Hi everyone,

I am new as of today. I should probably tell you my story. My XH and I divorced 18 years ago because he had an affair, and I could not get over it. I kept bringing it up, even though he stopped the affair. Since then I have developed trust issues and never remarried. I had a few short relationships, but they didn't last for more than three months or so. Fear of abandonment and fear of unfaithfulness made me too needy, I think.

We have an adult son together, and we remained amicable in order to do our best by him. We still talk with each other about our son and we share small details of what we are each doing.

My XH remarried about three years after we divorced (not to the OW) and remained married for 15 or 16 years. Now they are recently divorced. He said "it was along time coming", which I did not know. I'm having a strange feeling of shock about it, and some saddness for him, even though I never really liked her because of the way she treated my son.

On another front, an old friend, who has been married for 28 years is going through a divorce. They are in the midst of dividing assets right now. I knew nothing of his life. Out of nowhere he contacted me. We arranged to meet, but when he told me he was seeing and having sex with two or three women, ranging from a 20 something year old to a 38 year old. He is 52 years old, as am I.

It was a turn-off for me to hear that from him, and I felt my desire to meet with him sour. I'm not quite sure why exactly, but the age difference, at the very least, disturbed me. He didn't much like it that I backed out of the meeting and, though I have tried to maintain contact as old friends, he is now ignoring me. I don't know whether to take it personally or just chalk it up to him caught up in these other affairs, I guess I would call them affairs since their divorce isn't finalized.

I guess I have a few questions: 1) Why do I care about my XH divorcing? 2) Why did this old friend, who looked me up, cut contact with me after I backed out of meeting him? I still think I am right not to put myself in the middle of his situation, but I don't understand why he has cut me off even as an old friend who he reconnected with.

Any thoughts anyone?

Gerberdaisies

Gerber,

1) Why do I care about my XH divorcing?

Only you really know the answer to that question. I suspect it is because a part of you still cares for him.

2) Why did this old friend, who looked me up, cut contact with me after I backed out of meeting him? I still think I am right not to put myself in the middle of his situation, but I don't understand why he has cut me off even as an old friend who he reconnected with.

I believe he was feeling low and reached out to you for an ego stroke. Now that you have expressed disapproval of his actions and hedged on your IRL meeting he knows where you stand. I do not think he was looking for a friend, but most likely looking for a booty call. jmho He is not worth your time, so please waste no more of it trying to determine his actions.

Yes, I do still care about my XH. Because we have a son together, we have remained in contact and have become good friends. Perhaps that is all it is. In a way, he is like family to me.

You may be right that divorcing old friend was not looking for a friend but a booty call. I guess by cancelling the meeting, he saw that as my disapproval of what he is up to these days.

I guess it was hard for me to realize he had grown into a self-centered man, when he was such a nice, young man all those years ago. I do consider it cheating while you are going through the divorce. It seems weak to me that he can't even wait until the divorce is finalized. The whole thing, the 25-30 year age difference, and his inability to wait until the divorce is finalized is a real turn-off for me.

Gerberdaisies

Yeah, he is using these women to feed his ego. Once you prooved you have no interest in doing that, he is now ignoring you. Typical.

Gerber,
I backtracked you here from another post. I think I have some insight to this thread, being recently divorced myself, and a man.
I can say that as much as I knew about MB and the principles, I still had to have a few on the board "hold me back" from dating before the D was final (I pretty much figured it was over upon the court date). [WRONG]. It also took some further reading for me to put in perspective that for me to date even one day prior to the D being final would have been CHEATING. By the very nature and definition of marriage, you're married until the court says your not; arbitrarily defining myself as unmarried (i.e. available) would be to do exactly what my now exWW did to me: defined herself as unmarried enough to develop several emotional affairs while still married in the state's eyes.

Now this is me, a person who has dedicated a lot of time to understanding the principles of marriage, having been cheated on, and having gone through 90% of a pretty ugly scenario and one I never thought I'd have to go through - and I still had to have trusted folks here slap me around a little (not to mention I was NOT ready (and still ain't) to date).
Your "friend" has none of the benefit of this material, this site, these resources (presumably).

Here's the rub. Divorce takes soooooooooooo long. And men get lonely. It's very emasculating to go months and months and months without female companionship/sex. Do you get what I'm saying here?

Your "friend" is on the make...big time. Once he figured out you weren't interested in the same thing, he can't waste his time with you. Don't take it personal, he's not looking for a friend or to rekindle an old acquaintance. He's like a kid in a candy store now. Unfortunately, he also has the maturity of a child. I'm just glad I had good folks here "inspiring" me to not linger in that store. I'm now heading up the street, at my own pace, to a much better store (no, not the adult bookstore, lol), whatever that may be; I'm not that much for candy anyway.

opt

Opt, your story is a great one of personal recovery. I'm glad you've stuck around, you have a valuable voice here.

The future holds great things for you, I just know it does.

Opt: What Vibrissa said.

[/tj]

Entitled?! No, Silly.
I profess to know nothing of your species and their propensities to loneliness.

Seriously, yes, just making an observation based on the actual content of your situation with the male subject.

Good points.
You can do much better than she can.

Opt

Vib & Fred,
Thanks a ton! The encouragement really means a lot coming form you guys whom I've come to respect so much. I have a long way to go, but high fives from people of your integrity shows me I'm on the right track.
Opt

I think you did right to change your mind about meeting up with the "friend" that is having sex which young women. That would bother me too. It feels like he is only using them and I don't like the values.
I think you still care for your ex too and maybe you wanted things to work out for him because you care? I care about my kids' dad too, and even though I don't like his wife because she's been a witch to me, I still wish them happiness together and if something happened, I would feel bad for him.

Hi all,

I just did the best thing I could do for myself regarding STBXH. This weekend has been difficult in terms of realizing how he and WMW probably spent the weekend.

I just unfriended him from FB. I just can't take seeing his posts anymore. It actually makes me ill. I feel the loss of a young man who once was a great guy. I don't like the man he has become.

GB

'Attagirl! You don't need the triggers.

GB, do you know about 'detachment'? It's an important component to recovery for people in our circumstances. I encourage you to look into it if you haven't. www.livestrong.com is where I read some good info on the concept.

Opt

Thank you for your support. I definitely will look into the link you posted. I think I need to detach from my illusion of who I thought he is.

GB

Do you mean you married someone and thought he was going to change? That's kinda what I did, I've started to realize I was more in love with a person that I thought my wife-at-the-time would become, rather than who she really was at the time. I figured with enough love and support, I could mold her - very unfair of me. And now we're essentially both paying the price, as well as 2 innocent kids.

Or do you mean that he was always someone you didn't know? This might be the case, but more likely, he simply became an alien with the affair. Affairs change people into people they don't even recognize themselves - you know that right? I guess I'm cautioning you not to throw away the good years of your marriage (pre-A); there may not be a need for that.

Opt