1. I seriously doubt it will end in sex. But SF is on top of his EN and looking good for him can't hurt.

2. Itold him to go NC. I thought the point of Plan A was to show him how wonderful I am regardless of if he agrees to NC. And during that time o set up Plan B. Am I missing something here?

So he called me wondering where I was he had gone to my office. I had stayed a little later than usual not that he knows what usual is anymore since he's usually not home when I get home. But I said I was home. Not sure why he went to my office but when i asked of he wanted dinner he said hed heat something up when he gor home and he would be home later.

No relationship talk when he gets home right? Just confirm that he needs NC and Plan A.

WTD, I think your exposure has interfered with the affair. So that's good news. If you want to continue Plan A while you give him a little bit of time to decide on NC, I think that's OK.

But I would make it very clear that you aren't going to tolerate the "affair" any longer and tell him that you are willing to forgive him and work on the M but that he must commit to NC and move back home.

Don't argue it with him. Tell him that's what you are offering to him and he needs to give you a yes/no answer (no wiggle room).

If he continues to deny it and/or won't agree to NC, I am going to strongly recommend you swiftly move to Plan B.

Susie, that's kinda where I'm at right now. And my thoughts too. Yes the exposure shook it up. And me going and telling her to her face that I had exposed shook it up even more. I wish I could have exposed to her family but didn't have any info for them.

He wasn't definitely in a bad emotional state today. Not sure if it was because of losing OW or what. He made is seem like he was upset because it was over between us but he has been saying it's over several times and never reacted like this. Then when he said everyone hates me. He said I have been trying to figure out what I want you won't give me space and now everyone hates me. And I reassured him I didn't hate him.

But on with Plan A...

Then if no change Plan B.

Good girl. Don't feed into his fogbabble. Become a broken record. "I have hope for our M but you need to end the affair and move back home."

Don't argue. Stand your ground. Remember, you are the cool collected one with a plan and a whole forum of people on your side. He is the confused one, grasping for straws.

He is going to try really hard to keep BOTH of you (this is what he means when he talks about "space").

WS: I need more space, you keep trying to control me.
WhatToDO: You having more space doesn't work for me anymore. It was a mistake for me to agree to that. I've told you what I need for this to work. Let me know your decision by the end of the night.

Hang in there.

I think I can be a broken record.
He came home. I gave him his cookies. And was super nice.

GREAT!

Now, don't expect that Plan A will change his mind. It probably won't. The goal of Plan A is to show him you can be a good wife. It will wear you down quick so only do this for a few weeks.

Make sure you do something for yourself each day. Something to lift your spirits.

Eventually you will have to start planning a Plan B. You have to accept this may not work. Plan B may not work, but either way your marriage wont work if he's having an affair and this process will make YOU a better person.

In Marriage Builders terminology, an Emotional Need is not "something you say you need." It is a craving that, when met, makes you feel in love with the person meeting it. It is not something you need in order to be happy or something you need in order to live or something you need in order to be a whole person or whatever. It is something you need in order to be in love with the person providing it.

I guess Plan A is just hard. I feel like all I get is cold shoulder. Do I continue to do it even if he doesn't respond. It's all about making him remember me in a good way right?

Yes, continue even if you get no response. In fact DEPEND on getting no response. DEPEND on the fact that there will be little impact.

Plan A is abusive to you, which is why you can only do it for a few short weeks before you go to Plan B to protect yourself.

Have you read Scotty's thread?

Yes I read a lot of it. It was helpful.

I don't have kids of course. If I had kids it would be so much easier. I do have something on my side. He loves me and cares for me. I know it. I can feel it. He also does not want people knowing our personal business. This is all guilt of course and wanting his cake. And I exposed now. Atleast to people who will pressure him. I know exposure is really important.

I guess I should start thinking about Plan B. I know Plan A is short term. I think I could handle Plan A for a while as long as I was getting some support I may need to use the board to vent though.

Any ideas on good Plan A stuff.

I am wondering should I act like everything is ok. What I mean is we have hardly even had a meal together in weeks. If I cook dinner for him I have no idea if he will show up. If I invite him he will likely say no or I have other plans. If I make a special dinner and say dinners at 8:00 I'm cooking blank. He might be inclined to show up. But he also may be peeved that I assumed he would join me for dinner.

We have always spent our evenings together watching tv. Since he's wanted "space" he says the reason he doesnt come home is because I don't leave him alone. Should I watch tv with him? Or be glad he is home and not at OW and leave him alone. I know you all say I shouldn't give him space. But I feel if I don't give him space at home he will just leave to get his "space."

I will walk around the house though looking good I think. If SF what he wants I will dress to attract him.

We are supposed to be having friends staying at our house this weekend. He said he would tell them they could stay but he wouldn't be there. I am going to contact friends myself I think as he hasn't told me if they are or not and he seems to not have plans of moving out yet. Unless he's keeping it from me somehow. He would have to come to me about the money issue of deposit on apt if he was moving out. I handle finances so.

But I need to keep telling myself No relationship talk. That will be very hard for me. Any ideas on how to remind myself to shut it.

So we are still having everyone stay at our house. I talked with the friend let him know exactly what was going on. I had already told him some about sleeping at her house and all. But WH will be forced to sleep in our bed. Or the floor. And we will have a bunch of people staying at the house.

He is so mad at me that I have talked to people. I know this is par for the course but I feel like it's making things worse. But I do know it had to be done.

He tried to tell me that OW is not the bad person. And that she thinks we should go to counseling. This is all a lie right?

I tried to steer the conversation away from relationship talk. And I didn't give in to his angry outburst last night. I stayed calm told him how much I love him and that I want to work things out an make things better.

Then this morning he wasn't up yet and I knew he was running late so I very nicely went to wake him up and he seemed more at ease. I think deep down he REALLY wants to get our marriage back to good. We talked briefly and unlike his anger and outburst last night it was quite nice. Kinda like a what are we doing to ourselves let's just fix this type thing.

He said he was still mad and doesn't understand why I feel like I need to tell the world. Remember he is still putting up the friend front. He's way more confused and conflicted than me. It's all really wearing on him.

I have hope though. Plan A seems to be working. I was so nice to him when he was angry with me. He couldn't help but notice. I think he was trying to push my buttons and I didn't give in I didn't get angry or upset. No crying or anything. A huge step for me. I think that this weekend will be a huge opportunity for me to plan A. He won't be able to run off and I will be able to implement Plan A. Even though there will be other people there it is people I trust.

Well, any woman who climbs into bed with a married man is a skank. They try to alleviate their guilt by encouraging their Married Man to get help. Makes them feel better. It's about par for the course.

Sounds like you're doing great on Plan A. Hard to fight with someone who won't fight back. Stay loving and work to meet his needs. It will get better. Either he will improve, or eventually you will go Plan B.

You just tell him when he asks why "Our marriage is important to me and I will do what it takes to save my marriage". That's all the answer he needs.

His affair is what is confusing and conflicting him. He needs to go NC.

The amazing thing about Plan A. It puts YOU in control of your life. It is empowering.

You've bade a good start. Now just keep it up.

Remember, part of Plan A is taking care of yourself as well. What are you doing for yourself right now?

She probably does feel guilty. And H was like she's not the enemy and all this stuff. I didn't argue though. He knows how I feel about her I made it very clear. But telling him to go to counseling is the exact opposite of her getting mad at him for not making a decision or allowing him to stay at her house.

Yes NC for sure. But he has not, yet.

I have been a broken record. Our marriage is important, I love you, I want to work things out, I want to be in love with you agian, I want to be the way we were. I say all of these things when he asks why.

Plan A is so much better than getting upset everytime he gets angry. Ive tried to ignored the outbursts somewhat. I know he doesn't mean it it's just his anger. So I turn it around and am super nice.

Um. I have been focusing on meeting his needs mostly. I have done pretty good the last couple days I think. He even came home straight from work yesterday. But I already had plans(plans that I had invited him to and he declined) so I did my thing which was fun. I did something FUN for myself not him.

I do plan on trying to go shopping for myself. I have a gift card that I got a while back and haven't used.

Also with our friends coming in it will be a good time to just have fun. No thinking about what's wrong or how to fix it. That will be a good thing for us both I think. I can show him why we fell in love in the first place.

She might have said that, but her intentions is only for her selfishness, knowing she is sleeping around with a married man and now people know (the guilt is hitting her). My OM kept saying "go to counseling, if it doesn't work out you can always come back to me" or "Do it for the kids, I don't want you to leave you husband for me, I want you to know for sure that you can't fix it." BLA BLA BLA BLA

It is only for them knowing they are not breaking up a family (GUILT), they will say "try to fix your marriage" but there is always an "AND" or a "BUT" like.."And if things don't work out my door is always open" ..."but if your feelings doesn't change in 5 months then my door is always open." etc..

It doesn't surprise me that your husband is mad about you exposing that is actually a really good sign, if you wanted to see how I acted when wheels exposed you'd think your husband was a saint.

Ok Question.

So last night since I wasn't home H decided to go out to eat for dinner. I have no idea with I can only assume it was OW and/or other friend. But said he would be home not too late. But when I called and talked to his friend he wasn't very happy with me. So I guess he decided to stay out longer. When I got to be late I worried. His phone was dead which he had told me it was almost dead. So I call OW phone to see if he's with her. She didn't answer. I tried twice and nothing. He ended up coming home soon after. So I guess she told him I had called today and he was kinda pissed. I said I was worried bc I didn't know where you were.

Is it ok for me to contact her on Plan A? I think I am going to tellhim he needs to let me know where he is going and when he'll be back to prevent me calling her. But I shouldn't have to tell him this and I know my nagging gets on his nerves. I was concerned and I had no idea if he was coming home or not.

That is not what plan A is about at all.

NO LB
Meeting his needs
Being the wife he wants

AND

here is the big one..

Having NO expectations!

Ok so no calling her. Got it. No expectations one is hard. He's pretty much treating me like I don't exist. Will hardly acknowledge my presence.

I need to vent a little so I don't go crazy...

So we went out with our friends who are in town. We are in the bar and some reps from a liquor come in giving away free stuff if you buy shots. We had a single guy with us. The other guys, WH and friend, encourage single guy to flirt with girls to get free stuff and he buys a shot and gets some free junk.

Then they were giving away some small stuff keychains and stuff and WH snags one. Then WH was about to buy a shot to get something else when his friends gf runs over to them, rather all of the sudden, they had been there for a few minutes trying to buy the shot so they could get their goodies, and starts getting pissed at her bf for flirting with girls.

Now let me say, I was watching the whole thing. The only one flirting by any means was single guy. WH and friend were just trying to get free stuff. It was obvious.

So I go up to friend and he knows what's going on he is best friend of my husband. He was kinda upset so I tried to cheer him up. I wanted so badly to say even if it was flirting its way better than sleeping at another womans house but it was not the right time or place. Then I notice WH talking to the gf and after she looked not nearly as pissed. I asked WH what he said and he said don't worry about it. I assume he just explained that he wasn't flirting at all. I offered to go buy a shot to get them their goody but apparently all the fun was gone we left the bar and found somewhere else. We ended up having a good time over all the whole night.

I wanted really badly to be closer to H the entire time but I tried to just hang out as a group and have fun. I tank it's important for me to have fun and show him I'm having a good time with him. And he was definitely having fun. So that was good.

Oh and we were in the car with friend. Somehow laundry mat came up and WH was talking about going one time. And his friend who used to be his roommate was like 'you never did your laundry' or something and then was saying how WH always went to his parents house to get laundry done. Than I said something like yeah I think WH has done laundry like 3 times since I've known him and we were all laughing and joking then WH was like well I'll just find someone else to do my laundry then. I think it was a joke but it was hard to tell. I mean what I said really was a joke. We are always poking fun at each other among our friends. But anyway friend was uncomfortable then and changed the subject luckily.

It will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. I hope that H will have fun and OW won't be around at all and he won't be able to sneak off to her so that's good.

Anyway. Time for bed I should have gone to sleep instead of writing this but I needed to get it out because it annoyed me.

Plan A is not forever if he doesn't change while you are doing a GOOD plan A for about 6 weeks then plan B is the next plan of action

I am not very good at this Plan A stuff.

He just doesn't want me around him. He does everything he can to avoid me. I broke and stomped off yesterday. I didn't think he even noticed then he pulled me aside and was like what was that all about. I explained and he was mad of course. I forgot no expectations part.

I can't seem to keep it together. I will try and get the plan A back in order.

He said he is so pissed that I told people at his work that he may never want to be with me because of it. That he's thnking of finding a new job and he doesn't see how we could ever hang out with the people again. Is this all WH talk?

I need to make myself some kind of reminder to stay on plan A. Anyone have any suggestions for things they have done?