I am very concerned about that list too. I have no intention of accepting it indefinitely.

I would suggest that you read SAA and get her to read SAA first. That is the best book to show the steps for recovery. Then I would get to HNHN and LB. Are you going to do the online course?

I haven't been in the recovery stage myself and have only read about it on here. I saw Neak tell someone newly into recovery that they should think of it as a FR until it is proved to not be one. I thought that made some sense.

This needs to be nipped, like, immediately. This should be treated as if it is CONTACT which resets the withdrawal clock back to DAY 1 each time she does it. It isn't because she is "obsessive", stop making excuses for her. It is because she is wayward and she thinks she can get away with it! and she won't stop until you establish some boundaries...

Again, it sounded like $$ wasn't an issue for you so I would get the call into Steve first before letting her know this isn't going to work...

Just repeating it. I was thinking the same things. Thanx SQ

I have told her in no uncertain terms that I know she can make a "fake" account and get around the blocks that have been set on both sides to lurk and spy on OM and OMW, and that this is unacceptable.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to bust her on this one without revealing my intel.

As long as she has contact with OM, even indirectly by viewing his FB page, you will be in FR. Why is she still on the internet, Humbled? I would remove access to that. She can talk to her relatives on the phone.

You've got to take away the crack pipe, Humbled. Get the computer out of the house. Tell her you're taking the computer to your tech guy because it's running slow, or appears to have malware you can't remove, or you want him to add more memory - come up with something to get the computer away from her.

Okay - I can do that.

Humbled, I would bring up the fact that you know she is looking at the OM's facebook page every day because of the computer history. Tell her that is disrespectful to you and it is impeding her recovery. I would get this out there NOW so you can get her off that crack pipe. Tell her that you are considering cancelling the internet service if she continues with this disrespect.

NOW.... you know she will punish you for few days for this, but that is ok. You know it won't last.

That will be a huge step towards recovery right there and I think things will fall into place much more quickly.

You are doing a fabulous job, Humbled, so just stick to the plan!

Block FACEBOOK!

Wheels did it and so can you!

Yes, Mel's advice is better. Just cut to the chase, Humbled. You won't be giving up your kl tool - as a matter of fact, physically taking the computer out could alert her faster. If she doesn't understand how easy it is to install a kl, she might think you're taking it somewhere to have one put on.

Here's a fact: I know of three ways to check the footprints of a computer user. You won't be blowing smoke if you tell her you know how to see where she's been. She may be diligent about going to her internet tools and erasing her history, but it's still going to show up in other places on the computer.

She doesn't need to know how you know. Just that you do and it needs to end. Or the computer goes.

Simple solution:

Tell her that you know that she�s still looking at his page using a fake account. When she asks how, you simply tell her that it�s easy to look at a browser history or look at cookies.

You don�t reveal your KL this way and you offer a simple explanation.

Humbled, you haven't been online for awhile and I'm worried about you - what's going on?

I'm bumping because I'm worried.

Do whatever it takes to stop her from FB.

Anybody see the article on Fox news recently about FB destroying marriages? The old ex boyfriend/gf factor. Makes it dangerous territory.

I would let her know about it, that you've been aware of her spying and then let her get mad. She sure will, but if she is not willing to do whatever it takes for a real recovery, no amount of kl or computer sleuthing will work.

Somehow she has to want to be transparent and stop the lookie lookie online.

Btw...she is able to FB b/c she is at home.

Should WW get a job, most likely her employer would not allow FB. This is something widespread now, and my employer bans FB for every computer (it's blocked as all social networking or dating sites) and even makes those accessing those types of sites via their smartphones subject to disciplinary action if caught.

I say she gets out of the house, finds something else to do during the day, and finds a way to end her online addiction.

Btw, I work at a huge huge hospital. I'd say most big companies are onboard with that sentiment of no FB or social networking or personal stuff (dating sites) when at work. Makes for a bad environment and foggy mind!

Is this still on the Fox website? I'd LOVE to see it.

Humbled, what gives?

How are you doing?

I suspect Humbled didn't take our advice and let his WW run the show. He gave her waaaay too much credit and trust.

Well, we'll find out when he's back here in 6 months

Wow - thanks for the votes of confidence...maybe we shouldn't assume people are failing just because they haven't posted? I've just been busy and haven't had a chance to post. Plus I'm actively working on things as suggested.

Things are going well. I had the conversations with her that you all recommended and was very firm about it. The conversation wasn't even hard. WW confessed to me about the alternate FB profile and the web searching and it has since stopped (I have a KL). She had two incidents after our conversation when she started to look but then logged off, and she confessed them to me before I even had to bring it up/verify. We talked about it - she seems to be being much more open and honest with me now, even about her struggles and failures. She also seems to be happy every time I help her shut a pathway off - she seems genuinely relieved. She says she doesn't like her addiction anymore and her brain is tired of obsessing. Aside from those slips, we are in week 4 of NC. There has also been NC from OM.

Currently reading SAA, HNHN, and Lovebusters. While the first two are obviously applicable to our current problem, the last one really hits home for us because of the problems we had before the A. It might be the one that ends up helping us the most.

Withdrawal has been typical, but WW's progress has been steady and fairly quick. She is still foggy sometimes, but she seems to be able to recognize when she is feeling that way and "ride it out" for lack of a better term. She seems to have accepted reality and knows that when she is foggy it is not something she should "go with" and live in but something she needs to work her way out of. Sometimes she will have a sad day, sometimes a a day where she is "jonesing" and will admit to me that she has an urge to contact even though she is committed to not doing so, and sometimes she has a crabby or angry day. But she seems to cope with them better now, keeps herself busy, talks with me honestly about how she is feeling, and apologizes for the crabby days or even the sad days where she misses OM and she feels bad that I have to see it. On the occasional angry day she will even admit the fogginess makes her think about leaving, but she seems committed to not listening to those thoughts. More and more she admits that it is not the OM she misses but the way she felt about herself during the A.

WW's affection and commitment and feelings towards me and the marriage are steadily returning. She called me her soulmate yesterday - that is the first time she has said that about me since the A. We spend lots of UA together - 15-20 hours per week, we go on dates, we show lots of affection and admiration, have much better conversations, and have been meeting each others SF needs nicely - it has even improved further since the A.

WW has moved back into our bedroom and added me back to FB, and has pretty much shut down her FB account to everyone but family and close current friends. She says she is staying for life and never leaving and she wants to work on us. She seems genuinely happy and excited about our future - not the schoolgirl in love happiness she exhibited during the affair, but more like a calm contentedness and happiness with her life. She is still mourning and withdrawing and is certainly not pretending to be "back to normal", but she says she realizes now that she is right where she is supposed to be - that I am her best friend, her soulmate, that she loves me, and that I make her happy, and that this is the life she wants, with me and the kids.

Right now we are just focusing on:
1. Continuing NC
2. Getting WW through withdrawal
3. Working on reconnecting and meeting each others' ENs

So, here are a couple of questions:

1. I know everyone said I should tell her it is not acceptable for her to talk to me about OM, but now that she wants to move towards recovery, she is needing help sorting out some feelings and really wants to be able to talk with me about them. Specifically, she wants to be able to truly "let go" of this OM and the A, but she is having trouble understanding how to process what happened. She always seems to be torn between:
A) Believing OM is a creep who was just out to use her for sex; or B) Believing they are two people who just got caught up in an affair and had real feelings but should have never done it because they are married and should have honored their vows.

She seems to understand the issues here - all evidence points to the fact that the truth is somewhere in between - he is a narcissistic cheating alcoholic OM, but I don't doubt that he developed feelings for her. After all, it's an EA, right? But how do I help her through his without "supporting" her fantasy? Her self-esteem needs to believe it was not entirely option A, but at the same times she knows it was not a fairy tale either - it was something that should never have happened. Help here from some FWWs?

2. We have EPs in place, she seems to be recovering well, and she has sworn to me that she is done with OM and wants to be with me for life. I am starting to believe her. But yet I can't stop feeling unsafe. I live in fear every day that OM will try to contact her at some point, even though I am starting to feel confident that she would tell me and rebuke him. Is this normal?

3. I am trying to keep the Giver in my forefront now, but sometimes I am still so hurt at things she said and did and don't know how to process them. Help here?