We've been in MB program since Jan 2010. Married 30 yrs and 2 adult children. Husband became obsessed w/karate and grew an infatuation w/female do jo member (dojo is karate studio) We're currently working on the IB lesson and really struggling.

Once we started MB program WH took a break from dojo. Its been very difficult however for him to be fully on board w/program. Finds someway to get around the program while appearing to be on board. Found out numerous times he's having some kind of contact with this female karate partner, mostly email. Their communications is about karate, karate routines, encouragement surrounding karate promotions, and friendly competitive bantoring.

He'd agreed to EP which we put in writing. We'll be doing well and then he has some kind of experience regarding karate that causes me to feel like I'm not important and our marriage is not important. Often we'll be doing well and enjoying ourselves building LB (at least for me) and he'll do something very thoughtless often related to karate and my LB drains out.

I've noticed on my part I'm having difficulty jumping ahead too soon based on spurts of LB deposits. He'll put effort to go along with the program. For sometime we were around 10 hours of UA time and I was having difficulty getting him involved with scheduling. He talked about how he didn't think the program could work or romantic love could be rekindled. This more recently improved but I'm still experiencing LB, mainly related to karate obsession.

He deleted this womans email address and phone number from his cellphone. He supposedly stopped dropping by the old dojo where they worked out and she continues to be a member. I've done everything I know how to check. I've not installed a keylogger or do I use a tracking method. He drives a motorcycle and his computers are used for patients whom I need to protect too. I don't see him going out of his way to remain in contact. The pattern is when she is up for promotion at this dojo they'll have communication where he'll encourage her efforts.

Although these interactions are benign I can see they set him back.

Also we've joined another dojo together. This was not at Dr Harley's suggestion. But at a few points since we began Steve and Sandy seemed OK w/the idea. I've been reluctant about joining him in this sport for several reasons. I've been trying it for about 2 months now. It would seem like the best solution. But gets so aggressive towards his involvement that karate again is developing at the expense of our rebuilding our relationship. I've tried to negotiate a solution that would work for us both. But giving him an inch (one class per week) has lead him to push harder and harder to do more. Its freaking me out as its breezing over the cause of our relationship breakdowns.

The hobbies or interests he gets involved with consistantly become larger then our marriage and an obsession. So I don't want to become overly involved w/karate at the expense of our marriage.

Over this weekend I was speaking with the Sensei of this new dojo. There had been controvery when my husband switched dojo's. The old dojo was offended.
My husband had only explained he'd utilized the old dojo inappropriately and got too involved and it hurt his family. He didn't explain he'd had what is suppose to be a one sided affair or his infatuation was a red flag. I'd just explained my husband had left me in the lurch while he spent a huge portion of his leisure time at the dojo. Anyway, this Sensei (leader) said she was aware my husband had been in an inappropriate relationship at this other dojo.

Of course this was upsetting. I asked myself "could he be more involved then what he's been saying?" But part of me is glad as it seems he's not fooling anyone. Anyway, I asked him about this the other night. HE still claims he disclosed to me fully.

So we had a heated discussion. I pushed hard and I believe I went too far. I'm so worried my emotions are gettign the best of me. He admitted he loves me but he's not certain he wants to remain married to me. Or he's a so-called renter.

This is not surprising given his history. He's not certain he's intrested in being a buyer. I'm really sad about this. He said it all gets down to whether he can make me happy and compatibility.

I bought this at first. I thought about how I keep blowing it. I thought about how I should simply go along witht he karate program. I was thinking about how I could perform to his liking, do a better job at work and at home etc.

But later I saw it differently. I told him I didn't think our survival depended on him mking me happy nor our compatibility although these are super important and part of the MB plan to resolve. I told him there is no virtue in how he is caring for me. I don't see my lack of happiness and our compatibility problems are the source behind how e've gotten here. He sytematically builds himself up to himself and others and diminishes me. I'd pulled out the EP plan and he reviewed it. He'd breached our EP and was consistantly betraying our marriage.

I've asked him if we can share an email account and close our our existing accounts. It seems the temptation to get intoa back and forth conversation thru email w/this woman is too easy. And we need to integrate this area of our lives. He agreed and we got the job done.

Still while we continued our weekend and began planning our UA time my husband keeps discussing working out at dojo. I told him I was reluctant towards karate. It does not matter how offensive the sport has become for me he does not acknowledge or dismisses my feelings. I am having difficulty separating my emotional reaction to how it could be from an intellectual status. No matter how hard I try to help him understand my perspective he's oblivios. So this consistant problem with thoughtlessness while he's involved with a interest his so focused on is a big problem for me. He see's it s my problem and he's going to do what he needs to do.

Last night I explained that if I'm reluctant about doing something and he persists anyway, this is a selfish demand. This seemed to strike a cord.

I vasilate as to whether I should make a slow attempt to incorporate karate as a RA together or simply stop all together.

I beleive I'm at a point where I need to place a timeline. I don't feel he is showing respect for my feelings while he essencially has his cake and eats it too. He's stuck on the IB mode. He's being a good boy and going out of his way it seems in so many ways but its like he's using the MB program as a bargaining chip to cont. IB. Obviously we're poor at negotiations surrounding habitual IB. Its difficult for me to see thru things until its already happening.
I'm up to my eyeballs in my husband constantly asking about doing various activities at this new dojo. It does not come across as a respectful request but as a selfish demand.

I've got to figure out if I should just stop attending karate as its so hard to keep dealing with this. Is this a situation where I just need to let it go or stop going to karate and now allow God to bring him home? As Steve H says, its been the tail wagging the dog. And its so wearing having a husband as a renter.

Any thoughts? Should I send this woman a note and send old dojo a note to stop their email newsletter? how might I send off a note to someone whom supposedly was not aware of infatuation? I keep hoping we have enough EP set up to eliminate temptations, but find this is not the case. Like I said I can't continue to deal with selfish demands and this contact issue.

Call the Harley counseling center.
That's your BEST chance.

Grace,

Didn't you say above that Dr. Harley suggests that you and H find some other kind of RC? Why wouldn't you follow that advice? It is clear that you do not enjoy the karate. Have you and H done the RC subcourse? If so, have you identified activities that you both enjoy? Why aren't you doing those activities?

AM

We are doing lots of activities aside from karate. I did not know how I would feel about karate separate from the old dojo and went along to give it a try. I'd hoped to negotiate a sitaution that would work for us both but that would have been based on us both being concerned for one anothers feelings.

For example we went on a long hike last week. Some of the time we had conversation but some of the time I felt a disconnect. He is somewhat intraverted but its he same old thing where he is caught up in what he is doing and does not attempt intimate conversation, affection and so on.

I'm trying hard to avoid envirnments that are problems and stick to environemnts and activities that are more enjoyable. The trouble is, my husband takes somethign that can easily be enjoyable for us both and it gets turned into a dilemma for me. He will have enjoyed himself as he does whatever he likes and makes the experience enjoyable in an IB way. It can be very alianating.

This gets me upset whcih is also not helping.

Thanks for listening.

Armymama,
We did the RC course already.

Efforts to meet husbands emotional needs is not working. It can be hard to descibe what I'm feeling and what's going on. Is like my husband is glaced over and does not register or want to register how I feel. I was empathetic to my husbands need to go to karate and wanted to learn to enjoy this activity together.

I wonder if I should set a time line to keep this up. It really seems my husband does not want to continue in the marriage, like he's buying time and going thru the motions. Perhaps I'm torturing myself and should just see what happens. He just wants to go to work and karate. No marriage but to have support around the house and at the office. I've become irrelevent.