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nygirl - I'd advise you to post over on the Surviving an Affair forum with your story - there is a lot of help available over there for you.
Welcome.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Last night I was talking with my STBX (again). Convo went on til around 3 am (not unusual) and got intense on both sides. Not screaming/fighting...just trying to work thru so much distrust, hurt, pain together. We are both hurting very much.
I ended up going home last night (at 4:00 am) to talk in person and sleep in the same house together. It's not too far from where I'm staying (about 6 miles) so it wasn't like I drove far.
After talking for a bit longer she let's me know she was at a party with friends for the football game and "he" was there. She said, "It wasn't a big deal though he's with his new GF now." She couldn't understand why I was so livid. This guy (known him 20 yrs) has a new "girlfriend" every week...which she obviously never noticed before. He didn't respect our marriage enough not to sleep with her (and other stuff)...why in the hell would he respect his new GF not to do it again.
IDK - maybe I shouldn't be going over there. I swear it seems like EVERY time I talk with her in person some new piece of info comes out that further crushes any hopes I have/had of saving our marriage. It's not like it was an accident she saw him. The people that had the party told her he was invited and prob would be there. She chose to bring our kids over there and hang out for the day, drinking, watching the game, etc...
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Captain,
I just wanted to say that it is never too late to fight for your marriage. Who filed, you or her? If it was you, there is the option of dismissing the action. Then you will be able to move back home. Don't give up trying just because you are not getting the desired results from your W. Keep in mind, even though she may have OM, that she carries a lot of anger towards you for your EMR. I am sure she appreciates your efforts, even if her pride will not allow her to admit it.
Captain please disregard the below threadjack.
Vibrissa,
you wrote:
"ANY woman who is willing to get involved with a married man is ABSOLUTELY not someone you should be in a relationship with - because this woman's selfishness will put her before your children."
I disgaree w/ that statement. Not all OW are selfish, or will throw the COM under the bus. I am a FOW, that is actually raising the COM, from my FMM's (XH) M. I have been taking care of her for years. Neither of her "parents" support her financially, or in any other manner.
Last edited by tewjtm_dup1; 09/22/10 11:34 PM.
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it! - my take on the old proverb.
WS
Separated from H 10/15/10 due to an issue regarding parenting issues
Back w/ MM
DD - 16 mine from previous R
DFSD 9 - Raising DD of XMM/XH - She may not be mine biologically, but she is in every way that counts.
2 DS - grown and in the US Marines
H - has no kids.
TOW - femalesargeant
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I disgaree w/ that statement. Not all OW are selfish. Or will throw the COM under the bus. I am a FOW, that am actually raising the COM, from my FMM's (XH) M. I have been taking care of her for years. Neither of her "parents" support her financially, or in any other manner. twe, any women who will screw a married man is by, definition, selfish and thoughtless. Vibrissa is absolutely right. Interfering in a child's family in such a grievous, disgusting manner speaks volumes about the OW. The OW throws the COM under the bus by crawling into the pig pen with her married father. You can put lipstick on that pig, but you still have a pig. Captain, to Vibrissa's point, any woman who would get it on with a married man has little respect for your children or for marriage. She might be good for some cheap sex, but is not marriage material.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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post moved.
Last edited by Vibrissa; 09/23/10 09:40 AM. Reason: removing thread jack
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Tew - she filed on me...so she has the control to stop it.
And I will reply to the statement about the OW...that's just a load of crap from an obviously biased/skewed opinion of a person who has been hurt deeply. NO 2 stories are alike...keep that in mind before spewing hateful comments like that with little to zero intimate knowledge of the inner-most details behind a failing marriage. Sometimes (many times)...the OP is not the cause for a divorce, but they sure are usually a convenient excuse.
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Tew - she filed on me...so she has the control to stop it.
And I will reply to the statement about the OW...that's just a load of crap from an obviously biased/skewed opinion of a person who has been hurt deeply. NO 2 stories are alike...keep that in mind before spewing hateful comments like that with little to zero intimate knowledge of the inner-most details behind a failing marriage. Sometimes (many times)...the OP is not the cause for a divorce, but they sure are usually a convenient excuse. This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Here you will find what you need as it relates to the Marriage Builders� principles that can be found in the Basic Concepts, Articles, and Q&A Columns of the Marriage Builders web site. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders� Bookstore.
You are welcome to look around and read about discussions that are similar to your situation or discussions that are just interesting. As you will find, the individual forums below are open to the public for reading.
If you would like to post a question of your own or start a discussion, click on the "Register User" link below to begin the membership process. There is no fee for joining. However, you will become a member of a community. And with that membership you will be held responsible and accountable for following the community's Rules & Guidelines and Codes of Conduct. They are very straightforward and are required in order to keep a safe and supportive community.
One of the most important requirements for becoming a member is that you read all of Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. Click the tab "Basic Concepts" above on the header to find them. The purpose of this Forum is to help couples use those Basic Concepts to overcome marital conflicts and restore romantic love.
Many of our members have been in shoes similar if not the same as yours. They begin by asking questions and, with the help of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, other members point them in a direction that will solve their problem. After their problem is solved, they often stay on to help new members with their own experience, perspective, and opinion.
Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Counseling Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders� Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail JustUss at JustUss2@aol.com
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If this site were ONLY about saving a marriage it wouldn't support ppl that have gotten a Divorce.
You do see the section this topic is in right...?
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You do see that it is possible for someone who is divorcing or is divorced to use MarriageBuilding tools to possibly rebuild their 1st marriage or for use in the future...for self-improvement purposes?
BTW, my 2cents on your M:
As long as you are working with OW, you should just let your wife go. You are accustomed to cake eating, and now that your W is getting ready to stop meeting your needs, you are trying to find a way to keep her. Typical cake eating behavior.
PS, a lot of the stuff here on MB probably will make more sense to you once you have stopped contact and defogged. You are going to remain stuck while you are still in contact. But of course, I doubt you will listen. Good luck...
Last edited by SusieQ; 09/24/10 01:52 PM.
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If this site were ONLY about saving a marriage it wouldn't support ppl that have gotten a Divorce.
You do see the section this topic is in right...? Not every marriage is salvageable. When a marriage ends it is a tragedy. MB provides a framework to identify your mistakes and work to better yourself so the lost marriage can at least become a learning experience. That way your next relationship is better. The fact that there is a divorced section doesn't make adultery ok and doesn't mean that the MB principles don't still apply.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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If this site were ONLY about saving a marriage it wouldn't support ppl that have gotten a Divorce.
You do see the section this topic is in right...? It does support divorcing couples, but it does not support adultery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If this site were ONLY about saving a marriage it wouldn't support ppl that have gotten a Divorce.
You do see the section this topic is in right...? You have not divorced. You are still currently an adulterer.
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If this site were ONLY about saving a marriage it wouldn't support ppl that have gotten a Divorce.
You do see the section this topic is in right...? Think man. Only have of those who end up divorced actually chose their divorce. Your wife filed right? You may end up divorced simply because she filed, even if you are marriage building. The divorced section is designed for those folks. Those who came here to save their marriage, but ended up divorced. Some chose divorce because their spouse would not end an affair. Some were divorced against their will because their spouse thought divorce was a better solution that joining them in marriage building. Think man, think!
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Yes - and I've been trying to work with my wife. I have been interviewing for a new job (2 in the last month), but have not had any offers yet. I have gone back to Church, met with our pastor, stopped communication with OW...other than work and that is VERY little since we are in dif't depts. I have been drinking too much lately and she asked that I quit drinking...which is a very valid request. I haven't addressed this issue fully and we've talked about it / understand it can't ALL happen overnight.
I wanted to come back to the (our) house last week. Only reason I've been gone is because her wretched skank of a mother moved in when she filed for divorce. I truly hate that woman.
I asked that SHE cut ties with the OM (and his friends) she cheated with. Stop hanging out with the person whose house she was in when she began her sexual affair with him. Stop hanging out at parties at this house where she had sexual encounters with him and parties he still goes to. I asked that she JUST do this for ONE week...and let's see how it goes with me at home.
She said NO. Her exact words were, "you have no right to ask me to do anything..." She said, "You can come home, but I'm not cancelling any plans or avoiding those friends."
I'm sorry - but that is total BS. I WILL NOT be the only person in this marriage that is trying to fix it. I can NOT do it alone, and we are going to end up divorced unless she can get her head straight. I do NOT want to be married to someone that thinks it is okay to go to lunch with 2 of his most intimately close friends that were aware of the cheating, and it happened at least once in THEIR house. If that means I'm not trying hard enough...FINE...I'm not.
Last edited by Captain76; 09/27/10 02:09 PM.
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So you'll only do the right thing if your wife does the right thing?
Talk about moral relativism.
You'll let your morality be dictated by a wayward rather than the strength of your own character, or in this situation, the lack thereof.
You've done very little to end her affair and you have barely scratched the surface and a bit too late at that in ending yours.
No you can't fix a marriage alone, but you can do a lot of the work alone, since you're half of what created this mess. It's not that you aren't trying hard enough, it's that you've barely tried and started at the very last minute.
Honestly, this marriage probably isn't savable, it's too little too late. But YOU have had as big a part to play in this as she has, so you cannot dump all the blame on her.
You cheated and when she wanted to reconcile you blew her off for your OW. Does that justify her cheating? No. But you are not an innocent BS here.
The sad thing is, you were here in SAA weeks before this thread in Divorcing. You could have fixed things THEN and had a better chance than you do now, but you selfishly decided to divorce because the numbers worked out.
And now you selfishly want your family back.
But you're selfishly going to give up because it isn't fair that you have to do hard work and your wife doesn't.
See the common thread here?
I hope you spend some time (AWAY FROM THE BOTTLE) really looking hard at your life and your actions so that you can avoid falling into this same selfish mess in the future.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Exactly, you can't fix it alone. But you can take the first steps alone. You can tell her that she is more valuable than laying claim to some moral high ground. You can validate that you don't own or even rent some place of moral superiority. However, you can demonstrate that you are becoming a husband she would gladly have.
Guess what? You can only do that alone. Her behavior doesn't determine if you ever become a husband she would be happy to have.
That's something you have to do all by yourself.
It certainly doesn't depend on her adopting some morally acceptable position for you to make those changes in yourself.
Stop giving excuses and start doing the right thing.
Don't worry about what she's doing or not doing. You have enough to worry about with your own contributions and behaviors. You really don't have time or the credibility to focus on her actions.
Until you are the perfect one, stop complaining that she's not the perfect one.
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I have been doing things to better myself.
My wife is even taking notice and has mentioned that she is happy about the changes I am making.
I am certainly NOT complaining she's not perfect...I never would expect us to be "perfect". I know that the changes I have made and continue to make will only better myself for whoever I am with in the future. One of my BIGGEST "lessons learned" in all this is about LYING!! Dang that's definitely 1 of the most exhausting habits anyone can have. It's been really nice NOT to have to remember what I told her (or whoever) last time we talked to keep it straight. Heck if I can stick to THAT change alone I think a LOT of the other things will fall into place on their own.
I didn't mean that I'm going to STOP doing what I need to do. That's NOT the case. I'm not waiting on her to be perfect. I AM acknowledging that (to me) I don't think her head is in it...not really. If she were really wanting to stay married she would not WANT to stay friends with these people. She would do everthing in her power to avoid them. The fact that she doesn't...shows me she isn't ready, but it does NOT mean I'm going to stop the good changes I am making. I guess I mis-spoke when I said I will NOT be the only person trying to fix it. What I mean is it won't be fixed if I am the only person trying to do so. That would have been more accurate.
Last edited by Captain76; 09/27/10 03:12 PM.
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At this point, it does no good what you think about her head. If you are going to assume anything, assume something positive such as she is just as rational as I am. If I expect her head to be in it, I have to give her something that makes her want to be in it.
It really does you no good at this point to make judgments about where here head is. Not only is that the love buster of the Disrespectful Judgment, but it's likely you've not given her enough time and data to even come close to making he want to change her mind.
When you've had 6 months of no contact, no love busters and meeting every emotional need she's expressed she wants you to meet and THEN you look to see if her head is in it or not, that's fine.
But right now, your laser like focus needs to be on your behavior, period.
So leave out the judgments and observations about what she is or is not doing for the next 6 months.
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6 months?
Well...our divorce will be finalized in 14 days.
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Well, apparently everything is an excuse and a reason not to try.
I'm thinking your wife will be better off without you, if you give up this easily.
It's your call. But never is your behavior predicated on external events. You can try to do everything I've suggested regardless what happens with the divorce or what she's doing.
What I see is everything presented to you is met with an external exception.
If you want to save your marriage, the divorce being final in 14 days is not an excuse to stop trying if that's what you want to do.
But you do what you want to do because of you and your values, not because of external events.
Change your behavior. Start by removing excuses from your vocabulary.
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