Situation is that me and my girlfriend been separated since we moved out of our place, because I lost my job and we could not afford to live where we were at. Living together was extremely stressful to both of us. Blended family and all. The children age mix are: step-daughter: 19, son: 18, step-daughter: 17, daughter: 16, son: 10, our-son : 5. The two oldest live on their own.

The week before we moved out I told her that in some ways it would be a relief not having to be �DEALING� with her 17 yr old. Foot in mouth I think is what they call this. This really upset her. The next day she thought that it would be a good idea if we broke up but that we would still see each other.

There is an OM in my GFs life. This OM is her landlord and her neighbor. He recently separated from his wife. She says that they are �just friends�. After talking with her I come to find out that she has been staying up late till the OM would be coming home from work around three in the morning to talk and spend time together, even during the work week. Also there were times when her daughter and my brother were with them sometimes [START_EDIT] She tells me that there was maybe fifteen minutes ever of her being alone with OM. I remember her saying that she had been alone with him. [END_EDIT]

Some of the things that she said to me were that they were 'just friends'. That it's like they've known each other forever. That they could talk about things that they've never told any one else. And how it's funny that since she has lived in California that she was always following him around wherever he lived.

After this statement I was angry! I said what the [censored] is going on. I pretty much told her that her statements were [censored]. That what she was feeling was infatuation. She said it can't be because she doesn't think of him that way. They are 'just friends'.

Whenever I talk to her all she wants to do is talk about the OM. OM this. OM that. How wonderful he is with stepdaughter. How funny and witty he is. I finally tell her that I really don�t give a f**k about OM and that she need to stop talking about him. I reiterate to her that she is infatuated. Once again I hear that she doesn�t think of him that way, they are �just friends�.

OM leaves out of town for work. The next day she has some plumbing problems. I tell her to call her OM/landlord and let him know to get a plumber. She tells me that she can�t because she might wake him up since he works nights. (Wtf I don�t care about him and if his sleep is interrupted. My sleep is interrupted for this [censored]). I convince her that she needs to let him know. After him not being able to get a plumber or being able to do s*t, this is with phone conversations and texts. I get a power snake and take care of the plug.

Her place is managed by OM wife�s parents and right before he left, they quit managing his places. I find out that the OM�s wife believes something is going on between OM and WS. She and I start talking about the reasons for OM wife thinking that something is going on. She says she doesn�t understand how people could think that anything could be going on between them, because they are �just friends�. That she doesn�t think of him that way. She began to relate a story about one Sunday that his friends were over for a BBQ and he invited her to hang-out. My brother went down to Oceanside to stay the weekend with some old friends of his. She went into her place to get some beers and one of the OM�s �drunk� friends followed her into the kitchen and propositioned her for sex. She said, �F**ck off and get the hell out of her house.� He said to her, �Why not? Since your f**cking OM.� She then left and went and told OM. He took the drunk friend home. It seems that drunk friend and OM share a ride to work together. Well I ask her why would the drunk friend think that her and OM were having sex. She replied she didn�t know, since nothing has ever happened to between them. I pointed out to her that since three different people (me, OM wife, drunk friend) unconnected with each other, think this, that maybe something is going on. She asked me if she has ever lied to me. I answered, �to the best of my knowledge, no�. She then stated that nothing has ever happened between them, that she doesn�t think of him that way.

We started talking about OM, she telling me how I would like him. I then told her that since she had me leave that it was pretty hard to meet him and see if I would like him. See then told me he would be home on Labor day and that I could come for the weekend to meet him. She also mentioned that she missed the OM.

Her and I go out. She is very standoffish. Almost at the end of the evening, instead of talking to her about why she is standoffish, I have an AO and walk off the dance floor. A couple of minutes later I apologize to her. She says she expected it. We end up talking at her place around a fire-pit. Pretty romantic if it wasn�t for the LB. She starts talking to me about my cycling of about two weeks. I instantly get it. She is right. She tells me the reason that she doesn�t want us to be a couple is because of the rollercoaster.

The next Tuesday before Labor Day, she starts talking about the OM. The conversation turns into an ultimatum from me. I tell her that if were not a couple then we can�t be working on our R. So either we�re a couple or we need to move on. She tells me to stop pushing. So I do.

During that evening this idea pops into my head. Why is she talking about the OM? Oh because he�s back early for Labor Day. This tuned out to be true. We end up talking again several days later about getting together for Labor Day. It comes out that OM did come back early, but she didn�t know until after our conversation. She said it was a coincidence. I told her that there seemed to be a lot of coincidences.

Coincidence, those two weeks after OM moves in that she�s telling me to leave. Coincidence, that she now has this �great friendship� for only knowing the OM for such a short time. Coincidence that we get in a big fight the day the OM returns early. She said that she was sorry that there were all these coincidences, but that was all that they were, coincidences. It also comes out that OM and his wife are going to reconcile. What do you think about the coincidences?

Labor Day weekend was pretty good. Three things happened that spring to mind. OMs wife made it a point with all of us sitting around talking that it was great the WS was such a good friend to OM while they were separated. The second thing is that on Sunday I spent the day doing things around her place leveling out the fire-pit so it would not be on a slant. After I was finishing up her and I were talking about how good it was starting to look. I was thinking about how good beer would be. The OM and OM�s wife pulled up from going out to dinner. We started talking about the fire-pit. Since I was thinking about a beer and was getting ready to get one out of the cooler, I asked OM if he wanted a beer. He said yes. The WS then jumps up and goes to the cooler and gets a single beer out. He had turned around and was talking to his wife. WS stood next to him for a few seconds then rubbed his arm and held out the beer to him. I held on. NO LB. Wahoo. The third thing is I checked her activity log of her cell. Just the calls and texts from when she had plumbing problems. Nothing but business talk about plumbers and what to do about problem.

He went away to work. During the week she complained to me that she didn�t really get any time with the OM. She also said that she thought the only reason for the OM and his wife to get back together is that he could spend more time with his kid. I said what was wrong with that. That it�s important for a father to be with his children. She then said that it�s also important for a person to be happy. I said I didn�t understand. She said that he doesn�t have any feelings for her and that he is only getting back together with her so that he wouldn�t have to put up with the hassle of going to court to get custody. I then asked her why she didn�t tell him that. She said it was because he had to leave early and she couldn�t get any �private time� with him. NO LB. Yahoo.

Since Labor Day she tells me that one of the reasons, beside the rollercoaster, is that she doesn�t feel good about herself. She wants to be the person that she was during the first year we were together. She says if she�s not happy how I could ever be happy being with her. She�s afraid that if we do become a couple again that it will all go back to the way it was before. That I will take her for granted (not paying attention to her EN).

She told me that she needed to let OM know that she wouldn�t be able to pay rent until the 5th instead of the 1st. after this I went through her cell phone.

These were the texts to the OM.

Her: Explaining that she would be late with the rent.
Her: Btw miss u.
Him: Miss you too. That will be okay about the rent.
Her: How is everything?
Him: Great! Right now playing beer pong. Looking to win that for 500 dollars.
Her: Good luck. Have a great time.
Him: Miss u guys

Need some help.

Be rough. Don�t let me weasel.

Some of the triggers for the taker are:

1. She starts to withdraw. Don't know if this is because see is anticipating my taker to appear. Or if she thinks that what I'm doing is too good to be true.

2. I will snoop in her texts/e-mail and see that she has sent OM a message saying that she misses him.


I want her in my life. I lover her, but I�m not doing any good. So it�s time to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.

Thanks

BTW,

The last LB episode I ended up telling her that I snooped at her phone. She was pissed. I agreed not to snoop anymore and she agreed that I could look at her phone anytime I wanted. Just to ask and she would hand it over. We had this policy when we first started out.

Today she says that she understands my snooping and my feelings of why I would need to snoop. She is okay with my feelings.

Also OM returns in three weeks.

I have to get my [censored] together.

Too long, didn't read it all.

Please summarize in a couple of paragraphs. You should click 'notify' and ask the moderators to move your thread to the surviving an affair (SAA) forum, which is better suited to your problems.

Welcome to MB and sorry you're here under such circumstances.

Clark,

Your post is WAY too long. We don't need a play by play story. The gist is:

> You are not and have never been married to this woman.
> You have one child together.
> You once lived together but both moved apart due to your job loss.
> She then broke up with you.
> Your ex-girlfriend is now the other woman in her next door neighbors marriage.
> Your ex-girlfriend doesn't want to get back with you because you were neglectful.
> You don't know what to do now.

Did I get that right?

Look, you did things in the wrong order. It's not recommended you have kids before marriage. Then you proceed to ignore your girlfriend (for how many years?) and never get married.

She's not cheating on you if you're not together. However it sounds like the OM is cheating on his wife. How about you tell this guy's wife what's going on and see if that ends things? Maybe then you'll have an opportunity to not only do the right thing and kill an affair but refocus your ex-girlfriends attention on you where you can then do what you should have done in the first place: meet her EN's.

Tell me what you think.

aBetterMe

P.S. Watch your language. Swear words with *'s in them is still not acceptable. The moderators will get upset if you continue.

@bitbucket - thanks. Tried shortening and requested that it be moved to SAA. BTW I really haven't heard of the bitbucket since my navy training days. LOL!

@aBetterMe -

You're correct!


Hindsight is 20/20. That is why I'm here. This needs to change on my part. I would say for half of the last six years.

This is absolutely correct. Still hurts.


Already sent a friend request to her on FB.


And that's where I'm at. LB and all.

Hi clark, welcome to Marriage Builders! I wrote a post to a man in a similar situation over on the SAA board and I am going to repost it here:

continued here

@MelodyLane -
So you are saying exposure should not happen in this case?

And I need to approach this as If we were starting over?

yes!

@MelodyLane - I can agree to no exposure. Because we have no commitment. If I use coercion to win her back by exposing is just control. To force her to be with me. She needs to decide to be with me.

So then I need a plan to win her back.

I need some time to work on myself. Get to a point where I'm not so emotionally connected to what she is doing with this other person.

Need to stop the Love Busting.

Yes?

CK, I think that is a good start, but more importantly, a seismic shift of attitude towards your relationship is required. Most people don't understand the dynamics in a living together situation. Understanding that dynamic is the first step in turning it around. PLEASE get that book I recommended above. It will guide in turning this around if you can attract her back.

Yes I see that about the dynamic shift in my attitude towards any relationship with her. The book is on hold til early next week.

This weekend I will spend it with some of my kids. She has the youngest this weekend.

I asked her to look at this post. She is extremely angry at me. She is worried that I'm going to expose. She is afraid that will hurt the other people involved. And that her personal history is on the internet. That some of things I said are somewhat true and some isn't.

That's okay. I can live with the anger. I can live with her trying to rewrite my memories.

I need somebody to talk to that isn't wrapped up in my drama and her drama.

if I'm making a mistake by this so be it. I'm not exposing. It is not my place. I do not want to force her to be with me.

Btw, I just got off the phone with the youngest. Did you know he has a Star Wars Tattoo? LOL!

CK, this is one thing I would do FOR SURE, and that is to notify her boyfriend's WIFE so she can protect herself from your GF and her husband. That would be the decent thing to do. I would do this without forewarning. It is your place to tell his wife, since you KNOW what it going on. His wife will be very appreciative that you did.

Your GF is not at all worried about the OM's wife, she is worried that you will interfere with her destructive and cruel behavior against this marriage.

Wow this is weird writing this like this.
I contacted her boyfriend's WIFE. Just missed her by minutes on FB.

With all the acronyms floating around. I never thought of him as her boyfriend, but that is what he is.

So before I could get in touch with her boyfriend's WIFE. My GF? -/ the OW (this is really out there. A rose is a rose by any other name...) texted me to say this:

HER


ME


HER

Just keep trying! Do you have her phone #? If so, I would just give her a call tomorrow.

Keep up the good work!

LOL! Just got off the phone with her boyfriend's wife. She said she wasn't surprised. But from what OM said to WIFE about his 'just friends' that in no way does he find her appealing. Ever. Ever. But WIFE told me that I probably should go get checked for STDs just to be safe. Also she told me that there is no way this guy could even begin to meet any of OWs ENs. It's just not in him. He's at his new job living the good life and can't even send support money to his kid.

Good that GF doesn't want me to talk to her. So that means I can start taking care of myself without all the drama.

Should I tell GF/OW that she should be checked for STDs?

You should break up with this liar/cheater and get your kids and separate. Pay child support on the one you created with her and share custody.

Then get a good job, get a decent place to live away from a lot of other people, and develop a productive, fun, creative and great life for yourself and your kids. You will have to have your own place in order to be able to see your baby....at least that is what I have heard...I could be wrong.

Why did you pick this cheater/liar to hang around with? You would have to be carrazy to continue on a relationship with this one. What are you thinking loving a toxic person who will damage you again and again and hurt your family, etc.?

Good job, ck! Yes, I would tell your GF that you talked to the OM's wife and what she said. You did good!

@Bubbles4U -
We are broken up. It took this forum to make me realize that. My problem was believing that somehow we were still a couple even though we were broken up, but still seeing each other, and trying to "fix our relationship".

I'm quite aware how custody and child support works in my state. This is because of my previous divorce. In one of my parenting classes they teach you that "all it takes is one parent". I firmly believe that.

When this thing first started coming down. I insisted that custody for S5 was equally shared. The exchanges are setup for after school-day cares on Mondays. Didn't want Fridays, because when doing that and you want to do something on the weekends, then your waiting for the exchange time.

Have a job. Doing freelance work. Web applications.

Working on getting my own place.


I can honestly say that up to the point that we moved out of our place, that there was nothing going on. Since I was not working during the day, at home, I was doing two things. looking for a job and learning new programming languages.

There were never any weird calls to the house. There were NEVER any evenings unaccounted for. Most of her work times were accounted for. She had mentioned a co-worker to me one time. This was a guy that she had told me that when we were first dating he had the hots for her. I went hyper-vigilant. Checked her phone/email consistently. Nothing. Did find out that he was dating some other girl in the office. Doubt if she would have let somebody walk into her territory.

IMHO, there are no toxic people. Just people who cross other peoples boundaries.

My problem from the get go was believing that there was some type of commitment to a relationship between us. And if I asked her to stop being with her new friend, that she would because of that commitment. The other person then would honor that. She didn't.

Instead we were just dating. For me there was an IMPLIED exclusivity. My Boundary. She did not honor it. And I did not follow through on what you do when someone will not honor your boundaries; removing yourself from that person. I continued to let her cross my boundary.

Instead I tried to convince, cajole, control, and enforce my viewpoint on her. That is not how you maintain boundaries!

When we were dating, I made myself well aware of her past. I accepted it. I did not kid myself. I knew that it was going to be tough. Her past is what made her HER. I love her for what she is and what she was.

She had already giving me clues to what was going on with her during my half-baked Plan A. Good.

I cannot speak of her thoughts and motivations. I can only speak of MY observations of her words and actions. Because of this I needed to act. I have done so.

I will tell you something about me. This will be the second time I've been in a situation where I neglected a relationship. The first time was through total ignorance. I set out to correct it. Learn from your mistakes right? What does that tell you I need to do for myself and any future relationships?

@MelodyLane -

Instead of GF can we use SGA (someday girlfriend again). Thank you.

This morning SGA called me up complaining about money. I guess she forgot about what she textd me last night about not talking to me, except for S5. I plan on meeting all my financial obligations to the best of my abilities.

I told her about getting checked for STDs and she went ballistic.

"How could you think that I was having sex with him". Things like that. In my head I'm thinking because I've been saying to you that I thought something was going on between you two. Uh Hello?

So it really becomes crystal clear to me that I'm not running on a specific plan right now. Scary!

Need something right away. Will try to get book you suggested, "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" ASAP. Any inputs for plan?

(Wait a minute, I don't need to rush. This isn't going to turn around any minute. Time is exactly what I need. Use it.)

I really see that Financial Support for her is a big EN.

I'm going to text her that I'm going to follow through on my financial obligations.

I find the ENQ to be a little to late to utilize. So I need some way to try and find out her ENs when we talk.