OK Plan B Draft 2 has just been posted. Better luck this time.

I don't know who you people are out there who do this, but I am truly amazed I really am. One day I just was surfing and came across MB and saw their principles and liked what I read and here I am getting advice for the last 2 months from a bunch of strangers, who go on this site to help other people they have never met.

I think I am a bit embarrassed at posting a letter, and expecting some people out their in cyber space to read it. I am very appreciate is what I am trying to say if I can stop waffling for a minute.

Hello Hitch,

Looks like you have a lot on your plate right now...

Considering Plan B...

Husband possibly seeing OW...

He is reeling you in just to push you away...

Why?

Because HE doesn't think you choose HIM over the OM.

Maybe...

Maybe not...

He cannot punish you if you are not around...

Which scares the hell out of him.

So he is nice to you when you pull away.

To get you back so that he can punish you some more.

I know you have told US what you think of the OM.

Have you told HIM what you think of the OM???

Have you admitted in front of others including your own family and friends how that was the WORST decision of your life and how much you love your H and want to grow old with him?

He WILL continue this behavior RIGHT THROUGH any Plan B you do UNTIL he knows YOU think your behavior with the OM was...

WRONG TO YOU!!!

Not just because it was a dirty affair...

but because you almost lost the love of your life...

Your H.

And he will probably just use OW as a weapon against your Plan B.

Because he is not getting from you right now what he needs to be able to move on.

He must hear this from your own lips or he will see no permanent future with you...

The reason Mrs.Flint and I were successful is she told EVERYONE that her affair with my brother was the WORST decision she had ever made AND regretted it with all of her heart.

THAT is what made it possible for me to forgive her.

She restored my ability to believe that she thought I was the one she loved...

Until you do the same for your H he will punish you right through your Plan B because he believes you do not choose him over the OM.

If you did you would be telling the world about it.

Hitch, there is no such thing as a secret.

ALL of his friends and family know about the affair and most of yours.

They ALL need to see you regret the affair,

not because it cost you...

but because it was the wrong choice because of how much you love your H.

He needs this.

Both men and women feel this way about this.

Unless they feel they are FIRST CHOICE they don't want to be in the relationship.

HE doesn't think YOU feel he is your first choice.

You must tell him and SHOW him in front of others or he feels it is just more lies which you told him during your affair.

Please make sure you have completed this before you do any Plan B or he is simply going to bail...

because in his mind he has already lost you or you would be SHOWING him that you want him...and not just in private.

Give him something to MISS if you have to go to Plan B and something OTHERS will bring up to him if you have to go to Plan B.

God bless.

Jim

Hitch, please pay attention to this, especially the emphasized portion.

You're all over the place because you are still letting his actions affect you. You're REacting to him instead of acting according to your own principles, boundaries, and plans.

x2

I agree too.. I am waiting to comment until JL checks in. I think you should start plan A now, even if you feel you have done it a long time allready. read some threads on it Hitch.

I liked your letter also. Not sure what to think but it has a lot of good communication in it. Your H is an interesting case. Acts childish , indifferent and independant like a big child, but I think he loves you. I don't see as much malice as I see selfishness. That may sound confusing but he is not having an A with a women who he believes is the answer to all his dreams and hiding her from you, he is acting like a teenager and maybe still playing around in a immature way. The difference is I don't think he is "in love" with the other women. If its true that he was loyal before your A, he still wants to love you but doesn't want to learn how.


I like JLs direct no bullcrap approach to what caused you to fall when you did. Also I trust his objectivity to what NEEDS TO BE DONE more than what I might come up with. So I hope he checks in and helps with the plans soon. I think he might help in the direction of how the Plan B letter should be drafted and the points that will help you in your personal recovery.


I am to soon out of a relationship where I let my boudaries go in the name of "love". My version was total grace and forgiveness and I turned into a doormat. So you see although you find me understanding and ask if I have a crystal ball, I am afraid it would end up being the blind leading the blind. I was very much like you and not standing up for myself but instead expecting to be treated as I treated others. Life doesn't work like that as much as we would like it to, and the painful truth is we are responsible for what we allow in our lives. We are in charge, God expects us to stand up for ourselves and deal.


There still is that area in your life that I trust others to address relating to your self-esteem and personal boudaries and I think part of plan B should address those issues even in the letter. I saw some of that in the last draft. I believe the letter should reflect H not using your forgiving personality against you and protecting his wife from these issues that cause you fear. Once those issues and his behavior is defined in you they can go in the letter also.


Your doing good Hitch, read scottys thread and also other threads as you calm down and stop reacting to his foolishness, I have hope that once you KNOW what you want in your marriage and what you need from your H you will not have any problem asking for it.

Hello Guys

Me again, still here plugging away. Anyway I have an update for you. Last night my H came home, and I had this strong surge of love came over me and I want downstairs gave him a massive hug and told him I love him, and hugged him tight for about 10 minutes. Then went upstairs to bed.

This morning after reading all the messages on MB was feeling really exhausted with all this yoyo, and dragged myself out of bed and went to the kitchen. When I got there the freezer door had been left open and all the food had defrosted and I just put my head in my hands and sobbed and wailed like some deranged woman (its mazing what it takes to get your emotions out). My H came running down the stairs saying whats happened, whats wrong in a panic and I was just sobbing with my head in my hands on the kitchen table. Now I am not a big crier, my H always use to think it was a bit weird that I hardly ever cried. When I told him it was over the freezer he laughed and said oh my Hitch, and gave me a hug and comforted me whilst I sobbed some more. I said you know I have only been distant with you because of how you mistreated me on Weds, he apologised and said he was sorry. Anyway we hugged some more, we then kissed passionately and hugged some more and ripped each others clothes off and had SF. First time since D Day.

hmmm.

Weeeeeee...its the rollercoaster..hang on!!

Well sex between two married people can't be a bad thing huh?

If she were a BW I'd go with this, but she has the distinction of being known as a WW, so she has to not only convince him to remain in the marriage, true to her, but also that she's not going to run off to OM.

Three weeks probably is NOT enough time to demonstrate that she's committed to the marriage.

That's why I've been saying 6 months of consistency. There has been so much inconsistency in the past that it's going to take a long time to truly demonstrate that she's in this marriage 100%

Lol...have permanant grin on my face. I never ever liked rollercoasters, they always made me puke (where is the icon for that one?).

Enlightened - you could have a very valid point, but 6 months jeez...i will book myself a bed in the local hospital. At the moment though, Plan B is the last thing on my mind. So consistent plan A it is (does the A stand for Asylum?).

You always post on my thread, right on queue Jim. Your right, its just hard to bring this up in conversation, but I am in full PLan A and will DO IT.

Thanks again,

Any other tips what your wife did to turn your head, let me know.

Hitch.

Hitch2007,

I'm sure you must be feeling great today, I remember the days that were good were so good, but keep in mind this is day to day and there is lots of ups and downs. I'm still going through them..
Your husband showed you that he really does care about you still......move slowly with him, make him feel safe with you, show him he is the most important person on this earth......to you and that you need and want to share your life with him, tell him what you think of the OM now and how you see him and the affair for what it is......keep up the good work ..........((hugs))

Thanks Jessi I do feel great. I have also rented out our other property so neither of us have any where to go. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am so pleased but understand there are going to be good and bad days.

The six months thing has a good point, I think she might be ready for the nuthouse in the process though. I would ask S Harley on that.

He saw you weak when you were crying and reached out to protect you. Thats important Hitch and tells you something about his feelings. Like Jim said, he wants to be first or he isn't gonna let his guard down. Be prepared for him to waver and pull away now that he has made love to you because he just opened up his heart.

He saw someone he loved weak and in need and was in the position to comfort them and he was in control of that relationship. What you need to show him is that he allways had that control and do more about it in the future.


A strong Plan A for a period of time would go a long way toward accomplishing what Jim and Ex said too. Showing him you hate what happened with OM and not expecting him to just believe your words will bring him out of the confusion and fear he must feel. I forgave my wife for her indescretions but it took a long time for me to get over the insecurity it caused. Felt like I was on a tightrope and put me under the microscope every day as she was never really honest with me or herself. I was separated two years from her and only after two more years together after that did I start to trust her...really. Even though I forced myself to act like I did and told myself that time was over. It still took a lot of reasurance from her.


Plan A is really hard because you have to show him a picture of how it could be, or should I say of how YOU would be, and how you really want the marriage to be, while you still are not getting your needs met. He will possibly push your buttons to keep things the way they were and want to return to the way it was at first. You have the stigma of cheating also that he might pull into his arsenal of self-preservation when he is challanged to change. Remember you must be clear that the cheating was wrong no matter what he didn't do to meet your needs. When he SEES that you own that you are on the road to him owning his stuff.

Again read some threads about plan A, and talk to S Harley about the time you should do it, maybe he can tell you some signs you can read that clues you in to where H is at.

Ex, I definitely understand your point. I'm firmly in the camp of whatever it takes for as long as it takes. (See: my own M!) My concern with this particular situation, though, is the waywardness of the BH.

Also, Hitch is still way all over the place. I don't think that's reassuring to her BH, and I worry her emotional responses to him will do more harm than good. If she can't pull it together and center herself, if she can't come up with a plan and stick to it, if she can't remove herself from reacting to her BH's actions, then I think Plan B is a valid consideration.

I don't know. Hitch, remind me - have you counseled w/ the Harleys? If not, can you?

yeah Mrs V, thats a real concern for me too. If she reacts during a plan A.

I am going to try my hardest not to react and being very calm. I think he will come back to me I just need to have patience and thin enlightened could be right. My H needs to see some consistency.

My problem is because he hasn't commuted verbally, has not agreed to an MB program, we still sleep in separate rooms and still shows signs of IB.

I am expecting things to happen overnight. I just need to have more patience, something I have always been poor at.

We crossed the SF barrier yesterday and I know this was a huge barrier for my H. It was only 3 weeks ago he said the thought of it was repulsive. In my last session with SH he said that was the next stage of my plan and he thought progress had been very positive.

Hitch2007,
Just keep being the person he can see himself with even though he won't always react like you think he should, this is the tough part.......the trick is keeping your eye on the big picture......don't get disappointed in some of the now........
Just keep telling him that he is the most important thing to you and that you will never give up on him or the two of you and your marriage......
Tell him how wonderful it was to be in his arms again and how safe that made you feel.........
Hitch I know you want to move fast and have everything okay between the two of you but you know what just enjoy every new moment with him, this is your new marriage, don't rush it, cherish and love every word............and remember the big picture........you are well on your way......think about how far you have already come........let him see you soft side, show him you need him........

What jessie said... Ditto

If she reacts during ANY plan, then she demonstrates she's not a safe spouse, period.

Ditto for him.

I'd give him the same advice. Make a plan, stick to it, work the plan for 6 months without making a big deal about her responses.

The idea of plan A is to show your spouse what things can be like. If one is unable to be a strong, safe spouse, then perhaps they are better off without the reactionary spouse.

Certainly less chance to win your spouse back, but it's a plan.

She has to show him something other than the reactionary WW she's recently demonstrated. If she cannot or will not do that, I don't see much hope for any positive change.

Agreed on all points, especially this last one.