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#2430995 09/29/10 02:10 PM
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Ash78 Offline OP
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Hi
I am looking for some assistance to rescue my marriage.

Over the last three years we have had 10 of lifes major stress factors weighing down on us as a couple. Business failure, financial failure, lost drivers licence, sick relative staying, sick relative dying to mention but a few.

Earlier this year my wife met another man and cried on his shoulder, he is now out of the picture but only 9 weeks aftger we separated.

We are now separated 10 weeks and we have taken a step backwards after the OM dropped my wife, she has almost stopped talking to me. I have formulated a plan to start discussions but I know she is not in a good place in her head she is "emotionally drained" as I am but my focus is on restoring the marriage she ran away.

Any help greatly appreciated.

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Ash I recommend you click the notify button on your post and get it moved to the Surviving an Affair board. They can help you there.

I would then suggest you purchase the book Surviving an Affair.

Finally we're going to need some information from you to help tailor your advice:

How old are you and your wife?
How long married?
Is this your first marriage? hers?
How did the relationship begin?
Do you have children? Ages?
How long was the affair? Was it sexual?
Was the affair exposed? To whom?


There is help here for you Ash, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.


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Ash78 Offline OP
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Vibrissa
To answer your questions

I am 46 my wife is 51
We have been married 15 years
My first her second marriage
The relationship started after the OM chatted my wife up either in coffeshop or in the bank.
We have two boys one 7 and one 8
The affair started in January and ended last week my wife assures me that it was not sexual despite the fact that they have spent at least two nights together to my knowledge.
A freind told me about the OM on the night of our separation. I then found his mobile phone number. His wife found out last week and ended the affair.

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Ok Ash - this affair was sexual. No way it lasted almost 10 months and they spent two nights together and it WASN'T sexual.

You have separated. Does this mean your wife has moved out? Or did you move out? Where are the boys currently?

If you moved out - pack up your stuff and move back home.

Your FIRST step is to join OMW in her fight and do your part in ensuring this affair stays broken up. You must expose this to your families and friends. Ask them to use their influence on your wife to persuade her to work on the marriage. You need their help!

Also, let your boys know the TRUTH. You and your wife didn't split up because you couldn't get along. You split up because of the affair.

Realize - she didn't have the affair because you were neglectful, a bad husband, or life got bad. She had an affair because she is selfish and felt entitled to better her life at the expense of those she purports to love.

Now - I'm gonna go find some required reading for you. Read through all of it. Get ready because you're going to go into what is called Plan A. This is a tactic used to ensure the end of the affair and convince your wife to come back to the marriage by demonstrating that you can be a loving husband who meets her needs.

Ok I'll brb.


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Thread for Newly Betrayed

Read everything here! Read through the links.

Pay particular attention to this:

Plan A Carrot/Stick

THIS is gonna be your game plan - this is your play book. This is what you're going to be doing for the next few months.

Now, if your children don't know yet, you're probably going to balk at telling them. They MUST know. Your best thinking is going to tell you that telling them will drive your wife away. It wont.

Here is some reading on the topic:
Dr. Harley on telling the children:

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The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here

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Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.


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The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

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2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

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My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.


Now, hope I haven't overwhelmed you. Get to reading.

How else can we help?


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I moved out initially for one night but events caused my wife to move out into a flat that she inherited. That is where she lives now. The boys are with their mother and I know there is little chance of her seeing the OM becuase she has little time because of the boys I only have them two afternoons a week.

I initially contacted the OMW anonymously and have caused problems that will not allow me to go back there because I did not know how stable she is/was.

To date we have kept the boys out of this they are too young and if I go down that route I know for a fact my wife will close the door on any reconsiliation.

I am a loving caring affectionate husband. My bfreinds and family know about the OM as do all the neighbours I told everyone I could at the outset. Some of her freinds were instrumental in the events prior to and subsequently to the split. One had the kids on a sleep over to allow my wife a night off with the OM.

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What was the cause of your wayward wife's 1st marriage to fail?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Ok the boys need to be with you in the family home, not slumming it in your wife's apartment. Is it possible you could file for a legal separation and try to get the kids back home.

She wont close the door on reconciliation if you tell the boys. It will wake her up. She will respect you in the end for standing up for your family.

The lives of your children have been thrown into turmoil. They need to know WHY.

It isn't because you weren't getting along. It isn't because daddy is mean and hurts mommy. It is because Mommy had an affair. They are not too young. They are 7 and 8. They are old enough to learn right from wrong.

I was about 6-7 when I learned of my mother's infidelity. All it taught me was that adultery is WRONG. I've known it since I found out. You participate in your wife's lies - covering up her immoral behavior and when your children DO find out (they will) the lesson they learn is "It's ok to lie sometimes, adultery isn't that bad."

THIS is not a lesson you want to teach.

Get your boys back home.

If your wife wants to go play the single life she is welcome to do so alone. DO NOT finance her single life in any way.

Time to stand up for yourself. Women respect strength, they don't respect men that let them call all the shots.


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She claims that she married young 23 and didn't love the guy there was no affair that I am aware of and the marriage ended after 3 years.

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Ash78 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
Ok the boys need to be with you in the family home, not slumming it in your wife's apartment. Is it possible you could file for a legal separation and try to get the kids back home.

She wont close the door on reconciliation if you tell the boys. It will wake her up. She will respect you in the end for standing up for your family.

The lives of your children have been thrown into turmoil. They need to know WHY.

It isn't because you weren't getting along. It isn't because daddy is mean and hurts mommy. It is because Mommy had an affair. They are not too young. They are 7 and 8. They are old enough to learn right from wrong.

I was about 6-7 when I learned of my mother's infidelity. All it taught me was that adultery is WRONG. I've known it since I found out. You participate in your wife's lies - covering up her immoral behavior and when your children DO find out (they will) the lesson they learn is "It's ok to lie sometimes, adultery isn't that bad."

THIS is not a lesson you want to teach.

Get your boys back home.

If your wife wants to go play the single life she is welcome to do so alone. DO NOT finance her single life in any way.

Time to stand up for yourself. Women respect strength, they don't respect men that let them call all the shots.

Hi I live is Scotland in the UK there is no way under Scottish Law that I would win any custody battle I have been told that by my solicitor. I do not finance her because for the state of the finaces. She has more money that I do and is living in an appartment rent free and mortgage free with a large share protfolio to live off.

We are legally separated.

I have been strong and I am standing up for myself

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Originally Posted by Ash78
Hi I live is Scotland in the UK there is no way under Scottish Law that I would win any custody battle I have been told that by my solicitor.
But even if you don't win, you ought to go to court and make her answer to a judge for her poor behaviour. It would be a humiliating experience for her to have to admit publicly her adultery, and for her to attempt to justify taking your children out of their home for her affair.

Originally Posted by Ash78
I have been strong and I am standing up for myself
But you haven't yet been strong and stood up for your children. I know Scottish law is different from English (I'm in England) but if you're broke, you could get legal aid.

Don't fail to fight because of the legal system. Fight because it is the right thing to do.

For heaven's sake, did Willie Wallace die in vain?


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I am broke but I cannot get legal aid and was told it could cost �50k and I would loose. There is no point enploying a solicitor and not following advice,

Yes she would be humiliated but what does that acheive the neighbours and freinds already know and she is talking about a fresh start.

Willie Wallace? I am as Scottish as you Sugar Cane I just live in Scotland I am actually English.

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Ash78 Offline OP
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Can anyone give me some helpful advice??

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We already gave you advice to save your marriage:

Expose the affair, including to your sons.
Get your children back in their home.
Tell your wife you're willing to rebuild your marriage if she goes NC and invite her to come home.
Use MB to make yourself a better husband.

That is the MB path to a recovered marriage. There's not a lot of deviation it affords.


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Ash,
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I have formulated a plan to start discussions but I know she is not in a good place in her head she is "emotionally drained" as I am but my focus is on restoring the marriage she ran away.


I'm not clear - is she not talking to you at all? Has she shown any interest in keeping a relationship with you? My impression based on what you've written is that your WW has no interest in a relationship with you at this time. Her A has added to the emotional drain she already experienced prior to A. She thought the A would make her feel better but the truth is it didn't work. She needs to figure this out. In the meantime you need to be the best person you can be for yourself and for your kids. You need to be stronger emotionally than she is. Yor kids need this from you too.

Gg


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D-Day #2 1/27/12
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We are talking but since the OM has decided he doesn't want a relationship with her any more the communication between us has deminished. Before this event we were taling for about 6 hour a week. Now we are down to less than an hour. OK it has only been a week but it does worry me.
Emotionally I am very strong and will not let her see my anxt. We were talking about reconsiliation but she is afraid of whether we can sort out the problems or not.
Like her I am exhausted with the last three years however she has run away and left me to deal with everything I am coping with the situation but as you will appreciate it is not easy.


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