Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Quote:
I speak from very recent experience. I seek to propagate the MB belief that liars and cheaters cannot change, and that they are not worth fighting for.


THIS is not the MB philosophy. MANY adulterers here HAVE changed. THE MARRIAGE is worth fighting for despite the fact that the wayward isn't.

You're comparing a 4 month relationship of an 'amazing' connection and fantastic sex, with a 12 year marriage?!?! Really?

No one is saying your girlfriend CAN'T change. What they ARE saying is that as she is RIGHT NOW is someone unsafe for you and the relationship creates a distraction from work she needs to do and pain for you.

This is what happens when you commit too early, without discrimination.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
Vibrissa,

Thanks for your advice. I am actually very familiar with the MB concepts. I've been lurking here for over 10 years, I've read two of Harley's books and participated in his radio show on one occasion.

I will, however, refrain from contaminating others' threads with my bitter rants. Thank you for that suggestion.

-HappyHiker

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Your posts don't demonstrate that knowledge or you'd realize that infidelity IN MARRIAGE is surmountable.

Unless you were using the opportunity to make a stab at the forum and the advice you've been given to leave your girlfriend. In which case, using the poor man and his's wife's terrible situation as a chance to get on your own soap box is despicable. There is a man in real pain as is the woman who he has hurt. MB provides a path to recovery. How dare you use their suffering as a method to push your own agenda. But whatever.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 09/28/10 02:06 PM.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 29
Vibrissa,

It was a stab at the forum and the advice I have received here.

However, I recognize this forum is not to blame. My gf is to blame for her affair and her lies. And I am to blame for trusting her and not having the will or the desire to get out.

I have apologized to the OP.

-HappyHiker

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Good luck HH!
I think the work many of us betrayed people have to do is to figure out why we attract lairs and cheaters and work on ourselves so we no longer have to deal with them.
There are honest people out there who would not cheat or lie and those are the ones we want in our love life.
blessing


atena
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Originally Posted By: HappyHiker
It seems I have a lot of work to do too. For one, I need to figure out why I trust people so easily. This is obviously a flaw that I need to correct.

I need to become bitter, cold and distrustful of everyone until they have proved to me they are worthy of my trust.


Well, I wish you'd spend some more time on the After Divorce Dating board, we'd set you straight real good smile.

That aside, you do not need to become bitter or distrustful. You need to learn to become attracted to the right people, and vice versa. I have spent several of my initital post-divorce years dating the wrong people, until I got beat up enough to ask myself why I attracted those kind of people, and why I was attracted to them. And believe it or not, I learned to stop that pattern, and learned to value and be attracted to things like stability, normalcy and calm, over excitement, wildness, and drama. And my subsequent relationship improved tremendously as a result.

I am not saying that you should look for the same things as I did, I am just saying that it's important to understand what you really want in a partner, and then look for that person, as opposed to being attracted to the wrong things. As they say, opposites attract, but they are rarely good for you in the longterm.

AGG


Joined: May 2005
Posts: 323
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 323
Originally Posted By: HappyHiker
I discovered my gf's EA against me and multiple EA's and PA's against her ex-H a little over 2 weeks ago.


Well you have been given a gift my friend. Should you try and build a relationship with this women then don't come back crying about an affair she had because she will have them.

It is in her makeup. It is what she does it is what she knows. I am sure she has cheated in every relationship she has had.

Those of us who have had a spouse that did that to us would have loved to know it ahead of time. Before all of the kids and all of the wasted years. You have been given a gift and you should take it.

Quote:

She has done a lot since then - confessing to me, talking to her family and friends, contacting one of the OMW's etc. I believe she is also in the process of modifying her work role so that she does not have to take overnight trips.

But I find myself obsessed with thoughts that she is still cheating, or that she will cheat again and just do a better job of covering her tracks. I have no evidence to believe this - it is just a worry, and it won't go away, no matter how much I try to ignore it and focus on the good we have together.

When does this horrible feeling end? How do I move past this?

-HappyHiker


Well you do have evidence that she will cheat again because that is what she does. It does not make you a bad person it makes her a bad person. Some women need the thrill or need the attention of other men to validate their attractiveness. It happens and there is something broke inside of them.

What you choose to do now will decide how much drama you are going to have in your life. Good luck.

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 21 guests, and 63 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5