, does her husband know? What do you know about her?

Will your H end all contact with her? Where did they meet?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, peasweet.

Plan A has two main parts.

Trying to be a better wife - which it seems you have done.

End the affair - which you have half done, by insisting on NC. A surefire way to end this affair is to expose it far and wide. Hard to have a dirty little secret if it isn't a secret.

You gotta do as perfect a Plan A as you can muster before Plan B, or both plans won't have their full effectiveness.

Melody's questions are pertinent to your recovery.

Welcome to Marriage builders. Sorry you're here under these circumstances, but glad you found us.

yes. OW is married, husband knows..they are trying to work on stuff, went to counseling this week. Other husband wont speak to me any more. We were all very best friends. he says talking to me will be toxic to relationship. If My hubby and his wife cant talk, then we cant either. I texted him and asked if he wanted to know when contact was made between spouces, he just tested back "no". So I have no back up there for getting her to stop contacting my hubby. They live about three hours from us. Their marriage has been week for quite a while, while mine and hubbies has always been thriving. We have worked hard at it, date nights, great sex, spending time together, workingout together...im just dumbfounded. He says i was the prefect wife and met all his needs, and he does not know why he looked elsewhere. I think it was because he was trying to help their marriage, felt bad for her, she thought he was the night in shining armor. He liked the feeling of being admired and needed in a new way. I cant really expose him, we have five kids and we dont really want them to know, if at all possible. I cant change his numbers, we own our own business, it would be huge to change numbers, and they could be found again by looking on the web. He cannot contact her, they changed their cell and home numbers, so she goes to a payphone. he told me they talked of being married, and fantasized about what that would be like, i have the hardest time getting past that. After he talked to her on Monfday after ebing asked to break all contact. I very lovingly gave him my wedding ring, and said, when you are ready to make us work, and have done all the things I asked, then give it back and we will begin anew. he was sad but understood. It will be the symbol that he is fully committed to me and our relationship. I hope that was not wrong, but his heart is divided, and he seemed to take it seriously. The fact he is making baby steps, gives me some hope, but then, at any moment he could give into his addiction, and be out the door. He says he feels like a monster for hurting me so much and being so blinded by this addiction. But, he still struggels with feeling for her. I can do three weeks, one down today! I am really strugelig with not making hurtful coments. This is by far the most hurtful thing I have ever endured....im at a loss. But feel like God somehow gives me strength.

Okay, a part of MB IS EXPOSURE. Without doing that, you have not much hope of properly recovering and you will be in a false recovery which is worse than what you are dealing with right now. None of us here want to see that happen to you. It could happen anyway with exposure but without it, it is almost a guarantee.

You will need to tell your children. You will need to tell anyone who is influential in your WH and OW's lives. People who will tell WH and OW that what they did was WRONG.

The reason that your WH had an affair was simply because he has weak boundaries around women. His need for admiration was met by OW, but had he had better boundaries, he never would have let that happen.

Have you read all of the info on this site? Here is a thread to help guide you. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Welcome to MB and I am sorry you are here.

PS, the best thing you can do for your marriage is expose this affair wide and far, starting with your children and ending with family and close friends. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposing it helps your H see himself through the eyes of others.

Forcing your H to explain his adultery to your children will likely be the wake up call he needs. He will have to explain to them that he almost gave up their safe family for ..............what? For some skank.

Your H needs this experience, PS. It will ruin the fantasy of his affair when he has to explain to others what he has done.

To give children false explanations for the tension in your home only teaches them dishonesty at the expense of your marriage. Children can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies.

here

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

PS, I would text him each and every time she contacts your H. Even if he says no, I would continue to do it. Additionally, I would contact her yourself every time and tell her to stop.

Does she have a facebook page? If so, I would expose the affair to her family and friends by sending them a private message asking them to use their influence to persuade her to leave your H alone. This has been one of the most effective exposures in my experience. This would scare her off most likely.

Facebook exposure sample letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Peasweet, welcome. We'll try to help you, but you're going to have to take the reins in this thing and stop letting your H and OWH dictate your actions, okay?

First of all, you want the A to stop but you have given your H no clear mandate to do so. You've lovingly given back your ring? Get that thing back right now and tell him that if anyone wants it, they'll have to pry it off your cold, dead & clenched hand! That is a symbol of your M, in good times and bad. This will be the worst time. The ring stays on through all of it. You do not want you WH getting used to seeing your bare hand.

Next. You've given your WH a soft landing. He has seen no consequences to this terrible thing he has done to you. Everything has been kept hush-hush. Well, surprise, pea. Your kids know something is wrong. And one or more of them may well know exactly what it is. At best, your kids are seeing mommy & daddy behaving differently toward each other, and they may blame themselves. Is this what you want?

If you and your WH don't talk about this with them, you lose control. Other people know about this A. One of them, with good or bad intentions, may expose this to your children. It could be today, next week or next year, but it could happen. I don't care if they're three hours away - they're an email or call away. And that's very, very close.

As far as OWH goes - he may not wish to talk about it every time OW contacts your H, but by God you'd better tell him! Negative consequences will stop those calls - she'll keep calling until it becomes unpleasant for her to do so.

Personal story: I had taken off my rings before I found out about the A because I had gained weight and they were tight on my hand. After I found out, I got them out and jammed them back on and told my H that they would never come off my hand again. It was a physical act of my commitment for both of us, not just H.

They slide around a lot now, because I lost a lot of weight during the Infidelity Diet. But they never come off my hand.

Get your rings back.