I can answer that simply Niitse. The reaSon for my withdrawal is my H bevaviour and constant love busters. The fact that he has serially cheated on me, verbally abused me, played games with me, ignored me, flaunted other women in front of me, ridiculed me in front of his friends, told me despised me and wanted to see me suffer, bought women back to the house whilst I was there, ignored my calls and text messages.

I will be honest when my H is really awful I get withdrawal for OM but I have never acted on it. The withdrawal is not to see him it is more to call him And for him to go there there.

So I guess I still have some withdrawal but honestly I hated spending time with OM and never have any desire to actually see him

Your right though niitse I think too highly of OM when h behaves poorly. I will remember that one. Believe me my love for H has no comparisson to how I felt for OM.

So flipping confused.



I sent him a text on Friday and have had no response. Not a text to let me know what day/time he is going to be home.

H then comes home from golf, asks lots of questions all about my weekend, which normally he does not show any interest in what I am doing. Then when I sit upstairs, he starts up conversations about whats on the tv over text. I have just ignored.

I am so confused, he is yo yo behaviour too. Will someone explain what is going on. Is this normal behaviour of BS? Am I suppose to still be in Plan A, even though I feel in withdrawal. When I am nice to him he pulls aways, when I am in withdrawal he is more interested.

What I meant was is that the kind of defense for you that your father would have? Would he ask the same questions and challange his attitude.
No DJ to yur dad..

JL

I need your help here. There are lots of things I have not said to my H out of fear, you suggested a letter before Plan B to tell him my hopes, fears, dreams ect.... I still feel like I need to write it.

Do you think I should do that before plan b, part of me thinks yes he is not a mind reader part of me thinks that it will fall on deaf ears.

since he came back from golf he is being overly nice to me, probably to make himself feel better.

Thank you

Hannah

Update, H just sent me this text;

Hi Hitch thanks for sorting out my jumper. Your text at the weekend was a little out of the and didn't know what to text back. I really hate us arguing and dont understand whats happened? I would love us to get on but there seems to be so much inconsistency.. X

Its not magic Hitch, the POSOM could see you had a real problem too. His way of dealing with it was self-serving and he took advantage of you.

When did OM understand he was standing on your heartache to "get some" or feel important? He was a wuss who if you were solid in your heart and convictions, and were not going thru this, you would probably turn away because of his "drug" issues alone.

I know you need someone to talk to and you are having difficulty in your marriage. What you don't need is someone who simply sympathizes to be your buddy and indentifys with no answer.


My family was going thru a tough time and my 18 year old son was all about music. He was in a band and because our family fell apart when my wife did, this was his new answer. I was afraid of him going down that road so I told him this.

"I know that musicians and poets have suffered to in life and you can relate and identify with the challanges and questions life has thru them, please be careful that what you hear does not only have the spirit behind it of despair and drives you to rebellion out of fear. Many people can describe and relate to others thru pain and experiences of life in this world...that does not mean they know the answers. Its a attempt to indentify thats all, only you can change you life and that is through decisions. Have faith in the invisable God, what he says about you, you are loved more than you know or ever will know"

He is an emotional guy, it has been really hard on him seeing what happened with his Mom, but he learned from it and in time....yes time...it takes time...he is learning to adjust to it as he builds his life in the aftermath of losing my wife. Will all of the pain be dealt with quickly? No. Will I still need to be here when questions and doubt come up? Yes. Do I understand that people get over things depending how they are built internally and genetically differently? Yes. I am concerned but not wanting or believing that I can teach him how to deal with things he hasn't even had to deal with yet, and I also don't let them off the hook because they have to make there own decisions and be accountable for them. My wife was like that too once and we made our kids God conscience because we knew we could not protect them from everything and they needed to know someone who would protect them as they went though life. Even when they were in relationships with others that professed they loved them but fell short, God would not.


The point I am making is that OM did not love you at all. His actions speak it. You H is doing the most painful type of treatment, indifferance to you, sometimes an action associated with hate and it hurts. So that leaves you at a crossroads right? Does that make me a wise person or have a crystal ball? Heck no.. Niether can I repair your marriage or anyone else. Only you two, together, can do this, and you know what? It could be unique and special beyond what you could express to anyone while still following the rules all marriages need to thrive.


You will never have the marriage you could have with H with anyone else. God made you both unique and different than anyone else, but the disciplines apply to all who seek intimacy, and success in relationships and life.

Here is the for mentioning the POS OM and his attributes lacking in your H. Please don't think of him as wise and a caring mature person. He would have cheated on you too. I know its just a concept you believed at the time and one that you wish H could adopt but think about it, if you were with him could you see things in your current H that you wished OM had?

I promise you that if you keep working on yourself and personal boundaries you will get thru this in time. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, stay strong and let this conflict in your life bring about positive change for you. I pray your H and your marriage too.

After JL responds to if you need to write him a love letter maybe we should look at another plan B one.

I respect JLs direct no bullcrap take on all this more than my "understanding".

Hitch2007,
I would ask your husband what he means by he didn't know how to respond to your text. Also what he meant by he wishes you could get along in what context, ending the marriage or working on the marriage? Ask him what he doesn't understand.........
Tell him your feeling is still the same, starting over for the two of you, that you love him but are now at a point that you will accept his decision if he can't get back to the marriage, if this is where he is at, then I would go ahead and do the Plan B letter and save whatever feelings you have left for him........
This marriage needs to have some decisions to be made.....7 months is a long time
Ask him to move out if he can't decide to forgive and start over.......
You can still Plan A until all that happens.
He must feel what it is like to not have you in his life anymore........It's time Hitch.........stay strong.........

2x4 well deserved, god what am I thinking. My H truly loved me, this OM saw me coming and took me for all I had, for his own selfish thoughts. He played on my weakness and I let him.

I'm embarrassed.

Hitch,

Chiming in. You say that when you are withdrawn your H makes more efforts to get through to you. It may indicate that the time for Plan B is really arrived. Plan B requires careful planning and for you to realise that the Plan B is no contact plan with your H. Only can he contact you through an intermediary who knows your situation and is willing to be between you two. The best advice available is Harley's of course, and you could also contact Scotland (her thread is here) who knows a lot about Plan Bing. In your Plan B letter you might also want to consider that those words can also be your last words to your H, case he chooses the other path and not to recover your M.
I wish you stay calm and strong and keep your head cool, you need it in planning the Plan B.

You are right Constant, POSOM did take advantage of me, he said to me early on that it seems all is not well between you and your H, I picked up on it. He played on that vulnerability. This is before I knew of MB, and I probably projected it a million miles. He took advantage of the situation.

My response to H text;

"Why did you not respond to my text? Why did you treat me the way you did last Wednesday? I am not mad just disappointed".

I have had no response to that. He has gone out for the evening instead. He really is foggy. He says to me that I am inconsistent yet he takes me out for dinner Monday, then ignores me and disrespects me Wednesday. I think he expects me to do all the work because I had the affair, and allow him to disrespect me when he chooses to and to forgive him.

Oh and payback time has kicked in, he has ironed his shirt and gone off out for the evening, here we go again.

Can someone please explain whats going on? Am I not trying hard enough with him?

As soon as I have gone into withdrawal he has disappeared. I tried Plan A and telling him how much I loved him and doing lots of Carrot, then he goes and completely disrespects me out of the blue.

I am so confused can someone please try and decode his behaviour.

Is it because he doesn't care?
Is it because I am not making him feel safe enough telling him how much I love him?
Is it because he has lost all respect for me so treats me as he wants?
Is it because he wants to punish me?

Please help.

It is because he is in the fog, and he does not care about you or your feelings, you need to understand that WS are very selfish.

The only way to get through to him is to go to plan B. What happened to that?

It sounds like he's foggy with wayward tendencies. You can't reason or make sense of wayward behavior. You will drive yourself insane trying.

He's yo-yoing you. Reeling you in enough by being nice only to push you away.

It is a vicious cycle but you can stop it.

How long and how consistently have you done plan A? You say you've done it, which is true. The question is how consistently?

You may have to do it for a consistent 6 months to see any results. Even that may not win him back.

But you'll never know until you do it, and do it consistently.

It's been a matter of days since you vowed to end the yo-yo. It's going to take time.

And you've not even ended the yo-yo yet. The clock starts when you can consistently choose a position and remain there.

I don't think Hitch should do Plan A for 6 months. Standard practice for women is 3 weeks give or take. MEN are typically advised around 6 months.

Plan A for 6 months with her current mental state is a recipe for PSTD.

She could try to do a stellar Plan A - no holds barred, for maybe a week, 3 TOPS. Then proceed to Plan B. Pick your date for Plan B. It's your goal and you'll have it in sight and just go day by day til you get there. Scotland's thread is a great resource for making it through Plan A.

Reeling me in? For what benefit?

Thanks guys this gives me something to think about.

Darling Husband

I am so sorry our marriage has come to this.

Firstly, I want to apologise for the pain and hurt I caused you due to my affair, it was the most selfish act I have ever commited and will be my one regret in life. Sometimes I find it difficult to spend time with you, because I can see the hurt and pain in your eyes, to see you in pain puts me there too. You have often quite rightly asked me, Hitch why did you do it? I have spent many hours thinking about this, as quite rightly I needed to give you an answer. I did it because I let down my guard and allowed someone else to meet my emotional needs. My own actions my own choice, my own selfish bad decision. I took you and what we had for granted. I did not communicate to you how I was feeling and what I needed, to give us both the opportunity to improve things. I thought asking you for my needs defeats the object, you know, saying to you will you be spend time with me, will you hug me, will you give me a compliment? I just didnt get it, but I know you are no mind reader and sometimes I need to just ask. Simple, but not easy.

Why did I not confess? Because I was a coward, I dug a hole deeper and deeper to try and justify and escape my own actions. The hardest thing I have ever had to do is face myself, then face you. I have learnt a life long lesson, and am still learning. I have learnt many things such as;

Whatever the situation its never acceptable to cheat
That men are not mind readers - you sometimes have to tell them what you need
That you can have great expectations of people, but this can lead to huge disappointment or resentment
Resentment is like poison, if you store things up, so best to get it out
That it is important to be honest and open about everything, and you can lie by omission by not sharing how you feel
What my boundaries are (respect, honesty, weddings vows) and how much happier I will be living by them
That you are actions man rather than words man
That I need to learn to communicate positive and negative emotions
That I need to make my own decisions in life, based on my own morals and boundaries and if no one else likes them too bad
That if people overstep your boundaries then you need to let them know appropriately
If people continue to overstep your boundaries, then you need to remove them from your life
That if you love someone, you will explain how you feel to them about everything, so you learn and grow together
The principles which make a good marriage are meeting each others emotional needs and not doing anything which will upset the other person and growing and learning together
That I want intimacy in our marriage, where we share everything together, thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires, fears
That I do have your heart, and I care for it, I will protect you, care for you and respect you, and I can only prove and demonstate this to you through my actions as I need to earn your trust back

I have learned from my mistakes, and am constantly working to find better ways to resolve conflict.

What do I want for the future? I want you and only you, anything else is a bonus. I love spending time with you, like no one else. I want my gorgeous, handsome, fun, loving, sexy, kind husband right beside me for the rest of my life. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I wanted all the dreams we shared and talked about. I want to build an amazing marriage, where we are so deeply in love that there is never any reason to separate. I want to work alongside you building the busines together, I would like to adopt a child, I would like to grow a vegatable patch (!), I would like to have a chalet in the mountains, I would like to have your child, I would like to buy a plot of land and build our dream house and maybe even move somewhere new, meet new friends, new couples...who knows..., I would like to have a holiday home in the sun, where we escape to in the summer, I would like to travel go new places have new experiences together.... Basically (!!) I want to be right alongside you doing things together.

But we cannot do that until you are commited to rebuilding the marriage. Until you are ready to do that Husband, I would ask you to leave our home. I cannot continue to live with you whilst you treat me disrespectfully, have made no commitment to rebuild the marriage and have contact with other women. It will just poisen the love I have for you and cause me further unhappiness and stress. The way back home is simple: end all contact and, commit to rebuilding our marriage.

I know I had an affair and you are hurting and in pain, but please please tell me how I can help you? I am not a mind reader. I want to support you and help you.

We either decide to remain married and HONOR our vows or we decide to leave one another. Punishment is not part of the equation, retribution is not part of the equation, only honest effort is part of the equation.

I love you more than anything, and more than anyone I have ever loved I hope for and look forward to a time when we can begin a new marriage with each other, and my secret desire and hope, is to look back in 10 years at this as a period of growth to an amazing marriage.

I love you always

Hitch X